"Mum..."
"It was you? This whole time...I thought..." Suddenly she began to hyperventilate. I quickly dropped everything and rushed to the kitchen and over to the cupboard to grab a brown paper bag. I darted back to the living room and handed it to her. She took deep breaths and panted into it, bending over to try and catch her breath.
I watched her worriedly, the feeling of guilt instantly shrouding me. "Please, breathe mum. I don't want you to hurt yourself."
"It was you," she muttered quietly into the bag, her voice muffled. "You did it..."
I frowned at her shaky tone.
"This whole time...I thought someone had broken in a-and...oh God!" she breathed heavily again and I rushed forward to rub her back. The sound of her retching and gagging for air really concerned me.
"I can explain, really..."
She winced away from my hand and I froze. Was she really that repulsed by me?
"David is dead...y-you..." she looked up at me. "You killed him...and I didn't even know...all this time..."
"Mum—"
"WHY!"
I winced at her words. She brought the bag away from her face, tears streaming down her cheeks as she gaped at me in horror.
"Why Stace? After all he did for you...a-and you..." she released a shaky breath. "You let me believe it was someone else! You comforted me, knowing the truth all along! Even the police...no-one told me..." She lunged forward and gripped my shoulders, shaking me in exasperation. "TELL ME STACEY! WHY DID YOU DO IT?"
"BECAUSE HE RAPED ME!" She froze with wide eyes and her breath hitched. "He raped me...more than once," I muttered, looking down in defeat. Finally, after all these years, I was coming clean to my mum. Something I never thought I would tell her was slipping past my lips like running water. "Since I was young, he molested me...whenever you weren't around."
She watched me in silence, her mouth agape in utter shock and horror.
"I couldn't say anything. He threatened me every time, and he would have done it again that day...but I...I-I stabbed...I stabbed him." I felt the tears leave my eyes and looked at her pleadingly. "I didn't mean for it to happen. It was self-defence...but if I didn't do something, he would've hurt me again."
Her eyes never left mine as I poured my heart out.
"I just couldn't take it anymore. Having to pretend everything was okay and forcing a smile at everyone. I haven't been happy for ten years...I...I just..." I hiccupped a sob and my vision went blurry from the excessive tears. "I wanted it to stop...a-and that was the only thing I could do. He said he would've killed me so I...I beat him to it." I looked mum firmly in the eye and declared loudly, "I killed David."
Her grip on my shoulders was tight, her hands shaking uncontrollably. The speech had been snatched from her, all she did was stare with wet eyes and a shivering mouth.
Seeing her this way was literally breaking my heart. I released a shaky breath. "It was either him or me, mum..."
She finally moved, covering her mouth and shaking violently with sobs. Suddenly she got up and rushed out the room. I stood up to follow her but paused when I heard the bathroom door bang open, and the sounds of her vomiting violently. I sighed and collapsed on the chair, not knowing what to do.
The plan was to get this trial out of the way and keep it from her. It was easy to keep it from her before; she was pregnant and wasn't allowed to travel, which allowed Aunt Pauline to fill in her spot for the trial. Mum would have been none the wiser. If only Mr Lawrence didn't call so early to confirm the trail...if only I was here to answer the damn phone...mum would have still been clueless. She would still have believed a complete stranger had broken into the house and murdered David that day.
But now she knew.
She knew I was the murderer.
And she hated me for it.
The look of horror and disdain on her face will forever burn into my memory. I had never seen that expression on her face before, and it made me disgusted with myself. I felt like throwing up with her.
I remained still for a moment and realised just how much time had passed. Eventually, the retching stopped and the house was silent again. Cautiously, I stood up and approached the bathroom. Mum was hunched over the toilet on her knees with vomit spilling over the seat. I stepped back at the puddle reaching my feet.
Wait...puddle?
My eyes bugged when I quickly realised the situation.
"Mum...your waters broke," I whispered.
She glanced down at the liquid on the floor and looked at me blankly. "God," she muttered.
I quickly retrieved my phone and called for the ambulance. After discussing the situation, I hung up and bent down to tend to her.
"They'll be here in ten minutes. You're not likely to go into labour for another 24 hours, but they have to check on you." Mum's body was limp in my arms as I tried to lift her. "You're not in pain, are you?"
"That depends," Mum whispered. "My heart feels broken..." she looked at me and I frowned.
Deciding to ignore the remark, I helped her to stand and flushed the toilet after wiping the seat. I led her back to the living-room and rested her on the chair. "Do you have a hospital bag ready?"
"By the stairs."
After assisting her to put her shoes and jacket on, I helped her change her trousers and gave her a sanitary towel to wear just in case. I mopped up the mess in the bathroom and sat with her quietly, patiently waiting for the cab to arrive. The sound of the clock ticking rang in my ears, like a reminder of the ominous silence.
"Mum..."
She gaped at me and I took in every minuscule detail of her face: her eyes red and puffy, her lips cracked and dry, and her face soaked with endless tears. I wasn't even sure why I spoke. I just wanted to reassure her that everything was okay...that I wasn't a monster...
I said nothing.
Soon we were in the cab heading to the hospital. Mum had called the maternity unit and was asked a number of questions. We arrived at the hospital and headed straight to the unit; Mum was seen to quickly. I sat near the bedside while the midwife monitored the baby's heartbeat and wrote down some notes. Mum's contractions hadn't started yet, so we were left in the waiting room until further notice.
Once again we were in silence.
I played with my fingers and checked my phone a good seven times before deciding to break the mute atmosphere.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered.
I saw mum turn to me but I didn't dare look her in the eye; I just couldn't bring myself to. I wasn't sure what I could even say, but now my emotions were getting the better of me and my eyes welled up with tears. I tried to sniff them away and wiped my eyes with my sleeve. My heart thumped with sorrow, my chest ached and my forehead pounded. I had no right to cry, I wasn't the one who had lost their partner in such a brutal way. I wasn't the one who had been lied to for several months.
"You never...once...told me..." the broken speech made me look back up. "You...suffered in silence...all that time..." I watched as mum used her hand towel to dry her face. Then she looked to the wall, rubbing her stomach absentmindedly. "I didn't know. It's my fault."
Hearing that made me feel even worse. "No mum, it's not."
"I should have known. He never wanted to..." she drifted off and then her eyes widened at a sudden realisation. "He would always go to your room to read you bedtime stories at night...but I never used to hear him talk...I just thought..." she covered her mouth with a shaky hand and began to weep. "Oh my God..."
I moved closer to her and hugged her tight as she cried. "Please don't, mum. Don't blame yourself. I'm so sorry..." I began to cry with her. "Please. Please stop. I don't want you to cry. I never wanted this."
"Stacey," Mum whined with a soft cry. She clutched me to her chest and cried into my shoulder. "I'm supposed to protect you. I failed you. You never liked David. You were always so quiet around him. I should've fucking known."
"Stop Mum," I whimpered into her gown. "Please."
Her whines quickly grew into loud sobs. I tried to quieten her but it was too late. She let everything out: her pent up aggression, months of being alone to carry a child, uncertainty of the future, and the overwhelming depression after everything that happened with David. I let her cry. Sometimes tears were a cathartic release—purifying in a way.
The midwife soon entered and watched on in concern at the sight of Mum sobbing in my embrace.
"Is everything alright?" she asked.
I sighed and rubbed my mum's back soothingly. "She's just overwhelmed."
The midwife, whose name I grasped was Angela, strode forward with a soft, understanding smile. "That's completely normal. Your hormones are all over the place, but everything is going to be fine, I can assure you."
Mum pulled away from me with a sniffle and we regarded each other silently. If only we could believe that.
"I'm sorry," Mum said, although her eyes were still watching mine. "I'm so sorry..."
I watched that hopeless expression on her face; she was desperate for my forgiveness. She needed some form of affirmation that things may get better, that I could overcome this, that we could overcome this.
I swiped some hair from her eyes and nodded. That nod was all she needed, and her sobs lessened, however, the tears stained her face. I used some kleenex from the bedside table and wiped her cheeks, then I dabbed her eyes. Never before have I seen Mum in this state, she was always so self-assured and confident, but now she literally depended on me for everything. I had to make sure that she would never cry like this again.
*
It was a long eight hours, but eventually, my little sister was born. Jennifer Marie Coleman.
By now, family had literally swarmed the hospital to welcome the new addition to the family. I was shocked to even see Jessica and Aunt Pauline had travelled from London to see her. Jessica ran to me and clasped me tightly. I gripped her tight, feeling warmth and comfort in her embrace. It had been literally two days since I left her back in South London, but I missed her terribly. So much had happened—new developments and revelations—and I wanted to tell her everything.
After greeting the whole family and giving Aunt Pauline a massive hug, I led Jessica to the toilets. She watched me oddly as I checked all the cubicles. It was still early in the afternoon; thankfully, the coast was clear.
"You alright?" she asked.
I swallowed hard and scratched my arm nervously. "Not really."
"Stacey..." she sighed. "I'm happy to see you and everything, but you look awful. Have you even slept?"
"No. I've been awake waiting for Jennifer."
"Ah." Jessica nodded, fully understanding that I would rather sacrifice some sleep in order to see the birth of my little sister. "Well what's wrong?"
"Mum knows."
She regarded me strangely for a second, but then her eyes bugged. "Wait...seriously?"
"I got home and she questioned me. My lawyer called the house phone and discussed the whole trial with her for legality reasons."
Jessica clasped her hands to her mouth. "Oh no, Stace..." she came closer and rubbed my arm consolingly. "How did she react? Did she flip?"
I sighed. "If you could call it that. She threw up and everything. Completely messed her up."
Jessica's head sunk, saddened that after all this effort to keep this news and the trial from Mum, she still found out in the end. "Poor Aunty."
"I know. I feel horrible. She looked completely disgusted with me, but as soon as we reached the hospital, she broke down, saying it was all her fault."
Jessica shook her head with a sigh. "She really shouldn't blame herself."
"That's what I told her."
Jessica watched me with an expression filled with pity. "Does she know that he died from natural causes?"
My eyes widened. That's right! Although I had stabbed David, he was still alive for a few hours. Doctor Reeve's words in court suddenly rang in my ears.
"The knife was not fully lodged within Mr Johnson's chest, meaning he was still alive at the scene. It was genuine shock—mixed with the carcinogen toxins in his lungs—that killed him."
David was suffering from mild lung cancer from five months prior. As stated in court, his lungs would have failed him sooner or later. My stabbing him just managed to provoke it much quicker. I wasn't too sure what my lawyer, Mr Lawrence, had told Mum over the phone about the trial, but she was definitely aware that I had stabbed David, ultimately killing him. If I told her the technicalities of his health issues, maybe she wouldn't feel so horrible about the situation.
"She doesn't know," I muttered.
Jessica nodded. "Make sure you tell her. It's important."
I sighed and leant against the sink, feeling overwhelmed with different emotions. I was still relieved at being found innocent in court, but now I just felt dreadful about everything else. Luckily, Jennifer was taking Mum's mind off things. She was a healthy, bouncing baby with bright eyes and tiny features. Through her exhaustion, Mum still smiled down at her and cradled her as I cut the umbilical cord.
My main worry was how long Mum's mind will wander. How long can my little sister distract Mum from the fact that her partner — the love of her life — is dead and gone? When will she finally start to think about David abusing her daughter behind her back? How long will it take before she develops depression or post-traumatic stress disorder? What if she requires a psychiatrist? Would she be mentally and physically able to raise a newborn? Just how badly is this going to affect her, long term? So many questions and I couldn't answer any of them.
"Aunty is strong," Jessica said lowly, standing beside me. She gave me a little nudge, which snapped me out of my erratic thoughts. "She'll overcome this. You just have to be there for her. Help her with Jennifer, reassure her that everything will be okay."
"What if it won't be okay?"
"It will be."
"But how do you know that?"
Jessica gave a sad smile. "Because I do. You need to think so, too. You have to be her safety net. Even if you don't think things will get better, you need to make her think that they will."
"Then I'd be lying."
"For the sake of her well-being. Sometimes it's necessary."
I ran my fingers through my hair and shut my eyes briefly, taking a deep breath. Calm down, Stace. You need to keep your cool, for Mum's sake. I opened my eyes and turned to Jessica with a nod.
"You're right."
Her smile wasn't sad this time. "Always am. Come, let's get back to Jennifer."
I agreed and we left the toilets, my chest feeling much lighter with hope for the future.
*
Family came and went. Soon it was early evening, and only Mum and I were left. I sat beside the hospital bed and watched as Mum cradled Jennifer in her arms, stroking her hair back and smiling down at her like the proud mother she was. It was a soothing sight; to see Mum so content after all of the trauma.
I couldn't help but stare at my little sister. It was still surreal, that after all this time of being an only child and having to play by myself whenever friends weren't around, I finally had a sibling. Jennifer whined a little and I couldn't help but coo. She was so tiny with the cutest button nose, light blonde hair, mum's lips, and David's big green eyes.
I smiled sadly. She looked just like him.
Jennifer was a constant reminder that David was once in our lives.
"She's so beautiful," I whispered.
"She really is," Mum agreed with a little smile. "It's crazy. Reminds me of when I held you for the first time. I couldn't keep my hands off you." She laughed to herself lightly and rocked Jennifer in her arms. "Now I get to look forward to raising another child." Her smile fell gradually and I saw her gulp. "I hope I can do it."
"You can, and you will," I assured her quickly. "I'll be here. So will Aunty Monica, Aunty Pauline, and everyone else. Don't ever think you're in this alone, Mum."
She nodded, but I could tell my words weren't enough. I figured now would be a good time as any to mention David again. He was the last person I wanted to bring up in a situation like this, but I felt like Mum still needed some closure.
"I'm sorry," I muttered. "For everything. He's...David's not coming back. I took him away from you."
Mum sighed but she said nothing.
"I wanted to tell you something."
"Stacey, please..."
"You need to hear this, Mum." She finally looked up at me and I took a deep breath. "Whatever happened that day, happened. But I wanted to let you know that David was suffering from lung cancer for five months beforehand."
Her eyes widened a fraction. Still, she said nothing.
"In court, the pathologist explained that he had something called..." I wracked my brain to try and remember the exact term. "...'mesothelioma', I think. She said that he was due to pass away because of it, due to all the heavy chain smoking."
Mum watched me silently for a few moments, then her rocking motion stilled and she shut her eyes. "I thought something was wrong with him. He had a really bad cough."
"That's probably what it was."
"He always refused to go to the doctor. Maybe he already knew."
I nodded and rested my hand on her arm. "Mum, I really don't know how much times I can say sorry."
Her eyes snapped open again and she glared at me. "Sorry for what? Defending yourself?"
I was taken aback by her sudden outburst. My shoulders shrugged and I lowered my head in shame. "Sorry for taking him away from you."
"I don't ever want to hear you apologise, Stace. I'm the one who's sorry. We weren't together that long, so it wasn't like I knew him as well as I should have. I brought him into our home and you were only young. To know what you went through..." she shook her head in disgust. "I'm glad you stood up for yourself." Her eyes bore into mine. "Do you hear me? I'm glad. Don't ever feel bad for what you've done. Don't apologise for protecting yourself."
A tear slipped down my cheek at her firm words. Finally, she was telling me what she truly felt. She didn't want apologies, in her eyes, I'd done nothing but defend myself.
Mum shut her eyes again and I heard a sniff. Then I saw a tear fall down her cheek also. "I can't believe it. I still feel like I'm dreaming." She opened her eyes again and peered down at Jennifer, who was now asleep. "What will I tell her?" she whispered. Then she looked at me in desperation. "What do I say when she asks me where Daddy is?"
I swallowed hard. There was no way I could even answer that — or better yet, there was no right answer. Realistically, Jennifer could grow to hate me if she knew the truth, and rightfully so. The only way she wouldn't is if I explained what David had done. That wasn't necessary at all.
"You tell her that he's not with us anymore, but no matter what, we'll always be here."
"What if she asks me why?" Mum questioned. Her true fears were really surfacing now.
"You tell a little white lie, so you can protect her."
Just then Jennifer began to stir, and a little whine slipped out. I held my hands out and Mum handed her over. I rocked her in my arms gently and stroked her soft baby hairs back. She was a spitting image of her father. It was hard to tell just how inquisitive Jennifer will grow to be, but I hope in the long run, she could learn to forgive me.
Mum rubbed my arm and I smiled at her weakly. "We can start fresh, right?"
For the first time in ages, the smile on Mum's face reached her eyes. It was genuine, not a forced smile that she had shown the whole family. This time she truly seemed content. She had been through a lot with the childbirth; I could tell that she was exhausted. The bags under her eyes and her cracked lips confirmed it, but still...she had never looked so pure and cleansed.
"Of course," she finally whispered.
*
Ten months later
"Mum!"
"What?"
"Jen's got your makeup again!"
Mum came rushing from the kitchen and grabbed the lipstick out of Jennifer's hand before she had the chance to start eating it. She turned to me and scowled. "You're bloody good help, aren't you?"
I laughed and turned the page of the newspaper. "She was too far away, I couldn't stop her in time."
She rolled her eyes and Jennifer giggled. She was all over the place today, crawling around in her nappy and destroying everything in her path. This time she had got hold of Mum's makeup bag and proceeded to empty its contents before licking the lid of the lipstick tube.
Mum picked her up and wiped her mouth with a cloth. "Right, let's get you changed. Liam will be here soon."
"Going on another playdate?" I asked, still reading the newspaper.
"Yes, he's got Kyle with him this time. We're going to the zoo."
I nodded with a smile. Liam was Mum's friend. They met at her workplace in the office when he became a new employee. The minute Mum told me about him, I could instantly tell that he fancied her, but she just couldn't see it. He was in his late forties, divorced with a one-year-old son, Kyle. This would be their third 'playdate' with Mum and Jen, but I knew it was Liam's clever ruse to spend some more time with Mum. However, I knew she wasn't interested. It's been less than a year since the trial, and the pain was still fresh for her. I knew she wasn't ready to jump into another relationship just yet, plus her psychologist suggested she didn't rush into anything for at least another year or so.
Mum bounced Jen in her arms and she giggled joyfully. Jennifer was growing quickly, her hair a curly dirty blonde and her eyes as blue as the sky. She hardly caused a fuss; she was literally the happiest baby I knew. She was especially attached to mum and Aunt Pauline, but usually cried whenever Jessica held her, which I found hilarious. As Jen blubbered, Mum looked at me,
"When are you leaving?"
"Now, actually." I folded the newspaper and put it down before standing up to slip my converses on.
"You've packed already?"
"I only had a few bits and bobs with me this time."
She nodded and I went to my holdall bag that was waiting by the door. I held my hands out for Jennifer and Mum passed her over. It was crazy how time flew. It wasn't that long ago when I held my little sister in my arms at the hospital and rocked her gently to sleep. She was so tiny, weighing under six pounds, but now she was bigger and vibrant, a bouncing bundle of happiness; she could never keep still. She looked at me curiously and spoke in her baby language.
"I'm off again, Jen. Gimme kiss."
She leaned forward and gave a slobbery kiss to my cheek with a loud "Mwah!"
I laughed and placed her on the floor. She crawled off immediately and Mum hugged me tightly.
"Safe drive. Let me know when you get there."
"Will do. Enjoy your date."
"Playdate."
"Same thing."
She nudged me with a laugh and handed over my leather jacket from the bannister. "See you soon."
"Bye Mum."
I wheeled my holdall bag outside and unlocked my car with the keys. After dumping the bag in the boot of my red Mini Cooper, I hopped into the passenger seat and started the engine. It purred and rumbled to life. My tank was full, I had my CD's ready, so I was all good to go.
"Bye bye!"
I looked back to the house to see Mum and Jennifer waving at me from the front door. Jen was barely able to talk (save for the words 'Mummy', 'toast', and 'bye bye') but it was a good start.
"See you later, Jen," I called back with a wave. Then I beeped the horn and drove off, happy to head back to London.
It was a long drive back, but I eventually made it home. I parked up my car, dragged my bag out the boot and used my keys to enter the house.
"Hello?"
"Babe?"
Javon's head popped out through the kitchen door. He smiled and approached me, gripping me into a massive bear hug and lifting me off the floor to spin me around. "Welcome back. How was the drive?"
"Long, but I took breaks. My legs are killing."
He chuckled and rested me back on the floor before giving me a gentle peck. "I told you to take coach. I didn't think your car could handle the motorway again."
"Leave Becky alone, she's good." I had bought her two days after passing my test. She was a fighter: 2004 plate, had a few issues with servicing, but she handled the motorway well. Javon wanted me to take the coach to and from Manchester, but I didn't see the point in it since I wasn't living there anymore. I would rather have Becky with me.
Javon laughed and picked my bag up for me. I followed him upstairs and began to unpack my clothes as I updated him on my family.
"How's Jen?"
"Still destroying things; she's massive now." I laughed to myself as I remembered her taking food off Mum's plate whenever she wasn't looking. It was little antics like that I found endearing.
"And how's Mum?" Javon asked again.
"She's good, still missing me. I don't think she's used to me being away all the time."
Javon cooed. "Give her time." He stood behind me by the dresser as I folded my jeans and put them back in the drawer. "I've missed you."
"Missed you too, Jav."
He wrapped his hands around my waist and kissed my neck softly. "Two weeks. You know how long that is for me?"
I laughed. "You've waited much longer before."
"Not the point." He pushed himself against me and brought his lips closer to my ear. "I had no one to play with. Had to sort myself out."
I cringed and shrugged him off. He was so naughty! "Is that all you think about?"
"Around you, yeah." He grabbed onto my wrist and pulled me with him onto the bed. We both collapsed on the mattress, me on top of him, and smiled at one another. It was nice to be in Javon's embrace again. I really did miss him.
Time was literally passing us by, I remember right after Jennifer was born, I received a call from Javon telling me his mum passed away. It was the hardest phone conversation I'd ever been through. She had been battling with stomach cancer for months on end, only to eventually lose. I knew she was having problems, but I didn't realise it was that fatal. It took me a while to console Javon, and the very next day I took the coach back to London to be with him again. I stayed with him through it all: the paperwork, the will, the funeral plans — everything. After the funeral, Javon discovered that his mum had left the house in his name, and since he was of age, he was able to start paying rent with the help of the council. Naturally, he quit his job at Caffe Nero and moved onto an internship in Business Management, which surprisingly paid more.
In that time, Chloe moved out. Her and Javon weren't getting along due to arguments over their mother's will and general sibling rivalry, so she moved in with her auntie in Basingstoke instead. Javon was left with a three bedroom home all to himself. Once I got back to Manchester, I told Mum the news, and she had suggested something completely outrageous.
"Why don't you move in with him?"
I had choked on my Diet Coke that day. "You what?"
"You miss London, don't you? And you wouldn't want him to live all alone, not after he's just lost his mum."
"But..." I swallowed hard and watched as she breastfed Jennifer. "I can't just leave you here."
She rolled her eyes. "I won't be by myself, Stace. I've got my sisters. You've done more than enough, anyway."
"Mum..." I immediately thought about her sessions with her psychologist. She saw him twice a month, and I would look after Jen every time. If I wasn't around, who would Mum depend on? Yeah, sure, my aunties were local, but Mum needed someone in the house with her to help with Jennifer at all times. What kind of daughter would I be if I ran away to live with my boyfriend while my mentally unstable Mum was left to care for my little sister?
"I wouldn't do that to you," I muttered.
"Stace..." Mum sighed and shook her head. "I have family who love and care for me here. Who does Javon have?"
My eyes widened at the question. I was seriously taken aback. It was true. Javon really didn't have anyone. It was always him, his mum, and Chloe. Now that his mum was gone, and Chloe moved out, Javon was literally alone. He wasn't particularly close with his auntie (the only sibling his mother has) and his father wasn't about to help him either. He was an able-bodied 19-year-old, but he still lacked guidance and support.
"Exactly," Mum said, now rocking Jennifer in her arms. She gave a small smile and nudged me. "You've helped me so much, Stace. Now it's time for you to help him."
So I did.
It took me a full two weeks to move out. The process was still hard, knowing that I was essentially leaving Mum behind to deal with a newborn on her own, but she kept encouraging me to leave. I guess she wanted what was best for me. In the beginning, I wasn't happy about moving to Manchester at all. Now was my chance to move back to London for good.
Javon was utterly shocked by my decision, but he immediately welcomed it. He even admitted he didn't like the idea of being by himself, not when he was used to his mum being around and keeping him company. It still pained him; they were incredibly close. When I initially moved in, things were amazing. It was hard to adjust to the idea at first: living with my boyfriend, cooking for him, shopping together and paying rent. I felt like we were finally a proper couple after months and months of separation. It didn't take long to adapt to the lifestyle of a 'housewife'.
I met up with both Rebecca and Nathan a couple of weeks later. We went out for drinks as they wanted to celebrate my return.
"It's good to have you back, Stace," Nathan had said, clinking his glass with mine.
"Now we can finally get waved." Rebecca gave a devilish smile before tipping my glass higher, making me chug down my vodka. "Drink up!"
It was a wild night. I remember asking them where Kayden was, but Rebecca said he was busy with his new job. I was glad things were finally working out for those two. They deserved nothing but the best as a couple.
Two months later I had found a job as a clinical social care worker with young children. It was always a dream job of mine, to give back to the community and help children that suffered in silence like I did. There was no way I would allow another child to feel alone and afraid in this world without having someone to lean on and support them. In that time, I began my driving lessons and aced the test on my first try.
I had nightmares. My mind was still plagued by him after all these months. There were times when I would wake up in a cold sweat with Javon clinging onto me, shushing me and whispering that everything will be alright. I usually never recall the dreams, but Javon has said multiple times that I shiver and chant things in my sleep. He still has no idea about David.
The nightmares became excessive. Every night I would avoid sleep, opting to read a book while Javon slept or watch a TV show until early hours of the morning; anything to keep myself awake and meeting David in my dreams. On one particular night, I dreamt that I went to visit Mum and Jennifer, but he was there, rocking Jen in his arms while he held a knife to Mum's throat. He would flash a dangerous smile and say in a chilling whisper, "You alright, Stace?"
So sleep became a huge issue for me. Javon quickly grew worried and would force me to take sleeping pills to ensure I had a decent kip. He still didn't know that I hid them in the side of the sofa or flushed them down the toilet whenever he wasn't looking. The dreams would become worse, so I had to travel up to Manchester again to spend some time with my family. I was relieved to see that Mum and Jen were alright, and Mum was still having her usual playdates with Liam. All was well, so I didn't stay as long as I needed to. Now I was back in London with Javon again.
"I have a surprise for you," Javon whispered, running his hands up and down my arms and smiling up at me lovingly.
I raised a brow, thinking it was something sexual. "Really? What is it this time?" I was expecting it to be yet another sex toy. Javon was seriously experimental in the bedroom.
He laughed when he noticed my expression. "Nothing like that, Stace. Let me show you."
I climbed off him and he got up. He padded over to his drawers and pulled out a white envelope. He came and sat beside me on the bed and handed it over. I analysed the envelope and turned it over to see if there was any address on it, but it was completely blank.
Javon laughed at my hesitancy. "Open it."
"Who's it from?"
"Just open it, babe."
I sighed and opened the flap to pull out the contents: two tickets and a brochure. My eyes widened and I looked closer. One ticket had the letters in bold: SERENITY RETREAT. The other ticket was for a flight to Lefkada, Greece. I flipped through the brochure and saw a program full of meditation exercises and activities. My mind was reeling, I couldn't make out what any of this meant. I quickly turned back to Javon.
"What is this?"
"A retreat," he said casually as if that was all I needed to know. "Read this part." He pointed to an introductory paragraph on the brochure and my eyes rapidly scanned the words.
"Serenity Retreat was set up by Zen Buddhist meditation teacher Kim Bennett. The retreat-style holiday takes place on the island of Lefkada in Greece and combines personal development courses with excursions, therapies, meditation sessions and guided walks. The courses are designed to nudge you into new ways of thinking about your life."
"You fly out next Tuesday," Javon whispered in my ear. My heart was racing. This was all happening so fast, I didn't even know how to react.
"You really didn't have to," I muttered, still in shock.
He pulled me closer to him and kissed my forehead. "Yes, I did. I can tell you haven't been yourself lately. I want to be able to help."
I looked over everything. The pictures, the tickets, the program, the brochure...I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed.
"You seriously bought me tickets to Greece?"
"Why wouldn't I? You deserve the best, Stace."
"But...what about—?"
"Don't worry about me," he said, cutting me off before I could ask. "You should have some alone time."
He was right. I needed some form of spiritual retreat. To be honest, this was something I was considering from before, but I was never going to get around to it. The fact that Javon researched a retreat, bought the tickets and surprised me like this just proved that he was an incredibly thoughtful and selfless person. My heart yearned for him even more now.
I clutched onto him and kissed him hard on the lips. He was stunned, and we both fell back on the bed, me on top of him again.
"Thank you," I whispered. "Thank you so much!"
He rubbed my back. "You're welcome, baby." Then he pulled back to look at me and his brows furrowed in worry. "Stace? What's wrong?"
I sniffed back the tears and quickly wiped my eyes. My emotions were all over the place. To think that Javon would go through this trouble, paying for this retreat and my plane tickets, sending me away for a week when he knew he couldn't even stand to be by himself; I was extremely grateful.
"You're so good to me," I whined into his chest. I had broken out into a sob now. My mind was completely scattered; I was so sensitive lately, and having Javon here to support me in such a big way had tipped my emotions over the edge.
He held me close and allowed me to cry. They were tears of happiness and relief, and he knew that. This was another thing Javon was good at; he always allowed me to express myself and always gave me time to calm down. He knew what it was like to cry uncontrollably; the day his mum passed away, he had completely broken down, and I was there to pick up the pieces. Maybe this was his way of paying me back. Either way, his actions really moved me.
"Don't worry about work, either. I spoke to Patricia."
I yanked my head away from his body with wide eyes. "How did you speak to my manager?"
He tapped his nose playfully and gave a sly smile. "She's given you a week off starting Tuesday."
My chest was literally caving in now. Was there anything Javon couldn't do?
"You're amazing," I whispered. My eyes were red and puffy, my throat was sore, and I'm pretty sure I had snot in my nose, but I wanted him more than ever. I kissed him again, this time more fierce; I wanted to convey my feelings and show my appreciation all at once through this act. I wanted Javon to know how I truly felt, but without words. There was only so much I could thank him.
He responded immediately, gripping my arms and then shifting on the mattress, pinning me down so that he was on top. He shuffled between my legs and looked down at me. Still, no words were spoken as we stared into each other's eyes. I could tell Javon was using emotion with his eyes alone, and I responded with a small smile. Then he leant down and gave me a soft kiss. It quickly grew heated and I wrapped my arms around his neck to pull him closer. He grunted and bit onto my bottom lip, grinding himself against me. Passion consumed us as we quickly undressed each other; the tickets and the envelope crumpling beneath us.
Hopefully, by the end of this retreat, after purging all of my sins and starting this journey to becoming a better person, I will thoroughly cleanse myself. My mind, body, and soul will be born anew. Very soon, all of the acts I've committed won't seem so Unforgivable.
End
- - - - - - - - -
We've finally reached the end of Stacey's story. It took me a while to decide on whether she should have a happy ending or not, but she'd been through so much so I had to allow her.
Thanks to everyone who supported this story! Whether you read, commented, voted or just quickly pree'd some chapters, it's greatly appreciated. Now that this is finished, I can move on to bigger and better stories!
Once again, thank you x