Song: Hawthorne Heights-This Is Who We Are
My arm hurts and there’s a loud beeping that surrounds me. These are the only two thoughts that I can really comprehend as I slowly come into consciousness. I’m extremely annoyed. I didn’t even know it is possible to be annoyed in the barely conscious state I’m in, however I am. Each beep signals that my heart is beating, which is something that I really don’t want.
If anything, I wish I could magically make it stop.
However the more awake I get, the more my arms hurt, particularly my wrists and all the way up to the inside of my elbows. They throb but mostly they feel like an open wound that someone’s shoved dirt in before closing it up.
“Thank god.” I hear someone sigh as my eyelids flutter, signaling I’m waking up. Honestly, I try my hardest not to give away the fact that I’m almost awake. If anything, I’ll fake sleeping until whoever is in my hospital room leaves. I don’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone or even explain to anyone why I did what I did. However, as I feel a hand on my own, my eyes shoot open. “Fallon!”
Eve stands beside my bed, tears sparkling on her cheeks. She gives a sad smile as she wraps her arms around me; however I immediately push her off of me. I’m beyond angry; I’m furious. I can’t even try to calm down as Eve gives me an upset look because she knows I’m pissed off that I’m alive. I just wish I was dead.
“You’re not supposed to move your arms,” she mumbles shyly, taking a step away from me. I look down at the white bandages that cover both of my forearms. “Or you’ll loosen the stitches.” It’s already too late as I slowly watch the blood seep through, the red creating a long, thin line that slowly gets bigger along where the cut is underneath. “Nurse!” Eve calls, starting to walk towards the hall.
“Eve, no!” I snap, grabbing her arm with my numb fingers. “I’m fine!”
She jerks out of my grasp and gestures towards my wrists. “I’m not just going to sit around and let you bleed right in front of me, Fallon!”
“Is everything alright?” A nurse pokes her head in the door and her eyes grow wide once she sees me bleeding.
I exhale nosily as I slump back into my bed. The nurse rushes over, grabbing fresh bandages and supplies on her way. As she starts to unwrap my arms, Eve sits on the edge of my bed, making sure not to touch me.
“So how did I get here?” I snap. If I’m going to be here for a few days, I might as well know how I survived.
“I found you,” she whispers with downcast eyes. Her brown hair falls in her face and I resist the temptation to brush it behind her ear. As if I wasn’t pissed off before, now I’m completely livid. Eve, the girl I barely know found me bleeding to death in a bathtub. She’s the one who saved my life when I wish I had just died.
“But you left,” I say through clenched teeth. “Why the hell did you come back?”
The nurse watches with wary eyes as she removes both bandages, as if in my anger I will intentionally rip open my cuts and try to kill myself in front of them. Eve avoids looking at my wrists as I stare down at the gashes. She was right; I did reopen the stitches. It’s a completely mess that I created and still I didn’t die. The worst thing you can fail at in life is dying and I did just that.
“I felt bad about how I acted and how upset you were,” she murmurs, brushing the stray hair behind her ear like I wish I had done. “When you didn’t answer me when I called for you, I started looking. When I found you in the bathroom…” She trails off, not saying anymore. It’s obvious she called an ambulance and that’s how I got here. I watch fresh tears roll down her cheeks and I start to feel bad, however the uncontrollable anger quickly overpowers the sympathy.
When the nurse is done wrapping up my bandages she stands and heads for the door. She’s almost out when I yell to her.
“Get her out.”
Eve quickly turns to me with a startled expression, her glassy eyes wide. The nurse’s expression isn’t much different except for the fact that she hasn’t been crying.
“I said get her out!” I yell, my numb hands balling into fists. The nurse doesn’t even have to move as Eve quickly runs towards the door. Once they’re both gone, I stare at the white ceiling.
My hands clench and unclench as I think about what I would do for some alcohol. Even worse than that, is the craving for meth. I’ve known what it feels like to be an addict without your drug; however the pull I feel now is even stronger. My brain unwillingly thinks about how the smoke going in my lungs will feel or the powder up my nose. The longing turns me into an even worse rage.
I don’t understand how the desire can be so strong when I haven’t gotten high since Tyson was born. Suddenly, I bite my tongue. As horrible as it is, with everything that has gone on I had happily forgot about Tyson, my son. I don’t want to see him or think about him, so luckily the thought diminishes, replaced with one of Kelsey. I wonder if she’s alive.
“Fallon.” My head jerks to the left and who stands in the doorway. For some reason, I expected it to be Kelsey, however I’m wrong. It’s Ms. Rose, holding Tyson, my giggling, gurgling son.
“Get him out,” I snap, trying to keep my voice low so I don’t start screaming. Ms. Rose nods and heads down the hall. I breathe relief and then she returns, by herself. She grabs a chair nearby in my room and drags it to my bedside.
“How are you feeling?”
“Like shit.” I don’t mean to sound as angry and awful as I do to the one person who has been there for me, however I can’t help it. After the things I just went through, I have a pretty good damn excuse.
“You should be able to go home in about a week,” she says, not losing her composure for even a second. “That is, if you want to.”
“What do you mean?” I ask curiously, raising my eyebrows.
“Well, for the next few days you’re on suicide watch…” She trails off, choking up when she has to say the ‘s’ word. I look up at the camera in the top corner of my hospital room. “But because you’re eighteen, after that you choose one of three options.”
“Which are?”
Ms. Rose avoids my eyes. “You can either stay here and get help, which I really think you should, Fallon.” I shake my head. There’s no way I’m staying in a hospital until I’m considered normal by a bunch of people I don’t know. “Or you can go to a rehab facility of your choice.”
When she doesn’t tell me my third option I stare at her intently. “What’s the last one?”
“You go home,” she sighs. “And act like this never happened.”
“I’ll take that option.” I can tell my words hurt her, however at this point, I don’t care. It’s my choice. However the softer side of me, the worrying one, decides to change the subject. “What’s happened with Kelsey?”
Ms. Rose’s eyes flicker to mine and I can already tell that she’s dead. Tyson won’t ever have a mother. Before, he had a drug addicted one. Now, he only has a messed up father who tried to kill himself just like his mom did and succeeded.
“Kelsey’s…” She takes a deep breath and rests her fingers on mine. I don’t move my hand away from her comforting gesture as I wait for her answer. “Fallon, Kelsey’s alive.”
I watch the smoke twirl around in the air as it leaves my mouth. Even though it’s so insignificant, it’s beautiful though I can’t explain why.
I really shouldn’t be out here; however I’m having trouble dealing with the idea of being a dad. Kelsey only told me three days ago, however it’s just sinking in now.
“Fallon?” I hear Kelsey call from the back deck of her foster parent’s house. They refuse to allow Kelsey to live with them and bring such misfortune to their family. We had just told them twenty minutes ago and right after her foster dad started screaming for me, I booked it out back into the forest and pulled out my bag of clear crystal.
“I know you’re out here,” she sighs, and I squint towards the small, yellow light of the back deck to see her. She sits on the grass waiting for me, knowing I have to come out at some point. “We don’t have to talk; I just want to go home.” I can hear the tears in her voice and sigh. She thinks that I ran off and am hiding from her father. She doesn’t suspect the meth; the same meth that she told me she would be mad if I didn’t quit because she has to.
I clench my teeth together as I hold in my last breath of the crystal before exhaling. I shove my lighter, pipe and baggy into the inside pocket of my jacket and start to make my way through the trees.
As soon as Kelsey’s eyes flicker to mine, she knows I’m as high as a kite. She starts yelling and screaming, each word angering me more than the next. I’m so hyped up on drugs that I’m scared I’ll hurt her in anger of her annoying me. So as I start walking home, without saying a word, I try to distract myself from her shrieking.
After a short few minutes, I realize that it’s not going to word. So I take in a clean breath of fresh air before sprinting as fast as I can away from Kelsey. When I’ve gone a few blocks, I turn around and smirk. As horrible as it is, the meth makes me happy that I’ve left my newly pregnant girlfriend to walk home alone through the city at night.
However when two hours later Kelsey hasn’t called and still hasn’t come home, I realize that something horrible has happened and it’s my entire fault.