My heart stopped as I let her words sink in. Lauren shamefully bowed her head. She had her hands clenched together tightly. I didn't know what to say. I wasn't able to see her face so I can't see her expression right now. Soon I heard quiet sniffling from the girl, making me feel concerned. I immediately snapped out of my daze, instead moving closer to her and raised her face so that I look into her eyes. When her head was raised up, I felt my heart clench at the sight. She kept all her feelings bottled up and now she's letting it all out.
Lauren's eyes were bloodshot red from all the crying and her nose was slightly red as she sniffled. Her face was flushed as she cried helplessly. I swallowed the lump in my throat, feeling a rush of emotions. I cupped her cheeks and breathed through my nose. Lauren was openly crying by now, letting all her bottled up emotions out. I waited for her to calm down before we talk.
"I hate arguing with you." She says, her voice coming out as croaky and shaky. I smiled sympathetically as I brushed away the strands of hair that fell on her face. I kissed her cheek. After, I wiped away the tears on her face with the pad of my thumb. Lauren just kept sniffling and watched my movements carefully. "Me too..." I breathed out.
She stayed quiet for a few moments. She had her bottom lip in between her teeth, nibbling on it. "I'm sorry." She whispered, making me even more confused. I looked at her in confusion, "I don't know why you're apologizing. I should be the one who is apologizing to you. I didn't notice that you felt like that. I was oblivious." I replied. I fiddled with her fingers nervously, wiggling her fingers.
"But why couldn't you talk to me about it? We promised that we would tell each other whatever is bothering us". I asked. "I don't know. I just felt ashamed I guess? It was embarrassing for me to feel that way. You were getting all the attention that you deserved, the attention you were working hard for. Who am I to hold you back from your dream? If I told you how I felt, you would have worried too much. I mean, look at you. Simon Cowell wanted you to join his record label." She laughed humorlessly.
"I'm going to actually slap you if you keep underestimating yourself." Sternly, I told her with a blank face. "What makes you think you're holding me back?" I asked. Lauren looked down instead of answering. She just stayed quiet, leaving the question hanging in the air. I shook my head in disbelief. "Last week, I sang a song that I have written years ago. It was 'Bout You'." I told her. The raven-haired girl raised her head up in curiosity.
I haven't told her that the song was about her yet. She probably had suspicions, knowing that I never write songs with lyrics that I don't relate with or have never happened to me. She knows I write lyrics that means so much to me because I'm pouring all my emotions into the music that I write. She inspired me to write that song.
The song was about how I thought I was over her, but I wasn't. I couldn't stop thinking about her to the point that I stay up all night with her in my mind. I kept trying to convince myself that I was over her, even when I still felt something for her. She was on my mind 24/7, I still felt the lingering touch of her fingers on my skin, the way her lips move against mine. Her words kept replaying in my mind and that was when I realized that I still loved her.
"The song that I wrote was about you." I confessed and closed my eyes, feeling like I just stripped myself bare in front of her. Lauren widened her eyes in astonishment. "Me?" She shakily asked, pointing to herself. I nodded and bit my lip. "It was a song that I wrote after we broke up. I kept telling myself that I should let you go, but I couldn't. My heart still belonged to you and for the longest time, I kept convincing myself that I was over you. I wrote that song after realizing that still belonged to you."
"What do you want me to say after telling me all that?" Lauren stared at me, her hand clenching her shirt tightly. I just shook my head with a small smile playing on my lips, "You don't need to say anything. I'm still trying to convince you that you never held me back." I laughed as I tried to lighten the mood. Lauren nodded and ran her hand through her hair in frustration. I continued, "The same day that I performed that song, Simon Cowell was standing somewhere in the room, listening."
"My song caught his attention. Although, I never saw him last Sunday, he was somewhere watching me pour all my emotions out into the song. A few hours ago he told me that he was entranced by my music. The song made me connect with the audience. He told me that he liked when I sang 'Bout You' the most." I said. The green-eyed beauty tilted her head in confusion.
"What are you trying to tell me?"
"What I'm trying to tell you is that you were the inspiration for the songs that I write. If I never dated you, my songs would probably be horrible because you're not there. Haven't you noticed almost half of my songs are about you?" I laughed, reaching out to stroke her cheeks lovingly. She blushed deep red, hiding away her face from me so that I wouldn't be able to see her blushing face.
I laughed, leaving a kiss on her cheeks, lingering there for a moment before pulling back. "Is that true?" Lauren looked at me, not believing that I meant so much to her. Her eyes looked at me with hope. She hoped that I wasn't lying to her just because I'm trying to comfort her. "There you go underestimating yourself again. I already told you that you don't have to feel less of yourself." I sighed and grazed her cheekbones with my thumb. Smiling happily, Lauren moved her head, her lips grazing against my hand affectionately.
Do you ever have that nights when you feel like you can't fall asleep because someone is always on your mind? When you feel like you can't think straight as the thoughts keep playing in your mind, keeping you from falling asleep. The thoughts slowly invade your mind. I don't know if it's either insomnia or my mind is just way too lively at night.
Sighing in frustration, I turn to my side facing the blank wall. I kept turning as I try to fall asleep. My mind was too occupied by the green-eyed beauty for me to fall asleep peacefully. It was completely useless. It has only been seven months since and I'm still thinking about her even though I was the one who gave up. But I'm over her aren't I? I'm supposed to be over her because it's been seven months since. Yes, I should be over her.
But why is she still in my mind?
She left such an impact in my life that I can never remember a moment where I never thought of her. I couldn't tell whether I still loved her or just missed the connection we had back then. I keep trying to convince myself that I just missed the connection that we had. If only I can express myself in a way that no one may suspect a thing.
Groaning in frustration, I sat up from the bed fast. I leaned onto my elbows, tilting my head upwards to look at the ceiling. I tilt my head to the side and checked the time, only to groan in annoyance once more when I noticed it was 2:30 by now. I rubbed my face with my hands, trying to get myself to relax. It was still no use. Defeated, I stood up instead and walked towards the window. I opened the curtains and let the moonlight illuminate the dark room.
I searched for something to keep myself entertained seeing that I can never fall asleep nowadays. Looking around the room, my eyes landed on the keyboard that was just laying down beside my bed. My face lit up in excitement and I scrambled to get it. Smiling happily, I sat down on the carpet with my back against the bed, the piano resting on my thighs.
I played a few notes, just trying to keep myself entertained with the tunes that I'm producing. And it was as if my fingers automatically played the tune that I wrote a few days ago. I wasn't aware of it when my fingers easily glided on the keys. I was distracted, and my mind was too focused with the music.
"Pulling out the driveway
Looking in the rearview
Taken for a moment
Thinking that I saw you
As I throw this stranger a stare
Feel your fingers run through my hair
And I know that I shouldn't care
I shouldn't care"
My nimble fingers easily glided against the keys. I couldn't help but feel the music, making my singing even more passionate. Even though there's no audience watching me, I still felt like if I don't sing this song with so much passion, it's like I'm betraying myself. Music means so much to me and I wouldn't know what to do if it never existed. I closed my eyes and opened my mouth to sing the next part.
"And you know I hate to rewind
Just to pause on you for a time
But you still end up on my mine
You're on my mind
I've been thinking bout you
I've been thinking bout you
I've been thinking bout you
I've been thinking bout"
I couldn't stop the lone tear that escaped my tearing eyes. The only person that I thought of while singing this song was Lauren. We haven't spoken to each other in months. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to see me after what I did. I gave up on us but I still love her. I haven't lose hope that one day she will be better and treat herself that way she needs to be treated. I couldn't stand seeing her like that, especially knowing that I can't help her.
Sometimes I feel like I'm similar to Taylor Swift. We both write about love songs, heartbreak and such but the only difference is that I write my song for only one person. It was Lauren and it will always be Lauren.
I slammed my fist on the keyboard in frustration. The keyboard made an awful sound when my fist landed on its keys, immediately making me cover my ears at the irritating sound. Quietly, I put my keyboard away and picked up my phone. I sent a message to Dinah and Ally asking them to come tomorrow. After a few minutes, they both answered telling me that they will come tomorrow. I thankfully smiled to myself before closing my eyes.
In the morning, I woke up and it was already 9:00 AM. They were supposed to come at 10:00 AM so I still had time to get ready. I unluckily stood up and went down to make myself breakfast. Looking around the living room, I noticed that my parents and Sofi aren't here anymore. I shrugged before standing on my tiptoes to open the cabinets. I got the cereal box and closed it after.
I poured some milk and cereal into the bowl. I began eating the cereal in silence. Chewing a mouthful of cereal, I checked my phone for any messages only to see that my inbox was empty. Sighing, I pushed my phone away and it landed on the floor. Luckily, it was carpeted. I never get messages from her anymore. Sometimes I contemplate whether or not I should message her. I don't think that was a good idea to do though.
Walking over the counter, I crouched down and picked up my phone. I ungracefully plopped down on the couch with my phone in my hand. I leaned over to get the remote and turned on the TV, completely forgetting about the half-eaten bowl of cereal. My head rested against the armrest as the feet dangled at the other side. I swung them back and forth as I scrolled through Twitter.
After half an hour, the door busted open, revealing a worried looking Dinah and Ally. They looked around the room and then saw me laying down on the couch. Ally flashed me a small smile before they both walked over to me. Dinah and Ally stared at me, making me realize that I probably look like a mess. "Why do you look like you haven't slept in weeks?" Dinah asked while pointing at me.
I shrugged and chewed on my bottom lip, "It's because I haven't slept in weeks." I tried to joke but the two just stared at me unamused. I rolled my eyes. "Why the hell would you message us to come over the next at 2:30 in the morning?" Ally asks, her hands resting on her hips as it was cocked to the side. I shrugged once more, not opening my mouth to verbally answer Dinah and Ally. Ally shook her head, her hand rubbing her temples.
"Chancho, you would have never messaged us at 2:30 in the morning if something didn't bother you before." Dinah sighed out, making me silent. I gazed up at them shamefully, "I'm sorry." I whispered. "Don't apologize. It's not much of a hustle. Clearly something is bothering you so we only went here to help you." The shortest girl said. I gratefully smiled at the two girls. "So now that's aside. Tell us what's wrong Mila." Dinah ushered as they both sat down on the ground facing me.
"I haven't slept in days, girls. My mind is too fucking occupied. I thought that maybe if I told you guys to come tomorrow maybe we you can sleep over. Maybe that will help." I told them, moving up to sit on the couch. Ally smiled sympathetically. The shorter girl rubbed my knee comfortingly. But Dinah on the other hand... "Who were you thinking about though?" Dinah smirked, wiggling her eyebrows obnoxiously.
I rolled my eyes, sending her an unamused look just as Ally slapped her on the arm for implying something. Dinah winced and moved away from Ally with a pout. "Just kidding." She grinned sheepishly. Laughing, Ally turned to me, "Don't worry Milz. We're going to help you. It does look like you really need sleep." The girl joked and eyed my state up and down.
"Yeah, it's not healthy for you if you keep in neglecting your needs like that Mila." Dinah said. The Polynesian stood up and walked over to the kitchen counter, picking up the bowl of cereal, eyeing it. "I mean, you only eat half a bowl of cereal this morning. How is that enough to keep you up the day?"
I stayed silent as the two scolded me for my carelessness. Worried, Ally went over and washed the dishes that lay unwashed on the sink. "I swear if your mom doesn't notice this..." Ally trailed off as she washed the dishes. I felt like a child being scolded by their parents.
God, this is going to be harder than I thought.
Silence invaded the room but then I broke the silence when I said, "Let's move in together." Lauren immediately snapped her eyes open in shock. Her reaction only made me smile in amusement. "Um... What? We live together already." She laughed as she scratched the nape of her neck. I rolled my eyes when she stayed oblivious to what I was implying.
"I know but I want us to actually move in together. I want us to live together in a nice apartment in New York City where we can be as noisy as we want," I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively. "And where we can do whatever we want," I wiggled my eyebrows once more. "No but really, I want us to live in the same apartment instead of this cramped space that we live in." I said, gesturing towards our dorm.
"What made you think about moving in together?" Lauren asked. "I've been thinking about it for a while actually. I thought it would be good to tell you now." I shrugged and Lauren smiled happily with her pearly whites showing. "Of course I'll move in with you babe." She said before giving my lips a chaste kiss. "Oh my gosh." I said in disbelief.
"I can't wait to officially move in with you babe." Lauren said, smiling happily. I giggled under my breath, "Me too. I hope we can find an apartment that shows the beauty of New York City." I gushed, thinking about how the night would like. "I agree, I've always dreamed about living in an apartment here. And living here with you makes it even better." We stayed in each other arms silently, relishing the moment that we are having.
"Thanks for making me feel better about myself." Lauren laughed, her voice coming out as throaty. She wiped her cheeks that were stained with tears again. I just smiled and kept rubbing her cheeks affectionately. "Don't worry about it baby." I whispered, hesitantly leaning to kiss her lips. She immediately moved forwards and reciprocated the kiss. I smiled happily and moved my head to the side, deepening the already passionate kiss. Lauren held my chin between her fingers, maneuvering my head to kiss me.
I giggled before moving away. Grinning, Lauren wrapped her arms around my waist to tug me to her lap. I sat down on her lap with my arms around her neck, I was basically straddling her, my knees resting on the mattress between her hips. Smiling, my girlfriend looked up at me lovingly. I pecked her nose before saying, "I love you."
She grinned widely, "I love you too." I felt my heart flutter at her response. She also grazed the pad of her thumb on my hips. "I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier. I felt awful." The green-eyed beauty shamefully uttered, fiddling with my belt loops. I sighed, "Don't worry about it. You're already stressing too much about it." I said, only to squeal after when Lauren picked me up by my thighs, making me encircle her hips with my legs to hold myself up.
Smirking, she carried me up to make me sit on our study table but I still help myself steady with my legs wrapped around her. She had her hand on my thighs, gripping it gently. With our close proximity, I could feel her hot breath hit my lips. I felt in daze as I gaze at her pink full lips. Lauren might have noticed when she smiled cheekily and that made me want to wipe that smile off of her face so I did.
I roughly connected our lips together, making her groan into the kiss. We were in a heated make out session when I moved my hands to her hair and tugged on it. Her grip on my thigh became tighter as the kiss escalated. Soon her tongue slipped in my mouth, making our tongue dance gracefully against each other.
It didn't take too long when we needed to break apart. After disconnecting our lips, Lauren moved to my neck, sucking and nibbling on it. I tilt my head to the side to give her more access. I swear I could feel her smirk as she bit my neck. I was breathing heavily at this point, feeling too much pleasure. My hand stayed on her hair, tugging on it when she bit on a nice spot.
"Let me make it up to you." Lauren smirked.
_
The girls and I decided to have a night out. We were busy doing different things so this is the probably the first time we all hang out in a week. Lauren and I were just waiting for the girls outside. It's been five minutes and we're already bore just waiting for them. Chewing on my bottom lip, I watch as Lauren leaned her back against the wall and began examining her nails. I just stood beside her but I squealed when she pulled me closer by my belt loops.
My back was against her chest and her arms were around my waist. Grinning in mischief, Lauren rested her chin on my head. "So are you gonna tell the girls about the record deal?" She asked as she nibbled on my ear playfully. I laughed and pushed her face away, "Mhmm, I plan on telling them today actually." I said. "You better tell them. They're going to be so proud of you babygirl." She says, grinning. I stayed quiet, not sure whether I was making the right decision or not.
After another five minutes, the girls finally came around. We planned on going to the mall. Ally drove us to the mall. The car ride consisted of us jamming out to the songs that played on the radio and to us talking about the most random things. It didn't take long for us to finally arrive at the wall. We quickly scrambled outside the car in excitement. "Damn, we haven't went out all together in weeks." Normani noted as we walked inside the mall.
"Yeah, I missed hanging out with you guys." I agreed. Lauren had her right hand linked with my left hand. "Mhmm, we've been busy after all." Ally said. "I honestly hate my job as a waitress because my boss is an ass. I should've gotten a job like Mila's, I'd get to see more of that Julia girl." Dinah playfully winked, making me roll my eyes. "She flirted with my Camz though." Lauren pouted, protectively wrapping her arms around my waist.
"Lo, she already apologized." I giggled and kissed her cheek. "I know but still..." She whined childishly, making the four us laugh. "Let's go shopping before we watch a movie." Normani suggested. We mumbled agreements before entering a small shop. The girls and I went our own way trying to find clothes that fit our style. Lauren and I stayed with each other though.
I was just picking out some clothes that fit my style as I hummed to myself when I heard a snicker from beside me. Turning my head, my jaw literally dropped. Lauren smirked as she help up a set of lingerie in front of me. Nervously, I noticed it was all black and laced. "Maybe you can model this for me in private." Lauren winked, pulling me by my waist. I gasped and hit her on the shoulder. "Ow, come on. You will look beautiful in this. I want to buy this one for you. I'll even use my card." The photographer joked, although I couldn't tell whether she's actually joking.
I rolled my eyes before taking the set of lingerie from her hands, surprising the Latina in front of me even more. "What? You're actually going to let me buy it for you?" The girl laughed nervously with her face flushed. Smirking devilishly, I winked at her. "Yes, now come with me." I tugged her hand to make her come with me to the nearest dressing room but not before checking if the girls saw us.
Mischievously, I made Lauren wait outside the dressing room as I stripped from my clothes and wore the item she bought me. After I was completely satisfied with what she bought me, I checked myself in the mirror one last time before opening the door and quickly pulling her in by the hand. Lauren squealed in surprise but then gasped when she saw me. I swear I heard her make a sound under her breath.
"Holy shit babygirl." She growled, her hands immediately landing on my ass. She gave it a hard squeeze, making me breathlessly moan. I put my arms around her neck, pulling her head down to look me in the eye. "What do you think of it babe?" I asked breathlessly, only to receive another growl from her. "Gorgeous." She said. Her eyes were dilated and they became darker than normal.
Lauren's soft hands moved against my waist lovingly. A shiver run down my spine as I felt her breath hit my neck. She moved her head down to nibble and lick down to my neck and shoulder. I was breathing heavily when her nips became rougher. I gripped her hair tightly, guiding her to my spot. "Baby we can't. Not here." I said. I wasn't able to form full sentences when she's doing this to me.
I heard Lauren chuckle deeply. "Tonight babygirl." She winked before going outside the dressing room. I stood there silently, processing the event that transpired earlier. I had to compose myself and make myself presentable before I slipped my clothes on. I checked myself if I looked like I wasn't hit by a tornado before going outside and locking my fingers with Lauren silently. We walked towards the cashier just to see the girls waiting by there.
They stopped their conversation when they saw me. "Guess who finally came back." Normani teased, making our faces flush in embarrassment. "Just forgot about the time." Lauren tried to make up excuses but the girls were relentless. "Well what about that hickey on Camila's neck. That wasn't there earlier." Dinah noted with a smirk while pointing at the purple bruise on my neck.
"I- No- Fuck it." I gave up. The girls laughed at me, even Lauren who was the cause of my embarrassment. Rolling my eyes, I just let Lauren pay for the lingerie while I buy my own clothes with a pout. After that we went to watch a movie. It was enjoyable, even though I haven't even heard of the movie once. We went out to eat after.
The girls and I sat down at with our food at McDonald's. We started talking about our week but I was my mind was too occupied for me to pay attention. Lauren noticed and sent me an encouraging smile, also giving my hand a squeeze. I raised my head up, looking at them, uncertain. "Guys, I have something to tell you." I breathed out nervously before taking a deep breath. The girls ceased their conversation, turning to me in confusion instead.
"What is it Milz?" Ally asked as she ushered me to tell us what I meant by that. "Um... Well. I actually talked to someone a few days ago. They gave me a deal and asked me if I'm going to accept their deal and sign their contract." I said to them. They gave each other weird looks. "You talked to someone? Who was it?" Normani asked, taking a sip of her drink. "It was Simon Cowell." I finally said, making Normani choke on her drink in astonishment.
"Simon fucking Cowell?" Dinah gasped. She covered her mouth with her hand. I nodded with a small smile, "Yeah, he offered me a deal. Apparently I caught his attention last week when I sang at the bar." I chuckled. I began fiddling with my rings in nervousness. "Oh my God." Ally gushed with wide eyes in surprise. "I'm so happy for you!" Ally jumped out of her chair and engulfed me in a tight hug. I hugged her back just as tightly.
Lauren gazed at us with a happy smile on her face. "I swear Mila... You're growing up too fast!" Normani joked. The Texan leaned over the table and gave me a congratulatory hug. Then I turned to Dinah who was had gigantic grin on her face, "Gosh Walz, I can't believe it. Your efforts finally payed off and you have your dream in your hands! I'm so so happy for you." Sighing, the Polynesian girl gave me a bear hug that left me breathless.
I felt bad. I'm going disappoint them again. They have their hopes up, thinking that I was brave enough to accept the record deal. But I'm not. I'm content with my life right now. I wouldn't mind just singing at a bar. I don't think I have enough courage to make such a huge change in my life. Just like Simon told me, everything will change once I sign the contract. Even if being a singer is my dream, I don't want to change a thing in my life right now.
I felt like I was being pressured as the girls kept praising and praising me. I made up my mind and I'm going to tell them how I feel. "Girls..." I chuckled humorlessly under my breath, meeting their eyes nervously. "I'm not going to sign the record deal." There. I finally said. The girls sat there quietly, not knowing how to react. Even Lauren didn't expect my sudden confession. "What?" My girlfriend asked. She cupped my cheeks, turning my head to face her.
"I can't accept the record deal. I'm sorry if I disappointed you girls but I can't." I shamefully looked down at my lap, fiddling with the ends of my shirt. There was an awkward silence in the air before Dinah broke it, asking "Why?" I raised my head up, silently asking what she meant by that. "I mean, why can't you accept the deal? It's been your dream since you were a child and it just caught me off guard, you know. Suddenly making a huge decision like that..."
"I want to finish college. I want to graduate with you guys. I want to finish my last year of college without worrying about my schedule or any meeting with Simon Cowell. Maybe someday but I don't want to change a thing right now." Lauren sighed, turning my head to peck my lips. "If that's what you want baby. We don't have the right to interfere with your decision." She lovingly says as she leaned her forehead against mine. "Thank you, Lo."
"We're still going to support you throughout Camila. If that's going to make you happy, then we respect that." Ally states, giving my hand a comforting squeeze. "Yeah, Mila. Now you can say to people that you got a record deal from Simon Cowell." Normani winked playfully, earning a chuckle from me. "Thanks for all the support guys."
"Only for you baby." The green-eyed woman says. She put her fingers under my chin, moving to connect our lips in a loving kiss.