Allie
Mabilis akong naghilamos sa harap ng salamin habang pinipilit na habulin ang sarili kong hininga. I chapped on my now pale lips and shook my head in my own silliness. Sino ba naman ang loka-loka na biglang baba ng kotse ng boyfriend niya para tumakbo papunta ng restroom?
Ako lang.
It’s a good thing na walang tao sa restroom na ‘to. Kung hindi ay baka kanina pa ako pinagtitinginan o di kaya ay iniismiran. I jumped a little when a knock blared on the restroom’s door.
“Babe, nandiyan ka ba?” I heard Dom’s muffled voice from the outside at inangat ko naman agad ang ulo ko para tingnan ang pinto.
“Yeah.”
“Are you alone?”
“Oo.” sagot ko ulit dito. Ilang segundo ay bumukas rin ang pinto sa girl’s restroom at hindi nagdalawang isip na pumasok sa loob si Dominic. He looked really worried and all of the sudden, gusto ko ulit umiyak. I’ve been crying this past few days and it’s not healthy.
“Bakit ka tumakbo?” lumapit sa akin si Dominic. Kinuha niya ang sarili niyang panyo sa bulsa niya para punasan ang basang mukha ko. I pouted.
“Naiihi na kasi ako.” Dominic chuckled at me.
“Dapat sinabi mo, edi sana binilisan ko ang pagpapatakbo.”
“Traffic kaya. Would you rather I peed in your car if ever?”
“I’d rather see you do anything than see you running away from me. You really caught me off guard Allie.” tinaasan ako ng kilay ni Dominic at ngumisi nalang ako dito.
“Sorry.” I sheepishly cooed, wrapping my arms around his body and burying my face on his neck.
“Don’t do it again.” he scolded.
“Run for my bladder’s sake?”
“No, run away from me again. It was scary. It’s enough that you said you’ll be breaking up with me.”
“I didn’t say that. I just said it in a hypothetical form.”
“You still brought it up. And you won’t bring it up unless you’ve been thinking about it. You can’t break up with me Allie. Nakatali ka na sa akin habang buhay.” biglang namula ang pisngi ko sa sinabi ni Dominic.
“No I’m not.” I stubbornly answered.
“Edi ako ang nakatali sa’yo habang buhay. You won’t get rid of me. Ever.” he sternly said at unti-unti naman lumabas ang isang mapait na ngiti mula sa labi ko.
“Ever? Eh ngayon palang sawa na ako sa pagmumukha mo.” I kid and he proudly grinned.
“Masanay ka na. Ten years from now, itong mukhang ito ang palagi mong makikita sa gabi at umaga.”
“Ten years?” I laughed. “Confident much.”
“No. I love you that much.” I bit my lip and blinked back the tears forming in my eyes again. Ngumiti ako kay Dominic, placing my hands on his cheeks and tiptoed just to kiss him on the lips. It was gentle, like how I usually kiss him. I felt Dominic’s lips form into a smile against my lips. He snaked his arm to my waist and pulled my closer to deepen the kiss.I stopped from kissing him back when I heard someone choke at the side.
Natulak ko agad si Dominic palayo at nagulat ako nang may makita akong babae na nakatingin sa amin at mukhang gulat na gulat sa nakita niya. Bigla akong namula sa nahiya at mahinang tumawa nalang si Dominic.
“Okay ka na ba?” tanong niya sa akin.
Umiling-iling ako.“Mauna ka na sa room mo. Mag-aayos pa ako.” he nodded before placing a kiss on my cheek and leaving the restroom like nothing happened at all. He wasn’t even bothered na may nakakita sa amin na naghahalikan sa loob ng banyo ng babae.
Hindi ako mahilig magmake up, pero minsan–kinakailangan ko mag-apply lalo na pag namumutla akong tingnan. Wala naman akong natural glow all the time kaya kailangan ko rin gumamit ng blush on at lipgloss. Bukod sa dalawang iyon, wala na akong ginagamit na kolorete sa mukha.
Pagkatapos mag-ayos ay lumabas nalang rin ako ng banyo ng hindi nagsasalita.
On the way na ako sa unang klase ko for today. Papasok palang ako ng room ay nakita ko na si Arron sa kabilang way. Nakita niya rin ako pero katulad ng ginagawa niya dati, hindi niya ako pinansin. It had been exactly–two days since we first and last talked.
Nung una ay kinakabahan pa ako na magpakita sa kanya at pinoproblema kung paano siya dededmahin pero hindi na pala kailangan pag-isipan dahil siya na mismo ang gumagawa ng paraan para hindi magtagpo ang landas naming dalawa.
Not that it concerned me.
Hindi kaya ako bothered.
Medyo lang.
Umiling-iling ako, snapping myself from my own bizarre thoughts.
Pagkatingin ko sa harapan ko, wala na si Arron. Siguro nakapasok na siya sa loob ng room. Siguro mukha rin akong tanga na nakatulala habang papalapit siya. Damn.
Naalala ko tuloy yung isang araw na nakita niya akong umiiyak sa isang secluded area. Sobrang nagulat ako nang bigla siyang sumulpot kaya agad ko namang pinunasan ang mga luha sa mukha ko. Wala naman siya sinasabi sakin, hindi niya rin ako kinausap. It was like the other day never happened at all.
Tinitigan ko ang pinto at napasimangot dahil parang biglang may bumubulong sa utak ko na wag nalang akong pumasok.Naalala ko ang nangyari kanina sa banyo at pakiramdam ko, bigla nalang akong namutla. Hindi ko talaga alam kung kailan pa magpapatuloy ito. Habang pinapatagal ko ‘to, mas lalo lang akong nahihirapan.
“Miss De Guzman, anong tinatayo mo d’yan?” napaangat ang tingin ko at nakita ko ang professor namin na kasalukuyang nakataas ang kilay sa akin. Bigla namang nandilat ang mata ko at pilit na ngumiti nalang ako bago nagmadaling pumasok ng classroom.
Nahagip si Arron ng mata ko bago ako umupo. Halos umikot ulit ang tiyan ko ng makita ko siyang nakatingin sa akin. I quickly averted my eyes and did everthing that I can para hindi tumingin sa kinapupwestohan niya. I bit my lip and took a deep breathe in before staring flatly at the white board.
Palagi naman ako ganito nitong nakaraang mga araw simula nang mapag-isipan ko na makipaghiwalay kay Dominic. I was too busy thinking to even pay attention to our professors. Pwede na ngang gawin pangleche flan yung score ko sa quizzes dahil hindi naman ako nag-aaral para doon. Tapos na kaming mag exam sa subject na ito kaya paniguradong ipapamigay na ang tests. Hindi na ako umaasa na magiging mataas ang score ko kahit na sabihin na sabay pa kaming magreview ni Dominic. Siya lang naman yung nagrereview sa aming dalawa. Wala akong ginawa buong maghapon everytime na mag-aaral kami kundi ang titigan ang mukha niya, checking if I could memorize it.I sighed again.
Maybe I should just tell him today. I can’t keep this any longer. It’s eating me alive.
Last class ko na at fortunately, may forty minutes vacant time si Dominic kaya inaya niya akong kumain ng meryenda. Pumayag naman ako. Pinili namin sa lover’s lane kumain. Students called it lover’s lane dahil kadalasan ng pumupunta dito ay mga couples na gusto ng alone time. Kakaunti lang ang pumupunta doon. Tahimik at sobrang secluded kaya mayroong privacy.
At tsaka, kapag mayroong taong nasa parang pavilion ay hindi na tumutuloy ang iba.
Para itong park na may mga iilang puno na magkakalayo at mga cemented tables. Nasa pinakalikod na part ang pavilion kaya maganda rin siyang spot. A perfect setting for confessing your feelings, asking someone out… and breaking-up.
“Kanina ka pa tahimik babe, may problema ba?” tinanggap ko ang Tropicana juice na inabot sa akin ni Dominic pero hindi ko iyon ininom. Sa katunayan nga, tinitigan ko lang ito.
“Allie.” tawag ulit ni Dominic.
“Dom.” this time, tiningnan ko na siya ng deretso sa mata.
“Hm?” Dominic stared back at me and I felt my own heart melting. Bumalik sa utak ko kung paano ko unang nakilala si Dominic. Freshmen pa kaming dalawa noon.
Obviously, it was two years ago.
I just got out of the restroom and on my way to class when I felt someone following me. Naailang na nilingon ko pa siya dahil sobrang dikit at lapit niya sa akin samantalang ang lawak-lawak ng daan. I was immediately flustered kaya tinanong ko siya in a nice way kung sinusundan niya ba ako. Naalala ko pa kung paano namula ang mukha ni Dominic noon. He looked at the back and I was surprised when he grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed my back to the wall. Akala ko talaga hahalikan niya ako that time pero bigla lang sinabi ang mga katagang: “Miss, may tagos."
I’ve never been that embarrassed in my whole life. Tinulungan niya ako na maglakad all the way papuntang car park. He even advised to hold my shoulder bag sa likod ko and I gladly did what he said dahil wala naman na akong other choice. He offered to drive me home and he left without asking each other’s name. Hindi ko inaakala na magkikita kami ulit. Malaki ang campus at sa ibang college pa siya kaya malabo talaga ang possibility na magtagpo ang landas namin.
But he made his way to me.
One day, he came out of nowhere and asked if he could court me.Naramdaman ko nanaman ang pag-uumpisa ng pagpilit ng puso ko sa mga bagay na naalala ko kaya mabilis ko yon na dinismiss.
“D-Dom. I’m really sorry.” tumulo ang luha ko. “But we need to break up. Wag mo na akong tanungin kung bakit–basta, wala kang kasalanan. This is all on me. I’m really sorry Dominic. Please let me go.” humihikbi kong tinapos ang na-jumble na speech ko. Sa hinaba-haba ng kinabisa kong break-up dialogue, yun lang ang lumabas sa bibig ko. But it was heartfelt. Tumatagos sa puso ang bawat salita na sinabi ko. I waited for some seconds for Dominic’s reaction. Hindi ko siya tiningnan at yumuko nalang dahil hindi ko alam if I can handle seeing him get hurt with my words.
“W-What?” I heard his voice croaked.
Please don’t cry.
Please don’t cry.
“I’m sorry.”
“How can you tell me not to ask why you’re breaking up with me? Don’t I deserve to know?” umiling-iling ako at pinahiran ang sariling luha na tumutulo mula sa pisngi ko. “Don’t I deserve to know where it went wrong?”
“Sorry, Dominic.” I sobbed. Inaangat ko ang mukha ko at nakita na umiiyak narin si Dominic sa aking harapan. Every tear that falls down to his face, katumbas ng pagtusok ng basag na bote sa puso ko. It hurts that much to see him cry.
“No.” umiling-iling si Dominic sa akin.
“We’re not breaking up.” hinawakan niya ang magkabilang mukha ko at pinunasan ang mga luha na tumutulo dito.“We’re not going to break up. We’re going to fix this. I can fix whatever this is. Don’t break up with me Allie.”
“I’m sorry, Dominic.”
“I love you Allie.” pumiyok ang boses niya at napakagat naman ako sa labi ko.
“Sorry.”
“Babe.” I heard him say at napailing-iling ako.
“Babe!” biglang nandilat ang mga mata ko. I blinked a few times before realizing that Dom’s in front of me. This time though, wala siyang kahit anong luha mula sa mga mata niya. I touched his cheek without asking for his permission pero hindi naman ito basa. Nagmamadaling hinawakan ko ang sarili kong mukha ngunit tuyo rin ito hindi katulad ng–
“Hey.” Dom chuckled. “You spaced out for a long time. Are you okay?” kumunot naman ang anoo ko.
“Huh?” he grinned at me and pinched my nose.
Imagination ko lang yung kanina?
“I brought pizza and your favorite, Tropicana juice. I’m sorry kung medyo nahuli ako. Natagalan kasi yung pizza.” nakasimangot sa akin si Dominic. I know he’s afraid that I was disappointed kaya ngumiti ako to assure him that it’s okay.I placed my hand on his cheek, tapping it lightly.
“It’s no big deal, Dom.” he turned his head to kiss my palm at tumatawang inalis ko ang kamay ko sa mukha niya.
“So, can I confidently guess that you’re daydreaming about me?” unti-unting nawala ang bakas ng ngiti sa mukha ko. Nakatingin lang sa akin si Dominic pero maya-maya’y bigla rin siyang tumawa.
“You’re too serious, babe. Live a little.” mas nandilat namana ng mga mata ko sa sinabi ni Dominic sa akin. I’ve heard it before. From someone whose name starts with the letter A. Bigla nanaman umikot ang tiyan ko kaya boluntaryo na napahawak ako dito.
“What?”I looked at Dominic.
“Ha?”
“Bakit mo hinawakan yung tiyan mo?”
My lips parted at nag-isip naman ako ng pwedeng isagot. “A-Ah! Bigla kasing tumunog. Hindi mo narinig?”
“Hindi. Pero naririnig ko ang pagpaparinig mo sa akin. Tara na, kain na tayo. Sabihin mo, ginugutom pa kita.” kinuha ni Dominic ang pizza at matapos ay binuksan yon. Sinubukan ko nalang ulit ngumiti para sakanya and fortunately, I managed to fake it perfectly.
As soon as we started eating, tinatanong ako ni Dominic tungkol sa exam. Kinuwento niya na matataas ang results ng midterm exams niya. I told him I was proud of him and apologized dahil unlike him, medyo naglandslide ang grades ko. Passing naman ang scores ko, flat eighty nga lang yung iba but it was better than failing. I was just so preoccupied this past week kaya napabayaan ko yung pag-aaral ko but I didn’t tell him na preoccupied ako.
Telling him that means him asking what’s the matter and until now, I’m not ready to tell him that I’m breaking up with him. I just can’t bring myself to make my imagination come to life. Imagining Dominic, crying, and begging me not to break up with him really pained me. But I need to do this. He’ll only hurt more if we’ll pursure a relationship that was bound to destruct its own. Our relationship was doomed and it’s my fault.
I’m not good enough for him. I don’t deserve someone like him.
And I think I finally have the answer to Frannie’s question: Why would you let someone like Dominic Chua go?
Because I’m unworthy of him and he deserves better.
“Five minutes nalang, next class ko na so I should be going.” tumingin siya sa orasan, like he was checking kung tama ang time estimation niya.
“Bye bye.” I waved my hand and he groaned at me.
“Ayaw ko pang umalis.” natawa naman ako sakanya.
“Silly. Parang hindi naman tayo magkikita.” He rolled his eyes.
“It actually feels like that. Everytime I’ll be away from you, it’ll feel like I won’t get to see you again.”
“Sus. Drama king.” I nudged his forehead at hinatak naman ako ni Dominic para kumandong sa hita niya. He wrapped his arms around my waist and placed his chin on my shoulder.
“I love you.” sabi ni Dominic at unti-unting umangat ang isang mapait na ngiti mula sa labi ko. I stood up away from his lap and placed my lips on top of his. Humiwalay din ako agad sakanya.
“Male-late ka sa klase! Alis ka na!!” pamimilit ko dito. Hinawakan ko pa ang kamay niya at hinatak siya patayo mula sa upuan. Nagpapabigat naman ang loko pero in the end, kinuha niya rin ang bag niya at isinukbit ito sa balikat. He waved at me and I enthusiastically waved back bago siya makaalis.I stared at him as he walked away from where I’m standing.
Unti-unting lumabo ang paningin ko hanggang sa mabasa na ang mga mata ko ng sarili kong luha. Malayo naman na si Dominic kaya hinayaan ko nalang tumulo ang mga luha ko.Seconds passed and I ended up sobbing hard. My shoulders were uncontrollably shaking that I couldn’t almost breathe. I took five long breaths before letting myself sob again. Hindi ko naman kasi ito mapigilan kaya wala nalang akong ginawa kundi hayaan ito.
“Nagbreak ba kayo?” biglang umatras ang mga luha sa mga mata ko sabay talikod para harapin ang pinanggalingan ng boses.
“A-Arron.” I choked his name and unlike before, hindi na siya ngumiti nang binanggit ko ang pangalan niya. He was just frowning at me–observing me like I was going to break down again at any given time.
“Hm. Mukhang hindi naman kayo nagbreak. Hindi naman siya nakipaghiwalay sa’yo. Last time I remember, you were the one who’s practicing your break up speech. My question is, why are you acting like you’re the one who’s going to be broken?”
I pursed my lips. “I’m not acting.”
“Pero ikaw ang makikipagbreak diba? Bakit ka umiiyak?” his voice was filled with accusation.
“It’s none of your goddamn business.”
“Actually mingming, I’m going to make it business.”
“What?” and did he actually call me mingming? Hindi ba pangpusa iyon?
“I’m sick of seeing you lonely, unenergetic and it’s the second time that I’ve seen you cry for this week. I’m beginning to think that I don’t like seeing girls cry. Or maybe it’s just you.”
I bitterly laughed at him. “Oh, the irony. And coming from a heartbreaker like you?”
For the first time since the other day–ngumisi ulit si Arron sa akin. It wasn’t my favorite–easy going and genuine smile but nevertheless it’s still a smile. No matter how taunting it looked.
“See that? I like you better when you’re growling at me like a lion, mingming. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung alin ka sa dalawa. If you’re a lion or a tamed housecat.”
“Stop calling me mingming! I’m neither a lion nor a tamed housecat!” I snapped and he just chuckled.
“Chill. I’m just trying to cheer you up.”
“Oh, is this your way of cheering someone up? You don’t see me feeling up right now, don’t you?”
“But at least you’re not crying anymore right? Any emotion is better than sadness. It’s easier for me to handle angry people than crybabies like you.” maiinis na sana ulit ako sakanya but I stopped myself before I could waste another breath on him. Tutal, tumigil naman na ang luha ko at nawala na ang kalungkutan at bigat ng dibdib ko–I’m just going to say na his way of cheering someone up worked kahit papaano.
Hindi nga ako malulungkot at iiyak pero highblood at hypertension naman ang paniguradong aabutin ko sakanya.
“Hindi ako tsismoso. But since I already said I’m making you my business–why do you want to break up with Dominic? From what I can see, the boy is completely in love with you.” umirap pa siya nung sinabi niya yung last four words. Hindi naman obvious na he’s against love ‘no?
Kawawa naman si Carmela.
“Minsan kailangan mo lang talagang bumitaw para hindi siya lalong masaktan.” tumahimik si Arron na parang nag-iisip.
“You fell out of love?” hindi ko siya pinansin. Nang makahalata siya na wala akong balak sagutin ang tanong niya, nagsalita siya ulit.
“You cheated on him?” I just looked away.
“I’m not going to answer that.”
“Hm. You’re secretive, mingming. I like it.” tumango-tango si Arron at mabilis kong ibinalik ang tingin ko sakanya.
“You’re only making me your business because you’re bored. Tama ba ako?” napanguso si Arron na parang nag-iisip pa ng isasagot sa akin but in the end, he slowly nodded.
“Medyo.” umirap nalang ako sakanya at pagkatapos ay kinuha ang bag ko bago tumayo para magsimula ng maglakad. I’m not planning to stay here any longer. Especially not with him.
“So, it’s either you fell out of love or you cheated. Okay. I’ll find out sooner.” sabi nito na parang kinakausap ang sarili. Maya-maya pa ay nagsalita ito ulit. “Ang hirap. Wala bang hint?”
“Wala ka bang magawang matino sa buhay mo?”
He laughed. “Obvious ba na wala?”
“Go date. Find a fling. Or better yet, bisitahin mo si Carmela.” his eyes sparkled when I mentioned Carmela’s name.
“First, I don’t find a fling. Fling finds me. And Carmela is at school. But you can go and date me.” he suggestively wriggled his eyebrows. Naalala ko yung huling nangyari sa mall. He was acting all flirty just like this–and I realize, siguro in born playful lang talaga si Arron. Kaya sinubukan kong habaan ang pasensya ko at intindihin na parte na ng ugali niya ang pagiging malandi.
I stopped from walking just to give him a good look. “Seryoso, hindi ko alam kung ano nagugustuhan sayo ng mga nagiging babae mo.”
“That’s a long list. But I have all the time in the world for you, mingming. I’m handsome, athletic, charming, attractive, talented–”
“Arrogant, jerk, player, heartbreaker and an asshat. Does that complete the list?” natawa sa akin si Arron.
“How do you even manage to break every girl’s heart? May puso ka pa ba?” hinawakan ko ang dibdib niya at nagkukunwaring nilalamig. “So cold and hollow.” mas lalong natawa si Arron sa sinabi at ginawa ko.
“Kitten, you can’t break what you don’t have. I don’t have their heart so I can’t break them.” he paused. “And those girls? They just think they’re in love with me, but they’re not. They’re just in love at the fact that they’re in love with me. Magkaiba yun.”
Tumango-tango ako habang ipinagpatuloy ang paglalakad na ginagawa ko.
“Yep. You’re indeed heartless.”
Arron just once again laughed at me at sinabayan ako sa paglakad. Why can’t I just be like Arron? Walang takot sabihin ang nararamdaman, hindi takot saktan ang kahit na sino. Why can’t I be a jerk, insensitive and heartless like him?
Bigla akong napahinto sa paglalakad at mukhang nagulat naman si Arron sa paghinto na ginawa ko. My eyes widened at the idea that flashed my mind. Bingiyan ko ng seryosong tingin si Arron na ikinataka naman niya.
“What?”
“Teach me how to break a heart.”