Karina wondered if this was what a break up felt like. Depending on the break up, sometimes it was one- sided. Someone wasn't happy, or the relationship wasn't working out. Of course, she wasn't exactly in that situation, not even close. She thought this situation could be labeled as "it's not you, it's me" and the most poignant factor was her and James was not even in a relationship. Yet, if she was, the feelings were definitely the same.
As she laid in her queen sized bed wrapped in the silky sheets, miserable. Was she being dramatic? A part of her most certainly agreed, but the other half felt it was justified.
She of course respected James decision in wanting to get rid of what Hydra put in him. It was logical and it needed to be done to help further his recovery. But doing it frozen, she didn't find it very pragmatic. She believed he needed to do therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, to be exact. She knew Hydra and his time under their control was – is – the most haunting horror he had to live with. But he still needed to cope with the dormant issues from being in World War II. The fact he wasn't dead as history – Steve – believed for 70 years and everything – everyone – he knew was gone. He needed help adjusting back into society more than she could have offered him back in Romania.
It wasn't like he didn't cope in those two years in Romania. She thought considering everything, he functioned pretty well. But how they lived in Romania wasn't exactly living. Sure he had a job and an apartment. But they were still in hiding. He still lived in fear of a task force breaking down his door. The way he arranged his apartment and calculated all the necessary steps to escape attested to that.
She wanted to respect his decision – choice – in going back under. She really did. Just being frozen halted any progress he could be making about his emotional and mental state about exactly what Hydra put him through. Sure, the programming they put in him needed to be deactivated permanently in some way, but she thought how he felt about it was more important.
However, she could admit the biggest thing that gnawed at her was there wasn't any time table. They didn't know how long he would be under until they fixed his mind, essentially in regards to the trigger words. She would wait for him. She would. But the rational part of her knew that there would come a point that she would need to move on from him.
She would never give up trying to help the doctors. She wasn't cruel and callous even though she had been avoiding going below ground to visit him. There would come a time that it was inevitable.
Living here in Wakanda, she didn't expect a fancy life in a sense. She was a fugitive among the rest of Steve's friends. She knew T'Challa would try and give them the best life he could in his country, but there were risks and always someone wanting to come after the former Avengers and whoever knew about James' existence. She wasn't expecting to fall in love or anything of that nature, but she knew there would come a point she would need to accept his choice. She would need to cherish the moments they had instead of what could have been.
Karina rolled over and buried her face in her cool pillow. She desperately wanted to go back to sleep to stop her brain from thinking. But she had homework. At least, that would be distracting.
Decked in a pair of her baggiest grey sweats, she overlooked that she believed they were James', and a black wife beater, she made her down to the kitchen for something to fill her growling stomach.
Stepping into the pristine kitchen, she found Scott with a plate of orange slices placed in front of him.
He smiled showcasing an orange wedge that was covering his teeth like a mouth guard.
"Morning," she greeted as she opened the refrigerator for the chocolate milk.
Scott popped out the orange wedge after he sucked out the juices. "Morning. How are you not feeling today?"
Karina let out a snort at Scott's inquiry. She poured her glass dangerously close to the edge and placed the carton back inside the refrigerator before looking at the reformed cat burglar. Despite his sunny deposition she knew Scott was missing his daughter and girlfriend. She suspected Steve was trying to find a way for Scott to at least communicate with his loved ones that didn't jeopardize their safety or even all of them in Wakanda. Karina was already wondering how long exactly Scott and even Natasha and Clint were going to be guests here in Wakanda. She had been suspected that Natasha and Clint were setting up covers to live out of Wakanda.
"Effervescent," Karina replied as she took a sip of her cold and thick chocolate milk.
Scott raised his dark eyebrows as his hands scratched the scruff he was growing, "Word of the day?"
"I'm expanding my vocabulary." Karina quipped. "You have breakfast yet?"
Scott didn't respond but instead motioned to his legion of orange slices. The tired ebony Brighton Native raised an unimpressed eyebrow as she placed her cup of milk on the countertop. "Okay, well I was thinking of making cheesy scramble eggs, cheesy potatoes, and sausage and bacon. Maybe even a side of biscuits. Is anyone else up?"
"Yeah, about that."
"What?" Karina asked the worry in her voice made her voice rise a few octaves.
"Oh it's nothing," Scott amended. "Steve just went back to Siberia to apprehend anything related to Bucky."
"Oh," Karina responded desolately. She wasn't really shocked as he had mentioned he wanted to go back but depending on what Tony told Ross the place was probably heavily guarded.
"But eggs and the cheesy potatoes sound great." Scott added in an obvious change of conversation.
Karina smiled tightly before going to grab the materials she needed to make their meal. "You know you should watch it eating all those oranges. You might start getting cramps or diarrhea."
Scott snapped his fingers in the air, "Shame that was what I was going for."
Karina shook her head before a frown took over, "How about I make cheesy potatoes for dinner and make grits instead?"
"You're the boss."
Karina spent most of her day with Scott, besides leaving for a while to work on a paper. They watched some TV shows, played some card games, and Scott stuffed his face with some of the Russian dishes Anya taught her. Scott was in the middle of eating her Chak-Chak along with a baked apple when everyone returned back from their mission.
...
No one looked worse for wear as there were no visible injuries on their bodies. She watched silently as Steve carried a massive box with the Hydra logo stamped on the side in his arms while Sam followed behind him with a dolly that contained more boxes followed by Wanda using her red energy to carry even more boxes. Natasha and Clint came after. Clint made a beeline to the kitchen where she and Scott were watching wordlessly while Natasha looked solemn in the direction of where Steve had headed before she followed Clint into the kitchen.
Karina wanted to ask how everything went. She had a good inkling how exactly it did go, but she wasn't really a part of the team and she didn't want to seem nosey.
Instead she slapped Clint's hand that was trying to steal food from Scott's plate that earned her a playful glare while she offered to make them all a plate.
After serving the team the rest of the pork chops and cheesy potatoes she made for herself and Scott and listening to Sam's playful moaning how Scott was the recipient of her cooking for the whole day, she excused herself from the dining room with a warm plate of food for the one person who hadn't made an appearance.
Walking back into a spare room that was more of a lounge that James and Steve usually found reprieve, she found the door slightly ajar with the light shining through. She could hear the soft movement of pages turning. She knocked on the door lightly where he lightly beckoned her to come in. She found the first super soldier at a table surrounded by many boxes and folders with his nose buried deep already in one.
She held up the plate in her hand and was the recipient of a small, but grateful smile.
Much to his protest, she walked to him placing the plate in front of him as she handed him his eating utensils.
Since James went under a few days ago, she and Steve hadn't really been in the same room. And to her it felt awkward now as their only source of bonding was below them sleeping. It wasn't until then that she realized she never really talked to Steve. Sure, they had small talks here and there. Mostly about small things James did or the occasional conversation of how she was adjusting, but it never moved beyond that. Here he was doing something to help his friend while she was still moping about his decision.
"Seems like a successful mission," Karina supplied delicately.
Steve looked around all the boxes taking his eyes off his meal, "Won't really know until I read through them all. I'm almost grateful Ross didn't seem all that concern with the deserted Hydra base."
Karina noticed he couldn't even hide the slight distain in his voice when mentioned the Secretary of State.
"Thank God for small favors, right?"
Steve's lips quirked up lightly at her words. "We'll help him, Karina. It may take a while, but we'll figure it out."
Eternally optimistic came to the forefront of Karina's mind, but instead of hearing her own voice she heard the steady low voice of James when on the rare occasion he told her about Steve.
"You're a good friend, Steve." Karina said somberly.
"I think the jury's out on that one."
Karina pursed her lips as she knew he was referring to what happened between him and Tony. Karina knew she couldn't comment on the situation considering her bias and she didn't know the relationship between Steve and Tony prior to all this.
Instead she placed a comforting hand on his broad shoulders before she left him to eat his dinner in peace, but not before stealthy swiping a few folders that were on top of a box by the door.
...
Karina found herself running around the track inside the gym when Sam Wilson entered the gym and wordlessly became her running partner for the next 3 miles. She stopped after two, but sat on the sidelines nursing her water bottle while she watched Sam perform his daily cardio.
Once he was finished the former paratrooper with a sweat ring around his neck came sat down next to her.
"You know this was how I met Steve. We ran the same running trail and I watched as he ran like 14 miles in 30 minutes."
"And now you're here." She supplied as she wrapped her arms around her knees. "Do you regret it?"
Sam looked at her incredulous, "Hell no." Karina shook her head at him as he winked at her before his voice became serious. "But it's not easy, especially now, but I know Cap just wants to do what's right protect the little guys so to speak. But working with Steve, I mean I know I'm just human with good reflexes and looks, but knowing I possibly made a difference in someone's life...it makes everything worth it. Besides knowing him definitely helps with the ladies." Karina rolled her eyes at his words. He bumped his shoulder against hers. "What about you in Romania with Bucky, you regret it?"
"No, never." Karina shook her head vehemently. "It's just I knew this day would come. I thought we would honestly be fine in Bucharest. Besides, the nightmares and mood swings, he was functioning." They were happy in their own little bubble. Karina focused on her empty water bottle as she avoided Sam's brown intense gaze, "I don't know I'm angry at myself for thinking we could be normal or something."
"There is nothing wrong with wanting that with Bucky," Sam pointed out. "Realistically, of course, with the resources King T'Challa, he should be receiving proper treatment for his PTSD, but there is nothing wrong with wanting a life with Bucky."
Karina took a deep breath as her lungs and heart was starting to fill heavy. "This isn't a life. There is always going to be something Sam."
"But at least you'll have him. You would be with him."
"Will I?"
...
Karina watched as the sun set in Wakanda. She watched the transformation of the blue sky gradually became darker before the hues became a rainbow of orange, purple, and pink. She was sitting on the balcony outside in the patio furniture where she deliberately sat where no one could see her from the windows in the living room.
She was glad the week was about to be over as she looked forward to not having any sessions since it was the weekend. She was slightly regretting accepting the offer to gain some semblance of a degree in bioengineering and cybernetics as she forgot how much she didn't really like school. But schooling took up her mind and time and she wasn't going to complain about the top notch education she was receiving. And it was a good excuse why she had yet to open the folders she swiped from the haul of information Steve took from Siberia.
She didn't know why she was delaying the inevitable. It wasn't as if she wasn't aware of James' history under Hydra's control. She knew whatever was in there wasn't going to be pretty as she was already exposed to the harsh treatment he received. But seeing and reading were different and there were things she didn't know and she wasn't sure if she wanted to.
She was watching the sun descend lower when she heard the sliding door shut and out came Steve with a sheepish smile.
"Sorry to interrupt."
Karina shrugged her shoulders, "It's a public domain."
Steve took a seat in the lawn chair next to her and he briefly analyzed the sun setting and in Karina's mind she knew he would eventually draw his own version of this before he turned towards her.
"Something wrong?" Karina questioned as she sat up straighter in the chair.
"No, everything is okay. Just I got you something."
Karina frowned as she didn't know what Captain America could possibly want to give her as she was most certainly sure it wasn't her birthday.
"Is it Christmas already?" She joked.
His full lips pulled into a smile, "I don't think they celebrate that over here."
She watched as he pulled a small black flip phone out of his pocket – a burner – with a piece of paper.
She gently took the items genuinely confused as he explained. "Even though this is a burner, I would still use caution as I don't know how severe the monitoring of your family has, but as you are aware I met Anya and I know you two haven't spoken in a while. So I sent her a burner and this is the number for it, so you two can talk."
Karina looked up at Steve with her eyes becoming watery at the gesture before she engulfed the Super Soldier in a tight hug not even caring if she got his shirt all wet.