The amount and intensity of feelings I was experiencing ever since I had been reunited with Lauren was unfathomable at times. No one brought out so many emotions in me. I used to resent her for it when she wasn’t reciprocating all these years. Her raw essence seemed to spark something in me that I was not able to feel with anyone else. She had always been that way; almost merciless with the way she felt so deeply and apparently it was contagious. It made her vulnerable to all the heartbreak she had faced in her life and a lot of them were caused by me lately. Even though I was the more reasoned one, she allowed me to be open with my emotions and heightened them in every way possible. There was no in between with us. Just like there was no in between for Lauren. We were able to go from ripping each other’s hearts out to making each other happier than anyone else in a few days.
Sometimes it scared me. Because I wasn’t sure if I would survive ever losing her. Not after knowing how much I truly loved her. After knowing how much she truly loved me. After knowing what it actually felt like to be with her.
But there was still so much left for us to know. And I wasn’t ready to give up on that. Not now and not ever. Feeling her lips press against mine in a desperate kiss to seal our engagement again was causing my heart to swell with the love I carried for her. She kissed back and her grasp around my waist loosened when she made our lips disconnect.
“Do you like it?”, she asked with slight insecurity and looked at the diamond ring she had just given me.
“Of course”, I answered immediately. “It’s beautiful. But you didn’t have to spend that much money, it looks really expensive.”
Lauren shrugged lightly and her green eyes were still glistening in the dim light from the tears she had been holding back during her touching words before. I was wiping mine swiftly to regain more composure.
“If I can’t give you a special proposal, I at least wanted to give you a special ring”, she whispered and I couldn’t believe she was still putting herself down after that overwhelmingly beautiful gesture just now.
“This is special”, I interjected quickly, moving my hands along her neck and resting them on her shoulders. “This is everything to me”, I added softly and my voice was still not fully recovering from the trembling.
She met my eyes again and I saw a faint smile on her lips. Although she wasn’t saying it I knew what she was thinking. She wished things were different and she wasn’t proposing to me in her bedroom before undergoing surgery tomorrow. There would have been a grand gesture if Lauren had a choice. If it had been up to her, I could see her proposing on top of the freaking Eiffel Tower but I didn’t need any of that. The only thing I needed was her; the only thing I wished was for her to finally understand that.
Just the slightest hint of sadness in the emerald colored eyes was killing me and I wanted to say something but the older one took my hand and got under the covers. I joined her and faced her while we were both lying on our sides. There was something on her mind. I could almost see the wheels turning in her head as I stroked her protruding collarbone that was exposed in the V-neck shirt. The fact that she had lost weight in such a short amount of time was scaring me most.
“Do you believe in heaven?”, the strained voice asked and I felt my eyes widen.
“Lauren-“, I shook my head and wanted to change the subject before going into a dark place.
“I’m not being morbid or pessimistic”, she interfered and took a deep breath. “But I need someone to talk to me about those things and no one would understand me like you do.”
I fell quiet for a few seconds because I wasn’t sure how to answer her question. Undermining her legitimate feelings and fears wouldn’t be helpful. I had to be strong and understanding; no matter how hard it was on me. It was harder on her and I reminded myself of that internally.
“Do you?”, I asked just above a whisper because that was the more important question.
“I’m not sure what I believe”, she admitted while I was still caressing her cold skin. “I have questioned religion ever since I was a teenager and never got a full grasp on what I actually believe in. The past couple of years I honestly gave up on the idea of any sort of spirituality, I guess. I mean, how do you believe in something that is irrational, inexplicable and never to be proven?”
“It’s called faith”, I said softly and saw her frown relax.
“So, you do have faith?”, she concluded still unsure.
“I had my fair share of doubts”, I confessed and inhaled deeply. “When I first realized what I felt for you, I was terrified. I was brought up in a fairly religious environment and homosexuality wasn’t in the realm of possibilities. Therefore I felt ashamed and guilty and started resenting myself and religion. I…felt like an abomination.”
“Camila”, Lauren whispered sensitively and full of empathy.
“It’s ok. That was a long time ago”, I soothed her. “In time I came to terms with it and made peace with what I believe to be God. The real test was my mom’s illness. I couldn’t understand why all of these horrible things kept happening to people like her. She had fought so hard and still lost in the end. I asked myself repeatedly why she was taking from me so early but I couldn’t answer that question. The only thing I could do was accept it. So, I don’t know if there’s a heaven. What I do know is that she’s not completely gone. Her body may be but her spirit is still here. Sometimes I feel her with me. Maybe that is just wishful thinking but what if it’s not? What if every time I sense her or think about her, it is because she wants me to? Because she’s there. I believe you never really leave because your soul is scattered in the people whose lives you have made an impact on. That way you get to live on within them until you reunite…wherever that may be.”
“That’s a nice way to think about it”, the other woman said but obviously struggled on whether or not she could believe something that contradicted her rational brain. She seemed deeply in thought after that and I just watched her. My fingers grazed the soft skin of her cheeks and traced her perfect facial features until she spoke again.
“I never really wanted to believe in regrets but lately I can’t help but just feel so angry that I didn’t tell you how I felt earlier. It feels like I have wasted so much time…we could have had more than ten years together by now”, she confessed.
“Did you ever come close to telling me? Before you lived in denial, that is?”, I asked with a gentle smile and wanted to talk about something that would maybe make her feel better. “Like, tell me about a memory that you have where you wanted to tell me.”
A stroll down memory lane would possibly distract her from the harsh present we were living in now. Asking her to tell me about a particular moment was beneficial in more than one way because I was also curios what she would say.
“The closest I ever came to telling you was probably my 17th birthday”, she revealed and I was surprised because I couldn’t remember anything too out of the ordinary.
“Why?”
“You looked so gorgeous that day”, Lauren whispered and her eyes lost focus a little bit because she seemed to recall the image, immersing herself in the memory and nostalgia. “With a white bow, a coral top, blue jeans and white converse”, she added and I gulped lightly at her words. How on earth did she remember every piece of clothing I had worn ten years ago?
“Your memory is scary”, I said with a little smile.
“You are pretty memorable”, the brunette gave back and I finally detected a smile on her lips as well. I couldn’t help myself but instantly lean forward to connect them with mine. They were gently pressing against mine in a rather sweet kiss that was meant as a “thank you” for her admittedly cute answer. But I wanted to hear more and pulled back to face her, both of our heads resting on the pillow again.
“So you wanted to tell me how you felt because I looked good? You are so shallow”, I teased because I knew there had to be more.
“That’s one of the reasons but not quite”, she smirked and I loved seeing that playful expression on her usually serious face. “Back then I wasn’t consciously ignoring how pretty you were. Contrary to later on when I was living in the land of denial”, her face brightened up again before continuing her story.
“You were paying me so much attention. We had this little celebration and our families were there. At least our moms, Taylor and Sofi. Although I hadn’t seen them in a while, my focus was solely on you. Every time you looked at me or said something to me, everyone else disappeared. It was extreme that day for some reason. So extreme, that I wasn’t able to ignore it. Afterwards we both went to my hotel room and listened to music. You showed me the Arctic Monkeys album and we ended up talking for hours. I remember thinking: ‘Why does she get me? How is this all so effortless when no one else gets it? Why do I feel so happy around her?’ I was seriously questioning my feelings that night because it felt so different compared to being with my other friends.”
Lauren took a little breather and her eyes met mine once more. They looked greyish tonight and that didn’t help my already fluttering heart at all. The contrast between her dark hair and the bright eyes was so intense it made zone out for a second before I refocused. I couldn’t believe how different our memories of the same events were. Never would I have thought she had felt that way on her 17th birthday. Even though I remembered the day, I hadn’t been aware of her point of view. Hearing her confirming all the emotions I had been going through for almost five years was still surprising at times.
“I remember falling asleep on your bed, right?”, I asked because that was something I did remember.
“Yeah”, the older one confirmed but smiled again. “That’s not the whole story though.”
“What do you mean?”, I was intrigued now.
“Well, you did fall asleep on my bed and so did I”, she began but I already knew that part. “During the night you actually cuddled up to me.”
“What?”, I exclaimed still quietly but shocked.
“I woke up pretty early and suddenly your head was on my shoulder”, Lauren’s voice softened as she seemed to draw up the picture mentally once more. “Your hand rested on my stomach and I could hear you breathing. I was completely overwhelmed. My heart was pounding like crazy and I wasn’t sure what was going on. I told myself it was probably a reflex of some sort. That you were subconsciously craving comfort or even body warmth. Still, I was a mess and I remember the one most prominent thought in my head that moment: ‘This is it. That’s what being in love should feel like.’ I was freaked out by my own thoughts and fell asleep again. The next time I woke up, Dinah was standing at the side of the bed with her phone. She had taken a picture of us sleeping and I panicked. I got out of the bed before you noticed anything and played it off cool so Dinah wouldn’t say anything. That was why she tweeted #camrenfeels that day. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had been wrestling all day with whether or not I should tell you; how I should tell you because I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling. Seeing the reaction in Twitter to Dinah’s tweet put a stop to my plan because the fans were going crazy again. But that was definitely one of the closest, if not the closest, I had ever come to facing my feelings and telling you about them.”
“I always asked Dinah why she tweeted that but she never told me”, I revealed and was still replaying Lauren’s story in my head. Why didn’t I remember that? Obviously it hadn’t been intentional of me to snuggle up to her back then. It just proved once more how desperate I had been for the older one after having tried to stay away for a while.
“I asked her not to”, Lauren remarked and I lifted an eyebrow curiously. “I freaked out and she noticed that I was uncomfortable, I guess.”
“Do you think she still has that picture?”, I asked with a coy smile.
“I am not sure. It was such a long time ago and I have never seen it either.”
“I’ll ask her although it would be weird if she had kept it all these years”, I laughed lightly to see Lauren smiling.
“But what about you?”, she asked. “Have you ever thought about telling me?”
“I thought about it every day for five years”, I gave back. “To be honest, I never actually considered telling you. I was so sure you’d never feel the same way. The risk of telling you and maybe losing you forever was just too high. Not to mention you dated other people and I always envisioned reacting badly somehow. No offense. You were just so defensive when it came to us possibly being more than friends that I was scared you wouldn’t react the way I wanted to.”
“Unfortunately I have to say that you were probably right”, Lauren admitted but stroked my arm lovingly. “After things escalated between us, I probably wouldn’t have been able to reciprocate in the way you wanted to. I was too scared. And that’s what angers me so much. I shouldn’t have been such a coward and maybe we would have been together a lot sooner.”
“Have you ever considered the idea of this being our journey for a reason?”, I said just above a whisper and her green-greyish eyes focused my gaze narrowly. “That this was meant to be? All the hardships and heartbreaks we had to go through were meant to prepare us for this? So, we would be strong enough. That way we would be able to look back in a few years and see how invincible we have become.”
“Do you really believe that?”, the singer’s voice sounded unsure.
“What?”
“That I am going to be here in a few years?”
It felt like she had just hit me over the head with a baseball bat. She was doubting it! My fear of her being more fragile than she led on was not unjustified. Her question just now was proof of that. As much as her insecurity about her recovery frightened me, I needed to be strong for her.
“Yes”, I answered quickly and sincerely. My eyes caught her gulping and I placed my hand back on her cheek, softly caressing the pale skin. “Everything is going to be fine. You’ll see, I promise. Nothing is going to happen to you. I won’t let anything happen to you. Not after waiting a decade for this. Now that I finally you, I am not going to lose you again. Ok?”
She seemed chocked up and I detected the dampness of her eyes which caused my own throat to tighten. I needed her to believe in her strength as much as I did. Otherwise she would have a very hard time recovering, I felt. Of course I was going to be there for her but that was just part of it. Being secure in herself was not one of Laurens strong suits but I wanted her to fight. Hell, I needed her to fight because I wasn’t going to be able to compensate if she gave up.
My train of thought was interrupted when Lauren leaned over and kissed me. The full lips brushed against mine tenderly before applying more pressure. I continued stroking her cheek and heard her inhaling deeply before deepening the kiss. Parting her lips, the slick tongue prodded my lower lip and challenged me to give her access. I obliged and let her explore the warmth of my mouth with her next skilled stroke. She took my hand off her cheek unexpectedly and guided it down her body. My eyebrows furrowed as my fingertips were slipping beneath the elastic band of her shorts and panties.
“Um..I think you should rest before tomorrow”, I broke the kiss and my voice was trapped somewhere between concern and thrill.
“That’s the last thing I want to do right now”, Lauren whispered against my lips and held my hand in position.
“Maybe you should though”, I tried pressing because I wasn’t sure of this was such a good idea. She had already hinted once before that she saw this as our “last chance” so to speak. And I didn’t want her to think like that.
“Camila”, she sighed in frustration. “Things are going to change after tomorrow. I am going to change. Who knows when I will have those desires again once I start my treatment? But I have them now…please”, she pleaded and I felt my resistance vanishing while her eyes exuded desperation but also arousal. The dark pupils were distinct in the bright shade of green and grey around them. They were a little dilated and I had taken enough classes in body language to know that it meant arousal now. I couldn’t decline her wish and we both knew it. It was my job to make her happy. Certainly I had never been opposed to our bedroom activities and I had to stop making everything about her illness. This was the last thing she wanted. Treating her as normally as I could was a challenge but I was willing to do anything for her. Not to mention that I was craving intimacy just as much as the older woman after our long separation.
So, I enclosed her lower lip between mine and gently sucked on it. She sighed again. In pleasure this time. I gracefully slid on top of her, pushing her legs apart with my knee. Settling between her barely covered thighs caused goose bumps everywhere. Her hands quickly pushed up my shirt and I let her take it off before retaking my previous position. I ran my hand through my own hair to brush them out of my face. Otherwise there would have been a bundle of them between our lips when I connected them. I realized how desperate I was for the older one’s lips. It wasn’t a secret to her how much I enjoyed the act of kissing. She was definitely not holding back in giving me what I wanted when I devoured the inside of her mouth.
God, she was way too good at this for me to ever being able to resist. Her kisses were slow and sensual and I adapted instantly in my movements. Her cold fingers were running up and down my spine and I almost flinched at the contact but thankfully didn’t. I let my own hands stroke her bare thighs, gently massaging the outside and only lightly teasing the inside. Lauren’s hips were already pushing upward in slight frustration of my light touches. She moaned lasciviously into my mouth, her hot breath crushing against my lips when I ran my hand over the center of her shorts.
“Camila”, she sighed and I wasn’t completely sure what she meant but she elaborated quickly. “Please, don’t make me wait that long”, she added and I bit my lower lip. Usually, this was an invitation to tease her even more and make her really suffer. But I was going easy on her tonight by fulfilling her demand. I was so aroused myself that I wanted to see her experience that high just as much as she did. To me, there was nothing more enticing than seeing Lauren explode with pleasure.
I sat up and grabbed the hem of her shorts and panties at the same time to pull them off. Her hips lifted off the bed so I was able to remove the fabric effortlessly. The abs of her stomach were showing and pushed the oversized shirt up to reveal more skin. Her breathing was already at a faster pace than usual, which showed in her abdominal muscles contracting quickly. I took a deep breath while watching the beautiful body displayed in front of me before lowering my head to kiss her tummy. The skin felt warmer than before and I was happy to notice the increase in body temperature. Since she didn’t want to wait, I left a trail of wet kisses starting with her belly button and ending at the most intimate part of her body.
Her hand tangled up in my hair when I began kissing the area softly. A little teasing had to be allowed. She gasped as soon as my lips applied more pressure and suction. Her panting was the most rewarding sound; as well as the moans she tried to suppress by biting her lips. I knew I would get them of out her so I didn’t hesitate any longer and complied with her wishes. She didn’t want to wait so I brought my A game, so to speak. Opening my mouth a little wider, I continued the suction with my lips on the heated skin but let my tongue enter the damp warmth.
“Holy Shit”, Lauren exclaimed and I almost laughed at her reaction. The skilled muscle pushed further and I felt the older woman trembling instantly. I decided to be merciless after her request of not making her squirm too much and repeated my motion in a quick rhythm. My hands were holding on to her drawn up legs and I felt them twitching lightly. Always a sign of her being close. I opened my otherwise closed eyes and looked up to see her face. Somehow she sensed my gaze and met my eyes.
“I’m only going to last a fucking minute if you keep this up”, she panted in a husky voice.
“I am only doing what you wanted”, I argued with a smirk to see her grinning. Lowering my head again, I picked up my previous movements and saw Lauren throwing her head back. She arched her back shortly and started rotating her hips against my still opened mouth. Jesus, this was hot. I had a hard time holding back my own sounds of lust when she was so freely expressing hers. She had been right in her words because there was no denying that she was close. I kept going and soon felt her entire body writhing in bliss. The sight of that was something I would never get sick of. She always tried holding back but once she reached the highpoint, it looked like she was breaking down almost.
“Fuck”, she cursed and tried calming down but every time I let my tongue brush against her core to tease her, she jerked her hips. I was definitely pleased that she was still reacting to my actions that quickly. The devilish part in me wanted to get her back for not allowing me to tease her as much as I usually liked. So I kept kissing her inner thighs gently until she probably thought I was done. Just as her convulsing stopped, I let two fingers enter her. Lauren squealed in surprise and almost ripped out a strand of my hair. I started moving them very slowly and explored the very damp area my tongue had invaded before.
“Oh my God”, the brunette moaned when I pushed in as deep as I could. This was possibly torture to her because I was moving them excruciatingly slow. And if that wasn’t going to set her off again, I used my lips and tongue again. This time, only focusing on the very sensitive nub I had left out before. My tongue flickered against it fast-paced while my fingers were still slow. That combination was not meant to be endured for long and therefore she didn’t. It was only a matter of a few more admittedly experienced moves before Lauren was shaking again. Harder than before; if that was even possible. She bit her lip desperately to dampen the sound and I was enjoying every second of her little battle against her own instincts.
I kissed my way up her body with a trail of soft kisses while she was wiggling on the sheets. Reaching her lips, they were parted and breathing heavily but also forming a smile as soon as she saw me. That smile was worth it. It was relaxed, genuine and just perfect. I couldn’t help myself but place a tender kiss on her cheek while she folded her arms around my neck. Looking at her again, she seemed exhausted. Even though I wanted to take credit for that solely, I knew my little love play wasn’t the only reason the singer was physically tired. My concern grew as I felt her hands trying to pull down my shorts.
“That’s ok”, I said quietly and saw her frowning. “I don’t want anything in return.”
“But-“Lauren wanted to protest.
“You were the horny one for a change and since we have settled that, my job is done”, I tried a different approach to make her laugh and felt her slapping my arm gently.
“You are the devil, you know that?”, her voice was still unsteady but filled with a light laugh that made my heart flutter. “You really don’t want me to?”
“No, I want you to cuddle up to me and get some sleep because even I am tired”, I confessed. She was still smiling and I was relieved. I grabbed the blanket and put it over our bodies to create more warmth before settling back on the mattress. Lauren put her arm around my waist and took her place next to mine with her head resting in the crook of my neck. I kissed her forehead lovingly and stroked the dark locks.
“I love you”, she whispered.
“I love you, too”, I reciprocated as she propped up shortly to give me one last kiss. She must have been nervous. I knew I was. But her fatigue seemed greater than anything else because she was dead asleep within a couple of minutes. Her steady breathing was soothing and I didn’t want to worry too much about tomorrow. In the end none of my panicky thoughts would amount to anything. I had to take it one step at a time. The first step was surgery. Just thinking about it made me anxious. So, I told myself to stop and even managed to fall asleep shortly after.
The next time I opened my eyes, I was alone. My hand was searching for the woman of my dreams but she wasn’t there. For a second I panicked. Then I heard steps around the room and detected Lauren walking up to me. She was fully dressed and ready to go it seemed.
“Morning”, she said and kissed me softly.
“Am I running late?”, I asked and cleared my throat.
“No, but you should get up if you want to shower. We have to leave soon”, she explained and I was surprised to see her so relaxed. That didn’t change throughout the entire morning. I got up quickly, took a shower and we left soon afterwards to go to the hospital. Neither of us was really talking that much but I tried distracting her as best as I could. My own nerves were definitely flaring up once we had arrived at the hospital. It was one of the best in the whole country and very modern. Not that I expected any less from Lauren but it was quite different from the one in Miami where I worked part time.
Everything was taken care of and apparently there were security measures taken so no one from the media would hear something about the singer’s illness. Only a few nurses were informed about Lauren being here. She had a private room in a more secluded part of the hospital and sometimes I was still amazed at how powerful she actually was. To me, she was just Lauren but the way other people treated her reminded me of her stardom. Settling in the richly equipped hospital room, I was starting to get more nervous by the minute. The brunette was changing into that horrific hospital gown no one really liked. Although I had to admit she looked good in even that as soon as she came out. I had no time to adjust before I heard a knock on the door. Lauren was already sitting on the bed when the door opened.
Normani, Alexa and Chelsea walked in and I felt slightly relieved to see them all. I had known about Alexa and Normani coming and wasn’t surprised to see Chelsea there as well. They all hugged me and Lauren before Chelsea squealed.
“Are you engaged?!”, she exclaimed and grabbed my hand in shock. The other two friends already knew since we had told them at dinner last night but the blonde was dumbfounded. Alexa and Normani hadn’t seen my ring though and assembled around me to admire the expensive piece of jewelry.
“Yes, we are”, I confirmed with a grin and saw Lauren laughing gently at the sight of her friends all gathering around me.
“Jesus Christ, look at that thing! Maybe I should consider dating a woman if it means I get a ring like that”, Alexa joked.
“What?”, Chelsea asked confused and wasn’t able to understand the insider joke from the previous night where Lauren had teased her childhood friend about being ‘too straight’.
“Join the dark side”, Lauren said and I was the one laughing now. The presence of her friends lightened the mood immediately and I was more than grateful for the three women around me.
“Wow”, Chelsea still gasped and eyed the ring narrowly before pulling something out of her purse and focusing on Lauren. She handed her a book it seemed.
“Italian for Dummies?”, Lauren read the title and her eyebrows furrowed, showing confusion and a little skepticism.
“You and Camila wanted to go, right? Just because there is a little delay in your plans you shouldn’t give up on the idea. Now you could do your honeymoon over there”, the bubbly PR Manager explained the gift and I saw Lauren’s face softening.
“Thank you, that’s really sweet. And a little insulting to my intellect but sweet”, the green-eyed alluded to the title in a joking manner and made everyone smile. Suddenly there was another knock on the door. I looked up to see the woman in scrubs approaching us.
“Well, I see you have brought company Lauren”, the woman said and I assumed it was Lauren’s doctor.
“Yes, you have already met Normani but those are my friends Alexa and Chelsea”, Lauren introduced and there were an exchange of handshakes with the other women before I was up. “And this is Camila, my fiancée.” I still smiled like an idiot when I heard that word but shook the woman’s hand.
“You got engaged? Congratulations”, she said genuinely.
“Thank you. Girls, this is Dr. Phelps. She’s my oncologist. One of the best surgical oncologists in the country to be more specific”, Lauren said charmingly.
“I assume she does this to you as well?”, the woman on the other side of Lauren’s bed asked and I was surprised to hear the doctor being so approachable.
“All the time”, I answered with a smirk because Lauren was hands down the most naturally charming person I had ever met. There had been enough occasions where she had proven her talent to lure people in, not just me.
“How are you feeling?”, Dr. Phelps asked the patient in the room and I felt myself becoming tense.
“Good. A little nervous but good overall”, Lauren replied.
“Some nerves are normal but you are in good hands. Do you want me to talk through it again?”, the doctor asked and I saw Lauren nodding. “Alright, the surgery is probably going take between one or two hours. I want to be very thorough and taking out the lymph nodes takes some time. We’ll remove the tumor and some of the affected tissue, as well as the lymph nodes in your armpit but preserve as much of the breast as we can. You will stay overnight because I want to keep an eye on you. Tomorrow you should be able to go home.”
“When am I going to start the chemotherapy then?”, the dark-haired woman on the bed asked.
“It depends on how your body recovers from surgery. Some patients start their first regimen the day after surgery. Others take a few days to let the body rest. In your case I am hopeful you will bounce back quickly so we would be able to start tomorrow before you leave. But everyone is different. Every body, every spirit is different. Please do not put any pressure on yourself. Chemotherapy is the hard part and you shouldn’t rush it. Especially since you have chosen the dose-dense therapy.”
“Dose-dense? What does that mean?”, Alexa asked full of concern.
“Dose-dense chemotherapy means that the chemotherapy medicines are given about every 2 weeks, instead of a more routine schedule of every 3 weeks. Research has shown that dose-dense chemotherapy can improve survival and lower the risk of the breast cancer coming back compared to a traditional chemotherapy schedule. Personally, I have had great success with this treatment in patients who were young and in good physical health otherwise like Lauren. “
“What’s the downside?”, I heard myself asking before really thinking about it. There had to be a negative side to this though. It sounded too good to be true.
“It doesn’t allow the body much time to recover. Usually, the body takes two weeks to recover and within the third week patients start feeling a lot better. With this treatment, there is no third week. As soon as you feel better, the new regiment is due. This is highly exhausting. Therefore, the most common side effects are fatigue, nausea and even depression. You need a good support system. Needless to say I am very happy to see Lauren having a bigger support system today because that was my only worry when she revealed she wasn’t going to tell her family. It is important for you all to know that she will have good days and bad days. If she has a good day, try and encourage her in everything she does because it is important to sustain a feeling of normalcy as best as possible. Just remember that her energy level could drop at any moment. Don’t be scared but be prepared.”
Everyone was quiet and listened to the doctor’s explanations. I realized how it was starting to sink in what was actually happening. This wasn’t new to me since I had gone through the same thing with my mom but I just now grasped the idea of how hard the next few months were going to be.
“Do you have any more questions?”, the woman in the white coat interrupted my thoughts.
“No, I think we are all set”, Lauren answered.
“Alright, then I will send someone in to get you to the OR. I will see you there in a few minutes.”
As soon as the doctor left, the mood had changed in the room. No one said anything and apparently I wasn’t the only one realizing the seriousness of this moment. The casual conversation from before was not retrievable for any one of us. I took Lauren’s hand to show my support and finally met her eyes again. They looked pensive and thoughtful but not scared. I wasn’t sure what mine exuded but my heart was racing.
“I love you”, she said quietly and smiled to make me feel better which actually just made me feel guilty. Here she was again, comforting me when it should be the other way around.
“I love you more”, I replied and did my best to smile as well.
“And I love you girls as well”, she addressed the other three women beside me. “I hope you know that.”
“We do. And we love you, too. But we are not saying goodbye, understood?”, Normani said reassuringly. Lauren took a deep breath and I squeezed her hand gently before bending down and kissing the soft lips. It was the only thing I could think of in that moment. Everything else seemed trivial. The kiss ended up being longer than I had intended but I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to let go. It was the green-eyed woman who pulled back and held my hand firmer than before.
Looking deeply into the emerald colored eyes sparked something I hadn’t been prepared for. Suddenly, a bunch of images invaded my brain and started playing like a movie in front of my mind’s eye. Starting with the first time I had ever seen her at the auditions for X factor and proceeding with more memories at random. My throat was tightening and I felt tears swelling in my eyes. The amount of memories flashing in front me were proof of how long I had waited for the woman sitting on the bed. This wasn’t how we were supposed to end. It couldn’t end here. Maybe I was being silly because the surgery wasn’t too dangerous but there was no guarantee. There was always a chance of something going wrong. Doctors were just people after all. And we all failed.
“Camila?”, Lauren’s voice snapped me back to reality and I saw how concerned she looked now.
“I know I shouldn’t say this right now”, my own voice trembled slightly and revealed that I was close to tears. “But you can’t die on me, ok? I know I promised you I would be fine if something went wrong but…I won’t make it if you won’t. You have to make it, ok?”
Lauren’s face fell. This was bad and I knew it. I shouldn’t have said that because I didn’t want to pressure her or make her feel guilty but I couldn’t help myself. I was scared out of my mind to lose the one person I had ever loved.
“Ok”, she said surprisingly and our eyes met again. I gulped.
“Ms. Jauregui, we’re taking you to the OR”, another voice appeared and I saw two nurses approaching. There was no time to process the emotional moment we just had. The only thing I felt was Lauren pulling me down for one more kiss. I squeezed my eyes shut and felt a single tear running down my cheek before she released me. This time she didn’t look at me when disconnecting our lips but quickly turned away. She let go of my hand and I felt Normani gently pulling my arm to give the nurses space. They were unlocking the wheels on the bed to bring her to the OR.
“We’ll see you in a few hours”, Alexa spoke up and managed to get a smile from Lauren before she gave me one last look. My heart skipped a beat because of the fear. The fear of this being the last look she would ever give me. The amount of love and affection in it made my entire body ache in a way I hadn’t experienced before. And before I knew it, she was gone. Leaving me behind with her three closest friends, who all seemed concerned for me. My chest was heaving as soon as Lauren had been wheeled out of the room. One arm was put around me and I didn’t even know it was. I was too busy trying to control the vast catalog of emotions I was running through.
One of the nurses returned and walked up to me, holding up Lauren’s engagement ring.
“She’s not allowed to wear jewelry during surgery but she said you should on to it until she comes back”, the red-haired nurse said rather matter-of-factly. I took the ring and was still not in the right state of mind to respond. Instead, I felt more tears falling from my eyes once the nurse left again. Normani pulled me in for a hug and I knew the next hours of waiting were going to be torturous. Even now, after a few minutes I felt this vacancy in my heart. This was different from the separation we had survived before. Never had I felt this incomplete and that was the scariest feeling I had ever come in touch with. And maybe it would be permanent if the woman I wanted to marry wasn’t going to come back from surgery.