The more I try to clear my mind, the harder it gets. It's like walking through a dense forest, trying to find the road. I feel so lost. The gang has tried to cheer me up with everything they can think of. They've exhausted all options, but I just seem to be... stuck.
A few days have passed since I last talked to Miguel. And during that period, I got hired and I've been reading up on Tirene. Andie and I have spent a lot of time despite the issue I have with his brother.
We've been keeping track of everything regarding my family, making no obvious moves. Tirene's been talking to the broker who sold my mom her building.
About four years ago, my mom opened her own company; a teaching office. Her team teaches online and in-classroom language lessons. The broker who sold it to her put it directly under her name, and since she hasn't found the time to get a divorce yet, Tirene's been talking to the broker who sold my mom her building, discussing arrangements to make it a joint property. We've been keeping track of everything regarding my family, making no obvious moves.
Andie took me to her office. It wasn't like how I imagined it to be. You'd think her headquarters, being underground, would look like Dr. Abbot's research lab in Species III. It isn't anything like that. It was bright and it had wood floorings and bonsai trees. Freaking bonsai trees. But their work? Now that's some serious shit.
We were in her office when she thought of going gun shopping. "Come on, Ellie! It'll be fun!"
"How is gun shopping fun? Gun shopping!?"
"Well, you're single. You have a house of your own. You have a crazy middle-aged woman after you. Don't you think that it's about right to have something for self-defense?"
"Let's say you're right-"
"I am right, Ellie." She put her feet up her desk and bit her apple. I was on the sofa with my laptop on my thighs. Laptops are a really good substitute for heating pads.
"But how are we even going to go to that place when it's pouring outside? I don't have a car, yours is busted. And I don't plan on dragging my friends to a firearms store."
She dialed somebody on her phone. She begged them, whomever it may be, to drive us there. When she hung up, she was ecstatic. So, I grabbed my coat and my shoes and started to prepare. It was a cold day so I didn't bother putting on full-on make up. To be honest, I haven't bothered to do it in a week, since performance night. I just swabbed my lips with some tint and I was ready. I head up to the café above us and ordered a quick drink, and lit one up.
You can say that my smoking habits have been worsening. I've blown through about three packs this week. The only things I have been doing these past few days are monitoring my psycho-aunt and writing up articles for Prime. That isn't much, so smoking is kind of my pastime. Andie came out and flicked the cigarette out of my fingers.
"Hey! What's the big deal? That was the good kind." I retort. She stepped on the stick and crushed my heart along with it.
"He's going to hate that. He hates smoking."
"I don't care, Andie. You dragged me into this so deal with it! You should've remembered that that I was a smoker before calling up your misocapnist* boyfriend to pick us up."
"He's not my boyfriend."
"You always say that Andie," A car pulled up in front of us and the driver rolled down his window. "just admit it!"
"He's not my boyfriend, Ellie. He's my brother." I bade her goodbye and walked away. This is the last thing I want! Today was such a peaceful, rainy day and Andie just had to kill the vibe! Yet, before I could return to the nice, warm café, Andie pulled me back and threw me in the car. I protested with every bit of strength and resistance I could conjure up, but she was stronger than me still. "Just sit, you don't have to talk."
That's what I did. I took out my phone and just focused on that. I had my headphones on, blasting MCR through my eardrums. Not long, we were at the store. The car stopped, which baffled me.
"Why did the car stop? You're just dropping us off."
Mig looked at me through the rear-view mirror. "Is there a rule where I can't spend time with my sister?"
"No, but I'd very much appreciate it when you'll leave us alone." I smiled, sarcastically. Andie got out of the car, so did I. I thought he was going to switch on the engine, but he still imposed himself. "Why did I bother? When did you ever care about what I appreciated? Right?" I blurt out. Waking in a faster pace, I entered the store ahead of them.
A purple-haired woman stood behind the counter and greeted me. I told her I had company and we were looking for a gun that would suit me. One thing Andie didn't know was I knew my guns. A part of my childhood was spent with my paternal uncle who had a full trunk of guns. You could say that I loved sneaking around as a kid. I asked for a .45 Auto and a 9mm Blacknitride. Andie was shocked at my choice. "I didn't know you were badass!"
"Oh you knew I was, just didn't know how much." Mig rolled his eyes and I decided to be the crazy bitch I am.
I pointed the gun at his forehead and both the saleslady and Andie screamed. "Don't worry, I won't shoot. I just wanted to know how it felt having it pointed at someone of... extreme disregard." His eyes feared what was in front of him. With just a pull of the trigger, I could've ended it all. Could've.
I put down the pistol and manipulated with the revolver next. "Elena! Are you out of your goddamn mind!?" Andie came at me. "You don't do that to people, Ellie! It's just wrong!"
"There are a lot of things that shouldn't be done to people, but tell me, haven't you done something like that too?" She stayed silent and I told the saleslady that I'll be taking the pistol first. The revolver was a real catch but I was short on budget. We arranged everything and I got my first gun.
When we went through the store doors, Mig whispered in my ear. "What you did there?" He pointed at the store, "scared the shit out of me. I know you hate me, but you shouldn't have gone that far."
"Well, I know I hurt you, but you shouldn't have talked shit about me. I guess that levels it out, no?"
"You went beyond the line, Elena. Don't give me that bullshit."
"Now, I thought going beyond the line was a trend now! I learned that from you! I never really got it, actually, until you called me fucking crazy over the phone."
"Childish, Elena! Childish!"
"I know, I thought I would stoop down to your level this time. Although, I'm turning the tables because I don't want to be a pathetic, insecure, disloyal failure of a being just like you."
"I took you in, Elena! And this is how you thank me?"
"Yes. By not talking about you behind your back. That's more mercy than I ever got from you." Andie was looking disheartened, standing across the car. "I'm going to the apartment. You guys go back to HQ. I have some work to do."
Andie sent me off and before I knew it, I was in a bar. I need this. I need a drink. I went in the aura was so relaxing. There was live music and the décor was rustic. It felt like I was living in the 90's all over again. I head to the bar and the bartender approached me. "What can I get for you?"
"I'll have a bourbon." I smile.
"Rough day?"
"God, what an understatement!"
"Well, this'll burn your throat enough to loosen you up." He pushed the glass to me and grinned. He was cute. Long hair curled in all the right places, real strong features plus he knows his drinks. Distracting yourself, Elena. How mature.
The past two months have been so fucking shitty. So many thing ahppened all at once that I've almost forgotten how to cool down. I have to say though, I wouldn't change anything. If God allowed me to rewrite history, I would hand the pen back to him and leave the past as it should be. I'm actually quite glad that some things didn't end up the way I wanted them to. Imagine if I had hung on to Miguel, unaware of his alter ego? If I had continue to put up with everything back in my old house? I know that I am far from mended, but at least I'm starting to be capable of piecing everything back together again.
My chain of thought was interuppted by the lyrics being sung up front.
'I drove miles and miles, but would you do the same for me? Honestly?'
That just sounded like an angel's choir. They sung the words my soul could not dare to whisper. The singer has a real silky voice; whole and deep. He sung it like he was telling us a story. Many people had their phones up, filming his performance. I wanted to do the same too.
As I fished for my phone, my hand grazed upon my newly bought pistol. I have a gun in my bag! I felt so rebelious for the wrong reason (not like I haven't felt like that before) so before I get caught, I drank what's left of my drink and exited the bar.
Returning to my apartment was still out of the question so once I was greeted by the sharp, cool, after-rain winds, I stood in an alley beside the bar. My pack was already half empty, I just bought this yesterday. Still, I lit one up and let the nicotine intoxicate me.
To be honest, it hurts seeing Miguel live his life normally. Being okay with everything that has come to be. But I keep telling myself that he's happier like this. I've been angry all this time because I don't want to let anybody see that I'm still caught up. Anger is my front, loss is what eats me up. It feels as if half of me has been cut off. Like there's always this empty space beside me, a space that is impossible to fill. He was my someone. Nobody has ever held me like he did.
I look for pieces of him in everybody I meet. When somebody tells me they like baking or cooking, his face instantly pops up in my mind. Yet somehow, while I grow to hate him, my affection for him doesn't waver. I still worry about him, care about him. Sometimes, I even have to remind myself that he isn't the Miguel I fell inlove with years ago. I have to remind myself that he has changed and that we aren't going down a one way street anymore. Face it, Elena. It's over.
God, Miguel! Out of everybody that could have turned their back on me, it just had to be you. It just had to be the one who knew all my weak spots. Did you know that, Miguel? I feel so weak around you. I feel so exposed when I'm with you. Though, I never thought for a second that you would judge me the way you did. You are the person I wanted to lean on after carrying the whole world on my back. You are the person I wanted to see when my world starts crumbling. I wanted you to be there with me while I pick all my pieces up. I wanted you to hold my hand as I face my worst fears. I wanted you to be there for me, Miguel. As much as it pains me to say, I still want you. I still miss you. I still love you. I don't know why but I do! It sucks, doesn't it? You make me feel so ambivalent about everything. You keep me on my toes and you make my cry. You calm me down when I'm starting to have an emotional overload and you drive me insane! You make me feel all of this and now, you leave me wondering why when you clearly think of me differently. Pulling all the strings of my heart, making it flutter and ache, tearing it apart.
"Oh fuck," I sob out, wiping the tears off my cheeks. "Stupid fucking Miguel, making me waste all my tears." I spat out. I'm talking to myself again and I'm crying by a bar. Isn't that just sad? The filter was the only thing left between my fingers so I threw it on the ground and stepped on it. I hailed a cab, and told him where my place is.
When I approached my unit, there was a big plastic bag leaning on my door. A sticky note was stuck on top of it.
'Sleep comfortably tonight, babygirl. –Roce'
I felt like bawling my eyes out again. What am I going to do without these people?
I take the matress in and threw it up in the loft. As I was about to make some coffee, I remembered that most of this stuff was Mig's. I guess I'll have to return them, just as soon as I get the chance to buy replacements. I get a mug from the cupboard and stirred the coffee. I have a sizable amount of work to do tonight, so I better start typing.
Knocks have been my alarm tone these days. I held-back bang on the door made my eyes snap open and arise from my slumber. It was ten in the morning. I climb down from the loft and answered the door.
"Ellie." Ethan stood before me and I became speechless. "There you are!" He bust in and wrapped me in a hug.
"I missed you, Ethan." I hugged him back and I led him inside my apartment.
"Ellie, someone is buying mom's building. They can't say who it is, but I have a strong feeling that it's someone we know. And this sounds crazy, but I think I saw Auntie Tirene in campus yesterday."
"What!?" My eyes widened in horror. A hundred possible outcomes played in my mind. She went for Ethan. "Did she talk to you?"
"No, I just saw her in our admin building. She was talking to my dean. Are we in trouble, Ellie? Is she back?"
"No, don't worry about it, Ethan. I've got it undercontrol. You just have to take care of Mom, Gramps, Grama and everybody else in the family. Okay? I'll take care of Tirene just make sure that nothing gets sold or nothing gets lost."
"So, she is back." He looked at the floor. He must've been thinking of our horrid past in the province.
"Yes, she is back."
"Is our dad coming too?"
"No, Ethan." I knelt before him. My poor brother... He's been an ultimate victim of my father's unbelivably short and uncontrollable temper. "He's not coming back. Not on my watch. He is not going to be anywhere near us, let alone appear or lay a finger on you. Don't let it get to you, huh? We're not going back there again."
"Good."
"Don't you have school?"
"I do, I'm on my way actually. That's how I found out you stayed here."
"Does mom know I'm here?"
"Yeah. But she didn't send me here, I came here on my own. They aren't angry, Ellie. They're just disappointed. You could've at least left a note, or called us when you got setlled in. We've been worried sick." I sat by him and rubbed his back.
"You don't have to worry about me anymore, Ethan. I'm doing okay. I have a job and a place. You guys should just worry about eating well and on time and staying under a roof with a warm bed to sleep on. I'm growing up now. I have to do this on my own. Don't worry about me, okay? Tell the family that."
"You have a job?" He asked.
"Yeah, it's just like my job before. Writing and stuff... I just started about three days ago."
"Here." He brought out a white envelope. I opened it only to find one thousand bills bound by a rubber band. "Grama wanted me to give it to you, so that you don't go hungry. She wanted to send some food too, but the commute coming here is a bit long. The food might just spill. It's not a lot but it's enough to buy some noodles down at 7-11."
"I'm okay, Ethan. I promise." I hand the envelope back, tucking it into his pocket.
"Ellie, this is yours. I want you to have it. We don't see you anymore and it's been draining the life out of us. Please just take that, so that they know you're okay. That you're still breathing and still the stubborn prick you are."
"Like you aren't stubborn too! Come here!" I hugged him again, tighter this time. If he's going out there on his own, who knows what might happen to him? "You take care of yourself and the whole family. Stay safe. I can't afford losing you guys."
~
*misocapnist - someone who hates tobacco
hi okay i've been so depressed these past few days it sucks. listen to is there someone who can watch you - the 1975 while reading the senti 'imissyou' part.
gubay