Falling asleep with Camila so close to me, was blissful and torturous at the same time. I knew I would have to leave once my alarm went off. The fact that I had pretended to be asleep to avoid dealing with the arising doubt was the even more painful part. I felt bad. But there were times, where I would go back to my old ways and be in denial of what I felt. Unfortunately, I had done it again as I had watched the video and all the unwanted memories had flooded my system. Still, I enjoyed the intimacy of sleeping with Camila, without “sleeping” with Camila. We had done that before but not as an actual couple. It eased my tension to hear her even breathing and I was able to let go of my guilt enough so I was able to fall asleep.
My phone started buzzing at 4 am and I reached for the device immediately, before I’d wake up Camila as well. Apparently I was too late, though.
“Nooooo…”, I heard her breathy voice whining behind me. Turning my alarm off, I turned around to face the younger woman. Her eyes were sleepy and only half open but it was the most adorable thing.
“I don’t want you to go”, she whispered and tightened her arms around me.
“Trust me, I don’t want to get up either”, I replied and saw her brown eyes opening fully. She leaned in and placed a tender kiss on my lips. My heart fluttered instantly when she did that. It was surreal to me that we were actually together now. She let out a big sigh before kissing me again. This time more passionately and I felt a little desperation in the way she held on to me. I felt guilty once again for leaving her, when all I wanted was to just be here. I reciprocated her kiss with the same amount of passion and wanted to enjoy those last moments of affection.
Her leg hitched around my waist and I took a deep breath as she suddenly rolled me on my back. She straddled me and her hot breath fell on my parted lips.
“Let me at least give you a little parting gift”, she breathed and I felt her hand sliding down my stomach. Her fingertips had passed the waistband of my underwear when I grabbed her wrist. Camila looked at me now with obvious insecurity. She sat up slightly as she removed her hand.
“Why am I getting the feeling I’ve done something wrong?”, she asked carefully.
I was still struggling with what had happened the night before and my own stupid emotions. Upsetting her was the last thing I wanted; especially before I would leave. But I couldn’t ignore that annoying feeling of uncertainty when it came to Camila’s commitment- and my trust-issues. It was bound to create some chaos in my head, although I didn’t want it to.
“You haven’t”, I said sincerely.
“But?”
“But I have to leave and if you do this now, it’s going to be so much harder than it already is”, I said and that wasn’t a lie. It was not the most prominent reason for my refusal of her satisfying my needs but I didn’t want her to be worried.
“Are you sure there’s nothing going on? You can tell me if something’s wrong”, her low voice said and I sensed her trepidation. The brown eyes looked anxious and almost scared. I sat up now as well while she was still straddling my lap. Running both of my hands through her light-brown hair, she seemed to relax a little bit.
“Will you promise me something?”, I whispered.
“Anything”, she said in the same volume and stroked my arms in the process.
“When I’m done with the tour, promise me we’ll go to Italy.”
Her face lit up and I loved seeing her perfect lips forming a big smile before she bit her lower lip excitedly.
“Promise”, she said and I smiled as well before connecting our lips once more. Her immediate response was another, little sign to me that she was willing to commit long term, because it would be a while until I would be done with the tour. Those little moments were the ones I needed to silence that voice in my head. Her hand gripped the skin of my arm lovingly and she rested her forehead against mine. Looking into the warm shade of brown made my heart race every time.
“I love you”, I said automatically and it was the absolute truth.
“I love you more”, she replied with what seemed like a sad smile. Her eyes were filling with tears and I hated seeing this.
“Don’t cry, please”, I pleaded and stroked her soft cheek with my thumb.
“I’m sorry”, she said and held back the tears so they wouldn’t fall from her damp eyes. I didn’t know what else to do but kissed her again. More affectionately and with every ounce of love I had for her. Cupping her lower in between mine, like so many times before, I hoped to sooth her. Lessen her distress with my endearment. Her lips were trembling and maybe I was making things worse. So I pulled away and she took a very deep breath before getting up from my lap.
I felt horrible but I had to go because Sofi was waiting for me at the airport. My eyes glanced over to Camila, who was smiling as reassuringly as she could but her smile didn’t reach her eyes. Knowing my leaving was the source for her pain was agony. I had to get up because otherwise I would just stay and never leave.
Saying goodbye was getting harder every time, and I had thought it would get easier because we would get used to it. Turned out it was quite the opposite, because I fell more in love with her every time we got to spent time with each other. I was standing in the doorway to her apartment, hugging her one last time and felt the pain in my chest almost physically. She kissed my lips quickly to hide the fact they were quivering but I noticed immediately. With a very heavy heart, I left her apartment and was more than glad I wasn’t alone this time for my flight.
Sofi was a good distraction from my heartache after that goodbye. Even though the younger sister had experienced her own heartbreak , her excitement for the Teen Choice Awards outweighed her sorrow. That was understandable and I was relieved to have someone so happy and positive around. It was like a piece of home, in a way. Maybe it wasn’t Camila but at least it was something different than being alone all the time while travelling.
The TCA’s were great and my performance went very well. Sofi was all over place and freaking out. The fangirl genes seemed to run in the family and she reminded me a lot of a younger Camila. I was a lot more jaded these days but her excitement was infectious. Events and Award Shows were very important when it came to networking for me. I was able to talk to a lot of talented people from different sides of the business and I was more than surprised when a movie producer asked me if I had an interest in acting. It was something I wanted to do for a very long time and we had a promising conversation about several projects he had coming up. He would bring my name up. There was one movie where the female lead had to sing and he seemed eager for my involvement. I wasn’t sure what to think of it initially but the idea was enticing.
But the evening had to come to an end and Sofi left the following day. My schedule was busier than ever. A part of me had thought my name recognition had died down because I had been living rather low key for the past year but it seemed to have the opposite effect. The amount of interviews, photo-shoots and press in general was insane. It was way too much for me to actually grasp but Chelsea was doing a phenomenal job as my PR Manager. I felt we had made the right decision, in not talking about my private life with Camila. The media would have gone crazy. The interest overseas was even getting bigger and my trips to Europe and Latin America for even more press were mayhem.
Six weeks of promotion for the newly released album went by fast and I had not had a single day off; which meant no time for Camila at all. Except for the phone calls or web chats. Even those were hard to come by. Today was one of those rare nights I was able to set up a web chat. Her face appeared on the screen of my laptop, which was placed on thighs while I was lying in my hotel room bed.
“Hey you”, I said a little exhausted but tried disguising my fatigue as best as I possibly could.
“Hey”, she waved and made me smile instantly.
“How are you?”, I asked casually and saw that she was wearing the leather jacket I had given to her once. Our time zones were different. It was in the middle of the night where I was and apparently in broad daylight in Miami. I was not even aware of where I was sometimes.
“Good. I miss you like crazy but other than that everything is fine. How are you holding up? You look tired”, she said concerned.
“I’m ok. Just happy to be coming back to New York tomorrow. I’ll have an interview all day, another photo shoot the next day but then I’m finally coming to Miami”, I sighed because I couldn’t wait to see the woman on the screen.
“I honestly can’t wait”, she said and bit her lip.
“Same here. Have you seen my new music video, by the way?”
“What was wrong with the old one?”, she noted because I had released a video for the first single before.
“The label didn’t like it for some reason. They wanted more of a storyline that goes with the song instead of me performing. Wait, I’ll send it to you real quick”, I said and looked for the file on my laptop. Sending her the video didn’t take a lot of time these days and Camila opened it while I was able to see her reactions watching it.
http://vimeo.com/11761159
Since the song dealt with an “unthinkable” love, the label wanted to portray that in the video as well and I was able to practice some acting. I liked the way it turned out actually but I couldn’t read Camila’s face the entire time she watched it.
“What do you think?”, I asked carefully when she was done.
“It’s amazing. I love the idea with the varying time periods”, she said and sounded sincere. But there was something she wasn’t telling me and I wasn’t sure what it was until she spoke again. “Who’s the hottie in the video?”
I kinked an eyebrow and was surprised to hear that.
“Are you jealous?”, my voice almost cracked because my throat was strained from a long day.
“No”, she said instantly. “Maybe a little…”
“Come on, you know I would never do something…”, I started but Camila cut me off.
“I know. I’m not jealous you are pretending to be all lovey-dovey with some actor. I’m jealous because he got to spend with you. Everyone gets to spend to spend with you except for me”, she said frustrated and I saw her rubbing her temples. My heart sank a little because she had done an incredibly good job at hiding how upset she apparently was until now. Seeing the façade crumbling was hard to watch.
“It’s just a couple more days and I’ll be in Miami”, I tried calming her down.
“Yeah, but for how long this time? A day? Or maybe two?”, she asked and I heard her sigh even louder now. “Then you’ll go on the concert tour and I won’t see you for months when you’re overseas. I know it’s not your fault and I don’t want you feel guilty. This is my fault.”
“Why? It’s no one’s fault really”, I argued and felt worse after seeing her wipe a tear from her cheek.
“I told you to do this and keep us under wraps but I hate this. I hate that I can’t just visit you and go public places with you. This is so selfish and that’s why I didn’t tell you but it is killing me, Lauren”, she said shakily and I had no idea how invested Camila actually was in our relationship. The doubts in my head were dissolving slowly but surely. I wasn’t the only one suffering this much and my guilt was partly replaced by relief.
“Don’t be upset, please. When I’m in Miami, we’ll talk about this and we should talk about our situation because I hate this just as much as you do”, I admitted and saw a little smile on your face.
“You do?”, she asked.
“Yes. But let’s do this when we’re actually face to face, okay? And when I’m not close to passing out any second”, I added with a small laugh and was relieved to see hear laughing too.
“I can’t wait. Go get some sleep. I love you”, she said and blew me a kiss.
“Love you, too”, I replied before closing the laptop and taking a deep breath. Although our conversation had been brief and rather emotional, I felt better knowing things would change. They had to. Neither of us was happy with what we were doing. We tried but it was just too hard. I passed out exhausted quickly and couldn’t wait to go back home.
Being back in my apartment in New York the next day, was soothing and I felt so much better than the day before. The interview I had agreed to was taking place in my apartment. I wanted to do a more personal interview for a while now and Chelsea had recommended Amanda de Cadenet. They were good friends and the interviewer had a different style. It was more like, having a conversation with one of your girlfriends than the usual Talk Show interviews. There was a lot chaos in my apartment to prepare the taping. I was nervous because there was no structured procedure with the questions. We would just talk and see where the conversation would go. I was even dressed casually in black jeans, converse and a white T-shirt with a little jewelry but nothing too fancy. My hair was falling in natural locks and I wore the signature red lipstick with otherwise subtle make-up.
Amanda, the interviewer, had already taken her position on the couch where I would join her. Someone came through the door and I assumed it was someone from the crew but then discovered Normani.
“Hey”, I greeted her with a hug.
“Someone’s waiting for you outside”, she whispered while I hugged her and looked at her puzzled as I pulled away. “Go on, before you have to start.”
I was so confused that I wasn’t able to really consider the options of who it could be before I went to hallway outside of my apartment.
“Camila?”, I exclaimed in surprise and saw the light-haired woman grinning. She wrapped me in her arms in no time while I was still processing. “What…what are you doing here?”
“I couldn’t wait any longer”, she said and wasted no time in giving me a passionate kiss. I pressed her body tightly against mine and couldn’t believe she was actually here. Her lips on mine felt invigorating and I reciprocated just as eagerly.
“I didn’t want to burst in with all the people in there”, she whispered against my lips before kissing them again, like her life depended on it.
“Lauren?!”, I heard someone yelling from inside and knew that I had to go in. Camila released me and laughed slightly because I probably looked so overwhelmed; which I was. But there was no more time and the younger woman wiped away the red lipstick from her lips before taking care of my smeared ones. She nudged me inside and I walked up to the couch, still a little out of it. The brown-eyed stood in a corner and no one really noticed her. They probably thought she was part of my staff. I took a very deep breath to center myself and let the interview begin shortly after.
It was in fact a very different interview. Amanda was kind and very insightful. I felt comfortable talking about family, friends, the business and even my drug use with all the pressures in the industry. I wanted to come clean and let people know that I had done a lot growing. That was why I was completely honest throughout and forgot I was being taped after a while. I hadn’t looked at Camila because I was afraid that I would smile like an idiot. But that changed with the next question.
“It seems you have done a lot of maturing over the past year. You seem to be in a good place. There is just one more thing missing: a relationship. You are single, right?”
It was the first time I looked up to the woman of my dreams and saw her smiling warmly. She winked at me. It was her way of saying she was okay with me pretending. But I wasn’t okay with it anymore.
“No, I’m not single. I couldn’t be any less single”, I said and saw the interviewer gasp quietly.
“Well, that’s an exclusive right here”, she smiled. “What can you tell me about that?”
“I can tell you that I am very, very, very happy”, I replied with a rather shy smile in return.
“Aw, you’re actually blushing”, the blonde noted and I felt my heart fluttering uncontrollably. “There have been rumors about you dating the British singer Shannon Saunders.”
“Um..we went out for a very short amount of time but we’re not anymore”, I said and admitted for the first time having been in a relationship with a woman. My nerves were definitely flaring up but I was still surprisingly relaxed.
“Is that something you’re comfortable talking about? Your sexuality?”
I paused for a second and contemplated my answer.
“I think so”, I hesitated. “I mean, it’s not something I consciously think about, to be honest. Putting a label on myself, is not what I like to do. I have been with men and women. It’s about people to me, not gender.”
“I am asking because there was a time when you were very young, when you were already confronted with people assuming things about your sexuality. I image that to be very difficult and you seemed to be uncomfortable with it at that time. Can you recall that time?”
“Yeah”, I answered immediately and felt my heart racing. “I can recall that very vividly, actually. I feel like I am constantly having flashbacks.”
“This all started because you were allegedly in a relationship with one of your band members. Was there ever any truth to that back then?”
My hands were starting to sweat while I was taking a second again before answering. At this point, I felt so comfortable with Camila and myself I didn’t want to hide anymore. Neither did she. So I decided to keep being as honest and sincere as I had been the entire time. It wasn’t a decision almost; the words left my lips without me thinking or analyzing them too much.
“We were never dating or a couple although a lot people assumed it and tried proving it vehemently”, I started soft-spoken. “We had a special bond, I would say. She was my best friend and we became close very quickly. But she was also the first girl that made me question what I felt for her. My friendships to the other girls were very different and I did notice that in the very beginning. But I was scared out of my mind to really think about it. It was easier being in denial than addressing what I felt.”
“Which was what?”
“That I…was in love with her”, I confessed and felt tears burning in my eyes. I wasn’t sure why but it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulder to finally say it to someone who wasn’t part of my inner circle. It became real.
“Wow”, Amanda said softly and looked touched as well. “But you didn’t tell her?”
“No, I couldn’t because I wasn’t aware of it myself. The scrutiny of everything I said, everything I did or every look we exchanged was making me feel incredibly vulnerable and insecure. There was no safe place to really discover what I was feeling at the time.”
“That sounds like a lot to handle for someone that young.”
“It was”, I agreed. “People forgot that I was sixteen when we met. She was fifteen. We were just teenagers. That time is confusing enough as it is and being in the spotlight sounds so easy…maybe it is for some people but it wasn’t for me. It felt invasive at times, for people trying to tell me what I felt, when I wasn’t ready to deal with these intense emotions and confusions. That became easier when we got older, but our friendship became more difficult to balance it out, and still make it very painful for periods of times.”
“Do you keep in touch with her?”
I smirked now and felt my eyes watering even more. Telling the story of my relationship with Camila really sounded like a story worth telling, though.
“I guess you could say that”, I tried being coy but the interviewer gasped again. Louder this time and opened her eyes widely.
“Don’t tell me she’s the person who’s making you very, very, very happy now!”, she exclaimed and I couldn’t help myself but just smile and look to Camila for the first time since I had started talking about us. She was crying. But this time she wasn’t upset like the last times; she looked moved.
“She is”, I barely whispered and focused on the interviewer again quickly.
“Oh my god, now I am going to cry. This is the most adorable thing I have ever heard”, she said and was actually tearing up as well. We both needed a few seconds to regain our poise.
“Okay, our time is almost up but we always play this little game at the end. It is rather a series of quick questions we ask everyone. Ready?”
“Alright”, I said because it couldn’t be any more revealing than what I had just shared with her.
“What is your biggest vice?”
“Well, I used to have a lot of them”, I laughed. “But I quit smoking, I don’t do drugs anymore, I barely drink so I am pretty boring these days. Coffee would be my biggest addiction, I think. Or really unhealthy fast food.”
“What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given?”
“I’m not sure if it’s a piece of advice but someone once told me that we don’t actually change until we’re fully ready. We do the best that we can, with what we know and have. So be patient with yourself. I tell myself that to this day when I feel overwhelmed.”
“What is your favorite sex position?”
I laughed in my very loud and distinctive manner when she asked that because it was so unexpected. My cheeks were definitely burning up but I was not a prude, was I?
“Oh jeez…um…I honestly don’t know”, I said. “I don’t discriminate and just one is boring anyways”, I smirked. “I can be dominant but I don’t mind giving up the control at times.”
“And lastly, what would you tell your fourteen-year-old self? Or let’s say sixteen because that was when it all changed for you.”
My facial expression became serious again because that was a really good question. I took a deep breath and saw myself at sixteen before my eyes.
“It’ll be okay”, I said a little chocked up again because I was reminded of how lost and insecure I felt at the time. “I would tell my sixteen-year-old self to not to be so worried about how others see me. Experience love as it was supposed to be experienced for her; and not the way we think it’s supposed to be. I would hope, that she would find the self-confidence to believe that who she is, is all that she is supposed to be; who she is, is good enough.”
“It was a pleasure talking to you”, Amanda said genuinely and smiled teary-eyed while I did the exact same thing.
“Same here”, I replied and heard the director calling cut shortly after.
There were merely seconds between me getting up from the couch and Camila crashing into me with a heartfelt hug. I saw everyone looking at us now but I couldn’t care less. We had suffered enough. It was our time to be happy and I was sick of hiding it. I closed my eyes and held her tightly. Her chest was moving heavily and I felt my own heart beating out of my own chest.
“I’m actually crying, right now”, I heard the interviewer say and opened my eyes to see not just her but Normani and Chelsea crying as well. Even a crew member wiped his tears away rapidly because he was embarrassed.
Camila pulled away so I could look at those brown eyes and she seemed overwhelmed. I knew there would be repercussions for us once the interview was going to air, but I felt it was the right time. Whatever would come our way, I was certain know she’d be with me every step of the way. My doubts were gone.
Since Amanda was a very good photographer, she always made a picture of the person interviewed as a keepsake. After doing my photo, I asked her to make one of me and Camila. The blonde was overjoyed and although Camila was still a little bit of a mess, she managed to pose for the moment I wanted to remember for forever. The pictures were great and couldn’t help myself but turn her head towards me by using me hand and place a tender kiss on her lips.
“I think that’s the one”, the photographer said and smiled.
We looked at all the pictures and chose the one I wanted to keep with only myself. The ones with Camila were all amazing but she was right. The photo of us kissing was special and I asked Amanda to send me a copy of it digitally, so I ended up having it on my phone immediately. Since the younger woman was so stirred, I thanked everyone and went to my bedroom with Camila afterwards.
“I know we didn’t talk about this before but I hope it is okay that I did that”, I said and Camila was silent, making me nervous.
“Give me your phone”, she said surprisingly but I did what she said and saw her fumbling with the device for a few seconds before she showed me what she had done. It was the picture of us kissing and she wanted to upload it on twitter with a caption.
“Are you sure?”, I asked.
“Everyone’s going to find out anyway. This way they will find out our way”, she said and smiled. “Although it is technically not a selfie…but whatever.”
“Do it”, I said with an even bigger smile and saw her tweeting the picture of us with the hash tag: #camrenisreal