Bonus: First Entry: [+1]
★EDEN KARAM★
Score: 13
Notes 1: I was overall impressed by your entry here--the way you described everything. The one factor of this that left me bothered, if anything, was the fact that you have killer birds for a task and you have them...talk to her? The entire entry? And then, as though you'd forgotten and rushed to add it in, had them attack at the very ending? It's good, and your writing was strong, but I'd like to have seen MORE from Eden of the task. You left with questions, which is a lazy writer's way of saying 'in the next part I'm going to have a paragraph of how they got away'. I don't like lazy writing. Your ending sentence, however, was striking and a nice addition, and almost made up for the lazy approach.
Notes 2: Eden never fails to send chills up my body. She's so delightfully bright and creepy all at once. What you did include of the birds I really liked, although I do wish I could have seen more. Eden seems to be dealing with a lot and I'm excited to see how that pans out into the next tasks. I will agree with the other judge in saying while the writing was strong, the entry read short to me and I felt like something was missing.
★VIOLANTE MERCY GRINNELL★
Score: Automatic 14
★LAURUS ENZO★
Score: Automatic 12
★NEPTUNE SCYLLA★
Score: 11
Notes 1: I'm enjoying how you've portrayed Neptune. She's not like her form, but I like it nonetheless. What I will say, however, is that your sentences all begin the same way. This is something everyone struggles with, honestly, and can be hard to fix, but it's worth it if you can. Another thing you might need to remember is that telling isn't always bad, but showing is still usually good to use. I know you said you're working on that, and I think you've improved, but I need to see more of this improvement.
Notes 2: Every task you get a little bit better and I'm so proud to see it. Your action has significant improvement and I can definitely feel a lot more of her emotions. You had my heart breaking more than a few times. Just keep working at it and continue improving, you'll do just fine.
★PERCY COLE★
Score: 13.7
Notes 1: He, he, he. No, I'm not laughing at you. (Yes I am. I loved him yelling at the birds and literally, not figuratively, laughed at loud.) You repeat this word he a lot and I've noticed that. Otherwise, this is pretty much fine. I'm loving Percy--like, a lot. You're displaying these traits about him that are so realistic--I cannot express how pleased I am to see someone who knows what they're writing about. (If you don't, you bullshit very fine.)
Notes 2: I'm seeing a lot of coping mechanisms in Percy's character, which is an interesting take because out of all the competitors, he seems to be one of the ones most affected by his first games. This was a really, really good task for you and your birds were excellently portrayed. That ending line made my heart drop.
★CONSTANTINE CRANE★
Score: 12.8
Notes 1: I enjoyed how you wrote here, but like Percy, I'll get onto you for that use of he. If this was first person, there would be so much "I" that I'd walk right out. I think that you also don't have to place italics around Cadette's use of other names--we kinda get that it's not him already. I like this, but I felt a strange lack of emotion, as though we weren't connected to Constantine as we could have been. Was this intentional, or is this something you merely forgot to consider when writing? (Think this to yourself, like this is one of those fancy classes where you never actually give an answer. Unless you're Allen, that guy who says his answer aloud every time.)
Notes 2: Constantine's interaction with other characters is some of my favorite in the competition. You write different individuals together and I can see it in my head. I will say that you do tend to use the word "he" an aggravated amount. At times, it feels to me like Constantine is almost exasperated by what's going on around him. Is that intentional? (Also, what happened to your signature face? We missed it.)
★HERZEL KOZLOWSKI★
Score: 13.2
Notes 1: Every task I wonder if both you and Eden have a list of advanced words you have to use in your entries and every task you beat Eden, (just barely at times), and it amuses me. It's interesting to note that the words fit nicely into your writing, and that your writing itself has a very nice approach, the voice clearly showing through. There are a few paragraphs and places where your wording can throw me off (things that are good, but if you had switched something up, could have been better). With that, all I can say is that if you read things aloud or get someone else to look over it you can normally find things like that. It's not much, but then again, I didn't have much complaints with this.
Notes 2: Vocabulary and I are secretly eloped, and sweetie you make me remember how much I love it. This was a great task, it had a very good balance of scenery and internal thought and the idea of the seawater burning (which it would, of course) was an idea that most of our competitors looked over. My only critique is to read over your works, if you have the time, before you send them in. There are little places scattered throughout where your sentences seem broken and don't flow how they should.
★SEBASTIAN MERCIER★
Score: 11
Notes 1: I don't know if it truly was, but your entry read short. I enjoyed it, but I didn't get any sense of real...emotion. I thought I'd feel more fear, given what was happening in your entry, or more action, but neither came through. While your writing is good, you need to work on polishing your entries, and checking through to see if things like your pacing, or emotions, could come through stronger. Ask yourself what you could do to improve--pretend it's not your entry. Basically, if you distance yourself, you'll be better at editing and improving--which is really all I can say, because this was fairly well, just not up to standard.
Notes 2: Emotion was a big one for me as well. I wanted to feel a lot of confusion and fear and pain this task, but with Sebastian it didn't come through as well as it has in the past. You did improve significantly from last task, and you're almost back to where I know you're writing should be. Pacing and emotions can make or break a good entry. If the writing is good but the character doesn't compare, points get lost.
★ADEL ASLET★
Score: 12 [-3] 9
Notes 1: Your entry was good, but there was a lack of task that brought down your score. (that, and being late.) If you had written more, or managed your time better so you could have, this would have been a lot better. I'm looking for better time-management and more writing from you.
Notes 2: Taking points off of this entry was physically painful for me. It was short, but the interaction between Hertzel and Adel really made me laugh. (Drake is definitely a sociopath by this point, thank you for noticing.) I know the weather got in the way of you sending in on time, but if I have to take on mother nature for you to get these entries in, so help me I will.
★ATHENA OLIVE★
Score: No Entry
★JOSEF THOMAS★
Score: 12
Notes 1: I enjoyed your entry, honestly. You have some parts with grammar that could be fixed, and I think you'd do with working on being more creative in the ideas used, but otherwise I enjoyed this. You also might want to make certain that your dialogue tags aren't all too varied. While some may say it's great to use more than just said, there are times where it makes your writing stand out in a bad way. Don't hate said or asked as tags--rather, relish in the fact that, when used properly (not too much, not too little) they can slyly allow your story to shine more.
Notes 2: This was a really, really good entry from you. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Like the other judge mentioned, a lot of people go out of their way to avoid "said" and "asked" as dialogue tags. Personally, I think that more often than not, they flow right into an entry without taking up too much space or pulling me from the story.
★KIEFER ELWOOD★
Score: Automatic 12 [+1] 13
★ASHRE RELICKS★
Score: 13.4
Notes 1: I love your style, and I LOVED how your first part READ like a dream. Do you know how hard that is? Pat yourself on the back. Now stop, don't let that get to your head, because I want to remind you that while your style is beautiful, one thing you have to remember is that it can get a bit hard to read at times, which takes it down a bit. At times you seem to try a bit too hard--not enough to lower your score, but over the course of a games, when your score doesn't really improve or deprove too much, you just get stuck in a rut where your writing is good, but there's no distinction between one task and the next. Don't let yourself stay there.
Notes 2: You are on a winning streak, aren't you? Ashre reads beautifully and I expected nothing less. At times, I know that the poetic and flowery language can weigh down a story and make it confusing, but I had no real trouble following along. There was a little dispute over whether or not it was raining in your entry because of this, though. I can feel a plot twist coming on, and I'm ready for it.
★VALENTINE RACHMANINOFF★
Score: 11.8
Notes 1: To respond to your note--don't ever hope others were worse. Hope that you can write better next time. I know what it's like to have an entry deleted--five times, yep, I've been there. I've lost hundreds of thousands of words and I'm not exaggerating, though I do wish I was, because a lot of them were words I loved. It's hard losing something that you wrote on, and I'm sorry that you have to go through that. Nonetheless, that shouldn't change your entry. You had a good entry here, but that's all you had. It didn't stand out, there wasn't anything that made me go 'Wow this is great!'. It was good, but I'd like to see more from you. That ending was cute, however.
Notes 2: Valentine, Valentine, Valentine, what are we going to do with you? Keep you, I suppose and continue to grow excited as you continue to improve. Your entry was good, but the biggest problem I found with it was that after I finished reading, it didn't stay with me. You have a very good style and a very good character, but you need to add more power to your words. You sound unsure of yourself.
★EVELYN GRAY★
Score: 11.7
Notes 1: I loved your beginning and ending, though I do think you could have worked the idea of loneliness in a bit better. Overall, your entry was good, but this is the part of the games where we start cracking down on your entries with metaphorical whips. I hit you hard, I apologize, but I want to say that the reason, like with some others, is that there merely wasn't enough to make your entry better. I'd like to see more from you, to see you try harder, because I'm certain you can do that. Things like grammar and creatively bring you down, especially when you have a good entry and do the task, but you didn't go out of the task. I'd like to see more of the creativeness known to writers.
Notes 2: Evelyn is a sad character, and she always breaks my heart to read. She's flooded with guilt and it shows through very distinctly. Keep her voice, and guard it with your life because what you have is fantastic. Try and incorporate more of the task in with what you do, however. This seems to be a reoccurring theme with your entries. You focus so much on Evelyn that you don't pay enough attention to what else should be happening. Balance it.
★SEQUOIA "MADAME" CARLISLE★
No Entry
★CADETTE LANCE★
Score: 12.3
Notes 1: Realism was what got you here--while this is good and all, I want you to remember that Cadette is 75. My grandma is eighty, and when she was seventy, she tripped down two stairs, landed on a car (parked, meaning she basically caught her balance on that car), and broke her foot. Barely tripped, broke foot. Woman are worse off than men, I believe. For anyone over 65 years old, falls are the leading cause of death. Saying she's fallen this much, and having her fall in entry, and not addressing any broken bones, or even deep bruises? That's something I'd like to see more of. My grandma lives with a bunch of other old people in a retirement apartment complex and I've spent MANY a time there with them, so I know a lot about what happens when they fall. Sixty year olds can trip and have lasting bruises for months. Heck, I'm young and I slipped the other day and had a bruise on my butt for over three weeks. Really, just make certain to remember that age isn't just a mental concept. Other than that, I enjoyed your entry.
Notes 2: Cadette's entry honestly scared me a little bit. I could feel a lot of her emotions and confusion very well and it stuck with me long after I finished reading. I like your portrayal of her mental state, but like the other judge I have concerns for her physical one. She's trying to keep up with Constantine, and that's good, but she doesn't always read like the elderly woman I know she is.