Lana
"I like the way he looks at me like he sees the entire universe in my eyes."
"I like the way she says my name, it sounds like Beethoven's tenth symphony in her voice."
"I like the way he holds me when I'm afraid of the world. The world can be so scary sometimes. I don't feel afraid when I'm with him."
"I like the way she hugs me at the end of a long day like I'm the only one who can make her feel okay."
"I like the way he smiles at poetry that's supposed to be sad. It wasn't because she enjoyed sadness but because she could find the beauty in anything."
"I love the way that she chews her gum. It sounds ridiculous to enjoy something so small, something that nobody else would ever notice."
"I love the way he bunches up his nose when I say a bad joke. I always think that they're funny but he never laughs, just bunches up his nose like a rabbit because he doesn't like my puns."
"I always loved the way she chewed her gum. She would take a whole piece and split it into two and only chew a half. When I asked her why she did this, she said that it was because if she ate it in two parts, the flavor lasted longer. I love that."
"I love the way we dance in the kitchen after dark even though there's no music because we've got our own rhythm and the light from the streets comes in through the windows and I can see how he looks at me even when he's tired in the middle of the night, like he just can't get enough of me."
"I love the way that she takes extra care to make sure that she enjoys everything to its fullest and she goes to great detail to do so."
"I love the way that he can always think up new adventures for us to go on. Dancing in the kitchen, going on a hike, petting dogs at the shelter, or just sitting together on a hill in a park. Just being with each other is an adventure, no matter where we are. I love that."
"I love the way she blows bubbles with her gum and when she gets a bubble so big that it can touch her chin, she'll laugh and get my attention to show me how big the bubble is. If her bubble pops before it touches her chin, she'll make a disappointed 'oomf' sound and try again."
"I love the way he loves me."
"I love watching her cut her gum in half, I love watching her try to blow her bubbles, I love listening to her disappointed grunts and her laughter when she succeeds, and I love how she scrambles for my attention when it gets big enough."
"I loved how he sang in the shower, the same song every time because it was his favorite. But that song wasn't really that good."
"I loved the way she chewed her gum. Until slowly, I started to realize how goddam annoying it all really was."
"I didn't love it anymore when I wrote him sad poems that made him smile. They're sad."
"I didn't love it anymore when she said my name. The symphony was over, she sounded like all of the instruments were slowly dying and going flat."
"I still love the way he loves me."
"I see beauty in her eyes."
"I hate the way he never laughs at my jokes."
"I hate the way she is constantly spewing puns that aren't funny, getting mad at me when I don't laugh."
"I hate the way she has to bother me when she's chewing her gum, when her bubble gets so big. I'm busy, I don't have the time for her childish games today."
"I hate the way he wakes me up in the middle of the night for adventures because I'm tired and dancing in the kitchen doesn't seem so magical anymore."
"I hate the pop and smack of her chewing gum and the grunts when she does it wrong."
"I hate the way he looks at me, like I've done everything wrong."
"I hate the way things have become because I used to love the way things used to be but they're different. She's different. I'm different."
"I hate that we didn't fight for the things that we loved, until the things that we loved turns into things that we hate and there was no love left."
The End.
The class claps for our film like they had for the other ones that had played today and I high five Levi because we did so good on this project. Watching our film on the big screen in front of our entire lecture was crazy because it was a wakeup call that this is finally over. We worked so hard on this project, it's surreal to see it really come to life.
"That's all of the showings," Our professor announces. "So good luck on the rest of your exams and have a happy holiday."
The professor used our exam time to go through all of the films so we don't have a final exam for this class but that means that this is the last time that I'll be in this classroom with Levi. For the rest of the week, I'm swamped with other exams so we probably won't be able to see each other for a while too.
"I would say that we should go celebrate but I have another exam in an hour that I need to cram for," Levi states as we're exiting the lecture hall.
"Yeah, I should go get studying too," I agree with him. "I'll see you on Thursday?"
"Right, I'll see you Thursday," He confirms. Thursday is the day that I'm going to invite over all of my friends to watch the film that we'd created because I think that it's just that awesome and I want to show it off to everybody.
We wish each other good luck on our exams and part ways. I go back to the apartment because I need to get studying for my next exam, which is tomorrow, and I need an update on Sutton's situation which still isn't the best, even after a week of Jonah finding out about Devon.
As I'm walking through the frigid cold, I get a phone call from Tristan which is unexpected because I don't think that we have any plans this week because of exams.
"Hello?" I greet him.
"Hey," He says back. "How'd your film go?"
"Pretty well. People clapped, but they're all pretty brain dead by now with all of their exams going on. I think the reaction will be much better at the party on Thursday. You're coming, right?"
"Wouldn't miss it," He assures me. "Anyway, I was calling to see if you wanted to get together and study."
"Today?"
"Yeah, I know that it's weird but it's kind of hard for me to focus when I'm by myself."
"You're right, that is weird," I say teasingly but then I know things have to get serious because I keep thinking about what Sutton said, about how Tristan might like me more than he's telling me and that makes me nervous. I don't want to hurt him like Levi has unintentionally hurt me. "I don't think that would be a great idea though."
"Oh. Why not?" He asks me. I was really hoping he wouldn't ask me that.
"I heard something," I say slowly, not sure how I want to say this but also knowing that I don't want to have this conversation over the phone. I can't do it in person though or I'll choke up and just end up having sex with him instead of talking about our feelings—mainly his feelings. "About you."
"I'm assuming that this thing that you heard is bad," He mutters. "What is it?"
"I mean, it's not bad it's just... I don't know," I start rambling. "I heard that you are in this for more than just sex now. I'm sorry if that's not true and I'm bringing this up for no reason but I just don't think that it's a good idea if we keep doing this if it means different things to either of us."
"You think that I like you romantically?" He wonders over the phone. I get into the apartment and there's nobody in the open space so if Sutton is here, she's in her room. "I told you that I don't do that type of thing."
"I know, that's just what I heard," I say quickly. "If it's not true then you can come over."
"Oh no, it's true," He admits. "I was just hoping that you wouldn't find out."
"Listen, I really don't want to hurt you. Like, you have no idea how much this is killing me, but I have so much going on right now," I begin a very drawn out apology even though I don't think that I have anything to apologize for. We've always been so clear about what this is so it's not my fault but I still feel bad. And I know exactly what he's going through because I'm going through the same thing.
"Lana," He says my name. I take off my winter coat and hang it up before falling onto the couch. "Don't worry about it. It's not your fault, I've known this whole time what was going on."
"I still feel bad," I say to him. "I wish that there was something I could do."
"Can we still have sex though?"
"What?" I'm surprised by what he just asked.
"I mean, sure, I want you in more than just having sex with you but if that's all that I can get, I'll take it. It's better than not talking to you at all," He explains to me. I kind of understand that. If I had the choice to sleep with Levi without a relationship, I would take it in a heartbeat.
"I think that'd make it harder," I warn him. "On you, to get over me."
"Sure, I can worry about that though. It's fine if you don't want to, if it'd be weird to you," He assures me.
"Well, I guess, if you're okay with that," I say slowly, thinking about how bad of an idea that is but he has an insane body and he's great in bed so if I don't have to give that up, I won't. "I do really love your penis."
That makes him laugh, which makes me smile. "Trust me, it loves you back."
"I'll see you Thursday," I tell him. "I'm too busy with studying for exams to hang out before then."
"Alright, sure. I'll see you Thursday then, Lana," Tristan tells me before hanging up.
I guess that was a good conversation. We got everything out in the open but I still don't have to stop sleeping with him. If he's okay with it then I can be too, I just hope that he knows what he's doing. I'm not sure if it'll help or hurt, so I trust him when he says that it won't make things worse.
I mean, really, how much worse can things possibly get anyway?