"Stacey. Stacey baby its mum," I felt my mum give me a kiss. "Your dad's here too." I felt his hand on my head and his scent made me feel better. I was struggling to open my eyes. They were so heavy.
"Dad?"
"Yeah honey I'm here. What have I told you about head butting things? You're not a woodpecker." He was trying to hide his emotions through sarcasm but I could tell even without looking that he was upset. It radiated through his hands as he stroked my head. My dad was not a stroker!
"They started it," I mumbled referring to Jessica and her friends.
"And like always you have to finish it," he said.
"Mum?"
"Yes my baby," she replied.
"Can I go home now?" I asked desperate.
"Not yet."
"But I want too. Pllleeaassee," I begged.
I hated to think that I was lying here looking like corpse bride and everyone felt obliged to stay with me or visit. I was happy to go home and sleep there in my own bed with my cat. Close myself away and hibernate like a grizzly bear. That idea was bliss.
"Mum please, I'll get better at home, just cuddled up with Harry. I want to sign myself out," I managed to open my eyes.
"Don't be silly Stacey," My dad said.
"I don't like hospitals. Please let me go home. I'll be good I promise," I pledged.
In fact if truth be told I was panicking, I did not want to see Shane. The thought of him, seeing me like this made me want to run from the room with embarrassment. I would do anything just to get out of here and ensure that the next time he saw me I looked just like I did at the party. Not like... this!
"Dad, please," tears flowed as I begged and pleaded with my eyes. "Dad please, I don't want to stay here. Please dad, please! I'll come home with you. Don't leave me here!"
"Fine I will ask the doc but I am not promising anything. You better hope they have a bed shortage or you've been as big a pain in the arse as you usually are when you are suppose to be taking medicine and they want rid of you," he said and left the room.
"Mum can you help me up, I want to go to the bathroom," God knows when the last I went and I wanted to see what I looked like.
"Ok," she helped me as I removed the blankets and swung my feet off the bed. I was hooked up to an IV so dragged that with me.
I looked better than I thought. God knows what I expected to see. I washed my face and brushed my teeth with shaky hands because of the drugs. My legs felt like they were trying to remember what my knees were for.
My dad returned with the Dr. He explained that head injuries were not an exact science. A concussion can be cause by even the slightest flick of the head at a wrong angle and I had sustained injuries but the symptoms were delayed as is sometimes the case. A sort of Post concussion. I had some swelling which had caused me to be disorientated and lost consciousness. Being confused and angry was a side affect, which explains why I was feeling so emotional but I didn't care I want out of this place. NOW! Before anyone else return. I wanted to do a moon light flit. Yes I know I was running away AGAIN but I just wasn't ready to face him or anyone for that matter. I just wanted to go home with my parents, and dive under my quilt, like returning to the womb.
The Dr reluctantly agreed and I was released on the proviso that if I felt unwell I would return.
I got changed with the help of my mum, had my IV removed and we were out of there. As the car pulled away I felt a mixture of relief and guilt.
I just needed a bath and a chance to compose myself then I could face everyone. Ok maybe I was being a little overdramatic but I really, really just needed a time out. Time to regroup, focus!
What I really wanted to do was hop on a flight to France and hide!
That was it! That is exactly where I needed to be... I needed to be with my friend Hayley, at her vine yard in France just sitting in the dusty courtyard with a glass of wine, surrounded by the countryside and spilling my guts out to her.
My parents were a bit worried about my plan to go to Hayley's on my own but I explained that I just needed to chill out and once I phoned Hayley she was ecstatic I was coming to see her. I booked the next flight and went to grab a few things. My dad would drop me to the airport. I felt ever fibre of my being couldn't get away fast enough. Since the night of that party my life had been turned upside down and I needed to step outside of it and think about what I really wanted without the pressure of everyone around me.
Johnny and Freddie had tidied my room and changed the bedding. Thank god, the last thing I wanted right now was to smell him. It was bad enough being in the room... I was being a total nasty bitch and I knew it. I knew it would hurt him to find out I had left the hospital. I knew it would hurt him to know I had woken up again when he wasn't there and this time I had left. After I promised him here in this room, right there on the end of the bed that he hadn't lost me and I wasn't going anywhere. Yet here I was running. He deserved better than that, he deserved better than me and he deserved an explanation.
I picked up my phone and took the cowards was out. I text.
Text:
Shane. Thank you for taking me the hospital and looking after me. I really do appreciate it. I'm sorry I've been such a nuisance. I have signed myself out of hospital because I need sometime on my own. I have gone away for a while to stay with friends until I sort my head out. I hope you can understand. I'm sorry for running out on you again. Stacey.
I pressed send and grabbed my bag. Scrawled a note to Freddie and Johnny and left it on the side.
As the car pulled away I slouched down in the back, scared that he might turn up or see me. I knew if I saw him I wouldn't be able to go and I needed to get away.
I sat in the airport, waiting on my flight. My heart felt like it was being squeezed. I kept looking around praying that he wouldn't turn up to stop me.
Finally as the plane took off I felt a wave of relief wash over me and the tension in my body was left on the tarmac. I felt so much lighter, like I'd accomplished something. I wondered if Sandy had felt like this when she has left Gary behind all those years ago.
Ten minutes into the flight I received his text.
Text:
Thanks for letting me know. I assume you don't want me to talk to me or tell where you going, as you didn't call or wait to say goodbye. I don't blame you and for the record you've never been a nuisance. This is all my fault and I'm more sorry than words can say. I promise to leave you alone. I hope you feel better soon. Safe Journey. X
I sat there reading it over and over. Everytime I read it my crazy mind felt a different undertone. Was he angry with me... we're we now officially split up... he was happy to get rid of me... so I gave up trying to think of a reply with my mind in its present state and turned my phone off.
Hayley was waiting with her husband Chris and two kids at the airport. She ran and hugged me like the end scene from 'Love Actually'. I choked back the tears as there was to be no more of them.
The Vine yard was as beautiful as I remembered and Hayley's presence always made my soul feel rested. She was a kindred spirit and I loved her dearly.
The next few days passed with just the right amount of distraction with nothing around to remind me constantly of what I had left behind. My phone remained turned off. I went for long walks and lay by the river listening to the water flow and meditating. Hayley took me to her dance classes which were a mixture of Salsa and aerobics, it was great fun. We visited the local pubs and restaurants and ate wonderful food with great company. I began to feel 'centered' again or as Hayley put it, my Chakra's we're realigning.
We were sat in the stone courtyard watching the sun go down and enjoying a bottle of red when Hayley asked "So are we ever going to talk about him?"
I shook my head. How did she know? I hadn't mentioned him to her?
"Well don't look so shocked. Your mum told me everything. She called whilst you were flying over as she was worried that you were getting on a plane with a head injury and wanted me to make sure you were on bed rest when you got here."
I should have known. "Trust her, the gossip," I moaned.
"Judging by the look on your face and just by the mention of the word 'him', you care about 'him' and you knew exactly who I was referring too. I could have been talking about anyone?"
It was true he was the first person I thought of. "Yes I do care for him. A lot," It was barely a whisper as my heart had started thumping at being allowed to remember him.
Hayley topped up our wine glasses. "Right, Chris can handle the kids tomorrow, let's get 'Rat Arsed' and sort your love life out. It's no use just mending your physical body Stacey. Your heart and mind need attention too. They can't exist without each other. So let's get to the bottom of what has you running scared. That way we can get your life going in the right direction again."
I told her everything. She listened and we both got very drunk and dance around the courtyard.
"You know what I think?" Hayley slurred.
"Nooo," I slurred back.
"I think you're scared of loving him. I think you have got him put so high on a pedestal that you don't think you are worthy of his love or that you will fall so madly in love with him that something will go wrong and you will be left heartbroken so your self sabotaging your love before it's has time to grow, a bit like aborting a child. You're sat in the clinic contemplating whether to keep the 'love' or terminate it before it becomes too late and you have no option but to love back."
"I think you have been drinking too much," I slurred as we lay on the floor staring at the stars.
"No she's right," Chris said as he walked out of the kitchen into the courtyard. "Drunk people are very loud so I couldn't help but overhear and I think she's right."
"It's too late any way, I think he finished with me or he thought I finished with him via text. I'm not quite sure," I said.
"Well let's be sure. Chris is a boy so let's get your phone and show him the text and he can give you the male perspective on it," Hayley decided.
I staggered drunkenly to get my phone from my room and back again. Chris took a look at it and laughed.
"What?" Hayley and I said together.
"Can't believe you thought he was dumping you," he laughed.
"What makes you say that? Plus I said he 'might have' and I wasn't sure.... Explain yourself Chris, what do you see with your 'boy' eyes?" I was desperate to understand.
"Just look at it. What is the last thing he put on the text?" he passed my phone back.
I was too pissed to focus on it.
"Oh for gods sake! It's a kiss. He said 'Safe Journey' and put a kiss after it. Boys don't put kisses after things like girls do. If a 'boy' or should I say a 'man' puts a kiss on something he is actually sending you a kiss. It is not meant as a term of endearment. It's the closest he could get to putting his lips on yours. A KISS!" he ranted.
Hayley and I stood looking at him as his words sunk through our boozy minds. Then we screamed and jumped about like wild women.
"I'm not dumped... I'm not dumped!" I screamed
"You're not dumped, you're not dumped," Hayley screamed.
We did the congo around the courtyard in celebration, 'La, la, la, la, la, la' 'La, la, la, la, la, la' 'Da, dar, dar, dar' 'HEY!' 'Da, dar, dar, dar' HEY!
"It's a good thing our kids can sleep through anything," Chris said rolling his eyes.
We stayed up drinking more and listening to songs. One in particular had always been a favourite but tonight it took on a new meaning and resonated within me as I lay on the cold stone floor listening.
Amy Winehouse - Wake Up Alone
It's ok in the day
I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up clean the house, at least I'm not drinking
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking
That silence sense of content that everyone gets
Just disappears as soon as the sunsets.
He gets fierce in my dreams seizing my guts
He floors me with dread
Soaked to soul he swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone
Regardless my heart
I'd rather be restless
Second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless
This ache in my chest
Cause my day has gone now
The dark covers me and I cannot run now
My blood running cold
I stand before him
It's all I can do to assure him
When he comes to me
I drip for him tonight
Drowning in me we bathe under blue light
He is fierce in my dreams seizing my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked to his soul he swims in my eyes by the bed
Poor myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone