As it seemed, the first day back wasn't as traumatic as I was expecting. It wasn't a perfect day either. However, that was mostly due to school. I had Patty with me and that was all I cared about. Patty. It seems so dumb to think that I care about someone this much but I bet everyone would agree if they knew how he made me feel. He knew everything about me and I knew everything about him. He was my better half. I hadn't felt like that about anyone since Patrick.
I guess I am one of the lucky ones. Most people have never felt that way about anyone because the rest of the world thinks differently than they do. For someone who's seen the world and all it can offer, knowing that there's a chance of doing better is stressful. You could meet anyone and have felt instant infatuation but when you see them believe and say things you don't agree with it all goes downwards.
It's hard to fall in love with people that lack a lust for life. It's especially hard to be with anyone like that. I guess we all think we're geniuses and that everyone else is full of shit but I'm pretty sure all of us aren't geniuses at all. Every single person on the planet has flaws. Some are emotional. Some are physical. But the ones that strike me the most are the mentality flaws.
You all know people who think that they have all of the answers or that they're "mature" for their age. No one is. I can guarantee you that no one is truly smart we just think we are. A girl in your class who gets straight A's isn't the epitome of intelligence. Neither are your parents who believe that the issue with our generation is technology. And it certainly isn't rebellious teenagers who complain when their parents won't let them spend the weekend with their boyfriends/girlfriends in Los Angeles.
I don't trust people who think that they're better than their peers because I can assure you no one is better than anyone. Patty is the only person I can talk to about any of this because most people laugh and say that I expect too much from people. I don't. Expecting people to educate themselves and understand that the world is more than themselves isn't a high standard. It's quite literally the bare minimum.
This goes for a lot of things. Politics, school, parenting, relationships etc. You won't believe how many people say that they don't necessarily care about politics but they say that they're a republican or a democrat. That doesn't make any sense. Just because politics don't necessarily affect you personally doesn't mean you shouldn't care.
Of course, it's fine to have opinions as long as they aren't dehumanizing people or you aren'r educated about it. A man may shake his head and look the other way when the word feminism is mentioned because he simply doesn't understand the extent of it. He just goes off of his beliefs due to what he sees being represented in the media. Same concept applies to anyone who 1. is not lgbt 2. a person of colour and/or 3. a female.
You may be thinking, "Pete, this isn't what love is about. Why do you care so much about politics and being educated? When you're in love you can look past that!" No, you can't. Being in love isn't just romantic dates, kissing, and sex. It's about being with someone who you can feel at peace with, share things about yourself without shame, and being able to communicate. Love is everywhere but it's impossible to find it in people who are ignorant and don't want to better themselves. Things get to a point where someone's feet on the dashboard of your car stops being sexy and starts being annoying and arrogant.
No one thinks about this because everyone's willing to settle and waste about 48 years of their life with someone who doesn't understand how life works in any way. Age doesn't make anyone smarter. It only has the power to give someone more experience in hopes that they'll use the knowledge about their own life and use it in a way that can help themselves and others. Everyone's full of bullshit. No one knows what's going on and I realized that when the people I thought were cool growing up turned out to be fucking losers. I don't mean the stereotypical "oh I have no friends" kind of losers. I mean people who act as if they are on the same level as god. It makes me fucking laugh.
I don't like people who are arrogant instead of ambitious. People who prefer to be close minded and be "quirky" by not talking to anyone because they think they're the underdog aren't special. I prefer to be around people who understand the boundaries between wanting to keep to yourself and choosing to be "not like the rest of the world". You can't possibly believe that you're unique. It shows when people are unique and are their own person. These kinds of people are 1 in a million. They stand out because they aren't afraid to voice their opinion or to say what needs to be said. A person who doesn't put up with bullshit is exactly what our world needs at the moment.
We may never get this so called hero due to how close minded everyone is. I can assure you no one has a passionate way of viewing the world. We are all influenced by each other and what we think. If respected individuals believe some way then we are also more likely to think in that specific way. No one questions it either because we truly are just mindless zombies who just listen to people who sound smart but are simply saying things that aren't true.
Moral of the story: Human beings are selfish and no ones an exception.
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Patty is what I want.
I had doubts before, but I'm so sure of it now. He makes me so unbelievably happy and he tells me I'm cute even when I don't believe it. Patty fills my stomach up with butterflies and whenever he's around me they don't go away. He makes me want to be better and to do better. I can't believe I had been so blind to this before.
He looks at me as if I had stolen the stars and laid them out before him. He treats me like I'm a diamond. He's gentle and loving and he understands the way I think better than anyone I've ever met. Patty Walters was the love of my life and I didn't know how to feel about it.
Because he wasn't mine and he could never be mine.
It had been a month since Patty started going to my school and although I felt so lucky to have him here a part of me wished he wasn't. It was for a reason that I didn't realize soon enough.
Awsten Knight.
I had met the lad many times throughout the years but I've never given him much thought. Okay, I have but it was only due to the fact that Awsten was one of the few people who stood out and were clearly good people. He had always been nice towards me whenever we saw each other at school functions or concerts. However, since then Awsten and Patty met and when Patty met Awsten he fell and he fell hard. Awsten was rather attractive but it wasn't the way he looked that made Patty want to be with him it was the way Awsten was and how he acted towards others that made him so appealing. He was fun and loving and everything about him was endearing and charismatic.
Yet here I was, Pete and the only thing going for me was the way I looked. It's not me being narcissistic either, I'm simply pointing out the fact that if I didn't look the way I did I wouldn't have the same effect on people when I talk. People only listen to whoever is attractive or has spunk to them. It's just a simple fact of life.
I love Patty and I know that he and Awsten would work so well together since they come from similar backgrounds and are both complimentary different individuals. It still hurt because Patty and I shared a lot of nights together and even got to a point of intimacy that crossed the line between friends and lovers. It wasn't our faults either seeing as we spent a lot of time together, had a lot of tension between us and we were teenage boys after all. Both of us had needs that could have only been fulfilled by each other at that point and that was okay. It didn't matter if hooking up with my best friend was going to be a short lived experience. We both felt safe and enjoyed ourselves so there really was no issue.
What I'm getting at is that I'm lucky that I even have the chance to feel love and to fall in love. I get to feel genuine happiness with another person. Not everyone gets to do that. Patty and I may have only been a fling but with each passing day I'm really sure that that was the right way to go about it. He makes me a better version of myself and I love him. I love him enough to know that he deserves to be happy even if he can't find that happiness in myself because at the end of the day, I am merely Pete and he's simply Patty. Everything happens for a reason and I didn't understand that until the morning after Patty and I had sex for the last time.
It was February 6th and we were in bed wrapped up in each others arms. I was playing with his hair as we laid there enjoying each other's company. Patty was singing softly and it reminded me of someone but I couldn't tell who it was. I'm pretty sure it was just a distant memory from a time when I was happy.
"Do you think we're going to live long enough to do what we were made to?" I was slightly startled by his question since it was about 6am and we weren't talking much. I pondered it for awhile though. Patty had always been a passionate soul just like I had and it definitely showed when he spoke to me. Even when we shared all of those intimate nights of making love and telling each other how important we were to one another, it was still just Patty and myself. Two lost souls who were desperately in need of a connection with another human being. But he was right. Were we going to live that long?
"I'm sure we will, you make me happy and I've lived long enough to know that." He was satisfied with my answer and blushed. He cuddled up to my side a lot more and I could feel him smiling into my chest. Never have I ever felt my heart warm up as much as it did. He started laughing to himself and he had a dreamy look in his tired eyes. Patty was stunning. I told him so everyday and especially when we did what we did. He had always been so insecure about his body and himself but I didn't understand why. I had always lived under the assumption that no one was perfect. At least until I met Patty. I'm glad I did because he made me fall in love with the world again even after I convinced myself that it was worthless since it took away the one thing I had ever cared for.
"I don't know what I'd do without you, Petey. I'm so glad we met when we did and I guess everything does happen for a reason. I-I love you."
And that was when I knew I had found my person.