My eyes opened the next morning, an extremely weird feeling in my head. It took a couple seconds to focus my eyes out, but I soon recognized I was back in Ashton's bed for the 1000th time in 2 weeks. I let out a tired sigh, propping myself on my two elbows to look around the room. It was empty, a long with the bed.
"Ashton?" I called out, but my voice only cracked into a pathetic whisper. "What the fuck?" I croaked, clearing my throat. Damn,why the fuck do I sound like a dying man? I rolled out of bed, and stumbled over towards the bathroom. I lost my footing about half way over there, falling to my hands and knees with a thud. I sighed, and crawled the rest of the way to the tiled flooring. I gripped the sink and hoisted myself up, and couldn't help the surprised gasp I made when my eyes fell upon myself in the mirror. My eyes were red, my hair was tossled and greasy, and I literally looked like a homeless old lady.
"Shit." I breathed, rubbing my hands over my eyes. I spun around, and gripped the door frame as I limped over to the door. Where the hell is Ashton? I opened the door into the main room, to see Ashton sitting at the counter with his head face down onto the surface. I leaned onto the door frame and crossed my arms over my chest, confusion and amusement running through me.
"Ashton." I said, trying to get his attention. He didn't answer, was he asleep? I stumbled over to him, and stood across from him. I put my hand on his shoulder, and gently shook it. "Pst," I whispered. "Ashton."
"Huh- what?" Ashton stuttered, perking his head up with his eyes still shut tight. They opened, and I actually stepped back in astonishment. He looked worse than I did. He looked way worse, actually.
I watched as Ashton rubbed his eyes with his hands, and looked around our surroundings with his eyebrows etched together in thought and confusion. "The fuck did I get here." He mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. I raised my eyebrows in amusement, and couldn't help but put my hand to his forehead to see if he was sick or anything. It didn't feel hot at all. What the fuck is going on?
"What did we do last night?" I asked. Ashton's eyes went from wide to narrowed in a split second, and he just stared at me for a couple moments.
"You don't remember anything?" He asked. I shook my head no, and he just nodded with his eyebrows raised.
"Oh." he said casually.
"Yeah...?" I replied, now extremely confused and a little worried. "You wanna tell me what happened?"
Ashton went quiet for a couple moments, his eyes wandering around the room. His gaze avoided mine for a while, until he looked to my eyes and then straight down to his hands that were clasped together.
"...You broke a promise." He spoke up, his voice barely audible. Instantly my heart froze and my stomach dropped, my heart starting to pound. Shit, what the fuck did I do? As we both remained silent for what felt like 20 years, my thoughts somehow dawned back to just about 12 hours ago. I can remember the fact that I payed 60 bucks for a bag of marijuana, but other than that...my memory is blank. But, before I could protest, Ashton spoke up again. "Like what the fuck you promised me you wouldn't-"
"Ashton-"
"-say it's your fault and it was fine but then you did-"
His voice was starting to raise, an angry look on his face.
"Hey," I said sternly. laying my hand on his shoulder. "What the hell are you talking about?" Ashton went silent, and I kept my hold on his shoulder until the pissed off expression on his face softened. What did he mean when he said that I said that "it was my fault". What was my fault?
After a couple moments, though, my dumb mind was catching on. I could only think of one thing I could have been talking about last night.
"Ashton I was high as fuck last night," I said. "And so were you!"
"That's the thing, Brooke," Ashton replied quietly. He didn't seem mad or anything, just a little sad. "When people are under the spell of such false satisfaction they say the things they're too afraid to say on a regular basis."
I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. Ashton's previous statement caught me off guard, and I was thoughtless for about 20 seconds. Sometimes the things that come out of Ashton's mouth have a way of stumping me and making me think of the world differently for a couple seconds.
"Well I didn't mean it." I finally spoke up.
"And that's a lie." Ashton said with a shrug.
"What the fuck?" I blurted out, backing up. Ashton just curled in his lips together and raised his eyebrows at me. "Why are you just assuming things out of nowhere like you're not me I know what I say and I didn't mean it oh my god what the fucking shit Ashton-"
My voice was cut off when realization seem to hit me. I wasn't really sure what it was...maybe it was the way Ashton was looking at me. He looked at me like he was just waiting for me to realize how fucking ridculous I sounded right now.
"Fuck I'm sorry." I sighed, resting my elbows on the counter and burrying my face in my hands.
"No, I'm sorry." Asthton said softly. "Maybe I overreacted."
"I don't want to fight about this whole fucking situation," I replied. Ashton and I have only fought once before...and we weren't even dating then. "I'm just sorry I've dragged you into this."
"Dragged me into this?" Ashton asked, his voice assuring. "Well...then you must not know what the term 'you and me' means." His lips curled into a small smile, and I felt my lips do the same thing.
"You're the best." I said, walking over to him and wrapping my arms around his torso. I felt his strong arms come around my back, and instantly I felt more relaxed than before.
"I know," he joked.I tiled my head up to look at him, and his eyes looked a little less blood-shot than before.
"You know I-" I said, but my voice ceased when my eyes widened. I was about to say "I love you", but of course I couldn't say it. I stood back from our embrace, and I was confused to see Ashton's eyes wide too. Why, though? I had no idea. We stood there in an awkward silence and I tried to read the look Ashton had in his face. It looked to be a mixture of alarm and desperation, but I wasn't sure.
It was almost as if his eyes were saying "please just say it, please?". But I know that's wrong...like fuck, he didn't even hear me say it again two nights ago.
"Yeah," I said awkwardly. We looked at each other, and luckily we both started to laugh. I wrapped my arms back around him, and rested my head on his chest.
"You gonna go home?" Ashton asked. I shrugged, shutting my tired eyes.
"I don't want to.." my voice trailed off and I pulled away from him, looking around the room for my phone. I picked it up off the counter and turned it on, hoping to see at least one text message from my mom or dad. As much as I really seem to despsize them right now...I just want them to care about me.
My phone turned on and my heart sank at the fact that there was literally not a single text or missed call or anything.
"...yeah." I spat, angrily looking at my blank phone. "I don't want to."
"Then stay here," Ashton said softly, a look of worry in his eyes. As great as that sounds, I need to get back there. Maybe the atmosphere in my house will be better than it was a couple nights ago. I looked back over to Ashton, and my heart sank. He looked so incredibly tired and sad. This sucks.
"Ashton you really need to sleep." I said, ignoring his last statement. Ashton's eyes slighty widened, but he just shrugged.
"I did sleep," he squeaked. "What are you talking about?"
"Baby I'm talking about the red in your eyes and the way you look like you're about to pass out!" I replied. I stepped closer to him, running my hand down his arm to comfort him. I couldn't help but think keeping him awake all the time is all my fault.
I mean, it is my fault... right?
"I'm not about to pass out!" He assured, though I was far from convinced. "I'm fine!"
"No, you're not," I said back. We both went quiet for a couple moments, and then I sighed. "You know I care about you more than anything right?"
"Yeah," Ashton replied. "And you know you're the same to me."
"Exactly. And we've had this talk before," I said slowly. I raised my eyebrows at him, and he did the same to me. "I think I need to get home- well, my house... and I think we both just need to sleep."
"But I..." Ashton's voice trailed off, and he sighed. "...You've been right this whole time, really. I'm being needy again."
"I feel the same way," I assured. "But I need to check on my mom and stuff."
As the words left my mouth, a look of total understanding and guilt flashed through his eyes. "Yes of course," he said quickly. "Come on Lovey I'll take you home."
I smiled and nodded, gladly taking his hands as we exited the room and out to the hallway. Fuck, it's really hot out here.
...
"Mom...?" I called out as I opened the door. I heard Ashton's truck drive away, and I sighed. As much as I wished to be with him, I felt like I should come back home- my house. I heard rustling in the kitchen as I shut the front door behind me.
"Brooke?" My mother's voice said back. I looked down at my tired self, and smoothened out the wrinkles on my shirt and threw my messy hair up into a pony tail before walking into the kitchen. She turned to face me, and I was surprised at the fact she was wearing full on sweat pants and long sleeve shirt when its so incredibly hot outside.
"Hey!" she said happily.
"You got a cold or something...?" my voice was full of suspiscion.
"What? No," she replied. "The air conditioning is going crazy! Don't you feel it?"
"No." I said bluntly, raising one eyebrow at her. "I don't."
"Well then," She scolded, turning back to whatever she was writing down at the counter. "Maybe you should get some rest. You look a little tired."
"I was gone for like, 2 days, mother." I said, crossing my arms over my chest. Was that really all she had to say to me? I waited for her to say something else, but she said nothing. She just pushed her glasses further up her nose, and continued to let her pen dance across the papers.
"Like, I could've gone down to F street." I spoke up again, slightly leaning forward. Still no answer.
"I could've spent 200 bucks on drugs!" I laughed. "I could have gotten so fucking high that I said things that I told the only person I've ever been in love with I would never say!"
"That's nice, Brooke." My mother chuckled. "Don't say that word."
"What word?" I growled. "Oh, you mean fuck? Or drugs? Well fuck fuck fuck fuck-"
"I meant love." My mother snapped, turning around to face me. Her tone of voice was so harsh, it completely caught me off guard. The room fell silent within an instant, and we both just stared at each other.
"Please don't say it." She sighed, turning her back to me. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't find any words to say. The way the atmosphere changed from angry to just sad and depressed in an instant was actually quite frightening to me.
"I'm sorry." I said quietly, my gaze falling to the floor. No one said anything for a couple moments, and I took that as my qeue to go upstairs. Tears began to brim my eyes, and I turned away as fast as I could.
This is all my fault, isn't it?
*Ashton's POV*
I have literally been standing outside my front door for 20 minutes. I've been standing here, looking from the B to the 34 to the small cracks that have formed on the old piece of wood. My mind was blank, and I had a few ideas as to why. I felt my lips purse together while my eyebrows furrowed, my mind pondering on about absolutely nothing. I blinked a few times, hoping that would make the stinging sensation in my eyes go away.
Just when I thought my mind couldn't become more motionless, that voice came.
"She fucking said it, yet you don't do shit about it."
"What am I supposed to do?" I asked aloud, mentally slapping myself for how weird I must look right now, talking to myself.
"Say it back?"
"HOW?!" I yelled, hitting my forehead against the door and shutting my eyes.
"That's the thing, you can't."
"What do you mean I can't?" I spoke, leaning back and bringing my gaze back on the door. "I could if I wanted to-"
"No, Ashton, you can't." A different voice said. I knew it was in my mind again, but I still found myself turning on my heels to look around. The hallway and rest of the courtyard was completely empty. I felt my eyes widen and my heart stop at this new voice in my head; I knew exactly who it was, and I haven't heard this particular voice in years.
"Mum?" I said aloud, now starting to feel extremely concerned with myself. What the hell is going on.
"You can't love Brooke," her voice said. "Because she doesn't love you."
"Yes... she does?" I squeaked, my eyebrows furrowing together in fear.
"Ha! You think she could ever love you?!" My mother's voice laughed. I turned my back to the door and leant against it, because by now I couldn't feel my legs. My eyes darted around the area, but there was no one here to help me or just tell me straight up I look like a maniac right now.
"She could never love you. You're a coward, a looser, a weirdo, a druggie, and a freak. You must not know it yet but one day you and your pathetic self are going to slam straight into rock bottom, and no one is going to be able to save you."
With that I shut my eyes, and threw my hands over my ears. I sunk down with my back to the door until I sat on the dirty floor. I haunched my shoulders and sat there, shaking my head.
"Stop stop stop stop..." I mumbled, trying not to start cry.
"Wow, please don't cry. You know how ridiculous you look right now?"
"I... I know." I muttered. I wanted to get up and go inside and lay down, but I couldn't get myself to move. I sat there, panting like a dog due to the heat, and wishing to be anywhere else but here. I thought about how fucking weird it was to think of my mother all of a sudden, but with each day that pasts Brooke reminds me more and more of her. I wasn't really sure what it was about them both, but something told me everyday that Brooke is just like my mum in so many ways. Along with everything going on inside and outside my head, one thought seemed to stick out to me.
This is all my fault, isn't it?