June 10 Grayson
I woke up before 6:00am on my last full day with Laurabelle. I couldn't get back to sleep after I used the restroom, so I took a shower and dressed before she woke up. She finally stirred after 9am but only after I bugged her. "I hope your dreams were worth it because I've been missing you," I said.
Laurabelle shrugged with her eyes still closed before she found her voice, "about my dream...let's just say...I haven't missed you because you were there."
"We only have today and half of tomorrow left," I said. An exaggerated pout crossed my face before I pulled her closer and fell into sadness and despair.
"Grayson, our relationship is long distance...we need to get used to being together for short intense visits, and also being apart for impossibly long periods of time too."
"I know, Kansas, I just don't want to think about you leaving me."
"Alright, but it's inevitable," she said, "this is us, Grayson."
"I'm going to the kitchen," I said.
"It's going to be okay," she called after me.
Prelude to a Goodbye Laurabelle
Grayson wasn't in the kitchen after my shower, but I did find Lisa and Lilly eating breakfast. Lisa smiled and asked how I was doing, so I told her how Grayson was acting. She said he was a sensitive guy and probably took a walk so I wouldn't see him cry.
"Lisa, I hope I didn't steal Grayson away from you guys too much while I was here." I said. I tried not to think about the drinking because I thought I could like her, minus that.
"Are you kidding, Sweetie, I've never seen Grayson happier." Her mask slipped a little, revealing something inauthentic. "But the day after you go home, we may be cursing your name if he mopes around too much."
"Yeah, Grayson's gonna to be so depressed," Lilly said before leaving the kitchen.
I laughed at Lilly's candor and told Lisa, "thank you for being so hospitable."
"Well, please come back next year when he's in Texas and you're...well, here," Lisa offered.
"Thank you, Lisa," I said.
"You know...if you guys are still together, you could even stay in Grayson's room...then you'd feel closer to him when he's so far away," Lisa added.
My face blushed to red before I said, "I'll be here so often, you guys'll get tired of me."
"Grrrreat...," she said all drawn out like she regretted her offer.
Grayson interrupted our conversation with his sudden presence. He'd been eavesdropping. "I don't want anyone sleeping in my bed when I'm gone," he teased, "that's just gross." He smiled at me.
"Now, Grayson...Laurabelle isn't just anyone now, is she?" Lisa asked. Then she gave Grayson a condescending, judgmental look before adding, "I know how you love having a girl in your bed."
I was wide-eyed and speechless. Grayson clenched his jaw until Lisa made her triumphant exit from the kitchen. She seemed more like a sister to Grayson than any kind of mother. My eyes were still bugging out over the comment when Grayson came over and hugged me. "I'm sorry I was grumpy," he said in my hair.
"I know. It's okay," I replied.
"It scares me how much I feel for you," he confessed.
I leaned into him and pivoted my head until our lips met over my shoulder. Grayson turned me around, and we stood forehead to forehead. I put my hands on Grayson's chest, and he kissed me wantonly with his whole body in a way you would never would have known we had a conversation about waiting.
"EWW!" Lilly said as she reentered the kitchen.
"Oops," Grayson said softly in my ear.
"I'm way too young to see stuff like that, Grayson!" Lilly's face held disgust.
"Sorry, Lilly," I said.
"I don't blame you, Laurabelle. I blame Grayson." Lilly stuck her tongue out at her big brother when she walked by us to get milk from the fridge.
Grayson whispered in my ear, "I'm going to get ready, so if you need me..." He winked at me, and I knew he wanted me to follow him. I didn't though, mainly because I was afraid he wanted to continue that kiss indefinitely, and my resolve to wait was pretty weak.
Grayson emerged from his bedroom ten minutes later and gave me a playful look. The kitchen kiss, or maybe his time away in the bedroom, washed away his melancholy. He joined us in the living room where Lilly was showing me photos of Grayson as a baby. Photographs he must have hidden from me the night he showed me the pictures of his dad. "Lil...you're going to pay for this," Grayson warned, "put those away."
"I don't think so, Grayson. You still owe me big time after that rated R kiss," Lilly snapped.
"Okay, you have a point," Grayson laughed.
"You're the cutest baby I've ever seen," I told him.
"Ugh! Kansas, put those pictures down. We need to go."
"Okay," I said before handing the photos back to Lilly. I took Grayson's outstretched hand and followed him to the Accord. He started to open the car door for me, then pushed me against the door instead. He kissed me sweetly, completely carefree and playful.
Grayson took me on a "Tour of our Firsts." Argo Tea, Garrett's popcorn, Morton's Steakhouse, and a boat ride that went right by the sight of our first kiss. We walked the streets of Chicago then sat and talked on random benches and sandy beaches. And after a long day, we ended up on the steps of The Art Institute in the comfort of each other where Grayson shared part of himself, "Laurabelle, I'm not great with words like you, but I feel like I don't need words with you. You get me...you accept me...and you don't want to change me. In fact, you never even act like there's anything about me I should change. You like me for me with no demands, no guilt trips, no strings attached. No one, except my dad, has ever cared for me like that," he said. He did have words, and they were sweet and perfect.
"You're going to make me cry, Grayson."
"Well, we can cry together because I'm having a difficult time thinking of us and the distance. I want to see you all the time and touch you anytime I want to," he said so sadly.
"Grayson...," I stopped and touched his cheek, "I'll be back in July, and, you're coming to Kansas City in August. Plus, we'll have breaks from school, and we can visit each other. It won't be as bad as we imagine because we can always be looking forward to the next time."
Grayson sighed with his whole body then said, "this morning when I was alone in my room and you... neglected to distract me..." We exchanged knowing looks. "I researched colleges near Chicago...schools with quality architecture programs..." I knew where he was going before he said it, "I could transfer...to be closer to you."
"What?"
"Well, what do you expect, Kansas? You left me to my own devices!" Grayson's pouty face looked up at me from where his head rested in my lap. I leaned down and kissed him while my fingers ran absentmindedly through his already-messy hair.
"Let's go back to the apartment and get you packed up," Grayson said.
"No, I'm not ready to go," I replied in a panic.
"Hear me out...," he said calmly, "we'll get you packed, then we'll go out and do something fun together, just the two of us."
"We won't stay at the apartment?" I asked.
"No," Grayson answered without giving away anything.
"Where will we go?"
"Leave that to me, Kansas."
"Okay," I agreed.
"Besides,"he said, "it'll be best for you to get your 'goodbyes' to Lisa and Lilly out of the way tonight, then tomorrow...it'll only me."
Lilly helped me pack. I passed her my clothes, and she placed everything in my bag neatly. Mostly, we worked in silence until she asked, "Laurabelle, do you love my brother?" I swear the girl had no filter.
"Grayson and I care for each other very much," I replied.
"Oh, I was just wondering because I overheard Grayson tell my mom that he loves you." Lilly's revelation wasn't really a surprise. He had already told me himself during our abstinence talk.
"Yes, Lilly...I do love your brother," I confessed, "very much I'm afraid." But I had yet to say those three magic words to him.
"Good," she said. "I'm going to miss you, Laurabelle." Her bottom lip began to quiver.
"You could text me sometime," I suggested.
"I don't have a cell phone. I won't get one until September when I turn thirteen," Lilly told me.
"Use Grayson's phone," I said before thinking it through, but surely he wouldn't mind.
Lilly hugged me five more times before Grayson and I walked out of the apartment. Grayson heaved my bags into the trunk. Opened the passenger door for me. Then kissed me as he fastened my seatbelt. Leaving Lilly, the music room, Grayson's bedroom, Chicago...even Lisa, was hard. But I didn't cry. Because I was saving my tears for someone else.
Peaceful Void Grayson
Sometimes, you just knew. And what I knew was this...that without Laurabelle, I would be a fragment of who I was meant to be. She made me a better version of myself.
I loved her but didn't yet know what to do with this realization. It was too early in our relationship to talk about forever. But I would mean it if we did. My life without the everyday presence of Laurabelle was going to be hard. Harder than I thought it'd be. Harder than it ought to be. I'd need distractions. Anything that occupied my time.
Music with Lilly. Movies, shopping. The neighborhood pool, the beach. Kayaking lessons because I wanted to share one of Laurabelle's passions. (I also didn't want her to be so much better than me.) I wished I could whittle away my hours with something productive. But I feared that I'd never find anything good enough to let me dwell in her void. Not in a way that gave me peace about being without her.
Good Things Happen After Midnight Laurabelle
"I don't know about you, Laurabelle, but I'm hungry, and since it's almost midnight, our best option is Taco Bell," Grayson announced within one minute of leaving his apartment.
"What about IHOP?" I asked even though I wasn't hungry.
"Sure...if you want-"
I interrupted, "no, actually...I don't care."
"Really?"
"No," I answered.
"Then, it's Taco Bell...because I'm addicted to fiery tacos," Grayson confessed.
"Hmm, are you sure we're ready to speak openly about our addictions?"
Grayson smiled.
"We must be getting pretty serious," I teased.
"Yes...and yes," he said.
I sipped a Dr. Pepper and watched Grayson eat four fiery tacos. We weren't the only ones at Taco Bell at 1:00am. Which surprised me. But it was my first time in a Taco Bell this late at night.
"Do you have any addictions?" Grayson asked after he consumed the last fiery bite.
"I'm addicted to my iPod," I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," he said, "and try to shock me."
"Um, I prefer shopping in thrift stores over regular department stores," I revealed.
Grayson weighed my confession before responding, "yeah, I can see that about you."
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"Nothing, just not shocking enough...but why, may I ask, do you prefer thrift stores?"
"The clothes in regular stores...they all look the same, and I like unique, quirky things...and I don't mind searching for something, plus, the result is that Saige steers clear of my closet."
Grayson laughed, "yeah, now that I think about it...not many people our age wear pin-striped jeans or Fleetwood Mac t-shirts." He handed me an unopened taco sauce packet; it said, Good Things Happen After Midnight.
I grabbed the rest of the unopened sauce packets on our table and read over my choices; I gave him one that said, I'm Up For It If You Are. He laughed. I was in a daring mood, so I casually handed Grayson another sauce packet. It said, Will You Marry Me? I didn't look at Grayson right away, but when I did, he had this strange look on his face. "I guess I can shock you after all," I said then laughed.
"Yes...definitely, but I'll need a few hours to think over your offer," he teased.
"Don't wait too long," I countered as I jumped up to throw our trash away.
Grayson wouldn't tell me where we were going next, only said "somewhere special" when I asked. I recognized the scenery though. On the way to the lake house. He headed for the beach as soon as he let us into the house with the flowerpot key. I watched him build a fire from the bathroom window for a few minutes before I wrapped myself in the blanket he left for me by the back door.
"There you are." Grayson's smile reached out through his baby blues.
"Here I am," I said joining him near the fire.
He climbed into the blanket with me, my back against his front. Shadows of flames danced across our faces. "Laurabelle?"
"Yes, Train Buddy."
"I'm happy." He moved my hair to kiss my neck.
"That's good," I said.
"It's scary how one person can impact a life so much."
I reached up behind me and touched his mop of messy hair. "Important people are like family," I said.
"You already feel like family, Laurabelle," he whispered, "more than family."
"Grayson..." I barely whispered his name, but it was enough because his name said it all. My heart beat a new rhythm when he reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers.
"Sometimes, I think about how much my dad would love you...I wish you could've known him," he sighed, "I miss him." Grayson shifted his body to look up at the stars. I joined his eyes, looking upward, gazing at the infinity above us.
"I'm sad your dad died, Grayson, sad with you...I can't imagine living life without my dad."
"Thank you, Laurabelle."
"I hurt if you hurt," I told him.
We shifted back on the blanket and faced the fire. Grayson's arm became my pillow, and his other arm crossed over the front of me, blanketing me with safety. Calmness and peace called to me, and I knew I wouldn't be able to stay up all night. There was a long silence. And in it, Grayson and I listened to things only hearts could say to each other. Then, his breath warmed my hair with a whisper, "fiery tacos and you, my two addictions."
I fell asleep, but Grayson woke me just in time to see streaks of yellow, red, orange, and purple dance where the stars used to be. He said I was beautiful when I slept. I told him he was beautiful in a sunrise.
Grayson and I were beyond exhausted but didn't want to waste a single moment together. We ate breakfast-with an emphasis on coffee-at IHOP. Then grabbed some lunch to take with us to Chicago's Union Station. Grayson wanted to get there by noon even though my train didn't leave until 3:00pm. Something about relaxing and savoring our last moments.
I sat on one of the old wooden benches in the Great Hall. Grayson sprawled out on the bench and looked up at me from his pillow, my lap. "The thought of waking up tomorrow and you not being here is...depressing," Grayson said.
"Great," I teased, "now I'm depressed too, but we'll just have to be depressed together...because I'm never letting you go."
He barely breathed, "please...don't let me go." He closed his eyes, and I traced the lines of his face until I thought he fell asleep.
To Be With Her Was Enough Grayson
Laurabelle got out her iPod and put one of the earbuds in my ear at the same time she placed a slow, soft kiss on my lips. I took it for the connection it was (the iPod and the kiss), ways for us to keep constant contact while I faded in and out of consciousness. She hummed and sang every fourth phrase of Train's 50 Ways to Say Goodbye. I felt but didn't hear her laugh at the lyric, "how could you leave on Yom Kippur." Her hands picked up every strand of my hair until I floated on air.
I nearly jumped off the bench with the rhythm of Bon Jovi's "It's My Life." The beat chiseled the walls of my head, but then I breathed and let myself enjoy Laurabelle's fingers tracing the creases in my face. I drifted from song to song, and from dream to dream. Travelled Moments in One Direction. Went on the Run with Snow Patrol. Stood next to Alanis with a Hand in My Pocket. Spoke with Alan Jackson about Where I Come From. Swung on a Wrecking Ball with Billy Ray Cyrus's daughter. Taught Taylor Swift her colors even though she had trouble with Red. Let out a Roar with Katy and avoided a Landslide with Stevie and Lindsay right before I got a Wake Up Call from Adam Levine and Laurabelle.
"Grayson?" I opened my eyes and looked at her. "My iPod battery is running low." Then I handed her my dreams, and she put them away with hers.
Young Love Laurabelle
I played with Grayson's hair and touched every part of his face as he lay on my lap with his eyes closed. I knew he wasn't sleeping because he bit my fingers when they got too close to his mouth. We moved from the discomfort of the wooden bench and sat on the floor beside one of the enormous pillars lining the edge of the Great Hall. Grayson leaned back against the column, and I leaned into him. No one noticed us, but we were aware of each other fully aware that our time was dwindling to minutes. Grayson soothed me with sweet, encouraging words while I tried to memorize the sound of his voice. He talked about his dad, told me there was so much more he wanted to ask him about life. Grayson let me in deep. Told me the last advice his dad ever gave him was that he shouldn't tell a girl he loved her. Not until he was for sure she was the one. His dad said that the words I love you should hold everything in them. Because they were too profound to use unless you were sure. "You said those words to me," I pointed out.
My heart thundered through my body when I turned around to face him. He pulled me on his lap and smiled, pondered me for a few seconds, "yeah, I did." He kept talking, "I've never said those words to anyone except my family," Grayson explained.
I had a heart attack.
"But, it's a different kind of love anyway," he shrugged, "because I didn't choose to love them."
My heart ruptured, and I was nearly dead.
"Laurabelle?"
I could only nod.
"I choose to love you," he breathed the words like it was an epiphany for him too.
More nodding on my part.
"And, It's more than how I love my family...it's about finding part of myself in another person."
"I'm pretty sure you're the other half of me too," I told him. It was Grayson's turn to be touched by my words. "He was wise...your dad," I said softly. And then he cried right in front of me, the kind of cry that was half nervous laughter. The kind of cry with a lot of tears.
"It's almost time...," he whispered into my ear.
"I know."
"We should get you to your gate," he urged.
"I don't want to go."
"Then I'll be responsible and get you on the train bound for Niles and Julie...because if I keep you, they'll never let you leave them again." Grayson spoke the absolute truth.
"Okay, I'm getting up."
We walked slowly to my gate and arrived just in time for me to join the end of a long line of passengers giving the conductor their tickets. I hugged Grayson tight, burying my face in his chest. His heartbeat was fast and loud. "I love you, Grayson," I whispered. He squeezed me tighter. Then I walked away.
I looked back right before taking my last steps on the train's platform. His sad eyes found mine just in time to catch my blown kiss and put it on his heart, and he held it there while I tried not to cry.
When I got on the train, I texted Mom to let her know I was safely on the train and headed home to her. I told her I was sad to leave Grayson and planned to sleep most of the trip home. The conductor eyed me carefully, but I managed to find my seat before crying.
Hey Sweetie! Glad you're on your way
home. You'll see your guy again soon, so
don't be sad. Just take a nap and dream
of him. Love you more than sugar!!! Mom
Mom understood and let me show my feelings for Grayson. She never said "it's just young love" or "you're too young for this to be true love" or various other annoying things my friends' parents told them about their boyfriends. Both Mom and Dad would pick me up at Union Station because Dad didn't want Mom driving alone late at night. He was protective over all his girls, even Mom. I got my iPod out and settled into my seat before texting Grayson.
Hey Boyfriend, I already miss you. I'm
doing better than I expected. Right now
I'm listening to "Fishin' in the Dark" and
thinking of pillows, stars, dancing, and
peeing in the woods. <3 LB
My lovely Kansas, I feel so empty. As
soon as I get home, I'm going straight to
bed and dream of you. I can't wait to fish
in the dark with you again. All Yours -G
After I read his text, I submitted to the rocking motion of the train and let it lull me into a peaceful dream of dancing.
Career Path Grayson
I told Laurabelle about the job offer from a Chicago-based architectural firm. The one my high school friend, Trevor, told me about. His uncle, Mr. Alan Powers, was looking for a summer intern. It was late in the season for acquiring interns, but the firm's previous intern got mono and quit mid-internship. I interviewed a couple days after Laurabelle left and wasn't sure if I got the job. Or if I'd take it if I did.
The offer arrived in my inbox, but I let it marinate three days before I called Mr. Alan Powers back to accept his offer. The internship paid much more than a person should get paid for making copies. Well, making copies and coffee. The real reason I took the job was to stay out of the house as much as possible. Lisa worked nights, and I would work days. Perfect. And if our time at home ever overlapped, I'd just obsess over Lilly.
The job lasted the rest of the summer which impacted Laurabelle's visit in July. We'd only have evenings and weekends together. And it cancelled my August trip to see her in Kansas City. But the position had potential to last beyond the summer because the firm needed help over school breaks. The architects at the firm were friendly and the office staff professional. The firm was located on La Salle, right in the middle of Chicago's financial district. Besides coffee and copies, the internship entailed: delivering mail, running errands, scheduling appointments, and taking phone calls. And wearing suits. My position existed to aide the full-time office assistants. Relieve some of their stress.
I would never forget the way I looked the day I walked into the firm for my interview. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the windows lining the sidewalk. I saw my future. Plus, I loved wearing suits. Laurabelle was supportive. Said she was excited for me.
Scandalous Laurabelle
While apart from Grayson, I spent a lot of time with Saige and Maddy. Both of them were so much more outgoing than I was. But they still included me in their adventures. Activities I later reported as "scandalous" to Grayson. After midnight, we TPed former friends. Former teachers. Former lovers. Climbed fences after hours just to swim in subdivision pools across town. Danced at parties in homes I'd never been inside of even though I'd known the host all my life.
Grayson loved the stories of all the adventures I had in his absence. He was having his own adventure. It was called full-time employment. Thriving was how he described himself, and I could tell it was true.
And so, we were okay without each other. As long as we stayed connected. With phone calls. With texts. With letters. With heartstrings. Missing him wasn't the torture I expected it to be. The longing produced a soothing pain that enticed me love him more.
More Secrets Grayson
I loved Laurabelle's uncomplicated innocence. It was so different from my life.
Lisa drank more now. And not just when she went out. Her best friend and companion was always by her side and often in her hand at home now too. Rum in her Coke. Vodka in the juice. Liquor in her morning coffee. Lisa's perfume was the constant aroma of alcohol.
I didn't let her drive me or Lilly. But it was always a fight. An argument to save her life. Other than that minimal intervention, I wasn't sure what to do. It was against nature for me to be in the position to oversee a parent. Switching roles wasn't fair, and it definitely wasn't easy. The more Lisa drank, the more she withdrew. Lilly begged her mom to rejoin life, but the guilt from the pleading only gave Lisa an excuse to drink more. Besides, Lisa wanted my comfort instead of Lilly's. She wanted my arms to hug her, to hold her.
And honestly, it would've been so easy to give in to her. Did I have a responsibility to Lisa? Was it right to withhold help if I was the one who could give it?
On the last day of June, less than a week before Laurabelle came back to Chicago...Lilly called me at work. Told me Lisa had been admitted into the hospital because she fainted at work. Lilly was safe at the apartment in the company of our elderly neighbor, Mrs. Francis.
I called the hospital from work and found out about the real problems surfaced when Lisa's lab work came back. Her blood work showed an unacceptable level of intoxication. Several different unprescribed drugs were in her system. In addition, the hospital had been investigating a pharmacy shortage. Pulling video feed and interviewing the techs. Lisa was the prime suspect.
I could almost understand the alcohol. Maybe even the drugs. Whatever it took to numb the pain of loss. And escape the grief. But stealing pills...especially when she could afford them...was unforgivable. My step-mother hadn't been careful enough when she stopped to theft.
I approached my boss, Mr. Alan Powers (Trevor's uncle). Even interruped his lunch meeting. I told him everything. Maybe too much. Because my voice choked on emotion. Without hesitation, Mr. Powers gave me the rest of the week off. He told me to keep him updated.
I didn't bother going back to my desk, just jogged to the car. Then sped home to my sister. My first inclination was to call Laurabelle, but I didn't. The whole way home, I tried to practice that conversation in my head. Nothing sounded plausible. Or even believable. Did I just come out and tell her my step-mom was a drunk? That she was addicted to pain medication? Robbing her own place of employment and cheating her patients from proper care? No, I'd hide this from Laurabelle if I could. Pretend she and I could be in an untainted relationship. Let nothing and no one close enough to ruin the precious thing we had. I couldn't risk Laurabelle not wanting to be with me after she found out? She might see my family (and me) as too flawed. Or she might see me morally bankrupt like Lisa was. I couldn't expose Laurabelle to this family's mess...but I also wouldn't be able to completely bury it either.
When Lilly and I visited Lisa at the hospital, she was borderline crazy, irrational, furious, then inconsolable. I couldn't stomach looking at her even when she spoke directly to me. The only thing I remembered from the conversation was that Lisa's Aunt Gert was coming to stay with Lilly. Lisa's behavior really scared Lilly, so I decided my sister wouldn't visit her mom again until it was emotionally safe. It took three days for Lisa to get through the worst part of the detox. And three days before I brought Lilly to the hospital again.
My sister was too young to understand her situation. Or process what Lisa's actions meant for her. Lilly deserved better than this kind of life. She was like an orphan, with a dead father and a useless mother.