Camila’s POV
I opened my eyes slowly when I found something soft caressing my neck. It took me a few seconds to realize where I was or what was happening. Then it became obvious that the woman I loved was kissing my highly sensitive skin. She was lying behind me, her arm wrapped around me while her hand stroked the fabric of my collared shirt. I remembered coming back to the hotel after Ariana’s party and I had apparently passed out soon after. Being woken up like this was heavenly and I enjoyed the affection given to me by the older woman although I couldn’t see her.
It must have been in the middle of the night still, or very early morning, because the sun was not up yet. Knowing at what hours Lauren had to get up mostly, I wasn’t surprised though. I was more surprised about the fact she was being so touchy. Usually I was the instigator but I was not complaining at all. The sensual lips kept pressing against my neck in gradually more daring kisses. I exhaled deeply and felt a little shiver going down my spine before I decided to speak up.
“Are you fondling me in my sleep?”, I almost giggled. “That’s pretty kinky.”
“I thought you liked that kind of stuff”, the raspy voice countered with a gently laugh but the sound of her unmistakable tone furthered my already feverish imagination.
“Maybe”, I whispered but turned around to face her.
“Maybe?”, she repeated in a pouting manner and I smiled as soon as I met her piercing green eyes. “I’m doing some of my best work here and that’s all I get?”
“Why don’t you keep going and I’ll give you another evaluation afterwards”, I teased and saw her chuckling now. She caught me off guard and suddenly swung herself on top me, straddling my hips. I almost groaned when her hips added the pressure of her body weight on my already throbbing area. My hands did not hesitate and ran up and down her exposed thighs. She reciprocated by tracing the middle of torso with one hand very slowly.
“What do you want me to do?”, Lauren asked and I saw her eyes showing excitement but also some nervousness. I knew she felt a little shy in that department because I had been so open with everything but there was no doubt in my mind she could probably let loose even more. Meeting the emerald color of her eyes, I bit my lower lip and shrugged very subtly.
“Whatever you want to do”, I replied casually and wanted to make sure she was having fun as well. “I know I’m going to enjoy myself no matter what”, I kept going to boost her confidence even more. That was what she needed and her little smirk proved me right. The anticipation was killing me already and maybe I was still a little drunk but I felt so on edge. Seeing Lauren just in a t-shirt and panties was not helping the situation. I was still fully clothed but hopefully that would change soon.
As if she was able to read my mind, her fingers grabbed the collar of the blazer I was still wearing and pulled me towards her. I was sitting up now and felt her lips barely brushing against mine. My eagerness showed when I tried connecting our lips but she pulled away playfully, making me squirm. The smirk on her face became even wider but she took of my blazer and threw it somewhere on the floor. Wrapping my arms around her waist afterwards, she leaned down and bit my neck harsher than I had expected. Lauren had a certain affinity with biting but until now she hadn’t shown much of it. That mixture of pleasure and pain was incredibly enticing and I felt like she was setting me on fire already. God, if this was just the beginning I wasn’t sure whether or not I would survive what else she had in store for me.
“Oh God”, it escaped my lips when her teeth scraped my skin again. She knew exactly what spots to work on and finally used her tongue to sooth the fazed areas afterwards. There was still no actual kissing involved and I knew she was teasing me because I loved kissing more than anything; no matter what part of my body she had picked out. Her hands had started unbuttoning my blouse and the white fabric joined the previous clothing somewhere in the room. My own hands wanted to pull off the older one’s shirt but she grabbed my wrists and “punished” me with another bite on the side of my neck. I would look like I had been mauled by animals but I couldn’t care less because this new side of her was making my body tingle like never before.
She pushed me back on the bed and her lips formed a slightly cunning smile as my hips jerked up inadvertently. Her eyes looked me up and down and being at her mercy was strangely exciting. Finally, she bent down and kissed my awaiting lips. She cupped my face in both of her hands while I just held on to her shirt. Her lips moved slowly but sensually, still teasing me and not giving me the full experience of her passionate kisses. I felt her tongue tracing my lower lip before she bit down on the soft part of my mouth and pulled the flesh trapped between her sharp teeth. My breath hitched in the back of my throat, and for a second I thought she might have actually ruptured the delicate skin but she hadn’t. Even if she had, I wouldn’t have cared at this point. I was on another planet by now.
Her lips continued kissing, licking, sucking and biting mine until I genuinely felt like fainting. Being that submissive, and not being able to reciprocate other than kissing back, was torture; a good kind of torture though. She knew kissing was my weakness and working on my sensitive lips that mercilessly would get me going more than anything. I was already way too aroused when she released my swollen lips and wandered further down. Taking a deep breath myself, she did the same and took off my bra next. I couldn’t take it any longer, every single fiber in my body needed some sort of release but Lauren was taking her time and exploring my breasts with her mouth. She basically repeated the same procedure she had used on my lips and applied it to the other erogenous tissue. My hand tangled up in her hair and I felt my muscles twitching at irregular intervals. She was going to make me explode without even getting to the most intimate part of my body; which was embarrassing to me but probably flattering to her.
There was no way I could delay what was inevitable and I frankly didn’t want to. She probably already knew what kind of power she held over me and I had been deprived from this for a while. I moaned loudly and felt my body tense up before releasing what felt like an insane amount of pressure. A warm wave of incomparable bliss took over and made me close my eyes firmly. My hand almost ripped out a strand of Lauren’s hair as she bit down one last time on my erect nipple. Her lips were softer as she realized what happened and just barely touched my skin. I opened my eyes after zoning out for a few seconds and looked for hers. She met them instantly and kinked an eyebrow.
“And you said I was easy”, she teased but I laughed breathlessly instead of fighting it.
“I can’t help myself with you”, I admitted with a slight smile but had no time to recover because Lauren was already halfway done taking off the rest of my clothes. My shorts were gone in no time, just like my underwear. Seeing her scooting further down, I had an idea what she had in mind and I wasn’t sure if I could take that kind of pleasuring for very long either. It wasn’t something she had done often, just once if I remembered correctly, but that was why I was so excited to see her settling between my legs. She demonstrated how comfortable she was with me because that sort of intimacy required that.
I let my hand stroke her dark hair as she kissed my inner thighs and covered every spot with sensual kisses except for my pulsating center. She was way too good at teasing me and the pressure I had just released started building again quickly. My breathing was heavy and my heart was beating at unknown intensity when my mind went completely blank. The slick surface of her tongue just gently brushed against my longing core but she pulled away torturously although my hips jerked up to sustain the connection.
“Lauren, please”, I begged and had no control what left my mouth. The panting was a given and even the frustrated sighs whenever the other woman was trying to make me squirm. Looking down, I saw her shifting slightly and drew up my legs a little. Her hands reached under them and rested on my stomach. I stroked her arm while using my other hand to still hold on to her hair. My anticipation was reaching an all-time high because Lauren was still adjusting and I knew she was doing this on purpose.
Delivering me from my “pain”, I felt her gentle kisses along my most intimate body part. I expected her to make me suffer again but instead she made me moan lasciviously; her tongue was very slowly running through my already very damp folds and sent shivers down my spine nonstop. The agonizingly slow pace of her thorough work down there made everything else disappear. This was not fair…at all. How was I supposed to endure this? I was close after a few strokes of the strong muscle applying more pressure than I was able to withstand. With every extensive stroke, I released an ever louder moan that became more of a growl. She suddenly changed her approach and just focused on the very sensitive bundle of nerves that made every woman go crazy. Her lips closed around it and the suction alone was too much to handle. I squealed and threw my head back as Lauren let her tongue flicker against it in a quick rhythm.
“I can’t…”, I breathed almost inaudibly and felt my entire body exploding even heavier than before. My back arched and I drew up my legs more while my head was spinning. This really felt like blacking out and I was dizzy from the lust the older one was presenting me with. I wasn’t sure how much time passed until my body recovered. Well, it never fully did because my muscles were twitching all over the place and I felt the woman I loved gently breathing on the pulsating area between my legs. Jesus Christ, she was not playing around this time. I was now very sensitive down there and even the lightest breath of air was making me squirm again.
“Oh my God”, I said shakily and tried coming back from that very intense high she had provided me with. Running my hand through my hair, I noticed the layer of sweat on my forehead. When I let my eyes wander further down, I saw my entire body glistening in the same manner and was astonished how worked up I had gotten not just in my head. But then I met a par of green eyes that made my heart skip a beat. I chewed on my lower lip and motioned with my index finger she should come up again. The faint smile on her lips showed that she was pleased with herself; not to mention I was too. She climbed back up and I was quite surprised when I saw her licking her lips seductively.
“You taste nice”, she said and my eyes widened in slight shock. She managed to actually make me blush and it felt like we had reversed roles tonight.
“I guess I am rubbing off on you”, I smirked and put my arms around her neck when she settled her legs between mine. Slowly pulling her in, I kissed the very desirable lips that had given an unfathomable performance.
“Just trying new things. Don’t you like it?”, she whispered against my lips and opened my eyes to look into the intensely green ones.
“I do”, I confessed.
“You like everything, don’t you?”
I slapped her arm playfully but laughed gently with her before pulling her down again, connecting our mouths in a passionate kiss. She didn’t battle me for dominance and I was more than eager to make her feel good as well. Quickly taking off her shirt, I didn’t waste any time and took off the rest of her clothing so I was able to take in her beauty in all of its glory. But when I tried rolling her on her back, she pushed back and instead readjusted herself so she was straddling my hips. Aligning our centers so they were pressed up against each other, I moaned only at the contact. Lauren kissed my neck and started moving her skilled her hips in a perfect rhythm. I did my best to adapt to her movements but she was doing things tonight that almost immobilized me.
My fingernails dug into her shoulder blades and the panting noises of both of us filled the otherwise quiet room. The dark-haired woman couldn’t sustain her kisses on my neck because she was building up her own climax with some very throaty moans that made my skin tingle again. She moaned against the fazed skin of my neck while her hips were moving more forcefully and faster with time. Our bodies were both covered in a layer of sweat by now and feeling them that closely against each other was pure bliss. I scratched the entire length of her spine with one hand and felt her biting down on my neck. She was getting close and so was I; once again. I couldn’t help myself but grope her butt with the other hand. Still holding her close, I gave her a slight smack and heard her gasp in response.
“Oh shit”, she cursed and I was amazed how adventurous and open-minded she was. Apparently she liked it so I repeated it but firmer this time. The slapping sound was louder than I expected but Lauren was quivering and shaking like crazy. I couldn’t take it any longer either and it took just a few more thrusts of the older one before she convulsed in my arms and made both of us moan in complete ecstasy. There was nothing more erotic than seeing Lauren like this. She always looked as if she was completely breaking down whenever she reached the ultimate high of arousal. My entire body felt like jelly but I somehow managed to stroke the older ones back very gently while we were recovering. Her breathing was erratic and I loved feeling her so closely because there wasn’t a single movement I wanted to miss while she experienced something so fulfilling. Her head rested on my shoulder, trying to catch her breath.
It took some time but she faced me again and her flushed cheeks, swollen lips and sweaty face was proof how incredible it had been for the both of us. She bent down and kissed my lips tenderly. I absolutely adored that quality about her; making me feel so loved and safe when sharing the most intimate aspects of our relationship. Even though I joked around a lot and wasn’t shy talking about sex, it was very different with Lauren. It was so different I couldn’t put it into words; it was fulfilling on every level possible. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. The green eyes looked at me full of affection and I brushed some of the hair strands behind her ear.
“That was…quite something”, I whispered with a little smile. But Lauren didn’t really answer. She kissed me and the amount of tenderness and love in those soft kisses were causing my heart to swell.
“I love you”, she breathed and I wasn’t sure what her eyes exuded but they looked thoughtful. “Before I woke you up, I was thinking about how much I really love you. I know that word gets thrown around a lot but I love you so much, Camila. And it’s almost painful to know that you’ll probably never realize just how much because there’s no way I could ever demonstrate it.”
She sounded almost desperate and I was surprised to hear that emotional confession because I hadn’t seen her so fragile in a while. I had been the insecure one recently and constantly questioning her and our relationship. Now I felt guilty. Maybe that was the reason she was feeling like this.
“I know you do”, I wanted to make sure and let my fingertips graze her cheek gently. “I never meant to question your feelings for me and I never have, honestly. It was more my own insecurity and doubts about our future that lead to what happened in Paris.”
Lauren sighed quietly, took my hand in hers and kissed my wrist lovingly. I didn’t want her to believe I wasn’t taking her feelings seriously because I did. I always had and it was partly the reason I loved her that much as well. The intensity in which she loved and was able to show her emotions was part of her truest essence and nothing was more compelling to me than someone who was genuinely themselves.
“I honestly don’t want to go”, she confessed just above a whisper and the sound of her voice was absolutely heartbreaking.
“Just seven weeks and we’re finally done with all the long distance stuff. You’ll come back to Miami, have some time to recuperate and then we’re off to Italy”, I gave back in a soothing manner still caressing her back.
“Finally”, she said and her alarm went off just seconds after. Our eyes met and she placed another kiss on my lips before pulling away to shut off the alarm. “I should probably take a shower.”
I nodded lightly and watched her almost getting off the bed but I grabbed her wrist the last second and sat up.
“I love you too”, I put in as much affection as I possibly could and saw her smiling. We shared one more kiss before she disappeared into the bathroom and I fell back onto the bed. It was strange how quickly our dynamics could change but we always managed to be what the other needed. Whenever I felt weak or insecure, she was strong for me and vice versa. Although people often perceived Lauren as the dominant one in our relationship or friendship back then, I had always known that she wasn’t the unfazed badass she sometimes wanted to be. She was without a doubt the most emotional and vulnerable person I had ever met. As much as she despised herself for it at times, I loved every part of her and her emotive soul was a big part of her personality.
The fact that she came off abrasive or rude to some people was upsetting because I knew she wasn’t like that. She had definitely gotten better when it came to reacting more rationally but she would never be able to completely shed her ways of letting her emotions get the best of her. And I didn’t want her to. At least not for me. I was gladly the more reasonable one in our relationship to ground her when her feelings overwhelmed her. To a certain extend I had always been that. Or even Normani. Our former band mate was also a very calming and centered person in Lauren’s environment and for that reason probably still one of her closest friends, if not the closest. Lauren was able to let herself fall and be vulnerable when she felt like there was someone strong enough to catch her. Otherwise she’d go into what I felt was her defense mechanism of pretending to be unapproachable.
I didn’t know how long I was analyzing and brooding but the woman preoccupying my thoughts came out of the bathroom and walked over to me. Our goodbyes were not getting easier although I wished they would. Hopefully, it would be the last one for a while because I wasn’t sure how many more I could take in such a short amount of time. I sat up again and covered my body with the thin bed sheet while Lauren bent down. Cupping her cheek with one hand, I pulled her in for an expressive kiss and felt her heavenly lips reciprocating in the same way. She inhaled deeply when our lips disconnected and rested her forehead against mine. Looking into her green eyes was still giving me that same heart flutter it had the first time I had ever laid eyes on them. She kissed my cheek softly before I managed to say something.
“Enjoy your time away because you’re going to be stuck with me for a while after that”, I joked lightly to make her smile and even got a small laugh out of her.
“I can’t wait”, she replied more sincerely before giving me one last kiss.
“Have a safe flight”, I said as she got up and became aware she was going to be thousands of miles away again in a few hours. Sometimes the actual distance seemed unreal but she was going back to South America; another freaking continent.
“You too”, she gave back and grabbed her suitcase. Smiling at me once more, she left the big suite right after and left me with that ache in my chest. I knew she felt the same way but somehow that was no consolation. A part of me almost wished she’d be as nonchalant as before but then again this felt more like her. Not that I liked the idea of her suffering. I’d never be able to fully understand how difficult it must have been for her with all the added pressure and scrutiny on her life. At least I was able to live a normal one back in Miami. The idea of traveling the globe and not being able to feel some sort of safety was scary. I knew she liked that sort of lifestyle but she also needed that genuine connection to the people she truly loved and cared for.
And that connection was being upheld more thoughtfully than ever before while we were separated. The next few weeks were filled with Lauren texting me every day and keeping me in the loop with everything that was going on. I was positively surprised how engaged she was after our incredible night after the AMA’s. We made it work and the fact that we got even better at this was a good sign in my book. Of course I still missed her but I was relieved to know we were doing better than ever before while being apart. She felt same; at least that was what she told me every day and I believed that to be true. She wasn’t a very good liar anyways and she had no reason to lie.
Just today she had tweeted a picture of us from Paris and I was happy she had found a way to even share our relationship with her fans without being uncomfortable. It wasn’t the fandom that scared her but the media. I had not known about her fight with the reporter until I had gone back to Miami after the award show. It had been another example of Lauren being emotionally reactive but thankfully the buzz had died down quickly since she wasn’t in the States. Out of sight, out of mind seemed to be right for the tabloids. This way, the older woman was able to be public with us but she made sure never to overshare. I looked at the picture with us standing in front of the Eiffel Tower and read her simple words alongside the message:Miss you so much! I can’t wait to see you #camren
I was sitting on the couch after a long day at the hospital and played around with my guitar when I saw my laptop flashing with an incoming video chat. Frowning at first, I saw that it was in fact Lauren calling in and we hadn’t had a chance to video chat since she had left. So I instantly accepted her call and felt my entire face lighting up when I saw the dark haired woman appear on the screen.
“Hey”, she greeted me with a big smile and my heart leaped in my chest.
“Hi, that’s a nice surprise”, I responded with an even bigger grin and felt butterflies in my stomach like a teenager chatting with a crush.
“Yeah, I have a couple of minutes until sound check and wanted to see you”, Lauren explained. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing, just playing around with my guitar”, I answered and took in the beautiful creature on the screen. She still looked really pale although she had been in South America for a while but her complexion was still flawless to me; just like everything else.
“Sing something for me”, she demanded with a faint smile and looked rather exhausted. My constant worry was something I needed to work on but I wanted to meet her wish and grabbed the guitar next to me.
“What do you want to hear?”
“Anything”, she said but looked excited that I was willing to sing for her. I contemplated what I should sing but I had a song stuck in my head all day and there was also a memory connected to it. Maybe she wouldn’t remember where I had sung that song before but I decided to go with it anyway. Playing the simple guitar chords, I focused on the laptop and tried keeping my eyes open because I wanted to see her reaction.
———————————————————————————————————————————
Why on earth had I agreed to do this? Standing outside of my house, my knees were almost shaking in anticipation of Lauren to pick me up. We hadn’t seen each other since being back home for the holidays but things were progressing nicely in our friendship. The little break had paid off immensely for us and I remembered our exchange of text messages last week, when the older girl had felt so down about her interaction on twitter with fans. Since then we had not kept in touch much but she had texted me last night with an invitation to Taylor’s birthday party. I had struggled with whether or not I should go but I felt guilty for taking out my complicated feelings on Lauren’s sister who had no fault in any of this. The fact she had invited me was a sweet gesture and I couldn’t decline somehow. Even if that meant I would see Lauren again and ran risk of having my more than platonic feelings resurface.
So I had agreed to stop by for an hour and Lauren had insisted she would pick me up. Obviously, she was extremely proud of finally having her drivers license. Although she had no car but apparently her parents trusted her enough to drive theirs. My nerves were flaring up like crazy while I held on to the present for the younger Jauregui sister in my hand. The rest of my family had gone to the zoo and although I never missed a chance to go as well, I wanted to make an effort to rebuild what Lauren and I had shared in the beginning. The idea of being alone with her was terrifying though. We hadn’t been alone since our kiss and the memory of that night was still very vivid. Taking a deep breath, I prepared myself for the possibility of alone time with her when the car approached the driveway. My heart was beating out of my chest when the SUV stopped right in front me. The passenger window opened and I saw Alexa sitting there.
“Get in loser, we’re going shopping”, she referenced the movie Mean Girls and made me laugh quietly.
My fear of having to be alone with the girl in the driver’s seat had been for nothing and I felt relieved. Alexa was one of Lauren’s oldest and closest friends. Contrary to Vero, she didn’t make me nervous or uncomfortable. She was an absolute sweetheart and probably the most genuine out of Lauren’s big circle of friends. We had even spent last New Years together and got along very well. So I gladly took the backseat and saw Lauren turning around to face me.
“Hey”, she smiled and I instantly felt butterflies in my stomach. I hadn’t seen her in just two weeks but that was enough for what felt like cardiac arrest when her green eyes met mine.
“Hi”, I only managed to utter and saw her grinning.
“I like your glasses”, she smirked and I had completely forgotten about my newest symbol of my “nerdiness”. I pushed the glasses up as a reflex and felt my cheeks burning.
“Yeah right”, I scoffed.
“No, I’m serious. They look cute on you”, Lauren insisted and made me meet her eyes again. Oh God, I never should have agreed to this.
“Yeah, you look good. Don’t be self-conscious, I have glasses too”, Alexa tried appeasing me.
“But you’re a super model…literally!”, I added and saw the two friends laughing gently.
“You could be too”, the oldest said and I shot her look that displayed how much I didn’t believe her. “Don’t you have contacts? I wear them since it’s easier.”
“I got contacts but…”, I hesitated. “I have trouble putting them in”, I admitted in embarrassment because my clumsiness and delicate hand work were not a good combination.
“But that’s fucking hard”, Lauren agreed surprisingly. “I’m really good at it though because I used to help Alexa with hers. Do you have them with you? I can teach you a few tricks.”
“I do but you don’t have to do that”, I said but Lauren had already decided she was going to help me, like usual.
“It’s done, Camz”, she said and turned back around to start the car. Alexa still smiled at me.
“I’m happy you came”, Lauren’s friend said in the most genuine tone and I couldn’t help but smile back before she turned around as well. I knew Alexa was happy because Lauren was happy. And that was a sign of true friendship. She wasn’t jealous or threatened like many other girls would be if they saw a new bond possibly endangering their own friendship. The oldest was secure enough in her own connection to the green-eyed girl and I admired that even more about her. The car ride was really enjoyable since Lauren and Alexa did most of the talking. Lauren was a very good driver even though she had just gotten her license. Actually, that didn’t surprise me considering her overachieving Type-A personality.
Arriving at the Jauregui’s home my nervousness was returning but it also felt strangely familiar at the same time. As soon as I entered the house, I saw a few other young girls running around who were obviously Taylor’s friends. I made my way to the kitchen with Lauren and Alexa and discovered Clara and Mike setting up the birthday cake.
“Camila! You came”, Lauren’s dad exclaimed almost shocked and that alone was proof how everyone else had noticed my distant behavior in the previous months. He gave me a big hug and so did Clara afterwards.
“I hope that’s ok”, I said shyly and saw their bewildered faces.
“Of course, you’re practically family, hija”, Clara answered and eased my tension. “You’re welcome any time.”
The birthday girl came up to me next and seemed ecstatic that I had decided to come over. I hugged her firmly and gave her the present with the explanation that I hadn’t had a lot of time because it was so short notice. The youngest made clear my presence was gift enough and she hadn’t expected a gift anyways. She still placed with the other presents and everyone gathered in the kitchen to sing Happy Birthday. Lauren took out her phone and I got out the frame because I knew the fandom would go insane if they knew I was here. Instead, I took my position next to Alexa and sang quietly before Taylor blew out the candle while Lauren made a Vine.
The next part was my favorite: eating the cake. There was no denying I loved sweets of any kind and the homemade cake was delicious. It was a very familial feeling and time flew by as we settled in the living room and everyone chatted away casually. Taylor opened her presents after some time and seemed very happy with my digital photo frame. I had uploaded a bunch of pictures of her with Lauren, myself, other group members, her family members and even my family. It was crazy how close our families were but the vast amount of pictures I had been able to scramble was proof. The thirteen-year-old hugged and thanked me. Her last present was the one from Lauren and I looked over to the older sister who seemed excited. I knew she loved her role as the older sibling and adored Taylor, so I was sure her present would be nothing short of amazing.
And I was proven right when Taylor unwrapped the beautiful guitar the green-eyed had picked out. Everyone was incredibly endeared as they saw the genuine joy on Taylor’s face, who ran up to her sister shortly after to hug her. Apparently she was new to playing the instrument. I didn’t know how but Alexa, Lauren, Taylor and I were the only ones left in the living room after a while and Taylor handed me her new guitar.
“Would you play something please? I’m not that good yet but I want to hear what it sounds like”, the youngest asked and I was unsure what to do. How the hell was I nervous about playing in such an intimate setting when I had sung at Madison Square Garden?!
“Is there something you want to hear, birthday girl?”, I asked with a smile because I couldn’t deny her wish on her special day.
“Something from Ed Sheeran?”
It was no secret I was slightly obsessed with the British singer-songwriter and there was a song that I loved ever since I had heard it the first time. Without further ado I started playing and took a deep breath before focusing on the lyrics. They had a special meaning to me because they reminded me of my best friend who had no clue about any of my annoying feelings. Although she was present, I was sure she was not aware of my personal connection to the song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l3VcoZta9w
“You look so wonderful in your dress
I love your hair like that
The way it falls on the side of your neck
Down your shoulders and back
We are surrounded by all of these lies
And people who talk too much
You’ve got that kind of look in your eyes
As if no one knows anything but us
And should this be the last thing I see
I want you to know it’s enough for me
Cause all that you are is all that I’ll ever need
I’m so in love, so in love
So in love, so in love
You look so beautiful in this light
Your silhouette over me
The way it brings out the blue in your eyes
Is the Tenerife sea
And all of the voices surrounding us here
They just fade out when you take a breath
Just say the word and I will disappear
Into the wilderness
[Chorus]
Lumiere, darling
Lumiere over me [x6]
[Chours]
You look so wonderful in your dress
I loved your hair like that
And in the moment I knew you best”
My habit of not really looking at someone while singing and playing the guitar at the same was a good thing because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to meet the green eyes. But I did, as soon as I finished the song and felt my heart imploding with what felt like too much pressure in my chest. I gulped slightly because Lauren looked teary-eyed for some reason. The look in her eyes was absolutely unreadable to me and for a split second, I thought she might actually feel the same I did.
“That was awesome!”, Taylor’s voice snapped me back to reality and I cleared my throat because of the huge lump that had built up in there.
“Thanks”, I replied and put the guitar back down. My cell phone buzzed and I looked at the screen to see my mom’s text message. She would pick me up in fifteen minutes because they were on their way home. I was supposed to wait outside since Sofi had fallen asleep in the car and they didn’t want to wake her by coming in.
“Um…my mom’s going to pick me up in fifteen minutes”, I let everyone know.
“Why?”, Lauren immediately interjected and sounded almost hurt. “I can drive you home later.”
I was stunned at her instant reaction and wasn’t sure what to say. Instead I pushed up my glasses again and looked for the right words.
“That’s ok. They’re already on their way”, I replied with a gentle smile but Lauren looked upset.
“Hey, why don’t we try putting in the contacts since we don’t have that much time left”, Alexa came to our rescue because the uncomfortable silence was nerve-racking. Even though I didn’t want to torture my eyeballs, it was still better than facing the obviously hurt band member of mine. I knew she liked me being here and she wanted more than what we had at the moment but I had to take little steps and coming here had been a huge one already. So, the three of us went to the big bathroom upstairs while Taylor rejoined her own friends in her room.
I took off my glasses and handed Lauren the contacts. Our hands touched slightly and sent a shiver down my spine that was pretty hard to ignore. But I had to and focused on Alexa who tried demonstrating how I would put the contacts in. Lauren was also giving me pointers and I couldn’t help but laugh softly because the two started arguing which method of theirs was the best one. I decided to go with Lauren’s approach first and did my best to keep my eyes open while the foreign object was placed on my fingertip. As soon as it touched my eyeball, I cramped up and squeezed my eyes shut.
“No, Camz”, Lauren laughed and I was relieved at the sound of her joy although my eyes were burning. “You have to keep them open and look up. Here, look up and I’ll put them in.”
At first I was scared about her doing it but she was calm and made me relax as well.
“Hold still, Camz”, she scolded me because I kept blinking.
“I’m trying”, I pouted.
“Well, try harder”, she laughed and I made the mistake of meeting her green eyes that were so incredibly close right now. Quickly looking up again, I slowed my heart rate and took a very deep breath. Within the first try, Lauren put the left lens in and couldn’t believe how skillful she had been for not wearing them herself. I blinked a few times but my vision was way clearer on my left eye although it felt weird.
“Bow down”, Lauren smirked playfully and faced Alexa who rolled her eyes.
“How did you do that?”, I asked genuinely astonished.
“I’m good with my fingers, I guess”, Lauren blurted out and her eyes widened immediately after that comment. She obviously hadn’t intended for them and it almost sounded like something I would say by accident. Alexa was the first to burst into laughter before we joined and the light shade of red on Lauren’s cheeks made my heart flutter. I was relieved Lauren wasn’t taking it too seriously after all. She could have reacted differently; defensively but she didn’t. I remembered what I had thought about recently when it came to her and my rather wild imagination or dreams but banished that thought instantly.
“Come on, let’s get the other one”, the dark-haired girl said and managed to put in the right contact just as flawlessly as the previous one.
“Damn, now I feel even more incompetent than before”, I half-joked but couldn’t add anything else because my mom was calling my phone. She was probably waiting outside and I heard Lauren sighing. “I should get going.”
I hugged Alexa before saying all of my other goodbyes. Lauren basically escorted me to the front door and opened it for me.
“I’m really glad you came”, she said in a soft voice and looked so endearing it made my heart melt whenever she looked at me like that. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay and I’ll drive you back afterwards?”
“No, that’s ok really. But we’ll do this again”, I wanted to leave it at a good note and saw her smiling gently.
“Alright, then…have a good night”, she replied and seemed unsure whether or not to hug me. I was just as awkward and felt frozen.
“Yeah…um…good night”, I stuttered and ended the awkward moment by turning around and walking up to my parent’s car. Oh God, that wasn’t weird at all, I thought sarcastically. All in all it had been way more fun than I had anticipated. Seeing her still standing in her doorway as I reached the car, she waved subtly and I did the same before getting in. I took a deep breath and felt my mother’s eyes instantly on me. Sofi was sleeping in the backseat with my dad holding on to her.
“You look happy”, my mom assessed and I smiled coyly.
“I am”, I responded simply but that was enough for the older woman to softly squeeze my arm and share my joy. I took one last look at Lauren who closed the door and felt my heart leaping again. Maybe I could actually pull it off? Being somewhat normal in her presence as long as other people were still around. Alexa had been a great addition to us and I was hopeful after tonight, we might actually have a chance to have a relatively normal friendship. In case I didn’t do something stupid again, of course. As of now, I wanted to keep some distance because I was already feeling way too excited about the prospect of seeing her again soon, when I had just left her house. Still, I wanted to keep the good momentum going and replayed the last hour in my head without any regrets for a change.
———————————————————————————————————————
After finishing Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran, I was very pleased with myself because Lauren looked at me full of affection although we were just facing each other via video chat. I was still able to distinguish the warmth in her green eyes as I sang the simple but beautiful song. Lauren clapped slightly after I was done and I grinned in response.
“Do you remember where I played that?”, I asked out of curiosity.
“Taylor’s 13th birthday”, she answered with absolutely no hesitation which surprised me for some reason. Sometimes I still had to remind myself that she had had feelings for me back then as well, even though she hadn’t been aware of them.
“You remember that?”, my voice replied softly.
“I remember everything”, the older woman said just as tenderly and I felt the butterflies in my stomach once again.
“God, I wish I could kiss you right now”, I admitted a little frustrated.
“Just a few more weeks, babe”, Lauren said with a little sigh but I knew she was right. There was a voice yelling in the background and I recognized it as her manager’s. “I have to go. They’re waiting for me at sound check. Are you doing alright though?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I love you and kick butt out there”, I smirked.
“I will. I love you, too”, she reciprocated and blew me a quick kiss before signing off. I kept smiling like an idiot for a few minutes after and felt my heart still beating at an uncontrollable rate. The effect she had on me was not ordinary. Nothing about us was ordinary but that was what made us special.
Our relationship had taken a turn for the better in the last weeks and that continued to be the case until something changed. Lauren was barely texting or communicating with me at all in the last two weeks before her return to Miami. I didn’t want to be worried or overbearing because she had been insecure before but I couldn’t help myself sometimes. A part of me figured she might just be stressed out and wanted the tour to finally end after almost six months of nonstop traveling. I knew the end of the tour was the most difficult time because you were anxious to go home. That could have been the reason for her being distant; to make it even more special when we would finally reunite.
But there was also another part of me that was scared something else was going on. Something she didn’t want to tell me but made her retreat. Going from constant communication to a few texts in two weeks was a drastic change. Knowing Lauren, there had to be reason for it but I didn’t want to be too pessimistic. The idea of her being too busy and anxious to get back was the one I held on to. Mostly for my own sanity, because I couldn’t handle another crack in our relationship that had gone so well lately.
The day finally arrived and I had set everything up for Lauren to come home. It was her home now, right? She had asked to move in with me and I couldn’t wait for that idea to become reality. I had ordered a bunch of sushi from her favorite restaurant and the entire apartment was richly decorated with candles to create a romantic but also relaxing ambience. All day I had been a nervous wreck. I was pacing in my living room and trying to calm down but there was no cure for what the older woman had done to me. My worries in the past two weeks were still somewhere floating around in my mind but there were too many thoughts occupying my busy brain. I jumped a little when I heard a knock in my door and knew it would have to be Lauren. Basically running towards the door, I opened it quickly and saw the woman of my dreams standing there. I immediately wrapped my arms around her and couldn’t believe she was actually here; for good. At least that was I thought. I leaned in for a kiss but she dodged it and made my heart sink.
“We have to talk”, her raspy voice added to my anxiety as she walked inside.
“Alright”, I barely whispered and felt my heart beating in slight panic. Lauren was standing a few feet away from me and the expression on her face was scaring me even more. She looked absolutely exhausted. Her pale skin was one thing but the dark circles under her eyes were more visible than ever. The beautiful green eyes looked puffy as if she had cried before and I felt the need to go over to her and make her feel better. But I knew she wanted to discuss something and I had an inkling it wouldn’t end well. She wasn’t speaking but avoided my gaze, obviously searching for the words to express whatever her terrifyingly rich mind had thought of.
“I think we should end this.”
I froze in complete and utter shock.
“What?”, I exhaled in disbelief, not being able to process what she had just said.
“I…know this must come as a surprise to you but I have been thinking about us a lot lately and I think it’s better for the both of us”, her voice was already shaking.
“Do you?”, I shot back with more anger than I had anticipated but I couldn’t believe what she was trying to say. How would she know what was better for me? How on earth would I be better off without her?
“Yes and I…have taken up a movie role which means I’m going to leave for another few months. I know you don’t want this and you shouldn’t because you deserve more which is why I believe it’s best we…part ways.”
“And you didn’t think you should ask for my opinion before making such a drastic decision to just…end it?”, I asked still completely confused on what was actually happening. “Is this some kind of joke, Lauren? Because that’s not funny.”
“I’m serious”, she replied and it started sinking in that this was not a nightmare but reality. “I know you want different things in life like getting married, having kids and living a normal life and I…may not be able to give you that…ever”, she added but her voice cracked at the end.
“You were the one asking to move in with me. What makes you think I want all of these things?”, I sounded desperate now realizing how severe the situation was.
“I saw the ring, ok?!”, the older one blurted out and I felt my heart dive. “I found it on my birthday and whether or not it was meant for me, it proves that you want those things not too far ahead in the future and I…just can’t.”
She was trying so hard to fight her tears and I didn’t know why she was struggling so much if she had made up her mind already. There was something else going on, just like I had feared but she wasn’t telling me what it was. My own eyes were burning with tears as I watched her justifying her decision. She was right about the ring. It was meant for her but I knew she wasn’t ready. At some point I was sure we would be ready to take the next step and that was why I had it made specifically for her. Knowing it could have pushed her over the edge was the worst thing that could have happened. But I was still convinced this was just an excuse.
“You’re lying”, I said straight-forward and saw her eyes narrowing as I approached her. “That’s not the reason you’re doing this. You’re trying to sabotage us and I want to why?”
The first warm droplets were running down my cheeks when I reached her and she kept avoiding my eyes. I cupped her face in my hands and urged her to look at me but she shut her eyes, depriving me from the emerald color.
“This isn’t you, Lauren”, I tried keeping my voice steady but it was breaking all over the place. “There’s something you’re not telling me but we can get through it, just like we always have. But you have to let me in”, I breathed and took one hand off her cheek to place it above her heart. “Please, look at me.”
Finally meeting the green eyes, I saw an unfathomable amount of pain in them. My heart broke just in that instant. What had happened that made her look even more broken than when I had first met her again? There was a single tear running down her pale face but she wiped it quickly.
“I can’t do this…I’m done, ok?”, she tried sounding harsh to push me away but I knew she was doing it so I would stop.
“Then why are crying? Why are struggling so much if you are so certain this is the best decision?”, I pressed and saw her shaking her head lightly. My despair was obvious when I put both hands on her cheeks again to almost force her to stay close to me. “I’m begging you here. Don’t do this. I love you and I know you love me too. Don’t you think I deserve the truth at least?”
“You deserve a future”, she whispered and I frowned instantly. “And I can’t give you that.” She placed her hands above mine and took them off her face. I felt defeated and she walked past me to flee the scene. She was halfway out the door when I turned around again to almost yell at her now while crying at the same time.
“So this is it?! After eleven years of fighting for this, we’re finally in a good place to build something amazing and you’re just going to walk out?”
“I’m sorry”, was all she managed to articulate before closing the door and leaving me heartbroken. I just stood there for a couple of minutes, trying to make sense of things before it dawned on me that Lauren had just broken up with me.
That realization was like a dagger stabbing me in the chest over and over again. The pain felt real on a physical level as I genuinely sensed chest pains. I broke down. Sinking to my knees and crying almost hysterically. My worst fear had come true. Losing the one person I couldn’t bear losing. I wanted it to be a nightmare and I would wake up and Lauren would be lying next to me, kissing me and telling me we would finally go to Italy. But no matter how much I wanted to deny reality, it crashed down on me, harder than I ever would have expected. Something inside me felt like dying slowly when I replayed the scenario in my head.
Could I have done something differently? Had I pushed her too much? Was there something else she wasn’t telling me? I had so many questions but I knew I would never get answer now that she had left. God only knew where she’d go next. Probably as far away from me as she possibly could. I wasn’t sure how much time passed but it was a while because the candles had burned down a bit, until I stood up with my legs not supporting me properly. Taking a deep breath, the anguish wouldn’t subside and I felt my feet dragging me to the bathroom and opening the medicine cabinet. My heart was racing as I took the bottle of painkillers. One pill landed in my palm and I kept emptying the bottle until I couldn’t count how many there actually were. I wasn’t sure what I was thinking, or if I was even thinking at that moment but I felt my cell phone buzzing.
Dropping all the pills into the sink, I reached for the device and hoped it was Lauren to tell me she had changed her mind. Instead, I saw Hanna’s name flashing on the display. I hadn’t talked to her in forever except for small talk at the hospital. Maybe it was about work and I took a deep breath before answering.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Hanna”, my ex-girlfriend confirmed. “Listen, you should come to the hospital. Don’t freak out because she’s fine but Lauren was in a car accident and you were listed as her emergency contact person. It’s probably just a concussion.”
I almost dropped the phone when I heard the words “car accident” but my brain was in overdrive again. Quickly wiping my tears, I needed to go over to the hospital.
“I’ll be right there”, I said and just hung up because I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t let Lauren do this. There had to be a way I could fix this. I packed my purse with everything I needed and rushed out the door. Just a few minutes after Hanna had called, I arrived at the hospital and ran to the emergency room. I didn’t see Lauren but the blonde woman who I had been with for a while approached me. My hands were shaking and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.
“Where is she?”, I asked immediately and saw Hanna eyeing me full of concern.
“She’s fine, it was a small accident. Apparently she dozed off and hit a tree but nothing more than a concussion.”
“Then where is she?”, I pressed and didn’t care that I was rude. Hanna told me to follow her because Lauren was upstairs for observation. Almost reaching her room, I felt Hanna grabbing my wrist so I turned around and looked at her surprised.
“I just wanted to say that I am so sorry”, the woman voiced but I had no idea what she was talking about. “I know the three of us have a rather complicated past but I called your mom’s old oncologist and if there’s anything else I can do, I want you to know that I am willing to help.”
“What are you…my mom’s oncologist…I don’t understand”, I mumbled because my brain couldn’t catch up with anything at this point. Hanna’s face fell as she realized I was dumbfounded at her words. Her eyes displayed slight shock before she pulled me aside.
“I can’t believe I am always the bearer of bad news but I don’t want to keep this from you after what happened with your mom”, Hanna breathed. “Lauren was diagnosed with breast cancer.”
Everything went black as I fainted.
——————————————————————————————————————
Lauren’s POV
With the white lilies in my hand, I made my way to the familiar headstone at the empty cemetery. Being here was absolute hell after finding out what had changed my life completely once again. Slowly taking one step at a time I reached my destination of Sinuhe’s grave. I put down the flowers and already felt a lump in my throat. Why was I here? I knew why but I couldn’t bring myself to actually come to terms with it. My heart was cramping and I tried taking a deep breath but it felt like my lungs had no capacity left since I was suppressing my building sobs.
I sat down on the grass and took another few seconds before I started talking. Sometimes I felt like a crazy person doing this but I remembered Camila doing the same thing. Camila. My heart cramped again just thinking about the younger woman the pumping organ belonged to.
“Hey Sinuhe”, I started slowly. “This is probably going to be the last time I’m going to be here. So, I came to say goodbye.”
The salty tears were already falling from my damp eyes although I tried so hard not to cry.
“Actually, that’s not true. I’m here to say I am sorry…because I won’t be able to keep my promise after all”, I kept going and referenced the promise I had once given her to always be there for Camila. “I know I have broken my promise before and I hate doing it again but I don’t see any other choice. I…I am sick”, I confessed and held my head down because it still hurt to even say the words. Burying my face in my hands, it took me so much strength to continue talking and not break down completely.
“I can’t do this to her”, I whispered and looked at the marble headstone. “She’s been through so much already and I can’t bear the idea of hurting her so immensely. If I…won’t make it then…this is going to break her”, my voice cracked with another sob. “And I can’t be responsible for that. I would never forgive myself for putting her through that pain knowing how much she suffered. You understand that, right? It’s better this way, isn’t it? She’ll get over it…over me and then it won’t hurt that much if something went wrong. So, I am sorry for doing this to her but…hopefully you’ll understand my reasoning and forgive me.”
Closing my eyes, there were even more tears streaming down my face and I urged myself to stop because I had to go over to Camila’s apartment and do the unthinkable. I had to let her go because I wasn’t able to give her the life she wanted to have, since I possibly had not that much life left. My odds were good and the doctors kept telling me I shouldn’t be too worried, but there was always a risk; with every surgery, with every treatment. Not to mention the chances of the illness coming back. For crying out loud, I was sitting at a woman’s grave who had once won against the same illness but it came back, worse than before and she had no fight left in her. What if that happened to me?
As much as I was scared of that prospect, I hated the idea of Camila being with me even more. I didn’t want her to be with someone who she had to worry about constantly. She deserved so much more in my eyes. A future with everything she had ever dreamt of. And I couldn’t give her that anymore. Even if I made it, I couldn’t guarantee that I would stay healthy forever. There was no way I could let her be with me when she would have to live with that fear.
I got up and wiped the tears before making my way to my car and driving over to her apartment. This would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do but I kept convincing myself it was the right decision. So I got out of the vehicle, walked up the stairs and knocked on the door to break not just her heart but mine as well.
—————————————————————————————————-
Camila’s POV
“Camila? Can you hear me?”
I opened my eyes and just slowly realized where I was. A pair of blue eyes looked at me and I recognized Hanna. All the fresh and painful memories came back. It hadn’t been a dream after all. Apparently I had fainted and I recalled the last words the blonde woman had said to me. Lauren was sick. She fought the same battle my mother had fought and lost. It all made sense now. Her sickly pale skin, the constant exhaustion, the headaches, the back pains and everything else I had connected to the stress of being on tour. Maybe that had played a part in it but she had been sick on top of it and I hadn’t seen it. I should have known.
“Camila, do you need some water?”
Focusing on the older woman, I got up and didn’t want to wait any more time. Something inside of me snapped and I rushed towards the door where the green-eyed woman was supposed to be. My heart was beating out of my chest when I almost burst inside and barely noticed Normani being there. I was fixated on the woman lying in the hospital bed and looking at me in complete horror.
“Are you crazy? Have you actually gone insane, Lauren?”, I blurted out as my eyes were tearing up again. A part of me thought there were no more tears left but I was wrong. She looked so incredibly fragile and small that I couldn’t help myself but cry again. I noticed that she was doing the same thing.
“How could you do that? How could you do the same thing my mom did to me?!”, I said louder and angrier than I wanted but I was not able to control any of my emotions right now. They were all over the place as I slowly walked closer to the bed.
“That’s exactly what I didn’t want”, Lauren answered and realized that I knew about her condition and wasn’t just here because of the mild accident. There was a small wound on the side of her head but nothing more. “I didn’t want to put you through this again.”
“You still don’t get it, do you? The worst thing about my mom dying wasn’t that she was sick. It was that she didn’t tell me”, I explained. “And now you’re doing it too. That wasn’t your choice to make if I wanted to be a part of this or not! It’s my choice and I can’t believe you would just…leave me in the dark like that.”
“I didn’t want hurt you”, she whispered desperately and I saw how much it pained her to see me like this but I couldn’t hold back.
“And that was your choice of sparing my feelings? Breaking up with me?!”, I asked almost hysterically. “You just killed me back there! Don’t you understand that I can’t be without you anymore? This is your fault! You made me fall in love with you all these years ago and you did it over and over again. Now you have to live with the fucking consequences, ok?!”
My chest felt like bursting as I panted and stood beside her bed by now. She was still crying as was I and shook my head in disbelief of what was happening. This wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be happy today and finally start on our new journey. I reached into my purse and took out the little black box I had brought with me. Lauren’s eyes widened in shock.
“What are you doing?”, she asked with massive tremble in her raspy voice. I took a very deep breath and opened the box, revealing the ring she had already known about for months now. Meeting her green eyes, I had no idea what was going on behind them but I was sure of this. I had always been sure of this and I didn’t want any excuses anymore.
“I am asking you to marry me”, I proposed very simply but that was all I could manage right now. She focused on the ring before meeting my gaze while my heart was genuinely close to a heart attack…