× Mercury
"You're not wearing a cast so that must be a good sign," Hannah Steele, a reporter for ESPN, said across from me. "Everyone's dying to know what happened."
I was currently sitting in one of the seats of the stands at the arena, looking out at the field in front of me. A man was located behind a camera a few feet away and a microphone boom was position outside of frame above me.
Originally this interview was scheduled after the game on Saturday, but considering what happened, it was postponed for today. Hannah was from America, Connecticut to be exact. Before the interview, she had confided in me saying that if any other interview was postponed, she would have given up as she was a busy woman, but since she traveled four thousand miles to get here, and considering my ankle was one of the top sports news at the moment, she thought it was worth staying an extra couple of days to get the scoop. She also told me that I was kind of a big deal and "absolutely needed to sit down and talk to you".
"It's a sprained ankle," I explained with a foolish smile. "It's not a big deal, but because of what happened last year, the trauma resurfaced and made the pain unbearable to even walk."
"But everything's okay now, right?" Hannah asked. "You'll be able to play in the next game?"
"Fingers crossed. I still have to take care of the sprain, but hopefully recovery will be finished in two weeks."
Behind the camera man stood Coach and Matt. Coach had to be there as he was interviewed before me, and Matt was only there because he was my ride to and from. Jamie and Jace would have been there as well, but they were currently at Hazel's funeral. It sucked that I couldn't be with them, especially since I actually met Hazel, but even without the interview, I wasn't so sure I could go because of my ankle.
"Ever since coming here to London, your fan count has been through the roof," Hannah was saying. "You've been mentioned on some of the biggest sports stations around the world and even had a cover photoshoot with captain of the team, Niall Horan. This groundbreaking division of male and female teammates obviously doesn't happen every day, but you're in the center of changing history. How does all this publicity make you feel?"
"I don't really notice it that much," I told her honestly. "There are times where I have to remind myself that I can't do this or say that; it can be frustrating as I'm sure it is for any kind of celebrity, sports or whatnot. But it does have its perks."
Hannah grinned and moved in closer. "What kind of perks are we talking about?"
"Since joining the team, recruiters have been coming to our practices and games to check out the team," I explained, knowing this wasn't what she had in mind for the perks. "Reece Walker has been offered multiple teams to join as well as James Moor and Dylan Dixon. Even teammates who aren't graduating until next spring have been getting calls to set up interviews. Coach Mathews told me that this has been the largest amount of interest his team has had in a long time."
"Coming to London not only helped you, but you're teammates as well. I call that a win-win. They probably love you for this, don't they?"
I looked over at Matt, who was one of the players who got a phone call to set up an interview even though he had a whole year of school left. He gave me a smile and a curt nod.
"I'd think so."
"Since joining the boy's team, you gained a lot of young girls who look up to you," Hannah said. "Is there anything you want to tell them?"
I've lived in a family that supported me, more specifically; I had a mom who gave me all the right advice. Unfortunately, not everyone was that blessed. I was never one to have a voice about anything, even if I tried, no one would listen. But now that I had grown both as a person and in popularity statures, this was my time to get my message across to the girls who needed the guidance.
"There are a lot of things I could tell them," I admitted. "But I guess... No matter what anyone tells you, no matter how you're treated or talked to, always remember that you're wanted."
It wasn't much, but that little piece of advice got me to where I was today thanks to Jamie.
I sat there for another ten minutes as Hannah asked me more questions. It had to be close to three in the afternoon by the time it was all wrapped up and I shook Hannah's hand one last time before she and the cameraman left through the doors of the arena.
Before I could even make a move for my crutches, Coach threw something at me, landing on my lap. I looked down and saw a magazine. But more importantly, the magazine that had mine and Niall's face on it.
"It came out today," Coach told me.
I looked down at the Sport magazine cover and thought back to the time the photo was taken, way before this mess between Niall and I happened. We both had on brooding looks, but it was all a show for the camera because the moment we had the all clear, we busted out laughing. The whole thing was so ridiculous that we couldn't help ourselves to laugh about it.
But the inside of the magazine held most of my concern. Things didn't go as planned in the photographer's eye and I knew I made a name for myself in that studio, and not in a good way.
"Please tell me they didn't totally write me off to be a diva," I said, looking up at Coach.
"Just read it."
I quickly looked at the table of contents and flipped to the page were it had the interview. Skimming through it, I found where they were talking about me.
Lynn Mercury has a voice and she's not afraid to use it. When the topic came up that she was to be shirtless on the cover, Mercury didn't hesitate to state her opinion. She refused to do it as it "sexualizes the sport". A lot of people might disagree, but then again, those people are more than likely male and see no side effect of showing off some side boob. Mercury went on to say that she has the right to her body and the choice to do what she wants. The number thirteen soccer player has a lot of spunk and clashed with the photographer. In the end, Mercury got her way, kind of, as it resulted in a compromise.
"The girl knows what she wants," Razz, the photographer of the cover shoot said. "And I may not have shown this to her when we were together, but I respect her. She's standing up for what she believes in and I can't help but admire her for that."
I think it's safe to say that Lynn Mercury was a treat to have in the building.
× × ×
Seven in the evening and I was sitting in bed, my foot elevated on a couple of pillows as a bag of ice rested on my ankle, my laptop lay on my knees and was currently playing The Lucky One movie, the camera my old neighbor had given me lying on the comforter, and a tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream between my legs as I scooped heaps of brownie batter into my mouth.
Zac Efron's voice filled the white noise in the room since Chloe had left to go shopping with Abby. I wasn't even watching the movie, but instead gazing at the walls - or more accurately, the pictures on the wall.
I had recently gone out and printed all the images I had taken from my phone and camera and taped them to the wall. Everything from the scenery of campus, my teammates as they sat on the bench with sun setting in front of them, and random strangers I found around the school as well as the collection I had of Chloe and Harry. I even put a few up of Niall that he didn't know I had taken.
Before doing that, I had a stack of photographs from California thanks to Emily. Pictures of my friends and I sunbathing, the time we went skiing, and random soccer practices. The moment I had my things unpacked, I had taped them up to remind me where I had come from. But I had soon regretted doing that because every time I was to look at them, I would grow homesick.
That was when I heard voices outside my door. I knew instantly that it was Jace dropping Jamie off from the funeral so I ignored their muffled conversation and zoned back into the movie playing in front of me.
Or I tried, but the moment I heard my name, there really wasn't going back.
"-not sure what Lynn's going to do," I heard as I turned the volume down on the movie. "She loves soccer, but with this new injury... I don't think it's a good idea she continues."
"Unfortunately, it's not our place to tell her what to do," Jace commented. "Just like it's really none of our business how she deals with this mess of Niall, either. I thought maybe with you being here she might be able to open up about everything, but it doesn't seem to be working."
"Lynn finds comfort in the chaos; it's been the only thing she's known since her parent's death," Jamie said. "Deep down, she doesn't think she deserves to be happy... to have something actually go right in her life."
"Why?"
"Uh, that's not my place to say."
She was talking about my parents and what I had told her. And she was right. I was the reason my parents were in the ground, and Karma has been coming for my ass ever since. I didn't deserve anything good to happen to me, which made me wonder why Jamie and Jace were even in my life.
There was a long pause, and I thought maybe the conversation was over. But as soon as I turned the volume back up, Jace spoke.
"Do you really, honest to God, think she's in love with him?" he asked softly.
"I do," Jamie responded. "But she has to be the one to figure that out."
This time when the conversation went quit, I didn't want to hear whatever might have been said after. I turned the volume up on the movie and put all my concentration into the moving images on the screen.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and Jamie appeared in the entrance. I tried my best to look like I didn't just hear everything she said in the hallway, but I wasn't sure how convincing I was.
"It's dark in here," she observed before shutting the door behind her.
Jamie was dressed in a silky, long sleeved black dress that flowed around her knees every time she would turn around. The black wedges on her feet made her legs look long, but she still only came up to about five feet. She dropped the matching clutch purse on the night stand and shook off the trench coat from her shoulders and placed it across the desk chair.
"That's kind of the point." I pointed to my laptop with the movie playing. "Zac Efron's too attractive to have glares from the light."
From the mention of one of her favorite actors, she quickly dropped her coat on the floor and jumped on the bed beside me, looking at the laptop screen. "Aw, man. I thought you were watching High School Musical."
I reached over and grabbed the CD on top of the stack. "Next on the list."
Jamie sat down on the bed beside me and removed her shoes one at a time. I couldn't help but notice the fading marks on her neck, right where her collar meets her shoulder, and smiled to myself and wondered when she and Jace had alone time to do that in the middle of everything that was going on.
"How was the funeral?" I asked.
"Sad," she responded solemnly. "What made it worse was that Hazel didn't even have any friends. It was just family, and then the two of us."
I remembered at the coffee place that Hazel had told Jace that all her friends had moved away and are living their lives, while she had stayed behind. I know a lot of people say they don't have friends, but the fact that no one but family went to her funeral was sad. I was really glad Jace and Jamie went. I'm sure it made Hazel's parents happy to see some of her friends there.
"How's Jace?"
Jamie sighed and pulled her duffel bag over to her and started digging out sweats to change into. "What you would expect him to be," she said. "On the way back, he didn't say much. And I didn't push him to. I just wish I could do more to help, but there's only so much I can do, you know?"
"I think just being here for him is plenty," I assured her.
After changing, Jamie took the spoon from my hand and stole a bite of ice cream from the tub before lying down next to me. We fell into silence as we watched the movie in front of us, my eyes wondering once again at the images on the wall.
I had this same kind of collage back in my bedroom in California. Except the pictures were different. They were of the UCLA campus and my Bruin's teammates as well as Anders and Grandma. And instead of pictures of Niall, there were pictures of Bradley I never had the time to remove before I left for London.
"You're sulking," Jamie blurted.
"What?"
She waved her hand in my face to grab my attention. "What's going on in that pretty head of yours?"
Everything, I mentally said in my head. Where do I even begin?
Instead, I shrugged and slumped down against the wall. "I don't know what I'm doing with my life," I told her honestly. "I feel like this is where I should be, but when I'm on the field, everything's different now."
"How so?"
I grabbed the camera and played with the dials on the top. "When my dad was alive, he made it worth playing for. I had a purpose to be on the field; to make him happy - to grow up in his footsteps," I said softly. "And even after, I felt like I needed to make him proud, more out of guilt then anything, I guess. But now... now I don't even have the heart to step on the pitch."
Turning on the camera, I found the video of my mom. Rachel Ann Mercury, so bright and loving, always looking for that security. I've always been told I was so much like my father, but I think when I comes down to it, the parts that I got from my mother is what mattered in the end. I needed security, and I thought that was what I was getting coming to London. But instead, everything flipped upside down and I've never felt more lost in my life.
"I don't even know who I am anymore," I said softly.
I always thought Macey was the one who was influenced to join soccer because of her desire to make her mom happy; I had no idea that the roles were switched - I was the one with the wish to make my dad happy.
"I can suddenly go from having a firm grasp on what and where my place is in this world, to feeling so utterly and completely lost that I actually wake up dizzy in the middle of the night only to realize that this isn't home, and that this might never be home," I whispered, my throat closing up with emotion. "Is it really worth it? After what happened the last game... I don't want to put my health in danger anymore."
I reached up and ran a hand down my face, the first of tears starting to overflow my willpower to keep my feelings at bay.
"I'm just so lost, Jam. I don't know what I'm doing anymore."
Jamie didn't hesitate to move the ice cream tub and set it on the bedside table and wrap her arms around me. I placed my head in the crook of her neck and let the silent tears fall down my cheeks.
"Maybe being lost is okay," Jamie whispered, her hand coming up to run her fingers through my hair. "Maybe you'll find everything you've been looking for while you're lost."
I sniffled and thought about that for a moment. Maybe the point of life is to always be lost. Maybe we're not supposed to have our shit together - to have it figured out, to find our way. Maybe there's no "way" to be found. Maybe life is an aimless upward swing toward infinity. Maybe we simply choose to be where we are and make that mean what it means to us in the moment.
We're all lost - there's no home to be found. This ending point or finish line we're looking for doesn't exist. We all have dreams and a place we want to be by the age of fifty, but more often than not, it doesn't end up how we want it to. So our experience begins and ends right now.
"Eventually you'll end up where you need to be," Jamie said. "With who you're meant to be with, and doing what you should be doing."
I didn't want to say this out loud, but the only times I ever felt like I was where I was supposed to be was when I was with Niall.
Jamie was right when she was talking to Jace; I felt comfort in the chaos. But I also found it in the boy I continuously pushed away, leaving me in nothing but a vicious cycle.
Removing the laptop from my lap, I leaned forward and placed my head in my hands and rubbed my tear-stained eyes. Ever since Niall and I had gotten close, everything started to get heavy; both amorously and spitefully. And it took everything in me to admit that most of it was my fault. All because I couldn't stop looking over my shoulder like the world was out to get me.
I was selfish, pointlessly putting problems after problems on top of each other only to get nowhere. I was only concerned with my own feelings and didn't have a second thought for anyone around me. Not only Niall, but going to Jamie every chance I could to tell her what the new drama was, not even knowing that I was the one who could have stopped it from the very fucking beginning.
Yeah, I've lost loved ones and had a toxic past relationship that turned me into this person, but that gave me no reason to treat Niall the way I did. But putting my past in everything I did, it only made whatever Niall and I had end before it even had the chance to begin.
But it didn't matter anymore. I was too late to make things better.
Right then there was a knock on the door.
I looked up at Jamie who had a frown on her face. "It's not Jace. I told him I wanted to spend the evening with you before I left tomorrow."
I watched as she got off the bed and went to the door. I would have done it myself but I was unfortunately in bed-rest because of my ankle. When she opened the door to see who it was, a guy around our age stood in the doorway. His face was strikingly familiar with unruly blonde hair and bold brown eyes, though I couldn't place where I had seen him before.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"Lynn," the boy said and I detected instantly that he had an American accent. "I really need to talk to you."
I removed the ice from my ankle and scooted to the edge of the bed. "Not until you tell me who you are."
The boy stood there as he played with his fingers nervously. He kept looking around like he was being watched, or maybe followed. I suddenly knew this guy was bad news. His nervous ticks struck me with something very familiar, more than his face even did.
I've met this guy before, but I couldn't tell you where.
"My name's Ethan Vendor," he said, and from the mention of his last name, my eyes went wide. "I'm Katie Vendor's cousin."