Author Games: Victors Of The Arena

Task Three: Notes and Scores

Bonus: First Entry: [+1]

★EDEN KARAM★

Score: 13

Notes 1: I was overall impressed by your entry here--the way you described everything. The one factor of this that left me bothered, if anything, was the fact that you have killer birds for a task and you have them...talk to her? The entire entry? And then, as though you'd forgotten and rushed to add it in, had them attack at the very ending? It's good, and your writing was strong, but I'd like to have seen MORE from Eden of the task. You left with questions, which is a lazy writer's way of saying 'in the next part I'm going to have a paragraph of how they got away'. I don't like lazy writing. Your ending sentence, however, was striking and a nice addition, and almost made up for the lazy approach.

Notes 2: Eden never fails to send chills up my body. She's so delightfully bright and creepy all at once. What you did include of the birds I really liked, although I do wish I could have seen more. Eden seems to be dealing with a lot and I'm excited to see how that pans out into the next tasks. I will agree with the other judge in saying while the writing was strong, the entry read short to me and I felt like something was missing. 

★VIOLANTE MERCY GRINNELL★

Score: Automatic 14

★LAURUS ENZO★

Score: Automatic 12

★NEPTUNE SCYLLA★

Score: 11

Notes 1: I'm enjoying how you've portrayed Neptune. She's not like her form, but I like it nonetheless. What I will say, however, is that your sentences all begin the same way. This is something everyone struggles with, honestly, and can be hard to fix, but it's worth it if you can. Another thing you might need to remember is that telling isn't always bad, but showing is still usually good to use. I know you said you're working on that, and I think you've improved, but I need to see more of this improvement.

Notes 2: Every task you get a little bit better and I'm so proud to see it. Your action has significant improvement and I can definitely feel a lot more of her emotions. You had my heart breaking more than a few times. Just keep working at it and continue improving, you'll do just fine. 

★PERCY COLE★

Score: 13.7

Notes 1: He, he, he. No, I'm not laughing at you. (Yes I am. I loved him yelling at the birds and literally, not figuratively, laughed at loud.) You repeat this word he a lot and I've noticed that. Otherwise, this is pretty much fine. I'm loving Percy--like, a lot. You're displaying these traits about him that are so realistic--I cannot express how pleased I am to see someone who knows what they're writing about. (If you don't, you bullshit very fine.)

Notes 2:  I'm seeing a lot of coping mechanisms in Percy's character, which is an interesting take because out of all the competitors, he seems to be one of the ones most affected by his first games. This was a really, really good task for you and your birds were excellently portrayed. That ending line made my heart drop. 

★CONSTANTINE CRANE★

Score: 12.8