I ran for a day and a half before I felt confident that I was not being followed. My thoughts drifted back to Natalie as I sat down in the corner booth of a small café and pulled the envelope out of my pocket. I opened it slowly, careful not to tear it as I removed the contents. It included everything Natalie had promised – all new and official documents, including a license, passport, social security card and an offshore bank statement that appears to have been recently created in my name, with far more money than I'd ever need to start over. I could buy a mansion with this."
I shook my head feeling horrible to have taken these from her, especially since I didn't know where the money came from. In her new position, she'd easily be able to have the documents made up, but that didn't explain the money.
Mixed in with everything else was a handwritten letter. I pulled it out and unfolded the sheet. To my surprise, it wasn't in Natalie's handwriting, but I still recognized it like I would my own.
I started reading, but the further I got, the harder it was to read as my eyes blurred with tears...
"Tobias,
The way of the world is a mystery. Rarely do we get the chance to do everything in our lives that we want as a new mystery or unplanned event could be hiding around the next corner. I've known my fate for some time now. Natalie and I have both known this was coming. It started long before you even joined Dauntless. I had to play my part, as did she. Unfortunately, you were caught in the middle only because you were being a good man. We had both hoped you would walk away from this war without any additional scars, but as it turned out, it was not to be. Because of your loyalty to your friends, you were wrongfully grouped with the rest of us – the real traitors and terrorists.
I say 'us' because I, myself, am one of them. I was the second leader to sign the contract with Erudite. Not because I wanted to, or because I believed in the cause, but because we needed time to determine who was worth saving and who was not. I had to do horrible things, even kill innocent people, to convince the other leaders of my loyalty to the new Dauntless. Natalie needed time to make the right connections and accept her new position in the World Wide Terror Resistance, the organization that has now replaced Dauntless. I signed the contract to save those worthy of being saved, always expecting you to be one of them.
My life comes to an end soon, as I have been sentenced to death for my crimes. Please understand I knowingly sealed my fate the moment I signed the contract. But I will not let you go down with me. Together, Natalie and I have been able to recreate your identity and included in this letter is my life savings. Take it with you. Use it to buy a home, go back to school, and maybe even start a family. I know you will make me proud, just as you always have. You are the son I never had, and I will always love you as my son, even after I'm gone.
Don't look back and don't regret your past. Dauntless was a great collection of heroes for a long time and that is what you will always be. It is to your advantage that Dauntless was secret. You won't be shown on television or wanted posters because you were not supposed to exist in this role.
You are free to continue the life you deserve. Just keep a low profile, obey the laws and you should never have a problem or be discovered. Be brave. Amar"
Below his name, written in Natalie's handwriting, was a time of death, almost exactly 36 hours ago.
I swallowed hard as I wiped the flow of tears on my sleeve because I realized that Amar was being put to death just as Natalie was helping me escape. The badge she used must have been from one of the guards I passed on my way out. Most of the ranking officers would have been away to witness Amar's execution, leaving Natalie free to come to my aid. One other thing must have crossed their minds: they had to wait until it was too late to save Amar to set me free because then, and only then, would I have agreed to this plan.
There was nothing I could do now. I'd never get to say goodbye or thank him for showing me how a father should treat his son. Never get to tell him how I truly felt because I once believed it made me look weak. And I'd never be able to thank him for saving my life for the umpteenth time.
A waitress dressed as a Dolly Parton look-alike approached my booth from behind the baked goods counter, smiling brightly. "What can I get for you darlin'?" She took a closer look at me, easily picking up on the fact that I was trying to hide my tears. "A tissue maybe?" She looked at me like I was a kicked puppy.
"No. I'm fine. Thank you." The words were barely audible.
I said it to dismiss her, but she didn't get the hint. "Oh, come on sugar. Tell Betty what's wrong." That's when she sat beside me, forcing her hip to push me further into the booth. Her arm wrapped around my shoulders as she ran her fingertips through my hair.
"I said I was fine!" I didn't mean to yell, but my tone was enough to make her jump out of the booth and return to her spot behind the counter, whispering to another waitress beside her.
Yes, I felt bad, but I wasn't in the mood to make friends. In fact, it would be safer if I never made friends ever again, both for my benefit and theirs. This was the first time I played the asshole card, and as horrible as it was, I knew it was a card I'd play again in the future. I'd keep it up my sleeve for easy access from now on. If nobody liked me, it would be easier to walk away, even disappear if I had to. I needed it to be this way, because I knew I could never walk away from another person I cared about without completely losing myself. Amar's money would be put to good use and I'd make sure he didn't die in vain. I'd spend my life making up for all the horrible things I'd done during my time with Dauntless and try to convince myself along the way that I was worthy of this second chance I'd been given.
***
It really wasn't all that long ago that I was given a second chance, although it feels like an entirely different lifetime. In fact, every moment before I met Tris feels like a different lifetime. She made me feel things I'd never felt before, and for a short time convinced me that life really was worth living. I don't want to go on without her. Even after my memory is wiped, I doubt I'll be allowed to just walk out of here completely free. And if somehow I am, will I hurt her by not remembering what we had found together? I can't help but think she will be better off without me; free to continue the life she wanted before I messed everything up. I know I should let her go. I just don't know how to tell her.
My memory wipe is scheduled for this afternoon. Tris has been given permission to visit me one last time before my past goes blank and she becomes just another face in the crowd. I can't imagine how I could ever forget her, but I know how powerful these serums are. I have to prepare her for what's to come.
The lock on the door clicks and Tris comes running in, stopping short of the nearly invisible barrier that separates us. She puts her palms flat against the pane. I smile at her and repeat the gesture. Our hands now only separated by the one-inch thick faux glass.
"Well, aren't you two sweet." Natalie strolls in behind Tris, a confident bounce in her step. I know this is all an act for Tris' sake.
"Mom, you can't let them do this." Tris is trying to hold herself together, but I hear the tears in her voice and it feels like a dagger through my heart.
Natalie enters the code to my cell and Tris flings the door open before running into my arms. I pull her as close to me as I can, breathing in her fragrance, a smell that automatically calms me.
"Four, I know I should be happy. You get to live. But I still feel like I'm losing you. You don't deserve this. You're a hero not a terrorist." She buries her face in my shirt as I stroke her hair gently.
"I know you see me like that, but I'm not a hero. I'm dangerous, and the world will be a safer place if I forget what I'm capable of. I'll be a better person if I can't remember the terrible things I've done. And you'll be better off without me."
She shakes her head, "No...no, you're wrong."
I cup her cheeks in my hands and wipe her tears away with my thumbs. "You had everything in order before you met me – your school, your career, your whole future. And now, you have your mother back. You'll have a lot of catching up to do. I can't be selfish. I can't ask you to wait for me, because who I am right now...I don't think he'll ever be coming back."
A guard comes through the hallway door. "Time to go, Eaton."
I take a deep breath to steady myself, pushing the fear to the back of my mind so I can stay strong for her. "I will always love you, Tris. My brain may forget who you are, but my heart never will." I bring my lips to meet hers one last time. I hold on to that moment, savoring every last second I have with her. I form a complete mental picture of her beautiful face, her vibrant smile. I'll forever remember the delicate floral scent that lingers on my cheeks and clothes every time I hold her close. I'll always recall her intoxicating laugh that could brighten my darkest mood and how a single touch of her hand would make me feel alive long after we'd separated. I will always have a taste of her tears linger on my lips, salty and sweet at the same time.
The armed guard enters my cell, grabbing my arms to latch a pair of handcuffs around my wrists. I don't resist. I know it would just make it harder for Tris to watch if I struggle. I look back as I'm led out to the hallway. Tris has fallen to her knees and her mother is beside her, holding her close to comfort her.
Natalie meets my eyes one last time before theydisappear from my view. A tear glistens on her cheek as I say a final goodbye tothe two most important women in my life. "Be Brave." I say out loud as I hearTris completely break down.