PRESENT
"So 200 thousand dollars?"
"Yup," I mumbled, continuing to walk with Clay, "They really thought they could buy mom and dad off."
Sighing, Clay shook his head, "I can't believe my mom even entertained that idea."
"She actually encouraged mom to not take the deal. She said she wouldn't rest until she knew the truth... if only my mom knew what that truth was."
Clay only nodded, the two of us finally arriving at the park where we sat down on the swings.
The silence fell upon us as Tony soon came along and finally, Clay spoke.
He spoke about Jeff, confessing to him what he had just confessed to Jeff's parents and me, feeling the sadness come upon me again.
I watched as Clay put in the next tape, already handing me one of the earbuds.
"It's your tape- Clay's, I mean."
Silence filled both the boys as I shrugged, "I guess it makes sense. If I ever made these kinds of things, Jeff would definitely be in it."
"Yeah but Jeff didn't do anything bad to you, did he?" Clay asked, making me slowly shake my head.
"No."
"And I did- to Hannah."
"Clay you can't just assume that."
"Why else would I be in it, Anna?!"
Cringing at his loudness, I watched as Clay let out a shaky breath, standing up.
The nerves were definitely eating him alive and I think a big part of that had to do with the fact that this was his tape.
We'd finally hear why my sister thought he was one of the reasons for her death.
And he wasn't letting that go so easily.
"Did I kill Hannah Baker?"
"Yeah," Tony mumbled sadly, "We all did."
Making his way over to the bench, I looked over at Tony who only nodded, the two of us getting up ourselves to follow him.
"How in the hell am I supposed to listen to this?" Clay mumbled, looking over at Tony who shrugged as he placed his bag down.
"I think the asshole answer is you put the headphones on, the cassette tape in, and you press play."
"That is the asshole answer, isn't it?" Clay chuckled slightly as I took a seat next to him with Tony on the other side.
"Yeah, but it's true."
Clay seemed lost in his thoughts before turning back to Tony, "I can't be here. I can't listen here. I need you to drive."
"Where do you want to go?"
"Just anywhere. Somewhere else."
Tony slowly nodded, the three of us standing up to make our way to his car.
"Do you think we could listen to it on Tony's radio?"
"Only if you two want," Tony told us, looking more towards Clay who slowly nodded.
"Yeah, that's fine for me." Clay mumbled, "It'd be easier anyway."
And so we listened to the tape, neither of us saying a word as Tony drove.
It didn't take long though before Clay stopped the tape, turning to look at us.
"Easy? Is she kidding me? I was shitting myself."
"I don't know Clay," I chuckled a bit, "I remember you looking so smooth, I was sure you finally built the courage to ask her out."
"Yeah, no," Clay sighed, "And honestly, she's not telling the truth about the way things happened."
"She's telling her truth," Tony answered which really didn't make sense to either of us as I laid down on the backseat.
I couldn't believe for a long time this is all Hannah's been hiding.
Sure, I knew some of it but the fact that she hid the rest from me, I felt horrible that I couldn't be there for her.
Maybe if I had known, maybe things would've turned out different. At least, that's what I had hoped.
Hearing Clay's phone ring, I sat up again and watched Clay as he spoke to his mom, for the first time wondering about my own and what she was up to.
Apparently, it was a lot if she even had Mrs. Jensen working late.
Once Clay hung up, he turned to me, "She didn't tell me anything about the case."
I slowly nodded, Clay looking forward while Tony began the tape again.
We all listened to Hannah's voice through the speakers, Tony and I thinking nothing of it but apparently, it had really gotten to Clay.
While Tony's heard these tapes before and I basically knew of Clay and Hannah's adventure that night for the most part, it hurt Clay hearing it again and he just wanted to get out.
"What does she say next? I mean, does she say what she did? Does she say why?"
"She does," Tony mumbles, Clay sighing as he shook his head.
"So, Justin, Zach, Alex, they all heard this? And Ryan and Tyler? "
"Of course."
"I'm just like everyone else- I need to throw up."
"Oh dear god. Please don't! I'm a sympathy vomiter!"
Clay turned briefly to glare at me before opening the window, making me realize just how serious he was being.
Placing a hand on his shoulder, I rubbed it slightly, "Clay you're not like everyone else. You could never be you just- you need to calm down."
Clay only shook his head though, continuing to say he needed to throw up which had Tony roll his eyes, "You need some food."
"So I can throw it up?"
"So you can settle the fuck down. My mother used to say: 'Primero comemos, entonces lo demas.' That means, first we eat, then we do everything else."
"I already love her," I smiled, Tony smiling in return but this time Clay rolled his eyes.
And he wasn't happy the whole way to Monet's or even when we sat down and all ordered.
Even Skye noticed how weird he was being, Tony quick to mention something about her but my eyes wandered off to the spot.
Our spot- mine and Jeff's which was accompanied by Hannah's spot with her friends not too far away.
"Annabelle, tell Clay to stop acting like a child and eat," Tony complained, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"Listen to your father, mijo."
Tony smiled proudly, "You still remember those Spanish lessons?"
"Well duh, you were my teacher."
Tony only smiled more, Clay rolling his eyes for what felt like the hundredth time, "You two are the worst."
"No. We're just trying to help you to be in the right headspace."
"How can I be in the right headspace to find out why I caused a girl to kill herself?"
That definitely caused both Tony and I to fall silent, only looking at Clay when Skye returned with his water.
While they talked amongst themselves, I ate, thinking nothing of Skye and Clay's little banter until things got interesting.
"La bruja," Tony teased, Skye smirking in return as she nodded.
"That's right. I got my cards here if you want a reading."
Looking over at Clay, he was quick to shake his head, "I'm good."
But Skye was persistent. It was like she knew what to say, "Maybe there's even a message from beyond."
"What are you saying?"
"Take a reading and you'll find out."
Finally, Clay agreed, "Alright."
"I'm next!" I called out, Tony looking at us both wide-eyed.
"Seriously?"
"Don't mock what you don't know," Skye teased but this time Tony gave her a look.
"I am Catholic. I know all about this mystical bullshit."
While Clay went with Skye to do his reading, I continued eating when I noticed Tony looking at me weirdly.
"What?"
"I um... are you okay? How are you doing?"
"Well, I'd be lying if I said I was okay. I don't think I'll ever be, really."
"Yeah... I just wanted to formally apologize though for... for not telling you. You didn't deserve that- for us to keep what we knew from you."
"You're damn right I didn't," I mumbled, my eyes scanning over to Clay who had just started to split the cards.
"You don't have any... questions do you?"
"So many... but I guess the main one would be... did anyone try to tell me? About Jeff and Sheri or the tapes for that matter?"
"Yeah. I wanted to the second I heard the tapes, Alex wanted to... Zach."
"But never Sheri?"
"She didn't want to lose you, or even Clay. You're her best friend and Clay... well you know."
"Of course I know but still- that changes nothing. She kept that from me. She's the reason Jeff... she even left Hannah there all alone goddammit! How am I ever supposed to forgive her?"
"I can't tell you that. No one can. Only you'll know when the time comes."
"I don't know, cause it's looking like it'll never come."
Tony slowly nodded, "Well that's completely up to you."
I nodded taking in his words when I noticed he was still looking at me weirdly, "What else do you want to talk about?"
"I- nothing... okay I guess I'm just wondering about you and your parents."
"Oh god. Clay told you?"
"Yeah. But in his defense, I made him tell me. And Anna, I don't want you upset with them. I know I can't possibly understand how you feel but I know your parents are mourning and-"
"And? I'm mourning too Tony! But I didn't push them away like they did me. It's like- it's like when Hannah died they flipped the switch and became the world's worst parents ever."
"Okay, they're not the world's worst parents. I think it's just hard for them- dealing with Hannah's death and her case all while taking care of you. They may not be doing their best now but I'm sure they love you the same and in no time will fix things-"
Seeing Clay storm off, we were both quick to get out of our seats, chasing after Clay and making it to the car where he looked angry.
"I mean, what a what a bitch!"
"What the hell Clay?" I complained but he rolled his eyes.
"Well, she is!"
"I never heard you use that word before."
"She doesn't know what was going on in Hannah's life."
"You don't know what's going on in hers," Tony argued but Clay scoffed.
"Would you- you know, shut up, Tony? I get so sick of your little sayings, and things you point out, acting all wise. You're like this unhelpful Yoda."
"Is that a crack on my height?" I couldn't help but laugh, much to Clay's dismay who tried to get out but Tony wouldn't let him.
Instead, he continued driving, in complete silence this time, before we ended up god knows where really but Tony thought it would be the best place for Clay.
Stopping the car, Tony turned to Clay, "Now I'll let you out."
Clay shook his head though, "It's fine in here."
He slowly nodded, "Okay. I'll be right here if you need me."
Seeing Tony leave the car, I now looked at Clay, "Should I go too?"
"No." Clay quickly answered, turning to me, "I need you."
Nodding, I reached over to hold his hand, watching him as he took a deep breath, starting the tape again.
We listened quietly but with each word Hannah said, the more Clay let go of my hand.
I didn't blame him.
"Clay, Helmet, your name does not belong on this list. But you need to be here if I'm going to tell my story. If I'm going to explain why I did what I did. Because you aren't every other guy. You're different. You're good and kind and decent. And I didn't deserve to be with someone like you."
Oh god. Hannah, please don't.
Looking over at Clay, his face said it all, he was destroyed.
And her next words weren't comforting either.
"I never would. I would have ruined you. It wasn't you. It was me and everything that's happened to me."
"Goddamnit!" Clay yelled, leaving his car in a fury as I sat there frozen, unsure of what to do.
The tape soon stopped playing as I watched Clay yell at Tony but when he started getting closer to the edge, I knew I had to get out.
"I left! I knew I shouldn't have left. And then Bryce raped Jessica. Hannah saw, then Sheri knocked down the stop sign, then Jeff died, and it all started with me!"
Hearing that, I couldn't find my voice to speak, my emotions running wild at what was being said.
"Clay. I think you gotta get back from that edge."
"Why? Why shouldn't I just jump, just let go?"
"So you can die? Reunite with Hannah forever?"
"Fuck you, Tony," Clay spat, before looking over at me, "I'm sorry. I ruined everything. I- I killed Hannah and Jeff and-"
"Oh shut up! You didn't kill them, Clay. Hannah killed herself."
"Well, she wouldn't have if I stayed with her. I should have stayed with Hannah."
"She told you to go. She didn't want you there, she made that decision all on her own."
"Yeah? Well, I should've stayed! I should've told her..."
"What? You think you could have changed any of this?" Tony asked now, obviously fed up but Clay shook his head.
"I could have said I'm not going."
"She said, get the hell out of here."
"No. No, I won't go."
I watched back and forth as Tony and Clay yelled at each other, Clay seeming to black out a bit before finally backing up from the edge.
"I couldn't tell her. I couldn't hold her. I killed Hannah Baker. Like you said."
"I said we all killed Hannah," Tony corrected but Clay sighed as he now stood in front of us.
"How am I supposed to live with that?"
"Any way you can."
The drive back home was a silent one and when I finally got out from the backseat, I turned to look at Clay, "It's not your fault. Hannah or Jeff's death. I don't blame you, Clay, I never will."
"Okay... well if I can't blame myself for killing her, you can't be angry with her."
"Me? Angry? No way."
"Seriously," Clay mumbled, "You can't be angry with her. Not for Jeff, for not going to you and for leaving you alone."
"She did though," I mumbled, looking down at my hands, "My whole life I've been there for her and she couldn't even be bothered to be there for me the one time I needed her the most... I should go. Keep me updated if anything?"
"Yeah," Clay sighed, "I'll bring you the next tape tomorrow."
Agreeing, I said my final goodbyes before entering the house, going to go into my room when I stopped, seeing mom and dad standing there with a piece of paper.
"What's going on?"
"Annabelle. What the hell is this?"
Confused, I made my way over to them, only stopping when I saw that it had a bunch of names on it.
The names the tapes were addressed to.
Hannah's list of people she had blamed for her death.
And while I knew most of the names would be there, I was surprised to see my name there, along with others that were crossed out.
What the hell?
written: may 7, 2017
*** officially up to date!! 😬