Not Requested
AU- Leader!Alec gets overwhelmed about his new job.
Warning - Depression, Thoughts of suicide, panic attack
SPOILERS
A/N- Yo I wasn't on planning to write two Malec stories in a row but from the last episode I got inspired by their conversation on Magnus' terrace and went with it. Oh and sorry this is super depressing I've just been in a weird mood all day. Oh and the day after the episode came out? Wow I'm shocked!
~~~
Why the fuck did he decide to take over and get rid of Aldertree, this was the question Alec was asking himself.
It was like a revolving door, some problem with the downworlders, something happened with Valentine, someone arises in the institute, someone went on an unauthorized mission, one thing after another and the problems began to pile.
In addition to the general problems he has his sister's addiction he's worried about, Clary's bloodsucker of a boyfriend is being threatened to get killed by Valentine, The sealies and vampires want to kill Clary, and he hasn't seen Magnus in what feels like ages.
Part of him didn't think it could get worse, but of course something did.
Jace and Clary decide to try and save Simon and Clary gets kidnapped... again.
With a storm fast approaching Alec fears there isn't much time to stop Valentine. The institute was in an absolute panic, all searching for Clary and Valentine, and Alec was at the helm of it all, giving orders.
Alec feels the most pressure he's ever felt, if they can't stop Valentine it will be Alec who's to blame, or at least that's what he's telling himself.
Everyone will tell him he made the wrong call, should have locked Clary up and let Valentine kill Simon, I mean what's one vamps life for all of the downworlders' lives?
But Clary was his... friend seems a little too strong for their relations, maybe a close acquaintance with a pretty decent understanding of each other.
Either way he already killed Clary's mom, next he kills her boyfriend? What kind of friend, acquaintance kind of person, would let that happen?
Not again.
Take a seat at his desk, Alec let's his head fall back against the back of his chair, letting out a harsh sigh. He let's his eyes fall shut, partially to calm himself, partially to stop his head from spinning anymore than it felt like I was already.
It didn't last long cause with much annoyance a knock comes from the office door... again.
"Come in." Alec says in a calm voice sitting up.
Aldertree steps in with a smile.
"What do you want?" Alec asks harshly.
"Just checking in, seeing if you're ready to let me take the reins and fix the mess you put us into." Aldertree replies taking a seat in the empty chair and clasping his hands together in his lap.
"What would be your move then? I have all the troops out searching, we can't control the weather so we can't stop it that way, and if we don't stop it at all then all the downworlders could die."
"Is that such a bad thing?"
"Oh so you're plan is to let everyone die? To let Valentine destroy everything? Glad you're not calling the shots now."
"Well then, if I'm just the horrible leader you make me out to believe how are you doing any better?"
Alec was silent, truthfully he didn't know how to reply.
"Exactly, you are a worse leader than me. Want to know why? Clouded judgement doesn't fair well when dealing with a pressing situation like this. If Jace were to kill Valentine back then, we wouldn't have a problem, if Clary was dead, yet again no problem, hell you probably could of even stopped the demon attack that killed Joselyn, if you would have let Valentine kill Simon he would have lost all leverage. I may be harsh by your standards but I'm not the idiot who is causing the Soul-Sword to be activated and looks like you can't change it now. But come on, it's just downworlders, right? The bad things we have to keep in line so they don't wreak havoc, those half demons who's very nature is to do bad, oh but yes I almost forgot, you're precious parabatai has demon blood in him, oh and that little boyfriend of yours, Magnus is it? Looks like I was wrong, you're going to lose two of your loved one because of your blindness, but I guess you have your sister, how is she doing staying off Yin Fen? Still seeing that pesky vamp? Looks like he'll be gone too. But even your sister isn't a guaranteed, right? Alec Lightwood calls the shots and suddenly all the balance created by downworlder and shadowhunters will be destroyed and you will probably be sent off to Idris but hey, say hi to mum and dad for me, heard their fighting as usual. Anyways I'll let you enjoy you're last few hours of running the institute, I can't want to get it back after the Clave is done with you."
Alec stayed silent as Aldertree heads out, a smirk very present on his face.
Alec is frozen in his place before ultimately slamming a hand down onto the desk. He lets out a harsh sigh, yet again, resting his head in his hand, his head spinning now more than ever.
Part of him fought so hard to disagree with everything Aldertree said to him. To just disregard it as nothing more than a petty jab to get him upset and break his focus.
But another part of him was screaming how right he was about everything he said, soon it wore down the other part and Alec couldn't help but go to a dark place.
He killed Clary's mom.
He basically handed Clary to Valentine on a silver platter.
He fucked everything up with Jace.
He decided not to kill Simon, instead killing every downworlder, including Simon.
The thoughts keep coming and coming leading him further until only one thought takes over his mind.
He was the monster who ruined everything.
Aldertree was right, he was never fit to be in charge, everything would be better off without him.
Jocelyn would still be here.
Clary would still be at the institute.
Jace wouldn't of been captured by Valentine in the first place.
Everything would have been better without him.
Absolutely everything.
Alec feels his hands starting to shake and he knows it's not a good sign. He went to a place he never wanted to go.
But then his mind flashed to something, or really someone, else.
Magnus.
He promised if he was every getting these thoughts to come to him.
Yet again a part of him knew it was stupid to abandoned everyone in such a crisis.
But he couldn't give a damn, anything part of him to just be selfish, that he needed to go to Magnus, cool off, be clear headed.
So that's what he did.
~~~
The rain was heavy on Alec's back as he reaches Magnus' apartment, luckily no sign of lightning but it's too early to say there won't be any.
He gets up to Magnus' apartment and his hand stretches out to knock but freezes just an inch or so away from the door.
He couldn't do it.
He didn't want to burden Magnus with what was the wreck Alec was.
After all, in a few hours he could just be dead because of him.
His mind once again falling to the dark place, thinking how Magnus would've been better off without him.
His hand shakes once again and he feels his chest tighten as his breathe becomes short.
Alec had to act now before he broke down in the middle of the hallway so before he can stop himself his hand makes it to the door knocking against it before retreating towards him, resting on his chest as he feels his heart beat speeding up.
Those few seconds felt like hours in Alec's mind. With every breathe he can feel his throat burning more and more for oxygen.
The door opens and Magnus' smile instantly drops, reaching out to help Alec inside. Alec tries to breathe as they make their way over to the couch, Alec sitting down on it and Magnus on the floor in front of him. Alec's eyes are glued shut feeling too overwhelmed to keep them open. Magnus grabs onto Alec's hands lightly in his before speaking soft and slowly.
"Alec, Listen to me. You are having a panic attack right now. I'm going to try and help you through this okay? Just nod yes or no."
Alec tries listening slowly nodding when answering the question.
"Okay, do you trust me?"
Yet again, nodding yes.
He moves Alec's hand slowly up to his chest.
"Okay, You can get through this. Just feel my heart beat against your fingers, try and match your breathing. Want me to help you?"
Yes.
"Okay, deep breathe in, slowly push it out, in, out."
Alec mimics Magnus, calming a little but starting to get worked up again.
"Alec, listen. Concentrate on your breathing. Stay in the present. Can you do that?"
Another yes.
Alec keeps pace this time.
"I am proud of you. Good job, keep going."
Alec nods, a small smile forcing it's way onto his lips for a split second before falling.
"Alec, hey look at me please."
Alec forces his eyes open slightly, his eyes are a little glossed over but he can still see Magnus.
"Hey, look at those pretty. You are doing so good, come on, breathe in, breathe out, see you've got it. Good Job!" Magnus encourages.
After quite a bit of time Alec has finally calmed down enough for the panic attack to end.
Magnus offers to go get him a drink and Alec nods muttering out a "Thank you." in a weak voice.
Magnus returns with water and Alec takes a drink. The room remains silent for quite some time before Alec speaks up.
"I-I'm sorry about all that. I didn't m-mean to it's just stuff at the inst-"
Magnus reached a finger up to Alec's lips, stopping him.
"It's okay Alec, you don't need to explain to me until you're comfortable and ready. You don't owe me any kind of explanation, understand?"
Alec nods, taking another drink of the water. The two of them stay quiet until finally Alec speaks again.
"I promised you that if there ever came a day those... dark thoughts... crossed my mind I'd come to you and..." Alec can't even look at him as he admits it, "I umm... a thought crossed my mind, of how everything would be better without me, without Alec Lightwood, the biggest screw up, to mess everything up. Just for a split second I was honestly determined to... to..."
Alec couldn't even say it. Saying it would be admitting his darkest secret. But he didn't need to say it for Magnus to know.
"Alexander, I... I'm glad your comfortable enough to speak to me about this, to follow through with your promise. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to do this. I don't want to push you any more than your willing but if your comfortable enough could you tell me why? I understand if you don't want to, you owe me no explanation after all, I just want to help you however I can." Magnus mutters out, trying to hold himself together, if not for himself, for Alec.
Alec lets out a small shaky breathe before starting to talk. He tells Magnus everything that Aldertree had said, how he believed it and fed into it, how he's about to destroy the downworld and it was all his fault.
And Magnus listened, he listened to the lies Aldertree told Alec, he listened to his boyfriend admit how he let Aldertree win, and how because of the soul-sword he thought the downworld was going to be destroyed and be caused by him. He listened to it all, agave Alec his chance to get everything he needed off of his chest, soothing him when he was starting to get worked up, again.
After Alec was done Magnus started working on reassuring him it wasn't his fault. Explaining that a lot of those problems were started with Aldertree and Lydia, that the Clave called these shots. Told him how it wasn't Alec who killed Clary's mom, just a demon possessing Alec's body and reminding him how Clary never blames him for what happened.
After the long discussion they had Alec felt tired, both emotionally and physically tired. Every fiber of his being was screaming to stop and take a break but his mind was telling him he had to get back to the institute and try to fix this mess.
But Magnus insisted he shouldn't, told him he need to just sleep, that there wasn't anything they could do now but to just sleep and get a clear head.
After much insistence Alec finally agreed to sleep, just for a little bit. The guilt was building inside of him that he agreed but he wanted to please Magnus.
And he was, Magnus was definitely happy.
The thing that made him the most happy is Alec actually came to him and trusted him enough to tell him this stuff.
Now for the next few hours, they're gonna live life like there isn't any tomorrow, since the possibility of Magnus not going to be here tomorrow is more likely than either would like to have.
But they didn't focus on that, just each other and the love between the two of them...