PAST
It felt like there was problem after problem in the Baker household. The main one? Mom and dad were continuing to deal with financial issues, arguing while Hannah and I listened.
Hannah and I felt bad ,of course, her going as far as offering to use the money saved for her college fund.
Hannah didn't see it as a big deal although I knew she was secretly hoping they wouldn't agree.
While she definitely wanted to help our parents, I knew another part of her wanted to go to college.
But I didn't have that problem, so I knew I should be the one to help- to save the day as I always found myself trying to do.
"Okay, all of you stop there. You don't have to use Hannah's college fund. You can use mine. I'm not going to college."
Altogether, the three of them asked, "What?"
I shrugged, "I just don't see the use of it anymore-"
"All this for a boy? Really?" dad scoffed, obviously not too pleased with my answer.
I grew silent at that, mom sighing as she looked over at dad warningly, "Andy."
"Right. I'm gonna go," I mumbled though, not bothering to stick around to hear what he had to say.
I left, practically slamming the door on the way out, hoping they got the hint but they didn't- at least Hannah didn't.
"Anna, he didn't mean it. Cmon. You're overreacting."
Turning around in an instant, I glared at her, "Overreacting? Hannah, you've been a mess the whole year for so many reasons and each time I've been there for you yet when I need you- you tell me I'm overreacting?!"
"No," Hannah sighed, "Anna, I'm sorry but-"
"Christ Hannah you're so goddamn selfish! I- just stay away from me."
Walking away from her, I felt all sorts of anger, anger I've never felt towards my family or even Hannah for that matter but it was all there.
And that anger soon turned into tears threatening to spill out, doing just that the second I spotted him.
Clay Jensen.
The guy I had shared so many memories with Jeff, the one person I knew would understand me and what I was feeling.
"Clay," I whispered, Clay turning in an instant, frowning when he saw me standing there.
"Anna? What's-" I interrupted him, just stepping forward to hug him tightly, burying my head in his chest.
"I-I miss him. So goddamn much."
"Anna," Clay mumbled sadly, finally wrapping his arms around me to hold me close, brushing my hair just like Jeff used to but it just wasn't the same.
Luckily, Clay knew this and wasn't trying to force me to talk about anything I didn't want to, instead he just took my mind off of things- just like Jeff did, even buying me snacks in an attempt to help me feel better.
It was working for the most part until he had to go back to work and then Hannah paid an impromptu visit.
"Hannah asked for you," Clay mumbled, taking a seat next to me, reaching over to grab some of my candy.
"I'm hoping you told her to screw off?"
"No," Clay chuckled, "I did tell her I didn't know where you were though."
"Thanks... why did she drop by anyway?"
"To pick up her check. It was weird though, I told her we could've just sent it to her-"
"Obviously she wanted to see you, Clay. She likes you."
"Really? Well, it doesn't seem like it- especially after the party."
As much as it hurt to talk about the party, I knew I couldn't avoid the topic forever, "Oh, cmon. She was just a little shaken up. You should've stayed, talked to her- given her time to adjust."
"Well, you sound just like Jeff," Clay chuckled, making us both freeze, him sighing in realization, "Sorry."
"Don't be. I can't avoid talking about him forever, right? And besides, someone has to be like him since he's no longer here... even though there will never truly be anyone like him."
An awkward silence filled the room as I stood up after I've had enough, "Well thank you for the company, Clay. Hopefully, I don't get you fired."
"Oh, who cares about that. How about you? You sure you'll be fine?"
"Yeah. I'm just gonna go home and rest it off. Thanks again."
Sharing a final hug, I said my goodbyes to Clay, making my way home where dad tried to apologize but I just brushed off, instead opting to take a nap, waking up later in the night to a knock on my door.
Seeing Hannah walk in, I immediately sat up, unsure of what to expect.
Hannah looked very apologetic though- just like dad.
"I'm sorry," Hannah mumbled, going to sit next to me, "You're the one person I never thought I'd let down yet- yet I let you down. I let mom and dad down. I-I'm sorry."
"You didn't let me down," I mumbled, wiping my tears, "And I'm sure you didn't let mom and dad down- what happened with them?"
"I uh... I was supposed to make a bank deposit for them but I forgot I left the money on top of the car and I- well... I lost it."
"You what?"
"I know," Hannah sighed, "But I'm already working out a plan to pay them back but I still feel horrible and... hey do you maybe wanna go for a walk with me?"
"A walk?"
Hannah nodded, smiling softly, "I think we could both use it."
I slowly nodded, grabbing my jacket from the side before leaving with her when luckily mom and dad were already fast asleep.
And it wasn't like we knew where we were going.
We just walked and talked the entire time, not even realizing we were in the rich part of the town until the loud music snapped us out of it.
I went to turn away but Hannah only got closer, making me feel uneasy being the last party we went to wasn't the greatest.
"Maybe we should go," I mumbled, knowing all to well that that house was Bryce's.
Hannah shook her head though, "I want to go."
Before I could tell her otherwise, she walked in, which only made me walk in too to follow her, to make sure she was alright.
And I knew once I saw Jessica, Justin and Zach there all drunkenly greeting Hannah and begging her for pizza.
"Anna!" Zach called out, removing his arm from around the girl he was with to smile at me, "Hey."
"Hi, Zach."
This girl obviously wasn't too pleased but it wasn't like Zach or anyone else cared, too consumed in their pizza.
And also in wanting Hannah and I to join them.
While Hannah reluctantly agreed, I stuck to my initial no.
"I'll be right over there. Have fun, you guys."
With that I went to go when Zach called out for me, already standing up, "Let's go inside, me and you."
"What? No. I have to stay close by and-"
"Please don't finish that sentence," Hannah groaned, putting her clothes to the side, "I'll be fine by myself you go."
"Hannah-"
"Just go," she reassured me with a small smile, "I'll be fine."
Before I could protest, Zach got out of the hot tub, dragging me away with a smile, "Cmon, you. Time to relax."
Rolling my eyes, I nodded, "Jessica and Justin, watch out for Hannah."
"Yes, ma'am!" Justin and Jessica laughed, me sighing as I was now being the reluctant one- following Zach inside.
Being with Zach, I tried my hardest not to compare him to Jeff but I couldn't help it.
Jeff would've never let me leave Hannah's side- even if it was to be with him.
He was that amazing.
So how could I possibly even look at another guy when Jeff was how he was.
Even if Zach was being sweet, I couldn't just swoon for him when Jeff would always be in the back of my mind.
Zach seemed to notice this.
"You okay?"
"Well that's a stupid question, isn't it?" I mumbled, the two of us arriving in the kitchen.
Sighing, Zach nodded, "Right, sorry. That was. I guess I'm just worried about you."
"The Zach Dempsey worried about me?" I asked jokingly, Zach chuckling as he nodded.
"Believe it or not I have actual feelings, Baker. And seeing you- the once so shiny and happy Annabelle Baker looking so down, it sucks."
"Yeah," I mumbled, "It sucks more feeling this way. Hopefully, you'll never feel this way."
"Yeah... hopefully," Zach mumbled himself as he started to prepare drinks.
I watched as he expertly handled it before finally coming up with two cups.
"For you," Zach smiled softly, handing me a red solo cup.
Shaking my head, I pushed it away, "I can't."
"Why not?"
I was ready to tell him I was pregnant when I stopped short, realizing I wasn't- not anymore.
And that only made me more depressed thinking about it.
Thinking about someone else I lost in such little time.
"Anna?" Zach asked carefully, snapping me out of my train of thoughts.
"Yeah, sorry. I'll take it."
Before Zach could say anything else, I took the drink, emptying the cup as fast as I could, Zach only watching me in surprise.
It seemed like that was all I needed to get me started, using the drinks as a guide through this conversation.
It was going well for the most part until Zach decided to let his drunken mind take over.
"I really like you, Anna... always have, really."
"Zach-"
"I know. I know you just lost Jeff but I- I just had to let you know. You know, before I was too late... again."
"Again?"
"Yeah... I actually saw you at Monet's the same time Jeff did... you only seemed to notice him though so I chickened out- didn't say anything."
"Well, in your defense nothing you said would've made me not interested in Jeff so... good job in not saying anything."
"Yeah, I can't complain. Jeff was a really good guy," Zach mumbled, giving me a look which I knew all too well.
He wanted me to talk about my feelings, like everyone else.
"Are we really going to talk about this?"
"Not if you don't want to. But I just- listen, I know no one will ever replace him and I just- I want you to know that that is not what I'm trying to do."
Growing teary-eyed, I shook my head.
"I'm sure you're a great guy Zach but... I don't want you to get any ideas. I don't want a relationship. I-"
"I know," Zach cut me off, smiling softly at me, "And I respect that."
"Good," I mumbled, Zach wiping my tears as he chuckled.
"It's also a good thing that I'm supposed to be a heartless stupid jock but momma raised me better than that."
Giggling, I leaned my head against his shoulder, "That, she did. You're actually a pretty great guy Zach Dempsey."
"Oh I know," he laughed, "Maybe you should tell your sister that."
"Nope. You were still an ass to her."
Zach groaned, making me laugh as I lifted my head when I saw Jessica and Justin coming down the stairs.
"What the hell?"
"What?"
I stood up, already making my way to the couple who were all laughs.
"What are you guys doing? You were supposed to stay with Hannah!"
"Chill," Justin complained, "We left her with- what's her name?"
"Oh, who care," Jessica laughed, "We wanted some alone time, we went to get it. Hannah will be fine."
I went to protest when Bryce's loud voice came through the house, "Cmon! Let's get this after party started!"
Everyone cheered, including Jessica, Justin and Zach but I only rolled my eyes, leaving before anyone could stop me.
Zach and Bryce definitely tried though.
"What's wrong, Baker? Let's party!"
"I have to go- check on Hannah."
"What no? Hannah's fine! Cmon!"
With that Bryce went to drag me back in but I was quick to push him away.
"Let me go, Bryce! I need to go check on Hannah."
"Hannah's a big girl," Zach tried now, already grabbing another cup of beer from Jessica to hand to me, "Cmon, enjoy yourself."
"One thing you should know, Zach. Hannah comes first- in every situation. If you don't get that then whatever this is will never work."
"Anna!" Zach tried to call after me once I ran out but I knew I couldn't go back.
I wasn't sure whether it was the drinks in my system or my 'twin power' but I knew something wasn't right and I just had to find Hannah.
Wherever she was.
written: may 9, 2017