Lauren,
I watched the videos. I went through the box. I keep reading your letters over and over again. And every time, I'm only reminded of just how much I love and miss you.
As much as you want me to, I don't think I'll be able to move on. And that's okay, because I don't want to. The girls try to get me to find someone new, but nobody compares to you. And I promise I'm okay with that.
I've reached the point where I only cry when I visit your grave. But other than that, I'm doing well. I dropped out of my old school and got accepted into this really nice music school in Manhattan. I start next year.
Like you, there are so many things I never got to say. Only difference is, I have no way to communicate them to you. Part of me hopes you're here right now, reading this over my shoulder as I cry my eyes out and make this completely unreadable...
I've always been best at organizing my thoughts on paper. It's so hard for me to form sentences in real time because I'm afraid I'm going to slip up and say something wrong, and I won't be able to take it back. At least on paper, I can tell you what I want you to know with the illusion that I got through it all without one stutter or sob breaking into the middle of my speech.
I want to start off by saying thank you. Thank you for some of the best years of my life. Thank you for introducing me to Mani and Ally, because without them and Dinah I don't know how I would've gotten past your death. You were always the most important person to me, even when I didn't know you. I'm so glad I know you, because even though you're gone now, my heart feels full. You gave me enough love to last a lifetime.
I miss your smile. I miss your adorable laugh. I miss the way you'd randomly tell me you love me with that goofy grin. I miss you making fun of Ally's height all the time. I miss you shoving me out of the way whenever Dinah tried to prank us. I miss you cuddling with me on the couch and making me feel safe whenever we watched horror movies together. I miss you laughing at my jokes (it's not the same when Dinah does it), and I miss your body and I miss kissing you and
My pencil tip broke so I took it as a sign I should cut myself off.
But I love you.
Your family is doing okay, just so you know. They're not great, but they're okay. Our families still do our holiday traditions, like you wanted. I don't think we could ever stop that now. Our relationship might've been what started this, but they got close on their own.
Your family does this thing where they all gather on the weekends to talk. It's like group therapy but without spending a ridiculous amount of money on a therapist. They've invited me a couple of times, but I turned it down. I still talk to them about you, though. Sometimes we talk about your letters or sometimes we get lunch and laugh at old memories.
Dinah, Mani and Als miss you too. Sometimes we all go to your favorite diner (you know, the one with those dumb karaoke nights you used to drag me to but I secretly had fun at) and perform covers together. It's not the same as when we harmonized with you, though.
I try to do what you said. I think about the happy memories as often as I can and I don't let anything ruin them. But I can't help it when I think about all the nights you spent alone at the hospital, or how much pain you were secretly in. I know you covered it up because you wanted to seem fine. I would've done the same thing, but that doesn't stop me from wishing I could've done something.
I know that our situation sucked. And I want nothing more than to go back and have just a little more time with you. Your parents gave me all my favorite sweatshirts of yours, but they're nothing like being held by you. They help me sleep, but it would make me feel better if I knew I'd be giving them back to you.
I'm happy I got to know what it was like to be with you. You showed me things I didn't think were possible, and I'm glad to hear you felt the same.
I miss you.
I won't forget you.
With love,
Camz