Emmit asked what was wrong with Star when we came in the door. Ignored him and ran straight up to my room, slamming the door behind me. I threw my sunglasses against the wall and collapsed into my bean bag chair, crying so hard that it seemed impossible to stop. I tried to breathe through the tears.
“Come on Lia, pull yourself together,” I told myself.
Yet every time I thought I would stop, the thoughts of living without Star and having to use my cane again came rushing back. I curled up into a ball. My best friend in the whole world was sick. She was going to die in a month and there was nothing I could do about it besides drug her up and make her feel even sicker.
My phone buzzed again and I pulled it out of my pocket. There was yet another message from Kurt. I pressed the main button and listen.
“Lia, I’m worried. Please get back to me soon if you can.”
I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and instructed the phone to call him. He picked up after the first ring.
“Lia? What’s going on?” he asked.
I took a breath and said, “Star had a seizure so we took her to the emergency vet and she got an ultrasound and they said she has cysts on her stomach and her liver which are cancer and she has a month to live.” I took another breath. “And now I don’t know what I’m going to do because I haven’t used my cane in so long and I hate it and everyone picked on me and tried to take it away and I love Star and—”
“Lia, you need to try and relax,” he said calmly. “I just want you to breathe right now.”
I took the phone away from my ear. “Breathe? How the hell is that supposed to fix anything?”
“It will help you relax so you can talk to me better, I promise,” he said. “Now, just breathe in and out really slowly.”
I did as he said, and no my surprise it actually worked. My body unclenched and stopped shaking. The tears stopped flowing. I leaned back in the beanbag.
“Do you feel any better?” he asked.
“I do. Thanks.”
“So what is going on, exactly?”
The tears threatened to come once again. I held my breath, but it was useless. “Star has cancer and she has a month to live. I don’t know how I’m going to use that stupid cane again. I hate it so much.”
“Oh my gosh, Lia I’m so sorry. That’s awful. I’m assuming that you’re not taking it very well?”
“What do you think?” I asked through clenched teeth.
He sighed. “You know what? I’ve got an idea.” I heard him get up and start walking on the other line. “I’ve got something that will make you feel better.”
“What are you doing?”
“Just wait,” he said. “I’m going to call you back in like, ten minutes okay?”
He hung up and I crawled to the other side of the room to find my sunglasses. I found them on the floor by the closet. One of the lenses was next to it.
“Great. These were my most comfortable pair,” I muttered. Getting to my feet, I walked over to my dresser with my arms out and felt around for my less comfortable, diamond pink ones and put them on. “Better than nothing, I guess.”
I then went back to the beanbag and grabbed my laptop that was next to it. After turning it on, I went and logged back into Blog Me and started a new post, which I titled “When Things Change.” I wrote:
I just found out that my beautiful guide dog, Star, has developed stomach and liver cancer after being at my side for nine years. I want to write something encouraging and motivational, but honestly all I can say is that my life sucks right now and I really, really don’t want to go back to using that stupid black and white stick to get around.
Sticks don’t have eyes. I could still trip and fall over something. There is literally nothing good about them. A stick doesn’t put its head in my lap and share my lunch. It doesn’t bark or wag its tail when I come in the room. They’re awful.
The moment I put up the post, my phone started vibrating again. I picked it up and answered. I heard the front door open downstairs. Dad probably had to go shovel the driveway again.
“Well, hello there my pretty lady,” Kurt said.
“Kurt, what are you up to?”
“Oh, you’ll see.”
Something sounded different about his voice. It was like I was hearing him in both ears instead of just one with the phone. Then there was a knock on my door. I groaned.
“Hold on, my parents are bothering me about something.”
Right when I got up, the door opened. Before I could scream at the person who I thought was my family member I was embraced. I felt the cotton shirt and the smell I could never describe filled my nose. His lips kissed my forehead as he rocked me back and forth in the hug. I only held onto him tighter.
“How did I get this lucky?” I asked.
Kurt chuckled and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. “I really don’t know, but I ask myself the same question every day.”
“How…how did you figure this out? How did your parents agree to let you come over?”
“Well…as you know they’re both at the coffee shop and the roads are kind of terrible,” he said. “We may or may not have a snowmobile that I took out of the shed and road over here to come see you.”
I sat down on the edge of my bed. “No you didn’t.”
“Well how else would I have gotten over here?” he asked, his voice rising. He sat down beside me, his arm reaching around my side. “Everything is going to be okay.”
I shook my head. “No it’s not. I can’t get around without Star!”
He took my free hand in his. “There is a way to do everything. I know that you can figure out something.”
“Yeah, I’d have to use that stupid cane in the back of my closet. You have no idea how much I hate that thing.”
“You know,” he said, stroking my back. “I could always be your eyes for you when we’re together.”
“But what about when we’re not?” I tiled my head towards his. “What about when I’m on my freaking own? Then what?”
I wrapped his other arm around me and brought me into his shoulder where I started crying once again. Having Kurt there didn’t even help to numb the pain. No matter how safe I felt in his arms, Star was still fading.
“Hey, I have another idea,” he said. “Let’s go downstairs.”
I sniffled a few times. “I don’t want to go in front of my family like this.”
“You won’t,” he said. “That’s because we’re going outside.”
I sighed. “Kurt, I don’t want to ride on your snowmobile now. I’m not in the mood.”
“We won’t, but we’re still going outside. You just have to trust me.”
So Kurt and I went downstairs. I bundled back up and let Star stay inside so she could rest. Kurt let me hold onto his arm are we crunched down the walkway and to my ice and snow-covered driveway. The wind had picked up speed and was burning my face. The snow fell quickly and at an angle, smacking my face from the left. My heart pounded at the thought of falling again.
“Okay, I’m going to let go of you,” Kurt said.
“What? No! You can’t do that!” I cried.
“Just trust me,” he said, and gently took my hands off of his arm. I trembled in the cold as he walked down the driveway. “Okay, now just follow the sound of my voice and come to me.”
My jaw dropped. “I can’t do that! You’re like all the way at the end of the driveway you dick.”
“Your point?” he shouted. “You can do it Lia. Just go slowly.”
I took a deep breath and held out my gloved hands as if something would suddenly pop up out of the driveway. I exhaled and took a shaky step with my right leg. I haven’t fallen yet. This is good, I thought. So I took another step, then another, and just when I was gaining confidence on my seventh step, my foot hit a patch of ice and I flew forward. Luckily, my hands were able to break the fall.
“Are you okay?” Kurt asked.
I sat there on my knees, feeling hopeless. “I can’t do it Kurt! I need Star!”
“Lia, I need you to stop doubting yourself,” he said. “I need you to get back up. Just tell yourself that you can do it.”
I moaned and got to my feet, nearly falling a second time. Arms out, I tried again, using my feet to feel for ice. Before I knew it, something hit me: Kurt. His arms locked around me as he spun me around at the end of the driveway.
“See, you did it! I told you so!” he said.
I laughed, smiling and feeling free as we twirled together in the snow.