Two days later I was sat on the settee wringing my hands nervously. Jack was buttering his toast. Usually, I'd hear him whistle or sing as he went about his business but not this morning. As soon as I'd woken him up I'd said I had some big news. He was the one that insisted on having some food first. I couldn't eat.
He came in and sat in the opposing armchair, legs spread wide and toast dangling from his mouth. "You look nervous," he remarked with a mouthful of churned up toast.
"I am!"
"Don't be," he dismissed. He must have some inkling about what I was going to say. He must have had thoughts spilling around his mind. Thoughts that I was leaving, cheated, pregnant...
"Jack, I'm pregnant," I said in one gush wanting nothing more than to get the words out. He raised his eyebrows and began chewing a lot slower. That was it? I peered at him, observing every inch of his face waiting for an explosion. I thought at least some of the stress and nerves churning up inside of me would subside once I'd told him. It hadn't. I was still fighting back the urge to run to the bathroom and make myself throw up just to try and make the nerves settle.
He wagged a long finger at me, "That is big news."
"Are you mad at me?" My voice was quiet, wobbling with apprehension.
"Mad?" He cocked an eyebrow slightly perplexed. I could see in his eyes he was dazed, probably in shock. "Why would I be mad? Did you do it on purpose, Rubes?" His eyes narrowed. "D'you try and trick me so we're stuck together, that it?"
"What the fuck? No!" My cheeks were burning hot. How dare he accuse me of something like that?
He shrugged, seeming to relax back into the armchair. He took another bite of toast. "Then I ain't mad. I gotta...I'm gonna go out for a bit." He nodded more to himself and got to his feet. "This is big news. Very big news." I watched as he tottered into the bedroom. He returned moments later with a jacket and his shoes on. He pointed at me, his eyes forever moving to my belly. "Big news. I'll see you in a bit." He kissed me on the forehead and left me alone.
I sighed. I'd not been expecting him to fall over his feet in excitement or twirl me around the room singing at the top of his lungs. I didn't even know what to make of his reaction. All I gathered was he was pretty astounded. Good or bad I was yet to find out.
I sat back into the sofa, curling my legs up and nibbling furiously at my nails until they were ugly uneven stumps. I waited a good ten minutes before Jack returned. He stared at me, nodding his head slowly. "Great," he whispered. "Ok."
"Ok?" I pursed my lips together.
"Yeah, we got this. We're going to be parents, Ruby." He took my face in his hands and kissed me hard. The pair of us scared out of our minds. What kind of crazy parents were we going to be? I was barely eighteen.
"Oh God," I pulled back, the rush of endorphins suddenly turning to mush as one face sprung to mind. Jack sat beside me, taking my hands in his and gazing at me as I'd morphed to glass. "My dad's going to kill us."
"Shit."
***
I spent the following week visiting family and telling them the fantastic news. My mother insisted on taking me shopping (and by that, I mean taking Jack's money shopping) and kitting me out in a whole maternity wardrobe. I'd sat dad down with a strong cup of tea, clapping my hands together feeling way more nerves than when I'd told Jack.
He said nothing. After the longest, most painful silence of my life he slowly nodded once and said, "Well it is what it is. It's not really ideal, you're not married or engaged who's to say he won't dump you?"
"Dad!" I took a seat opposite him, my shoulders slumping.
He shrugged. The disappointment in his eyes threatened to consume us both. "Just saying it how I see it."
"You want me to get engaged?" My voice pitched.
"Yes, I think you should both get married before the baby's born." He shook his head, taking several large glugs from his mug. "It's the right thing to do."
I was still trying to get my head around the fact that I was having a child. I didn't want any added pressure of married life weighing on top of me. How could I tell him that I wasn't prepared to trap myself like that? He didn't know what it was like having a relationship with someone like Jack. I'd tried to dodge answering him and left before the day was out. He hugged me by the front door but it felt like there were miles of distance between us. It broke my heart. I loved my father more than anyone, to see him pull back from me was awful.
I cried the entire night, great wracking sobs wrenching through my heart and ribs, tearing up my throat.
****
I floated around in this strange bubble as I desperately tried to come to terms with the fact that I was with child. This was really happening. Once I'd told Angie, subsequently freaked out as I remembered I'd gotten high and horrendously drunk while pregnant I calmed down. She took me to the hospital and of course, that's when news of my pregnancy leaked out to the rest of the world.
There was one person I'd been avoiding. One person I desperately didn't want to know. But here I was waiting in his lounge for the man himself to make a grand entrance. He'd not locked the front door so I'd let myself in, made us both a fancy tea and now I was waiting.
He ambled in, blonde hair mussed from sleep and eyes barely open. He leaped back up when he spotted me. "The fuck, Ruby!" He slowly lowered his fists. His eyes fell to the tea and so he plodded over, sitting beside me and helping himself. "Cheers," he clanked tea cups and began making appreciative sounds as he drank.
"Brian," I said hesitantly.
"I already know," he said smoothly, not bothering to look at me. He set his cup down and started rolling himself a spliff. "It's cool, we're cool-"
"We are?"
He snorted, running his tongue along the paper and rolling it shut. "Yeah. Ruby look, I already got five chicks running around claiming I'm their kid's dad. What makes number six so special?" I watched, stunned as he rummaged in his kimono pocket for a box of matches.
"Are you kidding me?" I spluttered when I wasn't so angry I could find the words to speak. "You don't give a rat's arse?"
He smiled, lighting up and taking a long drag. "Not really," his voice was heavy with smoke. He breathed out, offering me a toke but I just scowled at him. "Do I look like father material to you? I care about you Rubes, a lot...Probably more than you'll ever really understand, dear. But I need people looking after me, I need help. You see?"
I frowned down at my lap, tears threatening to fall. I fought desperately to hold them back. I thought about the little person growing inside of me. If Brian was its father then this was the moment he'd turned his back. He didn't care. I wasn't sure I could ever forgive him for this. I pushed to my feet, "Alright, Brian."
"This is all even if I'm the dad, we only shagged once and you and Jack are at it like bloody rabbits." He was sat staring at the coffee table, smoking. Lost in his own trance. I turned and went to leave when he called after me, "Wait."
"What is it?" I inwardly groaned at how close to tears I sounded.
He let out a sigh, almost inadible but I heard it. He stared up at me with an unreachable sadness, "Do you regret that night?"
"I feel like I'm going to."
His eyebrows flickered up, "I don't...don't regret it. I kind of wish it had happened more. You know? I know I'm not the nicest person but sometimes...I see you with Jack and I know you're with the wrong band member. I know things about him, what he gets up to on tou-"
"Brian," I snapped, "I don't wanna hear it. Please!" Now I was crying. Snot and tears and big puffy red eyes. The whole shebang. "Please don't."
He made no effort to come to me. He just watched, spliff forgotten and simmering in the ashtray. "I wouldn't have done it to you, dear. Listen-listen I know you're upset but listen. Look at you, you're so young, this band is gonna break you, Ruby. Look at me," he gestured awkwardly down at himself. He was naked beside from the kimono. Even since the last time I'd seen him he was looking thinner. He reached for his inhaler, breathing in before continuing. "It broke me. I'm a broken man." He finished rather sadly.
I wanted to go to him, to swaddle him in my arms and never let go, to shut the door and lock out the rest of the world. I could see in his eyes he wanted that too. Maybe in another world, with more years, more experience I would have walked away. But our hearts were hurting and so I went to him.
He brought our lips together, his hands on my bare thighs.