Chapter Sixteen
"Lucifer is going to kill us."
"What'd you mean us? I'm also a victim here. I just showed up for heart surgery. You're the dumbfucks who got his kid kidnapped and nearly killed his son-in-law like three times. Besides, since when did you give a shit about how Lucifer feels? I distinctly remember you tossing him out on his ass just because he liked chocolate milkshakes as opposed to vanilla."
"First of all, that was not what the argument was about at all. Second of all, I do care. Alaric is my nephew. Stanton is... Look, you were also present. You also did not sense the creature hiding among us. No one did."
"You're seriously trying to blame me for that?"
"I thought you were supposed to be all powerful. Perhaps the only thing eating the hearts of your parents did for you was make you nosier than usual."
"I'm going to shove my Demonia Defiants so far up your ass, you'll be barfing up leather--"
"Try me, Greek. In fact, I'm begging you. Nothing would satisfy me more than breaking your head over my knee."
I woke up with my head pounding. Not because I'd had my chest ripped open or I was still recovering from open heart surgery, but the fact that I woke up to Michael and Hades about ready to have a brawl on top of me.
"Shut... the fuck up." My voice sounded hoarse and raw, but it managed to shut up everyone in the room. I fought to open my lids that felt as heavy as garage doors, finding myself staring up at the blurry ceiling over my head. I could vaguely make out people moving around me, probably Michael and Hades abandoning their cock fight, followed by what I could only guess to be Rowan, Simon, and Xiphrus.
I swallowed thickly at the raw pain in my throat, blinking a few more times as my vision cleared and I found myself staring up into Xiphrus's face. His hand was on my head, brushing the hair back from my face, his features pinched with pain and concern, those blue eyes practically glowing. At his side, Hades was whipping out a stethoscope and trying to elbow Xiphrus in the ribs. Xiphrus gave him a look and Hades gave an over exaggerated sigh, stepping back and folding his arms over his chest.
"Stanton, can you hear me?" Xiphrus asked, turning back to me. I nodded, grimacing at the kink in my neck before swallowing and trying to speak again.
"'Yup. Hearing's great. Body hurts."
"Well, yeah," Hades said dryly, "You had another hole in your chest. Why do people need to keep poking holes in my patients?" Everyone gave him a weird look, probably wondering what the hell he was talking about. I rolled my eyes and tried to sit up, but pain pulsed hot through my chest and down through my arms. I groaned and slumped back down. This time when Hades elbowed Xiphrus out of the way, Xiphrus obeyed, stepping back beside Simon as Hades leaned over to check my vitals and Rowan joined him in taking notes.
Every so often, Rowan would look at me, those dark eyes glimmering before he looked back at the notebook he was writing in. I looked at him confused before blinking heavily and looking around for a moment before I remembered what was going on.
"Alaric," I said suddenly, shooting up right before gasping hard, clutching at my chest. Hades cursed and wrestled me back down on the bed, even when I pushed on his face. He snatched my hand and pinned it down on the bed, looking at Rowan.
"Do me a favor," he said, nudging his head toward his bag, "Grab the big pointy needle labeled sleepytime." Rowan nodded and went off to obey. I cursed, grabbing onto Hades's wrist to try and get him off me.
"You asshole! Get off me! Alaric needs me! That psychopath has him!"
"Yeah, we know," Hades said dryly, "Which is why we, we as in the people who haven't been cut into twice in the past twenty-four hours, are going to go get him back. Meanwhile, those of us sporting two major heart surgeries can go the fuck to sleep for the first time in a billion years." I growled at him, then watched as Rowan handed Hades the bag.
"Don't," I said, feeling a shock of panic rush through my veins as the needle was taken out and dipped into a small clear vial, "Hades, please, I can't lay here while Alaric is out there! You need me to find him!" Hades shook his head as he tapped the needle, then took a tourniquet and wrapped it around one of my arms. I went to sucker punch him, but Rowan caught my fist and I stared at him in disbelief.
"Stanton," Rowan said in an unbelievably calm tone of voice, "It's alright. Alaric is going to be alright. Trust me." I didn't want to. But Rowan hadn't actually lied to me since I met him. Sure, he hid the fact that was he was my brother, but that wasn't exactly a lie so much as an omission of truth. Why? Not entirely sure yet. But somehow, I trusted him, and even though there was still fear pumping through my veins about Alaric's whereabouts, I was very mildly calmed by the fact that, logically, he was correct.
The prophecy said to kill me. Not Alaric. Killing Alaric wouldn't get this bad guy anywhere. It'd just piss me off and make it all that much harder to kill me. No, he'd hang onto Alaric, if for nothing more than to lure me into his trap and kill me. So Alaric was still alive.
But in what condition?
As the thought crossed my mind, it was too late to doubleback into panic because I felt a sharp pinch in my arm and saw Hades had stuck the needle in my arm, releasing the tourniquet. The unbelievable calm flooded right through me and I relaxed on the bed, finding it impossible to tense my muscles. Hades studied me as the effects took place. I swallowed a few times as Hades seemed to determine I was going to be fine and stood up, putting his things away.
"I'm going to contact Joxeia," he decided, "He needs to get here now. Once he's here, we can formulate a plan."
"What about Lucifer?" Michael asked. Hades stared at him.
"You wanna go tell him we lost his kid?"
"Not particularly."
"Ah, see, I knew you weren't just a pretty face," Hades answered, then left the room. Michael glared after him before looking at Xiphrus, who had returned to the bedside to start brushing the hair back from my face again. He was hesitant about the touch at first, but when he realized I wasn't going to retaliate, he did it with reverence, like he was making up for lost time.
For a split second, I was back in time. Way, way back in time.
My dumbass had fallen out of a tree and when I lay on the ground, staring up at the sky and wondering what the hell had happened, Xiphrus was right there beside me, stroking my head, looking down at me with teary blue eyes. He'd been terrified I'd injured myself, but all I ended up with was a mild bump on the head and a skinned knee. Which only made him cry more. He'd healed me up immediately and set to work babying me. Joxeia had found us and chided Xiphrus for always treating me like a child, when I was, in a way, a deity. Joxeia was the tough guy. If he was around, and I did something stupid, he wanted me to learn the hard way, because that way, I didn't make the same mistake twice. Xiphrus, on the other hand, cried with me and for me, cradling me and telling me how much he loved me and then he'd give me my favorite foods. And then Geara would turn around and laugh at both of her brothers and distract me with some other adventure.
Fuck. I hadn't thought about those days in a long time. I didn't like to think about it. Because it was something we could never go back to, and something that was destroyed so brutally.
"I'm going to go downstairs," Michael said quietly after a while, and Xiphrus looked, but Michael shook his head when he opened his mouth, "No, it's alright. You've waited a long time. And you see me every day. Take your time... Still upset about my table, though." Xiphrus offered him an apologetic smile.
"I'll buy you a new one," he responded. Michael shrugged, then came over and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before he walked out. Simon turned his head to watch Michael leave, then he yawned and stretched his arms up over his head before looking at us.
"Well. Looks like you guys have a family reunion to get to. I'm gonna head downstairs. I found Michael's Oreo stash and I'm getting the munchies again," he said. Xiphrus gave him a droll stare and Rowan pushed away from the wall he was leaning on.
"I'll go with him, actually," he said, but Simon put a hand up to him before he could walk past him out the door.
"Family reunion," Simon said slowly, as if Rowan was an idiot, and Rowan narrowed his eyes, "And with a look like that, you look almost exactly like your brother. Stick around, man. You got some catching up to do too. I'll save you some Oreos. Maybe. Probably. Hopefully." He turned and walked out, shutting the door behind him. Rowan watched him leave, clearly peeved before he returned to his reclined state against the wall, opting for silence and a stoic stare.
Xiphrus looked at us, back and forth, like he was trying to memorize our faces, or maybe trying to cope with the fact that he was actually looking at his last remaining children. Rowan dropped his eyes like he was uncomfortable, but I was pretty much drugged out of my mind. Everything felt so warm and fluffy and my muscles were so weak I couldn't even make a fist now. I just laid there as Xiphrus finally settled down on the bed beside me, his hand on my leg... the one I'd skinned on the tree that one time I fell out of it.
"Do you remember the time I fell out of that tree?" I murmured. Xiphrus blinked, then looked at me. He nodded slowly. Rowan stared at me. I knew he remembered. He'd been there. So had our other siblings, Famine and Plague.
"I rather fall out of another tree than get another heart surgery," I muttered. Xiphrus's lips tightened in a strained smile, like he completely agreed. I swallowed after a moment, blinking a little when I felt a sudden surge of emotion cut through me.
"Get Alaric back," I managed, making Xiphrus frown, "Please." Xiphrus looked at Rowan, who looked at me. They were silent for a while before Xiphrus turned back to me.
"He'll be home very soon, Stanton. Don't fear." I closed my eyes at that, unsure if I felt comforted by that, or nervous still. I felt the weight on the bed leave and listened as Xiphrus stood for a while, and I knew he was focusing on Rowan now.
"Nhyt--"
"Rowan. I go by Rowan now."
"Very well, Rowan... Thank you, for taking care of your... of your brother."
"I would've taken care of him either way."
"I see... Perhaps where I have failed." There was a pause, like Xiphrus was making the assumption that because I hated Xiphrus, Rowan probably did too. And in the tense silence, I was tempted to open my eyes, but it sounded like they thought I was asleep. So I listened harder, imagining Rowan's totally blank expression and Xiphrus's sad kicked puppy look.
"Yes," came Rowan's tight response. That's it. But judging from his tone, he wasn't too happy to discuss this.
"Rowan--"
"I don't need your apologies. What happened in that realm will stay there and not follow me into the new life I've built for myself."
"By turning yourself into one of those shadow things?" There was a long pause, like Rowan was wondering how the hell Xiphrus had deduced that when no one actually came out and called Rowan a shadow to begin with.
"Simon told me," Xiphrus answered after the awkward pause, "Unintentionally, I assure you."
"What I have done is already done and cannot be changed."
"It can be cured."
"I know."
"Do you not care to do so?"
"Not particularly. I've become what I have become because of the choices I've made. I ask for no sympathy or forgiveness or redemption. I'm here because I need to be. I never intended for anyone to nose this far into my business." There was another silence. I strained to hear through the silence ringing in the room, aching to know what their faces looked like to see what was going on between them.
"Why did you never seek him out?" Xiphrus asked after the longest time.
"Because it would do him no good. Stanton inherited the good parts of you. I inherited the not so good. He doesn't need another toxic person in his life. He deserves to be happy," Rowan answered. Neither of them spoke, and shortly after I heard Xiphrus's heavy footfalls leave the room. I heard the door open and close quietly. I flickered my eyes open and Rowan was looking at me flatly. I smirked at him.
"Bonding?" I asked. Rowan rolled his eyes, then came over and sat on the bed.
"By the way, you'll be happy to know that you're cured."
"Cured?"
"As in, your darkness is no longer infecting you," Rowan said, making me blink owlishly at him as I tried to absorb what he was saying, "Your blood was red. And your eyes changed colors."
"Wait, what?" I asked, confused. What did he mean? My eyes had always been black. Rowan got up and went to the bathroom, then came back with a small mirror, holding it up for me after I tried to grab it and my grip slipped. I stared at the mirror, confused, because it just looked like the same old me... except...
Shit. My eyes weren't black.
They were brown. Dark brown.
I reached up to touch at the underside of my eye, baffled by the fact that this entire time, I'd thought my eyes were black. Rowan set the mirror aside and looked at me as I stared at him.
"I don't understand," I admitted. Rowan nodded.
"Makes sense. Most of us don't know when or how long we've been infected. For some of us, it's been only a couple months. For others, years."
"Wait... Wait, are you telling me I've been infected this whole time? But my blood--"
"That part comes when you're slipping into the depths of it. You've had darkness, but it's been pretty surface oriented, and you had something keeping you tethered to the light. That tether is Alaric. Your eyes may have been black, but your soul was still hopeful. When you felt like you were losing Alaric, you were losing the last hold you had on the light. But you patched things up with him. You began to cure slowly over time. Now you're mostly cured since you actually let Xiphrus touch you and talk to you without screaming at him," Rowan explained. I didn't know what to say to that. I thought it had been the drugs making it easier for me to accept Xiphrus, but... maybe a small part of me was just too tired to be angry with him.
"So, then... wait, if that's the case--"
"Yes. Xiphrus's beast attacked the darkness in you," Rowan filled in, making me sink further down on the bed as that fucking mac truck of information bulldozed into me, "All this time, it wasn't trying to kill you. It was trying to take it out for you, but the beast doesn't have our level of logic. It has the logic of a toddler, or maybe more like a dog. It saw something hurting you, so it wanted to get rid of it, even if it meant tearing you apart."
My chest hurt. I didn't know how to cope with that information. I almost didn't want to believe it. And yet, the more I ran it through my head, the more it began to clear up for me.
"Xiphrus had no idea?" I asked after a moment. Rowan shook his head.
"The beast does not communicate with its host via words. Only feelings. Beasts don't speak. They feel. Emotional basketcases, really," he admitted with a shrug. He rose to his feet, and I caught his pant leg, making him frown and look at me. I stared back at him.
"How do you know all this? And please don't feed me bullshit, Ro. I need a straight up answer."
Rowan stared at me. Those eyes of his burned black like lumps of goal, but for a split second, I swore I saw a flare of green in those eyes, as bright and as vibrant as the Aurora Borealis, but as soon as it was there, it was gone.
"Experience," he answered quietly, making me look at him in confusion, "Just... experience. Listen, I'm going to go downstairs. I'll send Xiphrus back up here with some food and water. In the meantime, we'll make plans to get Alaric back." I nodded, releasing him and watching him leave. I sighed, tilting my head and staring up at the ceiling as I tried to curl my fists, but to no avail.
Shit, whatever Hades shot me up with was some heavy shit. My body felt loose and heavy, and everything was so much softer. Christ, how many times had I been shot up with drugs now? I felt like sooner or later, something else vital inside me was going to give way. Probably my fucking liver. So much for immortality... then again, even the strongest of us fell to something and I just happened to fuck everything up inside me. Including my history and my knowledge on beasts.
Xiphrus wasn't attacking me.
His beast was attacking the darkness in me.
The same way a dog would attack someone for hurting me. If I got in the way, whatever, as long as I wasn't dead. Hurt was better than dead. And clearly the beast was thinking the same thing.
All this time I was living in darkness. I didn't even know it. I looked in the mirror every day and I never noticed it. I didn't feel it creeping up on me. I thought the panic attacks were just normal, the nightmares, the anxiety, the heart issues. I thought that was all normal. That's just what people like me go through. We have some residual effects. Some PTSD shit. And that was just how it went.
But all this time that was the darkness. That was the cold icy hatred inside me. That was the incredible fear building up. That was the depression sinking its fangs into my neck. I'd thought it was just some big magical infection, like fucking AIDS or some shit. But then, I suppose that was what made it so goddamn deadly.
It was a silent killer. It crept into your bones and got comfortable, filling you with icy cold dread, with unbelievable levels of hatred, fear, anxiety, depression. All of it was bundled up and settling down inside me, taking me over, ruining my goddamn life. Because of the darkness, I didn't contemplate the idea of having a family with Alaric. Because of the darkness, I didn't think there was anyone, but Alaric, out there for me. I was alone in this cold dark place and only Alaric was there for me, and even his grip on me was slipping.
But then, after that short time away from him, when it felt like my world was slowly falling apart on top of me, I came back to him. And things started to clear up. I started to see the world for what it really was. I missing out on everything.
I wanted a fucking dog, damn it. I wanted a big slobbery mess of a dog that took up too much space on the bed and dropped gross wet toys at my feet.
Maybe I did want a kid. Maybe I did want to see a mini-me or a mini-Alaric running around the house. Gods knew that having a kid didn't always turn out to be shitty. I mean, look at Menoetius and Arikos. Those two had been fucked the moment they were brought into this world, lived lives that would've driven me to off myself when I was friggin' two, and yet here they were, with a child of their own. Amenti didn't hate them. She didn't get angry when Menoetius had one of his episodes. She crawled into bed with him and held him, even when he couldn't find the strength to be strong. She didn't get hate Arikos because he was clumsy. She giggled and helped him clean up.
And you know what? I might settle for a picket fence. Maybe not white, hell no, but a fence that would keep Jackie and her pretty committee out of my yard. Not barbed wire. Maybe a polite oak of please get off my lawn.
And granted, those were all major steps and I wasn't gonna go out and buy a dog and figure out how to have a kid between two dudes, both of whom did not have the ability to get pregnant, or stick a straw hat on my head and called myself Tom fucking Sawyer. But I wasn't terrified by the idea of them anymore. I wasn't scared. I was willing to consider them.
But I wanted to talk to Alaric about them.
Jesus Christ.
I felt like I'd had a goddamn revelation. Who knew drugs, two heart surgeries, and a family reunion could do so much for the soul?
The door to my room opened up and I looked up as Xiphrus came in with a small tray of soup and a tall glass of water. He came over and set them on the nightstand.
"You're awake," he noted. I nodded. He studied me for a moment, then suddenly averted his eyes. He looked like he was about to leave, so I caught his hand and he froze. Like, every muscle in his body went rigid and then his eyes dropped to my hand on his. I let go, suddenly feeling a little awkward. I was feeling good, but I being a touchy-feely fluff ball was so not who I was.
Xiphrus met my eyes now and I looked back at him.
"I... need to talk to it," I hesitated, "Or, him. Whatever his name is." Xiphrus frowned for a moment before his eyes widened in alarm. He shook his head, putting a hand up like he was trying to put up a wall between us.
"He has no name. Anyway, I don't think that's a good idea, Stanton--"
"Please. I just want to say something to... him. You owe me at least that," I tacked on, feeling a bit like an ass to guilt trip him like that. Xiphrus still didn't look entirely convinced, though, and that made sense. He had no idea why his beast was attacking me all these years. For all he knew, his beast would attack me again, but if Rowan was right, if the beast had just been attacking the darkness in me, then there was no way it would attack me now.
Just when I was sure Xiphrus was just gonna up and leave, his pale blue eyes began to fade until they became a vibrant shade of red. He growled low in his throat and put a hand on the bed, his fingernails curling into claws that ripped the fabric of the sheets as he leaned forward and put his nose to my hair. He sniffed for a second, then growled again.
No wait... Wait, what the fuck? Was he... purring?
Yup. He was purring.
He got on the bed in a kneel, making me grimace as he bumped my chest. He wrapped his arms around my head, tugging me close to him before he slipped a hand down and rested it over my chest. I frowned curiously, then gasped as searing hot pain exploded in the middle of my chest. I blinked rapidly as the tears burned my eyes and I looked down to see the scar on my chest vanishing from sight... and along with that, the incredible discomfort, the pain, all of it was gone.
It felt like everything was brand new. It was like driving a car with a brand new engine.
I looked up at Xiphrus-- er, the beast-- and watched those red eyes looking down at me.
They were so intense. And so red, like a couple of cherries, and the pain swirling within them so real. It was almost like he was apologizing, even though he couldn't speak, even though apologizing wasn't even in his nature. The beast's nature, that is.
"It's alright," I said after a moment, making those red eyes blink, "I mean. I'm still pissed about the whole Atlan thing. But... You know. Baby steps." The beast cocked its head, then leaned down and brushed his nose against my hair, like he was nuzzling me. Then he slipped back off the bed, and stunned me when he gave me a little wave almost, his fingers wiggling awkwardly.
And then abruptly his arm dropped and his eyes went from red to blue in the blink of an eye. Xiphrus blinked a couple times, then looked at me, his brow furrowing in confusion and concern.
"He didn't hurt you," he said after moment, like he was trying to convince himself.
"Nah. Just some weird ass sniffing. Which, by the way, if you ever do yourself, like, when you're full on conscious, I'm going to hit you in the face."
"Oh," Xiphrus still looked confused. I sat up, this time without pain. Xiphrus made a move like he was going to grab me and settle me, then went still when I leaned over without flinching to grab the tray and set it on my lap. I took the bowl of soup and drank the whole damn thing right there in front of him, watching one eyebrow going, then the other, like he couldn't believe what was happening and he was trying to cope with it.
"Man, that was good," I muttered when I was finished, setting the bowl on the tray, and I drank the whole glass of water before looking at him, "You got any sandwiches around here? Or better yet... Any bacon leftover?" Xiphrus just nodded silently. He took the tray from me and I swung my legs over the side of the bed, getting up slowly. Xiphrus just watched me.
"Oh yeah," I said, making him blink and meet my eyes, "And I think we should call him Fido."
"Fido? Wait, who?"
"Your beast. Calling him beast is getting to be a pain in the ass. I already call Hannibal's Beast. So we'll just go with Fido for you," I said, then tested a couple steps and found I had no problem making my way over to the bathroom for a much needed piss. I went in and out lickety split and when I came out, Xiphrus was still standing there, watching me as I picked up a pair of pants on the dresser and tugged them on.
"Where are you going?" Xiphrus asked. I frowned, tugging a shirt on over my head and picking up my jacket from the chair nearby. I gave my jacket a shake and slid it on one arm and a time before giving the lapels a little tug. I looked up, meeting him square in the eye.
"To get my husband back."