Yuri was rudely awoken at 6am by a nurse throwing open the door and calling out that it was weigh-in time. He groaned and pulled himself out of bed, awaiting a dizzy sensation that never came. He could tell before he'd even dragged himself from his bed that it was going to be an exhausting day. He didn't know what he was supposed to do so he followed everyone else's lead, following them outside into the hallway and downstairs to sit in the corridor where the medical room was. Already a girl was coming out, bleary-eyed and yawning. The line of people slowly dwindled and soon it was Yuri's turn to go in. He squinted his eyes at the bright light and rubbed them to remove the sleep.
'Hi Yuri, how are you feeling this morning?' It was Nurse Scott, her expression cheerful enough that it was clearly fake at 6:43am.
'Fine,' He mumbled, his eyes drooping shut as she took his weight again and all the other things she needed to measure.
'No nausea?'
'Umm, a little bit but that's normal.'
'Coughing?'
'No more than usual.'
'You cough a lot?'
'Not really, I-'
'You have to tell me the truth, sweetheart.'
'Well, the hospital dealt with it. The lining of my throat-'
'Worn away? Yep. Okay, what about stomach ache?'
'No.'
'Then it looks like we're about done here. You can go.'
'Uhh, thanks,' He walked back into the corridor, where he was accosted by Cassie. He didn't recognise her at first- she blurred into the rest of the similar faces in his sleepless mind.
'Your friend messaged you back,' She patted him on the shoulder. 'I didn't read it, but he must have sent you his number. We can skive group therapy and go into the garden later so you can call him.'
'Oh, thanks,' He dropped his gaze and bit his lip, an excited fluttery feeling starting up in his stomach. 'Yeah, that sounds cool.'
'Sweet. You coming to breakfast?'
'I have this little guy,' He gestured to the tube poking out of his nose. 'No breakfast for me.'
'But you'll sit with us?'
'Oh, sure,' He'd forgotten what it was like to be in a group unit of people. He'd been at school just days ago and already he was missing that dynamic.
Surprisingly, nobody seemed hugely bothered over breakfast. He couldn't imagine a future in which he was as nonplussed eating something so basic as a bowl of cereal as some of the girls at the table were. They were more concentrated on talking about the telenovela they'd been watching together the day before than the food they were eating. Was it really possible? To be so okay with it even when they had- or did have- an eating disorder? The thoughts overwhelmed him so much at times it consumed his every waking moment and their prominence was hard to fathom at times, so the idea of them not being there was impossible. They had probably wanted recovery. They were girls, anyway. There were more procedures in place to help them right from the start. He'd seen so many posters up round his school about girls loving their bodies- and yeah, that was super important because they were taught to hate it with vehemence by almost everything that surrounded them- but never one for boys.
'Ellie, roll your sleeves down,' A nurse called across the room and the girl in question pulled a face, rolling her sleeves down. As he looked around he noticed everybody else had done the same.
'What's with the sleeves?' He frowned, leaning over to Cassie.
'We're very good at sneaking food out- a lot of girls slip food down their sleeves.'
'That's... Worrying.'
'Yeah, well. Makes you do stupid things, doesn't it?'
'Yeah,' He sighed. 'It really does.'
Otabek was going insane. He knew that he wasn't the only person who had noticed- his parents, who were distant at best most of the time, had been worrying over him nonstop. His mother, for one, had been pressuring him to go out and see his friends, even going so far as to call Rafael to suggest he come over. He was waiting for him now, his head leaning against his bedroom window and his eyes half closed. He just didn't want to talk to anybody for a few days; he was too busy thinking about Yuri. He'd been thinking about what he should have done, everything he could have done, to help him. He'd failed. How the hell had he failed so badly? To make matters worse, he'd practically thrown him into the hospital himself. He should never have taken him to that stupid party or let him drink at all. He should have made him eat and not ignored the times when he got away with it just because he was too afraid to say anything in case Yuri got upset. This was the first time he'd failed to help somebody and it was getting him down like mad. The thing that had worried him most was the silence- he'd heard nothing from either Yuri or his mother, who he'd tracked down on Facebook and messaged to ask how he was doing. No reply, but then he wasn't sure what he'd expected. He had taken her sixteen year old son to a crazy party, after all, and he had let him get out of hand enough to need his stomach pumping. In just a few days his life had plunged into a dark mess of confusion and isolation. Usually when he was upset he delved into the lives of other people and busied himself with making others happy, but now all he wanted to do was hide away in his room. At least Yuri had messaged him from some random girl's Facebook to ask for his number. He'd replied as soon as he'd seen it and hadn't put his phone away since, permanently waiting for him to call.
He was dreading Rafael's visit, but he could understand that his friends would be getting worried about him since he'd been brushing them off a lot lately. Also, they'd left things a little awkwardly the last time they'd seen each other. When Rafael did arrive, he was oddly soft-spoken and gentle compared to his typical outgoing and unreserved nature.
'Hey buddy,' He squeezed Otabek's shoulder gently to let him know he'd arrived, but Otabek still jumped.
'Oh, hi,' He stood up. Why couldn't he just dive straight into conversation like they always did?
'No offence, but you look a little shit.'
'Well, it's been a rough few.'
'I get it. How is Yuri, by the way?'
'Hospital.'
'Still? Was it that bad?'
'No, like hospitalisation. He's gone to a recovery clinic for- I don't know how long. I don't know anything. He's going to try to call me, but they're not allowed phones.'
'Crap! Are you okay?' Rafael stared into his eyes searchingly, concerned etched into his brow.
'What do you think?' Otabek rubbed the back of his neck. 'I'm out of my mind with worry.'
'But he'll be alright, yeah?'
'I don't know. It's so frustrating to not know how he is, or even where he is!'
'I'm sure he-'
Otabek suddenly felt his phone begin to vibrate. The number was withheld but he had a pretty good idea of who it might be. He held his hand up to Rafael to indicate that he needed a moment of privacy, and Rafael graciously left him in peace.
'Hello?' He answered the phone, his fingers tightening around it as he subconsciously prayed to hear one specific voice.
'Hey,' Yuri breathed, and Otabek could hear the smile in his voice. Hearing him made his heart do stupid tricks in his chest and he was genuinely worried that he might snap his phone in half with the way he was gripping it.
'Yuri?'
'Yeah. It's good to hear your voice.'
'It's good to hear yours too,' Otabek bit his lip to stop himself from grinning like an idiot. There was a moment of silence, but not an uncomfortable one- more like they were taking a moment to recompose themselves.
'How are things holding up in Fort Knox?' Otabek teased.
'It's awful. I mean, it's not awful. The people are nice, the staff are fine, the place is pretty. I just hate what I'm here for.'
'Understandable. You do realise that you need to be there though, don't you?'
'I don't know... Maybe.'
'Yuri, you need to get better and this is going to help you.'
'Sure. I have a feeding tube, actually. I look like something out of Doctor Who.'
'Wait, do they put your food in a blender and pour it down?'
'Uhh, not exactly. There's these little cans of formula they give me.'
'That sounds gross.'
'I can't taste it, but it's horrible all the same. I actually think it's worse that I can't taste it because I don't even feel like I've eaten but I'm full.'
'Is it helping?'
'It's been one day. We'll see.'
'How long are you there for?'
'Two months. I think I'm going to go insane.'
Otabek whistled; two months was a long time for a sixteen year old. Definitely enough time to grow apart and forget each other, but he was determined not to let that happen.
'Can I come visit you?'
'Really? You'd really want to?'
'Of course I would, stupid! Where is it?'
'It's the Eastwick Clinic in Scotland. I think you can visit next weekend- it's only weekends and I can't have visitors in the first week.'
'I'll be there. I promise.'
'Really?'
'Yes. Just try to get through the next two weeks, okay?'
After Yuri had called Otabek he felt miles better. He managed to stay same for the rest of the day, even during the tube feeding. The next morning, however, things proved a little too much when he visited the nurse for his morning weigh-in. She went through the checks he'd come to expect, asked the same questions, checked his tube. After everything was done and she was sure he was doing okay with the tube she pulled out a little pot. He could see from where he was sat that it was medication.
'Right, the hospital sent these forward,' She opened the pot up and tipped out a pill.
'What are they?' He chewed his lip, staring at the pill with trepidation.
'Antidepressants,' She handed it to him with a little paper cup of water. 'Very strong ones.'
'What?' He widened his eyes, not making a move to take it. 'I'm not depressed, though.'
'Prescribed by a doctor.'
'I'm not-'
'Take it, Yuri,' She instructed, staring him down until he hesitantly placed it in his mouth and swallowed it down with a gulp of water, wincing as it caught in his throat for a second. 'You may feel some tiredness, but that's normal. If you start to feel more depressed, you need to tell somebody straight away. Other things that could happen are...' She rattled on about the possible side effects and it sent his head reeling. He couldn't understand why he'd been prescribed these- he wasn't depressed. He knew he wasn't depressed. He didn't get sad, he just hated his body. It was different. The only way to make him happy was to let him starve himself, not shut him up by lodging pills in his throat and injecting food straight into his stomach. Within half an hour he began to feel tired, and this was the point where he knew he had to rage against everything this stupid clinic was attempting to do for him. They were getting it all wrong! As he watched everybody eat breakfast he realised they weren't happy to do it, they were just well-trained and saw no other choice. It had been drummed into them time and time again that if they didn't eat it they'd be tubed and they were terrified of tubing. He couldn't allow himself to become brainless like that; he had to deny all treatment and use every trick he could think of and scrounge from the other girls to avoid gaining any weight. Not even maintaining was an option. This clinic was just a bump in his road to his goal weight, one storm that he could surely weather after all the other obstacles he'd faced. He couldn't let it stop him from getting where he wanted- needed- to get to. He swilled the water round in his cup before he drank it, deciding that once his tube was out water would be the only thing hitting his stomach. He knew Otabek would be disappointed- he'd sounded worried earlier. He felt hugely guilty for causing him that stress, but he wouldn't be pressured into ruining all his progress that he'd worked so hard for. He'd risked so much for it that giving up on his dreams would be ridiculous at this point. It was giving him something to work towards. It'd hurt his mother as well... He knew what he was doing to himself was destroying her. He wouldn't be getting any 'good son' awards. All he'd done in life was let her down. Maybe if he died she'd be relieved of the immense strain that he had placed upon her. When had he become so messed up that he wouldn't care if he died if he could just be thin? He didn't even know when it had all begun. All the stories he'd heard about it had featured points where it had kicked off and the vicious thoughts had initially kicked in. He couldn't quite recall when they had started, but they were so present in his life now that he couldn't remember clearly a time when they hadn't been there. It was insane to think that he had ever been casual- cheerful even- about eating and gaining weight. He'd been able to sit down with his friends and not have to hide a panic attack because of something so simple as an apple. His birthdays hadn't been ruined because he'd started crying when his mum had tried to give him some of his birthday cake that she'd spent so many hours eating. He'd been able to go out with friends and not be clouded over by thoughts of how he could avoid eating to the point that he didn't hear a word they said. He'd woken up in the morning feeling full from a huge dinner but still able to cram in more food for breakfast. He knew now that if he ever ate like that again his metabolism had changed so much that he'd become the size of a house within just days. He didn't know how accurate his ideas about weight gain and how much he'd gain from eating however many calories were, but this was how he saw it. Food was bad. That was all there was to it. He'd convinced himself that it was the worst thing and threatened his very existence, and it wasn't as if that was ever going to change. He may as well just keep going until he died. That was the only thing that could put a stop to the heartache.
Otabek had been hoping and praying that by some miraculous circumstance, Yuri would be looking better when he saw him two weeks later at visitation. He was furious to see that he looked worse than before; he looked like an animate skeleton as he took a seat across from him in the dining room that had temporarily become the visitation room. No nasogastric tube, he noted. Why had they taken it out? He clearly wasn't getting enough nutrients. Hadn't they noticed the state of him? All these thoughts and more were parading through his mind when he stood up to pull Yuri into the tightest hug he could bear without snapping him.
'God, I've missed you,' He murmured as he let him go. 'Do we have to stay in here?'
'Yeah,' Yuri was barely audible, and Otabek felt cold dread set in his stomach as they sat down.
'How's treatment going?'
'Really good,' There was something reserved about his tone and his eyes were lifeless, as if the words he was saying were just a front. It was obvious enough that they were anyway; his drastically worse condition proved this. How could he be losing weight in a recovery clinic?
'I'm glad,' He didn't mention it just yet, because he'd rather talk about it when they were alone- he didn't know when this would next be, though. 'Has your mum visited yet?'
'Tomorrow.'
Otabek was taken aback by his lethargic attitude. This was nothing like the Yuri he knew- where was the nervous energy, the brightly shining eyes? He seemed to be sleepwalking or something.
'Are you tired?'
'Not really.'
'What time do you wake up?'
'Six.'
Otabek sighed and raised his eyes to the heavens. What was going on?
'Is something up?' He leaned forwards and laced his fingers through Yuri's.
'No,' Yuri slowly pulled his hand away, his eyes drifting to the floor.
'You seem... Different.'
'New meds. They make me tired.'
'I can tell,' Otabek's heart ached to see him looking like this. It seemed as if the place may have broken his spirits, but if they had then surely he'd be looking better than when he'd been admitted. He was actually angry that they weren't taking care of him and wanted nothing more than to storm up to one of the nurses on duty and demand to know why Yuri wasn't happy yet. Obviously it was overambitious to expect him to be fully cured already, but he could always dream. He was tempted to sneak him out and drag him home so that he could do something- anything- that might help more than this place. It felt like they were fighting a losing battle with his anorexia and they'd just lost half a mile of whatever progress he'd deluded himself into thinking they'd made. Yuri was just beginning to wall himself off and block everybody out, which was so dangerous with the way he was now. Getting through to him when he came out was going to be nigh impossible.
'Are you sure everything's going okay?' Otabek gripped at his hand again, refusing to let go this time.
'Yes,' Yuri refused to meet his eyes. 'Great.'
'Good. Okay,' He couldn't think of anything else to say. 'I- I should go.'
'Okay.'
'Bye, then. I'll try and visit again, okay?'
Yuri made a short noise that sounded mildly affirmative and Otabek patted him on the shoulder before walking away, holding his breath so he didn't cry when he felt how terrifyingly protrudent the bone was. He couldn't help but feel like Yuri didn't have much time left.