M A R T I N
(Almost this whole chapter is a flashback, so sorry if it's confusing because it jumps around)(also this chapter is kinda tied in with ch. 37! Jingle bell glock pt.2!)
"A war hero, who won the war, but lost the battle." A priest spoke.
"He lost the battle against himself, constantly wondering if he was good enough. Always asking God why he made it and so many others didn't." He said and then I saw a dark casket with a flag covering the top.
"But he fell in love, he had a family. A family that adored him." My chest became tight.
"Please bow your heads as we pray for this brave mans soul, that God may accept him as he his. Battle wounds and all." The priest said and everyone faced the ground.
I saw faces, so many faces as the priest said a little prayer, "He has saved many, so we ask that you save him. Where he has fallen short, may you pick him up."
"Now we call upon Deja Riggs, to receive the flag." He said and I saw my wife walk up to the front of the crowd in all black with her hair up.
Her eyes were red as she inhaled shakily, she leaned on the casket for a minute, her body shaking with sobs.
Roger lightly took her shoulders and gently pulled her away.
A few Navy SEAL's started to fold up the flag that had covered the coffin.
"I know the road is long, to recover such a loss. A friend," The priest spoke as I saw Roger and Trish, "A cop," He said and I saw Cruz, Bailey and Avery.
"A husband," He said and I saw Deja's sweet face, she covered her mouth as her eyes closed, "And a father." He said and I saw my beautiful little girl who had pretty blonde hair and my eyes.
"Martin John Riggs, may God bless his soul. He will be greatly missed." He said as they handed my wife the flag, she pulled it into her chest as she looked up at the sky.
I gasped as I woke up in darkness, I noticed I was in a suit and tie. I felt around and realized it was a coffin.
I woke up, breathing heavily.
I slowly lifted my head to see I way resting my head on my wife's stomach, her hand gently playing with my hair.
"That dream, again?" She asked quietly.
"That dream." I sighed as I rested my head back down.
She went back to playing with my hair, "I can't lose you. You know that, right?" She asked and I gently nodded as I hummed.
"And I can't lose you." I repeated her before I woke up again.
Her warm smile and kind hands were no longer near me, I couldn't hear her soft voice trying to soothe me.
I opened my eyes to see it was dark and I was no longer in the house we bought, but the trailer I tend to drowned my sorrows in.
I looked around and gained my thoughts, my memories of before my wife was snatched out from under me.
About my reoccurring dream of her having to live without me-- and now it's just the opposite..
I have to live without her.
These sort of dreams and nightmares occur often, especially when I drink a little too much and miss her more than usual.
I groaned softly as I sat up, realizing that it was almost 7am, but all my shades were drawn.
I got up and went to work, nothing new or exciting was going on.
I felt dead.
I sat next to my wife's desk all day, trying not to think about her even though there's still a faint hint of her sweet scent on her chair.
"Riggs, we've got what looks to be a suicide downtown. You coming?" Murtaugh asked, sucking me out of my thoughts.
I cleared my throat before standing to my feet.
We went downtown to find a man with a gun resting in his hand, laying on the bathroom floor.
There wasn't much to see, it was an obvious suicide.
"Rog, I think you've got this, I'm gonna head back to the station." I warned my partner I was leaving.
He gave me a look, like he knew I wanted to do the same thing that those man did, he opened his mouth to speak.
But he just sighed, knowing that since Deja was taken, there wasn't much he could say to control or calm me down.
--
"Something happened to you, man. And you snapped! You wanna kill yourself? Go home, put the little sheet down and get it done!" Roger yelled through an empty station.
I could hardly remember what we were fighting about, but I'm pretty sure it was the fact that I'm a drunk and that he caught me in my trailer with a gun to my chin.
I inhaled deeply as I faced him, "She was my entire life, do you get that? You have Trish, you have your kids, you have your family to fall back on. She was the person who would catch me... She was was my family." I spoke in a harsh whisper.
"I-" I sighed, "I am so uninterested in a life without her in it." I spoke softly and he looked taken back.
"Riggs-- I--" He stammered as I turned to leave, back to my trailer where I'd try to hide in my bottle.
--
I lifted my hand to ring the doorbell at the Murtaugh's because I was pulled into dinner. A dinner I wasn't excited about.
Roger and Trish left what felt like a million messages when I went MIA for two days.
I dropped my hand to my thigh as I sighed loudly, I wasn't sure if I could enter this house where so many things have happened.
I fell for her in this house, all the conversations and kisses shared within these walls.
I just couldn't bring myself to push that button.
I stepped backwards before the door swung open, "Martin, you came." Trish gave me a sympathetic smile.
"Barely. I haven't exactly made it into the house." I said rubbing the back of my neck.
She stepped aside, opening the door a little wider so that I could come in.
My heartbeat sped up, "Actually, I think I've got some, uh, paperwork to, um.." I was cut off as Roger walked over to the door, Trish gave him a look, and then walked past him.
"I just remembered I've got some work to catch up on," I said awkwardly and Roger sighed with his spatula in hand.
"Riggs, I'm sorry." He said as I stepped down the stairs, I turned and looked up at him.
"I didn't mean what I said earlier." He said and I slightly nodded, "I'll see you tomorrow, Rog." I spoke before I tried to walk to my truck again.
"Hey!" He hollered, "Yeah?" I sighed as I turned around once more.
"I will see you tomorrow, right?" He asked seriously, "You're not gonna like go home and.." He said before using his hands as a gun as he shot himself in the head.
I sighed as I looked away for a minute, thinking about how it would be such an easy out.
"No, not tonight." I said turning to leave again.
"But you want to? For real." He asked and I looked up at the sky for a minute before facing him.
"Yeah, I do. But, if it makes you feel any better," I said as I gently shrugged, my hands hitting my thighs, "I can't do it myself." I spoke honestly and sober, for the first time in weeks.
"And why's that?" Roger asked.
I tried to look at him but it seemed damn near impossible, I inhaled deeply as I finally did it.
"'Cause she'd be ashamed of me." I said and Roger's head hung for a second.
I sighed, "I'm going to the station for awhile." I said and he lightly nodded.
"Riggs?" He said and I looked over at him, "You know you can talk to me, and I'll listen." He said and I lightly smiled as I thanked him.
a/n this is kinda what happened after he tried to kill himself and before they found her, like this was the day they found her.
ALSO
change of plans, I ain't going on a hiatus