NEO
Olivia was definitely interesting.
She sounded like she didn't know how to talk to me half of the time. Stilted and often formal — she reminded me of a robot. Did she grow up sheltered? Did all the children from South House grow up like that?
A momentary flash of a face had my mood dimming just a tad. I would know the answer if I really thought about it but that wasn't a path I would like to be on. At least, not now. Not when I just got Matched with her. She deserved better than to be faced with my trauma now.
"Don't you have friends?" I asked. Her green eyes sharpened before she looked at the bedsheet.
"Not really," she said. "Do you?"
My smile faltered for a second.
Friends. Sure, I had friends. Or well, one particular friend. One that I would never see again. My heart clenched tight as an image threatened to flood my brain. I hesitated to answer her. How much could I tell her and how much should I keep under wraps?
What should I tell her?
"I have a few. I was mostly close to one person," I said.
That should be enough of an answer, right?
Olivia tilted her head to the side a bit as if she was contemplating something. "Was?"
Cold sweat started to drip down my back from the edges of my hair. My palms became sweaty and my heart raced. I didn't want to tell her about this. But she was my wife. She had the right to know. Starting this... whatever this was between us on the wrong foot wasn't what I wanted.
Pondering for a second, the only way I could not lie to her and yet still refrain from walking down the painful memory lane was to simplify what I had experienced. My eyes burned and I had the sudden urge to run to the bathroom and vomit. I decided to grit my teeth and answer her instead.
"Was," I said. "He died a few weeks ago."
The necklace around my neck almost heated. It was probably in my head, but it still felt like it. She frowned at me before she placed a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry."
I choked down a soft laugh at her slightly confused face and patted her hand. "Thanks."
She took away her hand and then waved it around. "How did he die?"
My heart tugged painfully as my smile began to hurt my cheeks. "Ah," I said. "An accident."
An accident was what his death was ruled as anyway. No one truly knew how he died. I didn't know how he died. I couldn't find out either. There were lingering doubts and suspicions of the nature of his death, of course, but I managed to persuade myself to not think about it.
He was dead anyway. There was no coming back from that no matter what I did.
Olivia looked at me but she didn't proceed to ask anymore. Instead, she moved around and lay on the bed. "Have you felt it?"
I was relieved with the subject change only to let that question sink in my mind. First Spark... I glanced at my fingertips, anxiety bubbled within me. It was clear as day what she was referring to. But I had no answer to that. Not ones that she would be happy to hear.
She looked at the ceiling and sighed at my silence.
"First Spark," she said. "I haven't feel it yet. Not even when I touched you just now." Her lips tugged downwards. "Am I broken?"
I felt my heart skip a beat and panic rushing back into my veins. "No," I whispered. "I didn't feel it either."
"Is it a lie then?" she asked. "The First spark."
"I..." What could I say to her? There was the truth and then there was an utter lie. And because I was a coward deep inside, I opted for the latter. "That can't be right. It can't be a lie if our parents felt it. If my grandparents felt it."
She pushed herself on her elbows. "Do you think we're late bloomers then?"
I sighed and leaned against the headboard. "Probably. I mean... everyone felt it."
But the panic only increased in me as a part of me started realising something ugly. Like a picture ruined by fire catching at its corners, burning the beauty out of it; leaving only remains of ashes behind as evidence it ever existed.
That one memory became sharper as I recalled every single detail of what happened. That one memory that shattered everything I knew about myself. At the time, it had been a pleasant experience.
It wasn't now.
First Spark. There was only one person I had felt connected to in a way that became indescribable.
Michael...
I tried not to tense up.
"What if we never feel it?" Olivia asked, bringing my attention back to her.
I smiled at her tightly. "We will."
She didn't look convinced.
Neither was I.