After a very long, very hot shower and many many tears I'd resolved enough was enough, 'it is what it is' I reminded myself of my own mantra. Our relationship had been doomed before it had began and I'd known that from the start. The more I analysed the last week the more I questioned which of us had been the more naive. I shook my head in disbelief when I remembered how certain I'd been I'd be able to sleep with him and not get emotionally involved...ah jeez who had I been kidding. But was my faux par any worse than John harbouring the hope I'd give up my place at university?
I blew out a long breathe of relief as I realised things could have been so much worse. I blanched as I considered what would have happened if I'd ever seriously considered not going and instead staying with John. I felt sick as I pictured myself sat in my room in a months time wondering where it had all gone wrong and how I'd been so very, very stupid. No matter how much I had tried to delude myself I had always known John couldn't be satisfied with what I could offer him...which was pretty much nothing. No matter how much my fractured heart protested I knew it was for the best.
I'd woke Saturday morning to my phone dancing on the wooden top of my bedside cabinet, my heart fluttered as I grabbed at it hoping to hear John's voice at the other end of the line. What I wanted him to say...well I have no idea.
"Hello hello hello" I sighed deflated as I registered it was Clare's voice.
"Hiya" I answered unable to hide my disappointment and castigating myself for hoping it was John in the first place.
"Erm everything alright?" She asked, clearly surprised by my greeting.
"I'm fine" I tried again in as bright a tone as I could muster.
"Ok good so...tonight" she began "I know you are leaving in the morning but you're still up for a session tonight right?" I knew it wasn't a question more an instruction.
"Actually I've got a really early drive so I can't be getting drunk or anything" I started with my excuses. Ok so I'd told myself I was fine, I had accepted what had happened but the thought of going out mixing with people was not on my agenda for today. I was thinking more of sulking, possibly having the odd little cry when no-one was looking and possibly consuming a huge bar of chocolate. Yeah, I just wasn't sure I could manage to put on a brave face all night.
"Ok I hear you, so you won't get shit faced but surely a goodbye tipple with your mates, I mean what other plans have you got?" She counter argued.
"I'm having a family meal..."
"Yeah but after the last supper" she cut me off mid sentence "A swift half in The Dragon must sound better than sitting in, bored silly by yourself" she argued.
I hadn't told her things between John and I had progressed from a quick kiss goodnight so she had no idea I wanted to hide away in my room until I could escape to my new life and forget the last week altogether.
"I'll take that as a yes" she gloated down the receiver "I'll tell everyone else and we'll meet you in there at 8pm." She didn't bother to wait for my answer and she hung up the phone before I had a chance to tell her I wasn't going.
'Fuck it!' I resolved at half seven and quickly got ready for the pub.
By the time I got there about a dozen of my friends had gathered around a couple of tables at the far end of the bar. I focused my attention on the group of familiar, smiling faces as I walked through the pub, resisting the urge to scan the room for the one face I both desperately wanted to see and at the same time dreaded.
"Jen, Jen" Clare yelled as I approached as she waved frantically at me. So much for a quiet entrance I thought as I ducked quickly into the vacant seat she'd obviously been saving next to her. "Drink up" she instructed handing me a now warm bottle of beer. I thanked her and headed straight to the bar for a glass, as I waited to catch the attention of one of the bar staff I was aware Rob was standing at the other end of the bar. I felt my breathe hitch and my heart pound as with a panic I hoped John wasn't with him. Oblivious to my growing nausea he smiled warmly to me and made the universal sign for 'would you like a drink?' (Invisible glass to the lips) I shook my head, declining his offer, conscious I was hyperventilating at the thought of coming face to face with John I reached over the bar and grabbed a glass, holding it up hoping he'd understand I already had a drink and just needed the empty glass.
"I'm going to miss you" Clare slurred as she threw a clumsy arm over my shoulder. I looked at my watch it was only a quarter past eight there was no way she had only got here fifteen minutes before me, she was well on her way to being pissed.
I'd been so concerned with Clare and her obscene alcohol level I hadn't noticed the body sitting uncomfortably close to me until I felt a hand on my knee.
"Can I get you a drink?" Enquired the owner of the unwanted hand.
"Erm no I'm alright thanks" I replied awkwardly, as I looked up into Mike eager face. I shuffled closer to Clare so his hand fell off my leg and I busied myself in conversation with my clearly intoxicated best friend.
After a couple of minutes of listening to her incomprehensible ramblings I decided she needed water, probably a lot of water. Rather than wait to be served I slipped behind the bar and found Annie the landlady.
"Hiya" I said brightly as she hugged me close to her "is it ok if I just grab a glass of water?" I asked as we separated.
"Sure love help yourself." She answered happily. I thanked her and grabbed some glasses and headed for the ice buckets.
"I'd like some service bar maid" a familiar woman's voice boomed at me from across the bar. I knew who it was but I ignored her and continued with what I was doing. "I said I wanted serving!" She demanded as she raised her voice so those around her stopped their conversations and stared between the two of us uncomfortably. I didn't need to turn round to know it was Ang .
"What can I get for you?" Annie's voice cut through as she made her way from the end of the bar to where our stand off was.
"I want her to serve me" she scowled the word 'her, and despite having my back to her a knew she was looking at me with a look of undisguised disgust.
"Well tough, either I serve you or you don't get served." Annie dead panned daring Ang to challenge her. I didn't stick around I poured water into the two pint glasses I'd half filled with water and exited the bar as quickly as I could.
I sat on the other side of Clare and made her shuffle over to Mike so I could put the whole of my behind on the seat and avoid any more uncomfortable conversations with him. I sipped my tepid beer as I wondered how much longer I needed to stay before I could make my excuses and escape. For the next twenty minutes I avoided looking away from my small group of friends, I didn't have any fight in my for a stand off with Ang and whoever was with her. Although I hadn't seen him I suspected John was either sat with her and Rob or would be arriving anytime.
Mike had gone the bar and returned with a drink for me. He held the drink out to me and pushed his way into an invisible gap between Clare and me. Once again sitting next to me he touched me at every opportunity, tapping my hand before he spoke to get my attention, making sure he was sat so close to me the sides of our bodies were almost flush, touching my arm when he spoke and dropping his hand so it brushed my leg when he didn't. When he touched my face under the pretence of removing a stray eyelash I couldn't stand it anymore.
I remembered what John had said that night in the club and how I'd looked at him like he was being stupid when he'd suggested Mike had made physical contact whenever he could. At the time I hadn't even noticed but now I wondered if I was more aware of my body and how it responded to touch, even unwanted.
I stood up with the aim of getting as much distance between the two of us as possible. As I lifted my face to try and decide where I could escape to my eye scanned the bar unconsciously and stopped dead. I knew the colour had drained from my face as I took in John's icy cold stare, glaring at me. I ducked my head and turned away, straight into an awkward looking Mike.
"Are you avoiding me?" He asked reaching for my hand, I grabbed for my bottle and headed for the end of the bar, hoping he'd taken the hint, sadly he didn't.
"Have I done something wrong?" He asked, his expression skipped between confused and hurt.
'For fuck sake!!!' My inner voice screamed, 'just leave me the fuck alone' it continued. I really didn't have the patience for this, I just wanted a quiet drink with my friends. At no point did I agree to getting shit from all angles, that just wasn't part of the deal, no not at all.
"I thought you liked me?" He pushed again reaching for my hand and moving uncomfortably close to me, I pulled it back and glared. I knew the colour would most definitely be back in my face, I imagined I now resembled a Belisha beacon, the thought of John looking on at our fracas made me blanch even more.
"Stop it, just stop it!" I said louder than I had intended, he looked shocked and took a step back from me. "What are you doing?" I demanded. "I am leaving in less than 12 hours, what do you hope to achieve?" I glared at him furiously. He opened and closed his mouth several times without making a sound. "Just as I thought" I continued, "Now please just leave me alone." His hesitation was all the time I needed and I turned on my heels and almost sprinted for behind the bar and Annie.
"I just wanted to say goodbye" I said holding back the tears as I reached her. The evening had been a disaster and I just wanted to be out of there but I knew she'd be hurt if I didn't come to see her before I left.
"Oh come here love." She consoled wrapping me in her arms and holding me tight to her. "What's all this about?" She soothed.
"I think I'm just a little emotional, I'm really going to miss everyone." Which wasn't a lie but it wasn't the reason I was crying.
"Now stop being soft, you" she instructed wiping a fat tear off my cheek as it meandered down my face. "You'll be back in a couple of months." I nodded my head knowing she was right. "Now promise me you'll take care of yourself, I'm always here if you need anything, anything at all. You know I think of you as one of my own" She offered kindly, starting my tears again.
"Thank you" I answered hugging her again. "Once I'm settled I promise I'll let you know how I am, you can tell me all the gossip." I added trying my best to be cheerful.
"Ooh I will don't worry." She said with a wink and a smile.
I gave her one last hug and again said goodbye. As I looked up I could see John watching us from his position at the bar, as we made eye contact his expression didn't change, he looked straight through me. I felt my breathe hitch as I realised he'd already moved on. Unable to stand any more I headed towards the end of the bar and then home.
"Hello lover." A voice stopped me in my tracks and I turned to face the direction in which it had come, I was staring straight at John and his ex-finance Tracy. "Do you need a hand with the drinks?" She purred as she wrapped herself around him, I watched him stiffen as he realised I was watching them. I could feel my head spin as my world seemed to come crashing down, I was blinded by images of them together, having sex, laughing at silly, pathetic little me. I was on the verge of vomiting and bolted for the toilets.
I burst through the doors and into the nearest cubicle, I no longer felt nauseous but I sat on the floor unsure if I wasn't going to pass out or not. My mind raced, I was heartbroken, then furious, then heartbroken again, my emotions swirled in my head as I tried to pull myself together enough so I could sneak off home without drawing attention to myself. I took a few steadying breathes, grabbed a handful of tissues and opened the cubicle door. From across the room the mirror reflected my red blotchy face back to me. I walked to the sink and splashed cold water my face and patted it dry with the tissues. Thankfully when I next looked in the mirror my reflection didn't have me cringing. It was easy to see I'd been crying but at least the blotches had pretty much disappeared. Figuring out this was probably as good as I was going to look I closed my eyes, took another calming breathe and exited the toilets.
The ladies and gents toilets were either side of the pub entrance and I was eternally grateful I wouldn't need to walk through the bar again, my escape was only a couple of feet away. As I walked though the toilet door I took an involuntary glance back towards the bar and everyone enjoying themselves inside. I castigated myself for allowing myself a look and with a snap I spun back round and sped for the exit.
I crashed into someone who I swear wasn't there a second ago, I felt their hands grabbing my arms, steadying me so I wasn't sent sprawling towards the floor in an unceremonious heap, I muttered my thanks with my head down and hurried to get away . "Oh thank God" said the familiar voice still holding me, I didn't need to look up to know I had collided with John. The thought of standing there longer than was essential had me verging on a panic attack. I wriggled out of his hold and pressed towards to exit door without acknowledging him.
"So what, do we act like we don't even know each other now?" His words were full of anger but his tone sounded hurt and it stopped me in my tracks. I lowered my head and turned to face him.
"You are right" I said signing heavily still keeping my eyes cast down.
"Jen" he began, I cut him off before he could say anything else.
"Goodbye John, enjoy your evening" I said coldly, turning and walking away. I would remain civil but I wouldn't be engaging him in small talk.
He grabbed my hand and held it tight, I tried to pull it away but he kept a firm grasp of it.
"Let go of me" I asked as I calmly as I could despite my desire to scream in his face and run away as fast as I could from him.
"I just want to talk." He continued, far more in control of his emotions than I was.
"Go talk to your girlfriend" I spat back petulantly and again tried to jerk my hand from his. It took him a second to register who I was talking about.
"She's not my girlfriend" he said sadly shaking his head.
"Yeah well I think you must have forgot to tell her that." I added spitefully.
"Oh like you forgot to tell that kid from behind the bar." His voice echoing the venom in mine.
"Are you kidding me?" I began exasperatedly starring at him disbelievingly, "He will never call me his 'lover'" and I mimicked Tracy's drawl from earlier "So it's not even close." I concluded.
"So what, what's it to you?" He challenged watching my expression closely.
My body seemed to sag as I knew I was beaten, I had nothing left to fight with, I wanted to scream and yell at him that it meant everything to me, seeing her with him had sent a pain so debilitating through my chest I thought I was going to die there and then on the spot and I had wanted to. Instead I said nothing, I closed my eyes and looked down at the floor. I was nothing to him now and I highly doubted I was ever anything more than an easy shag. I had no hold on him and no right to expect anything, after all it was me who had practically begged him for 'no strings' sex.
"Nothing" I whispered not daring to look at him so he could the sadness in my eyes, betraying how much this was killing me.
"That's right nothing" he repeated "You're the one leaving me remember." His voice sounded so vulnerable and caught me off guard. I glanced up at him but the steely hostility had returned to his face.
"Goodbye John" I said again hoping he'd let go of my hand. But clearly he had other ideas.
"Why didn't you tell me which university to were going to?" He asked growing agitated "Why did you let me ask you time and time again not to go when you must have known all along I would never have asked if I'd known." His voice had become ragged at the edges and I could tell he was barely keeping calm.
"You never asked!" I snapped back "And every time I mentioned leaving ,you didn't want to know, you closed me down."
"You're going to Cambridge for fuck sake, what chance did I have against that?" His grasp on control had long gone, he growled the words at me through gritted teeth and now held both my arms tightly.
A woman on her way to the toilet broke the intimacy of our argument as she looked at us wide eyed not sure if she should help me in some way. Knowing she was probably going to tell half the pub when she got back from her wee John let go of my arms and once again grabbed my hand and hauled me towards the exit door.
"This conversation isn't over!" He fumed as he dragged me out the door and round the side of the building. Set about three foot back from the front of the pub was an enclosed children's play area, but by this time of night on a Saturday it was deserted.
"Why what else do you want to shout at me about?" I yelled finally pulling my hand from his grip and pushing him back from me.
"You led me on, you made me think I meant something to you." He bit back still furious.
"You did mean something to me" I snapped, 'You meant everything to me' the voice inside my head whispered sadly.
"You just don't get it do you?" He seemed to have calmed a little. "All this time you was having sex with me..." He moved a step towards me removing the gap between us. Although we weren't touching I could feel the heat from his body and I had to hold myself back from reaching out to touch him. "Whilst you was having sex I was making love." All trace of anger gone from his voice, I watched as his expression changed from furious to sadness.
"So whilst you was just having sex, I was falling in love with you." The look of desperation on his face broke my heart more than his words had yesterday, so much more. Without realising what I was doing I had reached out to him and pulled him to me, reaching up to kiss him.
"Don't" he warned stepping away from me. "I need someone who wants to love me back, not some silly little girl who is so wrapped up in herself she can't see what she's done." His words cut at my pride as I knew he'd described me accurately.
"I need someone who wants to make a life with me, marriage, kids , settle down. You're just a kid, what was I thinking?" He said to himself more than to me. "Just a stupid kid, you're a waste of my time."
"Well I guess you should get back to your date then." I reminded him coldly, she was what he wanted and with defeat I admitted to myself she had always been what he wanted, I felt broken.
"I guest I should." He replied as if he was already detached from the idea of there ever having been an 'us'
"John" I began but he stopped me before the word was out my mouth.
"Don't, just don't" he closed. After taking one last look at me he shook his head and added "Goodbye Jen" then without another word he turned and headed back inside the bar.