ABBIE'S POV
Para akong sira na pabiling biling sa pagkakahiga ko habang kinakausap ko ang sarili ko, actually, nagpapractice ako kung paano ako makikipagbreak kay Tati. I've been staying in the Philippines for almost a month at nagkabalikan na kami ng tuluyan ni Brit but the thing is, I don't know how to "break it gently" kay Tati. I am not sure if she already has an idea but I got an email from her last night with the screenshot of her plane ticket. I already called her and told her that I would go back to Singapore but she insisted to come instead.
I am so stressed and anxious. My heart is telling me to just simply follow it, but my conscience says otherwise. If I'd be practical, I would choose Tati simply because she didn't do anything bad to me and she loved me unconditionally. She's been there and I loved her, it may be a different kind of love but I still love her. And I am already hurting knowing for a fact that I am bound to hurt her.
Si Britney..wala sa hinagap ko na magkakasama pa kami and mas masaya ngayon na open kami sa lahat lalong lalo na sa pamilya ko. Nameet nya na si Itay at mga kamag anak namin nang magreunion kami last week. Hindi ko alam kung anong mayroon sa kanya pero patay na patay na talaga ako sa babaeng iyon.. kahit na gaano pa akong nasaktan.. ni hindi ko na nga maalala kung bakit kami nagkahiwalay.. tinatawanan ko na lang namin pag naaalala namin ang mga nangyari noon.
"Ate!!!" Sigaw ni Anne habang kumakatok sa pinto ng kwarto ko.
"Oh?!" Sigaw ko din.
"Ate may bisita ka!"
Biglang kumabog ang dibdib ko. Imposible namang si Tati dahil ayon sa plane ticket nya, mamayang gabi pa ang dating nya.
Nag ayos lang ako ng buhok at ng damit ko at lumabas na ako ng kwarto. Napabuntong hininga ako ng makumpirmang hindi si Tati ang bisita ko kundi si Jae. Ganunpaman, na bother ako sa hitsura nya.
"Napadalaw ka?"nakakunot noong tanong ko matapos humalik sa pisngi nya.
"Hindi ako dumalaw, sinusundo kita."seryosong sagot nya sa akin.
"Huh??Saan tayo pupunta?" Nagtatakang tanong ko.
"It's Tati. She tried to kill herself and I am on my way back to Singapore at isasabay na kita."she stated calmly but a hint of worry was surely showing on her face.
"What?!---where is she now??! Is she stable??!!!" I suddenly felt like I am going to throw up. Tati killing herself is the last thing na iisipin kong gagawin nya.
I called Brit and told her I am coming with Jae. She said she'll try to get the soonest flight possible para makasunod.How Jae fixed my papers was the least of my priority. Paulit ulit kong sinisisi ang sarili ko dahil sa nangyari kay Tati. I felt like I am solely responsible for her attempt to end her life.
Ilang oras lang ay lakad takbo na ang ginagawa ko sa hallway ng private hospital na pinagdalhan kay Tati. According to Nate, ilang araw na raw itong hindi lumalabas at kung hindi pa nila sinubukang idistrungka ang lock ng pinto ng unit nito ay hindi nila ito maaabutang buhay. She hanged herself and the reddish brown line was evident on her neck when I saw her on her hospital bed. Her skin is pale except sa nagsisimula nang mangitim na leeg nya and she lost a lot of weight. I felt my tears ran down my face as I stare at her limp body. This is all me. All my fault.
Bumigat ang pakiramdam ko at halos hindi ko maihakbang ang paa ko. Katabi nya ang mommy nya na umiiyak habang nakatunghay sa kanya. I started with a small step, dahilan para mapalingon sa akin ang parents nya. Her dad looked at me sharply habang ang mama nya naman ay nakatingin sa akin na nakikiusap ang mga mata, hindi pa man bumubuka ang bibig nya ay alam ko na kung ano ang gusto nyang mangyari. I stepped towards her left side at hinawakan ang kamay nya. Her face is swollen, her skin looked dry at halatang hindi sya kumakain o umiinom man lang. I kissed the back of her hands. I did what I think I should do.
"Hon..." I whispered on her ear before I kissed it.
She opened her bloodshot eyes and saw hope in there. She smiled and motioned me to come closer. I kissed her cheeks and I felt her arms pulled me. I hugged her and I felt her tears on my shoulder.
I cannot bear to hurt her in the state she's in so I just held her. We didn't talk.. we just cuddled like we used to. Isa isang nawala ang mga tao doon. Ang mga parents nya, niyaya ni Jae na magdinner para bigyan kami ng privacy.
"Why?"mahina kong tanong, walang bahid ng paninisi. Ako lang ang dapat sisihin. Nakalimutan ko na may naghihintay sa akin, na may nagmamahal sa akin at umaasang babalikan ko.
"Iniwan mo ko.. I thought you're already choosing her..."she kissed my cheek.
"Tati.."I know it's not the best time but I felt the urge to correct her.
"Shhhh.. it's okay, I forgive you."she said whispering to my ear.
I felt goosebumps as her breath touched my ear.
It's like it's final. Hindi na ako nagsalita pa. I sensed that something is wrong.She's still not herself. After couple of minutes ay bumalik si Jae na may dalang pagkain. Sinubuan ko si Tati dahil ayaw nyang kumain kung hindi ko daw sya pakakainin.
"Honey... uwi na tayo. "Biglang yaya nya sa akin habang nakaupo ako at nakaunan sya sa hita ko.
"Hindi pa pwede hon..we need to make sure you are okay." Matigas na sabi ko.
"NO!!!Im already Okay!nandito ka na eh!!!I WANT TO GO HOME!!HOME!!!HOME!!!HOMEEEEE!!!!" malakas na sigaw nya.
"Shhh..please hon.. no need to shout.."alo ko sa kanya.
"NO!!!GUSTO KO UMUWI!!!DADATING NA SYA!!KUKUNIN KA NYA SA AKIN!!!!UMUWI NA TAYO!!"Hysterical na sigaw nya. Nagsimula na syang magwala at mag iiyak habang nagsisigaw sa latin, na hindi ko maintindihan. Agad kong inabot ang callbell kaya inassist ako ng mga nurse at ininjectan sya ng pampakalma.
Mabilis syang nakatulog matapos syang maturukan ng gamot.
Tati is not well and I feel responsible for what happened. I think I should stick with her for now.
Kinabukasan ng umaga, I went to the cafeteria to grab a cup of coffee. Naghihintay ako ng elevator nang makita kong papasok ng lobby si Brit kasama si Jae.
"Babe."I greeted as she approached me.
"How is she?" She looked worried.
"She's still not her self. She has episodes na nagwawala na lang sya bigla. I feel na kasalanan ko ang lahat. I shouldn't have left." I almost whispered the last sentence.
"She'll come around. Stop worrying about her. Everything will be alright."she assured me. I hugged her and took in her scent. I missed her.
I led her to Tati's room. I kind of got nervous because I have a bad feeling about Tati seeing Brit and I was right. Hindi pa lumalapit si Brit, nagsimula nang magwala si Tati kaya naman I decided to send her back sa hotel.
I came back to the hospital right away. For now, si Tati muna. She needs me and I ought to take care of her. Brit tried to understand the situation.
I saw chaos as Jae, Tati's parents, nurses and orderlies are outside Tati's room. Napatakbo ako nang makita kong nagakakagulo sila.
"What happened?!" I asked as they all seemed worried.
"She shut the door. Baka kung anong ginawa nya!"Jae's voice is hoarsed.
"Tatiana, open the door! Please,hon!" I knocked on the door, making sure she's hearing me..
The burst open and she jumped onto my arms.
"I thought you'd left."she weeped.
"I won't leave,okay? Stop worrying non sense. Dito lang ako,I am worried about you too." I said as I caressed her back.
I led her to her bed. I looked around and saw that people are finally relieved.
Just like the previous night, I watched her until she fell asleep.
We spoke to her physician afterwards and was advised that Tati should be seen by a psychiatrist. Her parents refused the recommendation as they don't deem it necessary. Pinakiusapan lang nila ako to stick with Tati and everything should be okay. I agreed as I feel that it was my responsibility and also because I love Tati.