Over the weekend Jessica was exhausted. She wasn't able to do anything. It was hard for her to keep her eyes open for a long period of time. She was unable to care for her kids or enjoy her day. The day after chemo was the day chemo hit her hard. She was nauseated, tired, and weak. Jessica felt like she was in someone else's body. Nothing felt the same. Starting Monday Jessica would start radiation five days a week for three weeks. Twice a week Jessica would receive chemo. Mondays and Fridays. These next three weeks Jessica would be spending her weekdays in the hospital. It broke her heart that she would be missing so much at home and not be able to spend time with the kids. Jessica grew frustrated not being able to do anything and feeling so sick. Dorthy and Sam basically did everything and she hated that couldn't do much. Jessica would leave bed sometimes to play with the kids but her legs would give out from how tired she was. Sam would just take her back to bed.
Jessica laid on the bathroom floor leaning up against the toilet. She held a cold towel on her forehead and breathed heavily.
Sam came into the bathroom with another cold towel and a glass of ice.
"Here hun..." Sam takes her cold towel and gives her another one.
Jessica nods and places it on her head.
"Can you hand me my phone. It's on my nightstand.
"Of course..." Sam walks over and hands her the phone.
Jessica opens her phone and looks for the doctor's contact. Her face was beat red from how irritated she was.
"Doctor Burkes office, how can I help you today?" A nurse says
"Hi, I'm one of doctor Burkes patients, Jessica Shepard. I would like to speak with him."
"One moment, ma'am."
Sam looks at Jessica
"Why are you calling him?"
"I'm tired of feeling like this. I want to enjoy my kids!" Jessica says in an irritated tone.
"Hello, Jessica. How are you?"
"I'm not good. I've been in bed all weekend. I've been tired, run down, and initiated. None of my medicine is working. I'm tired of feeling like this and it's only my first cycle." Jessica slightly raises her voice avoiding the fact that she was about to cry.
"I'm sorry you feel this way, Jessica. Chemo affects patients in many different ways, yours is also intense rounds. It's only your first treatment and your body is just getting used to the drugs. I'm afraid I can't put you on any more meds. It's just too dangerous." He says with sincerity
"Please, I haven't been able to hold my son or go on walks with my daughter. I feel like a walking zombie. There has to be something."
"I will have to see what I can do. I can only give you more if I take you off one. I can't take you off anything but your anxiety meds."
"Then take me off those. Anything so I don't feel like this. Please..." Jessica says desperately.
"Jessica, if I remove you from anxiety medication your mood will change drastically. There are chances that you could fall into a deep depression. I really recommend just pushing through it, as hard as that may seem."
"Alright..."
Jessica hangs up the phone and sobs.
"Jessie, come lay back down." Sam takes her hand.
Jessica pulls it away and shakes her head.
"I'm tired of laying around! I want to enjoy my kids. I don't want to sleep."
"Jessie..."
"I just want my life back!"
***
That night Dorthy, the kids, and Sam were all outside on the patio. Jessica sat upstairs in her room laying down. From her window, she hears the giggles and chattering from outside. She felt so left out. Jessica grew the strength to get out of bed and slide into a hoodie and shorts to join them.
She tightly grasped onto the railing going down the stairs. When she got down the stairs she walked through the kitchen then outback. When she slowly slid open the door they all looked at her. Sam quickly stood up and Kennedy was all smiles.
"Mom! Want a smoore?" She says happily
"Ma-ma!" Camden cheer throwing himself around in Dorthy's arms.
Jessica smiles as Kennedy runs up and hugs her lower body.
Sam walks next to Jessica and she goes down the next step to the fire. He lightly holds her arm.
"I'm fine," Jessica says quietly moving her arm away from Sam.
Sam nods and lets her be.
"Hey honey, come sit down," Dorthy says patting her hand on the folding chair.
"Thank you." Jessica grabs the chair and sits down.
Camden reaches for Jessica and starts crying.
"Do you want to hold him?" Dorthy says
Jessica nods and holds out her arms as Dorthy's hands her Camden.
Camden starts giggling and buries his head into Jessica's chest. Jessica lays back and holds him.
"How do you like your marshmallows mom?" Kennedy says taking one from the bag.
"I'm not hungry sweetie, but thank you," Jessica says softly as she begins opening and closing her eyes.
"Do you want me to make you soup or something. You have barely touched any food this weekend." Dorthy says concerned
"No, I'm okay."
"We are having the field day tomorrow!" Kennedy says sitting next to Jessica
"Really, that's fun," Jessica says
"Mhm. I'm on the red team. Are you going to come watch."
"Your mother has treatment tomorrow, Kenny." Dorthy says
"Camden and I will come while grandma and mom are at the hospital." Sam mentions
"I can come... Treatment is early tomorrow. I'll be able to make it." Jessica says
Dorthy and Sam look at Jessica with a puzzled look.
"Yay!" Kennedy cheers hugging Jessica.
"That's a horrible idea." Sam says bluntly
"Excuse me?" Jessica raises her eyebrow.
"Jessica, you'll be so tired and worn out." Sam says softly
Jessica didn't say anything.
"What's going on?" Kennedy says
"Mom can't go tomorrow." Sam says
Jessica's eyes tear up. "Sam, I'm going."
"Jessica, look at you. You can barley keep your eyes open from just one round of chemo. Think about how you will feel after not only intense chemo but radiation too! I just think you should rest."
"I'm tired of resting and laying in bed all day Sam. You don't understand the tortue. I feel like I'm missing out on everything. I'm tired of being tired! Don't you get that?" Jessica raises her voice.
Camden starts to scream pushing Jessica away.
"Oh baby boy, don't cry." Jessica bounces Camden but he still screams.
Dorthy walks over and takes him out of Jessica's hands. Jessica covers her face and cries.
"I hate this! I'm a horrible mom, I can't do anything! This can't be the rest of my life." Jessica curls up her body.
Sam walks over to her and rocks her and she sobs.
Kennedy sat down just staring at Jessica in shock of how she broke down.
"Jessie... I'm so sorry." Sam whispers as he cries with her.
"Kennedy, let's go inside." Dorthy says taking her hand.
Kennedy shakes her head and runs over to Jessica giving her a hug.
"You are an amazing mom. No matter what. You always will be. You have to stay strong and push forward. I know you can."
**