"What do you want for Christmas, Josh?"
"Nuffin."
Simon sighed. The two eight year olds were sat on the park bench, both dressed up warmly to protect their small bodies from the chilly winter winds. Josh's hat was pulled so far down it was almost over his eyes and Simon's scarf had been wrapped so tightly by his mother that it was almost suffocating him. Squashed up close together though, they were able to keep most of the cold at bay.
The blond gave his friend a nudge. "C'mon, it's so annoying when people say that. I'm gonna get you something no matter what you say, so it might as well be something you want." Simon wasn't about to give up that easily. He was definitely one of those kids who much preferred giving gifts over receiving them, and the gift for his best friend was quite possibly the most important, even more than the ones for his parents and brothers. "What d'you want?"
"Why this year?" his friend asked. "You've never cared before," he murmured.
"Not true," Simon feigned indignation, "it's just I never had enough money to buy people gifts, so my parents got them."
"So you're telling me it wasn't you who picked out those Nemo socks last year?" Josh smirked at Simon's face as he was caught out, before slumping his shoulders. "I can't get you anything, you know that," he pointed out quietly.
Simon shook his head. "It doesn't matter," he said firmly.
"No?" Josh queried, raising one eyebrow at him. "It should."
Simon sighed, wrapping an arm around his friend's shoulders. "What's wrong with the drawings?" he questioned.
"They're not worth anything," the smaller boy mumbled.
"Of course they are. They're awesome and they came from you," the blond proclaimed. "They're all in my room y'know," he said with pride.
Josh gave him a somewhat wistful look. "Why don't you draw me something then?" he suggested.
"Because I'm crap at drawing, unless you're happy with stickmen." They both laughed and Simon leaned his head onto Josh's shoulder, looking up at him with pleading blue eyes. "Please," he begged, "I want to give you something special this Christmas."
Josh was silent for a bit, long enough for Simon to assume his request was going to be left unanswered, but then the boy murmured something quietly; so quiet that it was only the condensation coming from his mouth opening and closing that assured the blond he had actually spoken. It sounded like Josh had said: "Family," but that only confused Simon more, and he sat up straight with a confused expression.
"Huh?"
Josh didn't repeat what he'd just said but continued to mumble. "That's what Christmas is meant to be about, right?" He gave Simon a sad half smile. "I ain't ever had that. Not at Christmas. Not never."
"Not ever," Simon corrected before he could stop himself, lowering his head when Josh glared at him. "Sorry...your mum loves you though Josh, she's family," he pointed out. Josh was always going on about how much the woman had given up for him and how everything she did, she did for him.
But now Josh's features turned dark, his hazel eyes narrowing. "She doesn't," he replied simply. "She acts like she does, or at least tries to; but she don't even love herself, and until she loves herself she can't nev...ever love me. Not properly."
Simon stared at his friend's face, the upset clear. "I don't get it," he started, trailing off when Josh suddenly shrugged him away.
"No...why should you?" the boy retorted, sending the blond one of his rare angry looks, like he was blaming him for something.
Simon gulped and immediately stared down at his lap, choosing to pick at the loose threads on his gloves rather than face his friend. He didn't understand what he'd done or said wrong, and he didn't know why Josh had got so upset all of a sudden. He wanted to offer some form of comfort or say something that would make it all better, but he just didn't know how to. Instead he just tried his best to blink back the tears forming in his eyes and keep quiet, wandering if maybe Josh wanted to be left alone.
It took a while, but eventually Josh was speaking again, his voice neutral. "A book would be cool, on cooking, the easy stuff. It'd be cool if I could cook for my mum when she's not feeling up to it."
"Okay...but that's not for you..." Simon stuttered, still nervous about facing his friend; he didn't want to make things worse.
"Well maybe you should stop giving a shit about me and worry about presents for someone who deserves them!"
Simon did look up then, and what he saw was something he would never forget. Angry red tear streaks marked his friend's cheeks, his hazel eyes were blurred from overflowing and his lips were pursed tightly together, quivering. But he did not make a sound. If Simon hadn't been looking at him he wouldn't have known anything was wrong.
"I love you Josh," he blurted out quickly, pulling his friend into a tight hug, knowing that was the best thing he could say in the situation.
"I love you too," the boy mumbled into his coat.
"I'm sorry," Simon also said, referring to nothing in particular but also everything in general.
After a few more seconds, he felt Josh nod against him. "Yeah," he whispered, "me too."
...
Lying together on Simon's bed, in his old childhood room, was another one of those moments where it felt like no time had passed since they were eight years old. Except now there was considerably less extra space on the bed. Other than that though, the room looked pretty much the same, his old books and toys and games were still in their places along the wall. The desk with the last of his revision notes and the box filled with stuff he'd accumulated other the years from various holidays.
On the wall, high up above Simon's bed, were carefully hand drawn sketches. There was a frog, a greyhound, an alligator, a shark, a pair of lions and a motorbike. The two friends stared up at them silently, both resting their heads on the pillow. "I remember the moment you gave me each one of those perfectly," Simon said, lifting his hand to trace the outlines in the air. "You have no idea how much they meant to me, how special they would make me feel."
Next to him Josh was silent, but his eyes flitted to each drawing and Simon had no doubt he was remembering too. It was the evening now, and the other lads had gone him after eating, agreeing to meet up again tomorrow morning. They still had stuff to discuss, more than they'd originally thought after the "incident" earlier on.
For now though, Simon was just happy to be in the company of his friend, overjoyed that he seemed to be starting to accept physical contact again, even is he was pressed quite tightly against the wall. "I always wished I was as good as you were at drawing...and video games," he continued. "You made everything look so easy and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous at times." He smiled as Josh actually turned to him, a querying look in his eyes. "Not in an angry way," he explained, "more like...I dunno, I just wished I could be on the same level as you."
He chuckled lightly as the older boy's eyes narrowed slightly, letting Simon know exactly what he thought of that sentiment. The blond shifted so his elbow was on the pillow, resting his head in his hand. "But then as I got older, I realised things weren't as simple as I had first thought, and that stuff I was only just beginning to realise were stuff that you'd been dealing with your whole life." He gave Josh's hand a poke, merely grinning when his friend snatched it away and glared. "You always had to make things look easy, to act tougher and stronger than you really were, because that's how you survived. That's all you'd ever known."
Simon didn't know why he was saying this now. It was stuff he'd figured out long before Josh had disappeared but for some reason he was only telling him now. "I know you probably hate this," he said quietly. "I know that despite your silence you're probably screaming inside about how stupid or pathetic or vulnerable you feel, and why can't you just man up and act normal." From the look Josh gave him, Simon knew he'd hit the nail on the head, and continued: "Well I'm telling you to stop," he ordered. "You don't need to be that guy any more Josh."
"Some serious fucked up shit has happened to you and no one expects you to put on an act any more, least of all me," Simon told him. "I know I haven't always been able to understand but I will always do my best," he assured, before apologising. "I'm sorry for how I've acted these past few weeks...I thought somehow that staying away I was protecting you but I feel like I just made things worse." He sighed, pleased that some of what he'd said appeared to have got through to his friend - he'd been staring at him the whole time anyway - but still not fully comfortable with the ground rules. "I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared," he admitted. "But I'm never gonna leave," he vowed, burning his bright blue orbs into Josh's hazel ones.
Only when he received the tiniest of nods was he able to finally even blink, and he settled back down again, returning his head to the pillow, staring up at the ceiling. "Can I ask you a question?" he asked a little later, going straight into it anyway. "Do you honestly feel like having Johnny around will make things harder for you?" He paused and reworded his question. "I don't know what's going to trigger something for you and I guess you don't really know either, but after earlier..." He bit his lip, aware of how awkward he was probably sounding. "Would you prefer if you didn't live in the same place as him, at least for a bit?" he eventually said.
Josh stared at him, then lowered his gaze and shrugged. He didn't know. That was fair enough, but the uncertainty wasn't going to be good enough for Simon. They were definitely going to have to figure something out about that then.
Simon shut his eyes for a bit, simply listening to the sounds of Josh's soft breathing next to him and his own steady heartbeat. "I have one more question," he said, opening his eyes and tilting his head to look at his friend, their faces inches apart. "Will you let me do everything I can to look after you?"
He saw the question as clearly as if it had been spoken and shook his head with a smirk. "Why are you even bothering to ask me that Josh?" he said. "You really want the answer?" At Josh's dumbfounded expression he continued: "Alright then, it's because you're my bestest friend in the whole wide world!" he exclaimed like a little kid, grinning widely. "That good enough for you?" he asked, satisfied when Josh nodded quickly, eyes wide. "Yeah," Simon gave a short nod, "I thought so."
Lying there for another ten minutes, Simon realised neither of them were particularly tired, and lifted the duvet up on his side. "C'mon, get under here," he instructed, taking the Ethan direct approach and holding his phone up. "You need to catch up on your meme knowledge," he said with a warm smile.
And after another few seconds of looking at him like he was crazy, Josh complied, returning the smile.