I watch as everyone rises from their seats, their backs facing me as we all watch the two large joined doors open slowly.
A tear managed to escape from my eye and was soon followed by dozens as my hopeful future flash before me like a vivid dream. Coming home every day and every night to the most beautiful woman in the planet, standing by the door and a child whom I believed would potentially become the best part of me--aside from my loving wife.
And that's when my heart stopped.
Gasps were being heard as the opened doors revealed nothing but Perrie's father. His eyes--though far away from mine, was sending out an apologetic gaze to me. It was the kind of gaze that all people recieve when something or someone decides to leave them. The old man was shaking his head apologetically at me, as he mouthed the words: "she's gone".
"Okay, I am so done with your . . . 'I'm okay' act, Jade." Jesy slammed her palm down on the countertop, the resonance bringing me back into reality as I blinked repeatedly. Jesy shook her head. "You are going to talk to her, Jade."
"No, I am not talking to her," I said. "I am fine, Jesy. In fact, I feel great. I don't have to worry about anything anymore. I . . . I fucking feel fantastic!"
"No, you are not, Jade." Jesy raised a finger in front of my face just when I was about to speak up. "You're not okay, Jade. Trust me. You're never okay but you're acting like you are. And do you wanna know why? Because you don't want to accept the fact that you're not okay with what happened. Because you don't want to accept the fact that Perrie left you in the altar and look at you now. You're pretending that everything is okay when it clearly isn't, pretending that whatever happened yesterday never even happened at all but Jade I can see it in your eyes that you're devastated."
I continued to stare at her, utterly dumbfounded for I idiotically figured that I was proficient in bottling up my emotions and keeping up the pretentiously calm facade, that I was brilliant in hiding what I am truly feeling from anybody, including Jesy. It wasn't until now I had realized that Jesy isn't fatuous and would always see or at least conjecture what is wrong with me. And for a brief moment did I scold myself for being too predictable.
I heaved a deep sigh, my back leaning against the chair, giving my fingers a brief scan before I fixated my gaze on this shiny silver ring. Dreadful memories of that day had once again polluted my mind and I closed my eyes for a few moments, pondering whether or not those memories were for real and had veritably happened to me. I heaved a deep sigh before reopening my eyes once more, my gaze meeting Jesy's.
I sighed, "She left me."
"I know," she said.
"She . . . doesn't love me anymore," I whispered.
I peered down at my clasped hands, waiting for Jesy to respond to that one, only to recieve an unexpected "uh oh" from the brunette. I looked back up at her, furrowing my eyebrows as Jesy's gaze seemed to be fixated in one place.
"What?" I asked.
"Now I know why exes aren't allowed in your wedding," Jesy says, her voice dropped down to a whisper as if we're unknown wanted criminals who are desperately hiding in disguise.
"What are you talking about?"
"Just . . . don't look behind you if you don't want to die," Jesy says.
I arched an eyebrow. "I'm not gonna die, Jes," I said as I slowly turned my head.
"I'm begging you right now to not look, Jade."
But I swivelled in my seat to look anyway, and there Perrie was, now standing beside Luke as they peck each other's lips just in front of the restaurant's glass doubled doors. My jaw clenched when my eyes landed on their entwined hands, seeing how tight they clutch each other. Jesy was right. I shouldn't turn around, I shouldn't let my curiousity flame up inside me, I should've just followed a simple order. Because seeing Perrie's lips locking themselves with another pair of lips that aren't mine is basically an equivalence to dying.
"She's with Luke," I said, subconsciously gritting my teeth as I felt my stomach twist in disgust and betrayal. "She's with her fucking ex."
"I told you not to look, Jade," Jesy says, her hand finding my own as I felt her thumb softly rubbing the back of it. She nodded. "Do you want me to beat her up?"
I opened my mouth to speak up, then closed it for I was unsure of what to answer. A part of me wanted Jesy to back off and let me do the beating up, but then there's this part of me that wanted me to back off.
"No," I said. "Nobody is beating anybody here, alright?"
"Seriously?" Jesy scoffs, shaking her head in disapproval and vaguely pointing toward Perrie's direction. "She's with Luke, Jade. Luke. The Luke who stole your supposed-to-be wife, the Luke who took virtually everything and left you with nothing. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with that lovey-dovey brain of yours but I swear to Almighty that if I ever catch a glimpse of my ex-girlfriend lip-locking with her ex-boyfriend, I will not stop myself from striding towards her and beat her up--physically or emotionally."
"She's with Luke," I said. And then as if I've been slapped by the universe for not grasping the thought, I spoke again, louder this time. "She's with Luke. She left me at the altar . . . for Luke!"
Jesy smiled at me and nodded. "She's with Luke. Now tell me, what are you going to do about it?"
I swivelled to look at the pair once again, only to realize that they already left in an instant. At first I thought that whatever I saw out there was just some delusion or hallucination. But it wasn't. And then I realized that if I don't take this opportunity to tell Perrie how heartbroken she had made me feel, then there is no way I would have faced my fear anymore, which is to confront the love of my life.
"Jesy," I said, and Jesy looked at me expectantly. I stared back at her dead in the eye. "I'm gonna tell her that she's making a huge mistake."
"Finally!"
~•~•~
"Why did you invite Luke?" Perrie, who was conspicuously perturbed, paced back and forth across our small-halled living room until finally she stood still and spun around to meet my gaze. For a brief moment, I wished Perrie would resume walking around again because looking at her straight in the eye felt intimidating. "I thought that our wedding will be just us, that there won't be any history involved on our wedding day because this is going to be a new beginning for us! That our relationship history no longer exists because this is about our relationship. That we'll make our own goddamn history!"
"Perrie, I don't think inviting him wouldn't do anything wrong," I tried to convince her, and Perrie went back to pacing back and forth across the living room. "Perrie, he's still your friend. I mean, I don't get why it's such a big deal. You told me that you guys are in good terms now."
"That doesn't change the fact that he is still my ex-boyfriend, Jade. I haven't seen him in a long time and I don't plan on seeing him again," Perrie glared at me, still walking around. "We promised each other that there will be no exes because they will ruin our wedding! Sure, we're friends. But you can never know what his true motives are, Jade! I bet you just invited Luke so that you would find an excuse to invite that Maddie bitch, huh?"
"I'm marrying you, Perrie. I'm a hundred percent sure that that meant that I am devoted to you. I don't love Maddie that way and it's not like you're still in love with Luke, right?"
Perrie blinked slowly, seeming unsure of what to say. "O-of course, Jade. I'm in love with you and only you!"
Jesy convinced me to face the problem and right now, I am running towards Perrie's house, and at the same time trying to put all my overwhelming emotions in place until I talk to her.
You are making the biggest mistake of your life, Perrie. I could've given you what you wanted. I would do anything to keep you here by my side. And now you're leaving me for him? You're going to be with a man who not only cheated on you, but shredded you like you were nothing? Like as if you are just a mere fragile glass that doesn't have any resonance or sentimentality?
Those exact words are what I am going to say to her. Perrie needed to hear it, she needed to know what I am truly feeling. After everything we've been through, I deserved to know why she left me to be with him; why she chose Luke. She left me at the altar, enfeebled and prostrated like as if all my senses have been annihilated, disabled, eradicated. She left me without a reason, she left me with no justification on what she did.
I trudged down the memorized pathway towards Perrie's house, my speech already occupying every single gap of my head. One step, two steps, three steps. And I halted. Her front door probably a few centimeters away from me as I heave a deep sigh and mentally cheered for myself.
And then I heard her angelic voice, giggling, muffled by the front door. I also heard Luke's laugh as well, the deep and husky laugh that never failed to make it to my bad side.
I furrowed my eyebrows and walked around the house and check on them in the house's window. The window was moist from the inside so I couldn't wipe it off, and so all I have to do now is just bare with it.
"Oh my god, Luke!" Perrie laughed, her smile at its widest length as she smacked a slice of chocolate cake towards Luke's visage, emitting another manly laugh from the boy and a majestic one from the blonde. "You're such an idiot!"
"Your idiot," Luke flirted, his lips found Perrie's in yet another kiss.
Perrie smiled. "I love you so much."
"I will always love you, Per."
And then they were kissing again, making me look away to prevent heartache.
"When you see your ex after a long time, Jade, there will always be a piece of your heart that will love him. Ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, they're all part of our history and we shouldn't reach out to them again. You know why?"
"Why?"
"Because reaching out to them is like going back to when you guys were together, going back from the start where your love had been puissant. It was as if you are starting to learn to love them again. And I don't want to do that. And that's why you shouldn't invite Luke and Maddie to our wedding. Because I only want to love you, and I only want you to love me. Do you hear me?"
"Perrie, I don't understand."
"Inviting Maddie is like inviting the indelible and unforgettable memories that you guys had made together, and same goes for me when I invite Luke. And if that happens, memories will always find their way to your heart, it will remind you the multiple reasons why you fell in love with the person."
I was supposed to feel disgusted, betrayed. I was supposed to be angry and go ballistic, supposed to barge in through that door and yell my lungs out the words that have been desperately attempting to escape from my lips, the words that are already at the tip of my tongue and ready to leave.
But I couldn't.
Perrie looked . . . ecstatic. She looked like as if the whole universe had just granted her wish, like as if she just won the lottery, like as if everything for her seemed to be in place, right where she wanted. I have never seen her smile so brightly before. And what's worse is that I couldn't elicit a smile like that, the smile that would potentially become the happiest smile of the world, or at least in my world. The happiness that she had emanated made my smile stretch up so widely because Perrie looked . . .
~•~•~
"Happier?" Jesy repeated.
I nodded. "She looked happier. Actually, that was probably the happiest I've seen her.
"Hold on," Jesy says. "You're telling me, that the Perrie who left you anguished at the altar, is happier?"
"Yup."
"You're mentally deranged."
"Jesy," I said. "Don't be like that."
"No, Jade, you don't be like that!" Jesy said as she gestured to my whole body, her frown evident. "She left you at the altar, distraught and in despair. She left you all because she wanted to be with that Luke. You need revenge, Jade. You need to show her what she had left behind!"
"No," I said, cutting her off.
"Excuse me?"
"No," I said again, calm and collected. Jesy was about to say something but I stopped her as I grabbed her hand and soothed it. I shook my head and flashed a small and inadequate smile. "I don't need revenge, nor do I want it."
"But--"
"Jesy, let me tell you one thing, one crucial, fundamental, pivotal, significant thing about revenge," I told her, loosing hold of her hands and leaning forward. "Revenge is for those who despise. And I'm telling you right now that I never despised Perrie, I never loathed her. The repugnance that I was feeling that day, the abhorrence, the hate? That was all because of what Perrie did to me, but not because of her."
Jesy looked at me with the kind of look that I hoped I wouldn't get again. The sympathy that she had shown to me made me feel like I'm impotent and powerless but I didn't care. Loving someone equivalents to losing all of you, even your powers. And that's exactly what I did for Perrie.
"Jade, why are you doing this to yourself?" Jesy asks and I continued to stare at her. She sighed, "Why do you resist the urge of radiating your anger, of letting everything out?"
I chuckled lowly. "Because unlike you, Jesy the immature woman, I know what is right and what is wrong. And believe me, taking away someone's happiness, someone's blissfulness and gratification for the sake of yours? That's wrong. Perrie looked like she's the only happiest person in this world and I don't wanna take that away from her for the sake of me feeling good--that is an epitome of selfishness and self-absorption of happiness."
Jesy sighed and squeezed my hands. "So what's next for Jade Thirlwall?"
I actually took the time to think about the answer to that question.
"Happily ever after?" I asked, slowly arching an eyebrow. "So you're telling me that Perrie Edwards, the sophisticated woman, believes in 'happily ever after'?"
Perrie giggled and snuggled closer to me. "Yes, I do."
"That's shit."
"No, it's not. Let me tell you something about 'happily ever after'. It's a fairy-tale, sure. But I live in a fairy-tale, Jade Thirlwall. And it exists for me."
"So I'm a part of your fairy-tale, too?"
Perrie nodded. "Mhmm. And I'm a part of your fairy-tale, too."
"You're a part of my realistic world."
"The realistic world sucks. There is no 'happily ever after', it's inexistential. And that's why we should choose to stay in the fantasy world, because happy endings exist in that world."
"But what if there are people that exist in the real world, too?"
"Then you are one lucky bastard."
I looked at her. "Perrie?"
"Mhmm?"
"What if . . . ," I sighed, "What if we aren't each other's happily-ever-after? What are we going to do?"
Perrie laughed. "Jade Amelia Thirlwall, are you breaking up with me?"
"I'm serious, Pez."
Perrie remained gazing at me, a glint of seriousness flashing beneath her eyes as she held my cheek and leaned her forehead on mine, still focusing her intense gaze on me.
"If we aren't meant to be and each other's happily-ever-after's, I want you to promise me that you'll never stop finding your happily-ever-after, and I'll promise you the same. You and I deserved to be happy, Jade. The world right now is filled with wrong people, but sometimes if you look harder, you'll know that there is also this perfect person, the person who is the apotheosis of your ideal lover, of your ideal world. The person who not only exists in fantasies, but also exists in real life. Can you promise me that whatever happens, you'll find that person?"
It was only until the day Perrie left me that I had known that we aren't meant for each other. Perrie isn't my happily-ever-after and I am evidently not hers. I guess Luke was really the one for her, and not me.
"You know what? If Perrie already found her happily-ever-after, I should start searching for one myself!" And then I leaned forward. "Is Leigh taken?"
Jesy laugh and nodded. "I'll set up a date for you guys if you want."
"Yes, please."