The Proposition - Completed

Part 15

After a very long, very hot shower and many many tears I'd resolved enough was enough, 'it is what it is' I reminded myself of my own mantra. Our relationship had been doomed before it had began and I'd known that from the start. The more I analysed the last week the more I questioned which of us had been the more naive. I shook my head in disbelief when I remembered how certain I'd been I'd be able to sleep with him and not get emotionally involved...ah jeez who had I been kidding. But was my faux par any worse than John harbouring the hope I'd give up my place at university?

I blew out a long breathe of relief as I realised things could have been so much worse. I blanched as I considered what would have happened if I'd ever seriously considered not going and instead staying with John. I felt sick as I pictured myself sat in my room in a months time wondering where it had all gone wrong and how I'd been so very, very stupid. No matter how much I had tried to delude myself I had always known John couldn't be satisfied with what I could offer him...which was pretty much nothing. No matter how much my fractured heart protested I knew it was for the best.

I'd woke Saturday morning to my phone dancing on the wooden top of my bedside cabinet, my heart fluttered as I grabbed at it hoping to hear John's voice at the other end of the line. What I wanted him to say...well I have no idea.

"Hello hello hello" I sighed deflated as I registered it was Clare's voice.

"Hiya" I answered unable to hide my disappointment and castigating myself for hoping it was John in the first place.

"Erm everything alright?" She asked, clearly surprised by my greeting.

"I'm fine" I tried again in as bright a tone as I could muster.

"Ok good so...tonight" she began "I know you are leaving in the morning but you're still up for a session tonight right?" I knew it wasn't a question more an instruction.

"Actually I've got a really early drive so I can't be getting drunk or anything" I started with my excuses. Ok so I'd told myself I was fine, I had accepted what had happened but the thought of going out mixing with people was not on my agenda for today. I was thinking more of sulking, possibly having the odd little cry when no-one was looking and possibly consuming a huge bar of chocolate. Yeah, I just wasn't sure I could manage to put on a brave face all night.

"Ok I hear you, so you won't get shit faced but surely a goodbye tipple with your mates, I mean what other plans have you got?" She counter argued.

"I'm having a family meal..."

"Yeah but after the last supper" she cut me off mid sentence "A swift half in The Dragon must sound better than sitting in, bored silly by yourself" she argued.

I hadn't told her things between John and I had progressed from a quick kiss goodnight so she had no idea I wanted to hide away in my room until I could escape to my new life and forget the last week altogether.

"I'll take that as a yes" she gloated down the receiver "I'll tell everyone else and we'll meet you in there at 8pm." She didn't bother to wait for my answer and she hung up the phone before I had a chance to tell her I wasn't going.

'Fuck it!' I resolved at half seven and quickly got ready for the pub.

By the time I got there about a dozen of my friends had gathered around a couple of tables at the far end of the bar. I focused my attention on the group of familiar, smiling faces as I walked through the pub, resisting the urge to scan the room for the one face I both desperately wanted to see and at the same time dreaded.

"Jen, Jen" Clare yelled as I approached as she waved frantically at me. So much for a quiet entrance I thought as I ducked quickly into the vacant seat she'd obviously been saving next to her. "Drink up" she instructed handing me a now warm bottle of beer. I thanked her and headed straight to the bar for a glass, as I waited to catch the attention of one of the bar staff I was aware Rob was standing at the other end of the bar. I felt my breathe hitch and my heart pound as with a panic I hoped John wasn't with him. Oblivious to my growing nausea he smiled warmly to me and made the universal sign for 'would you like a drink?' (Invisible glass to the lips) I shook my head, declining his offer, conscious I was hyperventilating at the thought of coming face to face with John I reached over the bar and grabbed a glass, holding it up hoping he'd understand I already had a drink and just needed the empty glass.