**Disclaimer** I do not own Teen Wolf and I am literally out of witty things to add here. Don't sue me.
"I just got off the phone with Stiles," I said to my brother. He was pulling a jug of orange juice out of the fridge. I grabbed a glass for myself and sat it on the island next to his. I continued talking as I popped a bagel into the toaster. "He said that they found Matt's body in the creek just down the road from the station. Supposedly drowned,"
"Supposedly?" Eric asked, cocking an eyebrow as he poured my glass of orange juice and passed it over to me.
I picked the glass up with both hands and took a sip. "Well the story is he fell into the water and drowned himself, but I know that there's no way it could have been just an accident."
Eric nodded solemnly and slumped over in his bar stool. As I watched his posture change I remembered that he had been on the 2006 swim team, the team that Matt set out to kill. Scott said Matt told him what happened that made him so bitter, but I still have yet to hear the story.
"Eric, you know that all of Matt's victims were part of the 2006 swim team, right?" I asked. "The team you were on your sophomore year,"
He gave a heavy sigh. "Yeah, yeah I know,"
"So what happened? Why would he want to kill all of those people?"
Eric looked at me with deep eyes and I ignored my bagel as I heard it pop out of the toaster. I just need to know. I need a reason for why my brother would have potentially been on Matt's kanima-hit list.
"We were having a party to celebrate winning this big meet," he started. He fingered the rim of his glass of orange juice as he spoke. "The only reason they let me go as an underclassman was cause I always supplied the booze. I knew Lahey shouldn't have let us all drink, I just didn't think it would get that out of hand. A couple of guys chucked Matt in the water as a joke...they didn't know he couldn't swim. I was the one who pulled him out,"
"He drowned," I said quietly. My brother still heard me and nodded. That's why the kanima was afraid of water, because Matt was.
I can't even imagine what that must have been like, fighting to hold on, to not let the water in. Your head literally feels like it's going to explode. Eventually, your body stops fighting and you let in that first breath of water. It's a reflex, uncontrollable. What an awful way to die.
But I couldn't feel bad for him. I don't have that capacity. He killed numerous people. He orphaned a child. Just because they 'killed him first' doesn't give him the right to have their bodies torn to shreds by supernatural means. I died, yet you don't see me going around killing people. I have more control than that.
"You can't blame yourself, Eric," I said, noticing my brother's solemn expression.
He shook his head. "It was my fault they were drinking. If I had known I never would have - "
"But you couldn't have known." I said, breaking him off.
It happens to all of us. We look back on some little decision we made and realize all the things that happened because of it, and we think to ourselves "if only I'd known", but, of course, we couldn't have known. Who could have predicted that bringing booze to a party would result in a homicidal lizard raining down terror five years later?
"Being this way was Matt's choice. He did this to himself. He isn't your responsibility," I said. I sighed as my brother continued to hang his head. I checked the time on my phone and realized I needed to leave if I didn't want to be late for school. I grabbed my bagel out of the toaster, not even bothering to put anything on it. "I'll see you later, okay?"
I paused, waiting for my brother to reply. I folded my lips into a thin line when he didn't, grabbing my keys from the counter and my backpack from one of the chairs. He shouldn't beat himself up so much over this. I just wish he understood that.
I blasted the radio on my drive to school, as if destroying my eardrums would somehow numb the pain of what I'd experienced in the past couple of months. I was tired of thinking about it. I wanted to go back to when things were simple. To when we ate dinner at the table, all five chairs filled. I never asked for any of this. I didn't want to be different. I just wanted to fit in and get through high school with the least amount of emotional scarring as possible.
Stiles' jeep was in its usual spot when I pulled into the parking lot, but he was nowhere in sight. I assumed he had an early morning lacrosse practice with the big championship game tomorrow night. So, I walked into school alone, realizing that it would the first time I'd been here since getting my memory back. It was a bittersweet feeling.
I hopped up the steps, finally able to put names and memories with all of the faces I passed by. Now, they don't know me any better than me. They have no idea what I've been through, what I've experienced. I'm just confident enough now to be okay with that.
Allison was the first person I spotted out of our little group of friends. She was sitting crossed-legged on one of the benches, playing with the sleeve of her sweater. I could see the pain in her eyes. I'd heard what had happened, why she left Lydia's party early. I sat down next to her, knowing that I was one of the few people who would actually be able to understand what she's going through.
I didn't say anything, instead I just sat there as a form of comfort. She needed to know that somebody was supporting her. It's not easy to lose two family members in so little time. I can vouch for that. I know what it's like to lose someone you love. You don't get over something like that, you get through it.
She glanced at my, her eyes glossed over from holding back the tears. I wish she wouldn't be so afraid to let people see her cry. She doesn't have to be strong all of the time. It's okay to break every now and then. Sometimes you have to in order to stay sane.
She took in a shaky breath, staring back into her lap. Her voice, when she spoke, was brittle. "What was the hardest part, you know, after your mom died?"
I thought about this for a moment. Everything about losing your mother is hard, but there are a few things that never really go away. There are things that will haunt you and cause you pain for the rest of your life, and there's nothing you can do about it.
"I guess just realizing all the things she couldn't do anymore, the kinds of things only mothers can do," I said.
Allison stifled a sob next to me. I grabbed her hand, letting her know that it was okay if she wanted to cry. We were in the same boat. The supernatural had taken our family away from us, ripping it from the palms of our hands.
"It gets easier," I said. "Well, not at first, but it does eventually. One day you'll wake up and the numbness in your body will have subsided. You'll smile again and it won't feel right but you do it anyway. You do it because you realize that you don't have to be sad anymore,"
She looked up at me, dabbing at the corner of her eyes. "Thank you, Emma,"
I smiled and nodded. She was there for me when I lost my memory, now it was my turn to return the favor. I know how hard it is to try and get through something like this on your own, pretending that you're okay when you're really not because you hate having people feel sorry for you.
People stopped by our house six times a day for a month after the accident, always dropping by a lasagna or a fruit basket. We never ate them though. They just stock piled in the fridge until Eric finally threw them out.
When you don't know what it's really like to lose someone, it's easy to just say "I'm sorry". But, that's not what they want to hear. People die every day and the world goes on like nothing happened. But when it's a person you love, you think everyone should stop and take notice. That they ought to cry and light candles and tell you that you're not alone. That's what people who lose someone want.
"I'm sorry" just isn't enough when it comes to losing a parent. It will never be enough.
☾
Stiles and I laid on his bed after school. We were both on our sides, facing each other. I had my head resting in my hand with my propped up elbow, Stiles doing the same. Our free hands were entangled in between us. Stiles wasn't making eye contact with me, and I could tell that something was bothering him.
"Hey, at least your dad got his job back, right?" I said. He simply nodded, causing my own face to falter. I figured he'd be happy about his father being the sheriff again, since he blamed himself for getting him fired in the first place. I needed him to talk to me, so I tried another angle. "Are you nervous about the big game tomorrow?"
"As if I'll actually play," he said, his eyes still focused on his bed sheets. At least he replied to me. This meant we were getting somewhere.
I played with his fingers, but they remained still. There was an aura of tension filling the room. Something else was on his mind, something bigger than just some stupid lacrosse game tomorrow night. It's my responsibility to help him let it out.
"Is there something else bothering you?" I asked, breaking the silence that hung between us.
Finally his eyes met mine, bigger and more brown than usual. He stared at me with parted lips for a moment, as if to gain the courage to tell his next lie. "I'm fine,"
"You really think I'm gonna buy that?" I shook my head at him, tugging on his hand. "You don't have to lie to me, Stiles,"
He gave a weak smile, as if trying to prove to me that he was really telling the truth. I raised my eyebrows, challenging him to lie to me again. He was holding something back from me, I could just feel it.
He sighed, sitting up. I followed suit, resting on my knees. "It's just...everything seems like it's falling to hell, you know? Matt's dead, Jackson is a freaking homicidal lizard, Scott's mom practically hates him, Allison's mom is dead - "
"Stiles," I said, breaking him off. I grabbed his other hand. "All of this stuff that's going on, we'll get through it. We've done it before, haven't we? I pretty well hated you after I first lost my memories, but you kept fighting. So, that's what we've got to do; we've got to keep fighting."
His eyes went soft for the first time since we got to his house. He nodded. It's so strange, being the one giving out advice. I was the crazy one, the girl who couldn't remember anything and kept spewing out wolfsbane. Now I'm the one keeping everyone else grounded.
"You're right," he said quietly.
"Of course I am," I said with a smirk.
Stiles looked up at me, cocking an eyebrow. "Is that so?"
"The girl is always right," I said. The sass in my voice shocked me.
Stiles began creeping over to me on his bed, slowly. I swallowed hard. There was a mischief in his eyes, one I'd never seen before. And I loved it. "What makes you so sure?" He asked me, his breath hot in my ear.
I'd never seen this side of Stiles before, and as much as I hate to admit it, it was kind of turning me on. He was so captivating so...alluring. My heart felt like is was going to beat right out of my chest when he lips met my neck. I have no idea what got into his head to make him kiss me this way, but it's amazing.
His lips trailed around my neck and along my collarbone, finally moving up my jaw and to my mouth. I slid down as we continued to kiss, hard. He straddled my hips, barely skimming his hands along my waist. It's adorable how gentle he's still being. My hands snaked up the short sleeves of his flannel shirt, rubbing circles onto his shoulders.
For once, our kissing wasn't being interrupted by another long lost memory. I wasn't going into convulsions or randomly blacking out. I was kissing Stiles, in Stiles' bed, and that's all that matters. All of the terrible things we've been through seemed to disappear as we entangled ourselves in sheets.
I giggled as Stiles blew a strawberry into my neck, trying to push him off. Once again, he was stronger than I expected and was able to pin me down with ease. "Stiles...stop.." I managed through my giggles as he continued to make strawberries along my neck all the way up to my ears.
"I'll stop if you admit that girls aren't always right," he teased, blowing another strawberry.
"Ne - ver," I panted through my laughter.
"Alright then," he said, a smirk on his face.
He dove in with his hands, tickling every inch of my body. This was my biggest weakness. I can't help it that I have sensitive skin. I was laughing so hard that my stomach felt like it was ripping in two. I could hardly get a breath out.
"Uncle! Uncle!" I said, hoping he would cease.
"Not until you say it!" He said over my giggles.
I tried wiggling away from him, but I was laughing too hard to even move. I pressed my arms to my sides when he tried to tickle under my armpits. That's where I draw the line in the sand. Still, he managed to sneak his fingers under my arms and I couldn't take it anymore.
"Fine! Fine!" I said. His tickles slowed down so I could speak. He cocked an eyebrow at me, waiting. "Girls are mostly always right,"
He narrowed his eyes at me and I responded with an innocent smile. "Is that the closest I'm going to get?"
"Pretty much,"
He groaned, but lifted himself off of me none the less. He flopped down face first onto the bed, just laying there with his arms pressed down to his sides. He was going to suffocate himself if he kept is face pressed into the mattress like that. It made me giggle again.
"What are you doing?" I asked, chuckling.
"Moping," he replied, his voice muffled by the bed.
"Aww, Stiles," I said, putting on a fake pout. I rubbed his back, squeezing his shoulders. I heard him let out a mock sob and I rolled my eyes. I decided to play along none the less. "I know it's hard to realize that women are the superior species, but it will get easier, I promise."
He let out a wail this time, and I couldn't help but snicker at his antics. He kicked his legs against the bed, causing the whole thing to shake. "I know, I know," I cooed, continuing to rub his back in 'comfort'.
Joking around with him like this made me let loose from all of the terrible things that have happened to us. It made bearing the pain of all that I've lost just a little bit easier. Seeing him smile when he finally sat up and tackled me again made it almost worth it. If it took all of that to lead up to this, then it was worth it.
I threw my head back laughing as he pushed me down onto the bed, straddling my hips once again. I hooked the collar of his undershirt with my index finger to pull him down to me. I could feel the smirk on his lips and they pressed against mine. It was only a brief kiss, much to my dismay.
"Are you teasing me?" I asked.
He titled his head slightly. "Maybe,"
I scoffed, reaching my head up to kiss him again. He pulled his head away and I groaned with a roll of my eyes. This is so not fair. He can't just be all sexy and alluring and then not let me kiss him. It just can't happen. So, two can play at this game.
I folded my arms across my chest, sticking out my lower lip and turning my head to the side. He leaned on his hands which were on either side of my shoulders. I had to resist the temptation to grab one of them.
Then, something else caught my eye. I swooped out from under Stiles just as he was about to lean down and kiss the side of my neck, causing him to crash face first into the bed. He groaned as he sat up. I swung my legs over the bed, snatching the item from his nightstand. I twirled the crescent moon necklace in between my fingers.
"You kept it?" I asked.
I could feel him shifting so that he was sitting behind me. "I didn't know what else to do with it,"
I turned around to look at him, a smile tugging on my lips. He actually kept it. Even after I practically threw it at him and stormed out of the room. I can't believe I acted that way towards him. He just made me feel so many emotions and it terrified me because I had no idea who he was. I didn't even know who I was.
Without hesitating, I threw my arms around his neck. I held him tight, the fear of losing him again lurking in the corner of my mind. It didn't seem so terrible at the time, but looking back I realize how awful and alone I felt. With Stiles, I never have to feel that way.
Keeping my grip, I spoke, in an almost desperate voice, "I love you so much."
I felt his arms tighten. "I love you too,"
I pulled away from the hug, but only enough so that I could look him in the eyes. "Promise me that if I ever forget you again you'll just grab me by the face and kiss me harder than you ever have before,"
He smiled. He brought up a hand and smoothed down the hair on the side of my head. "If you promise to never forget me again,"
I let out a chuckle, leaning my forehead against his. "I'll try my best,"
He shook his head, pulling me back into his shoulder. We sat there, I'm not sure for how long, just holding each other. And for that amount of time, there were no werewolves, no kanimas, no hunters. It was just the two of us, another pair of idiot teenagers who have fallen helplessly in love with one another. I didn't this though. If we were idiotic teenagers, that meant we were normal. At least, as normal as it can get for kids like us.
Being normal means no pain, no constant worrying about the lives of everyone around you. It means that the supernatural is just another folk tale passed on through cultures. Any moment I have to pretend that it doesn't exist...that's a good moment.
Sharing that moment with Stiles, just makes it all that much better. He just makes everything better. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
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Thanks so much for reading!
So big things are happening in the little life of mine. My scholarship competition went well and I made a decision that's going to change my entire life. In the fall of 2015 I will be studying abroad in England. Words can't even describe how excited I am...
Also, in case you haven't heard, Tara (effulgent_) and I have released a co-written book on our joint account (homicidal_lizard). Chapter one was posted today so if you haven't seen that you should definitely check it out. It's going to be so much fun to write :)
Hopefully I'll have an update out Wednesday? Monday I'll be emotionally unstable bc Teen Wolf and Tuesday I literally have stuff from like 8am to 10pm so I probably won't have much time to write..
Thanks again and don't forget to comment, vote, and follow!
GIF not mine.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
-Alyssa