Aashi|08
When he closes up on me, my voice seems to get caught in my throat. I guffaw, at him in panic, in perseverance. To not let him win. Boys shouldn't win everything. Especially not our hearts. Only to scar them for lives.
*What better way to diffuse a serious situation rather than by panickingly laughing. Guess what? My voice came out as a squeaky cough.*
Neel takes a step back, giving me some space to breath. And I do, what I should. I slap myself back to reality.
"I won't reconsider, you. You. . . you really reckon me of cream puffs."
"But you said. . . tomato ones," Neel smirks, folding his muscular arms on his chest. I gulp, and try to look away to stop the tremors creeping in on my thighs.
"Umm. . . yeah. You're kind of a mixed kind."
"Thank god, she didn't relate you to some spicy, gay food," Arjun slaps Neel's back, "yeah, I mean think of you being, spicy cream, noodles with chaat (Indian street food)."
"What are you're talking about, man?" Neel laughs. We all look bewildered at Arjun but he just shrugs his shoulders.
Just then, the bell for the morning assembly rings and we all pile up in the front of the school grounds for a good twenty minutes of boredom.
****
As we grow up, people start putting their inhibitions on us, the way we dress, the way we laugh, the way the colours synchronize with the surroundings are something they can't see. They can't see the possibilities. I want to go back to being five, when life was easier.
When I could wear anything I wanted, eat anything I wanted, laugh the way I wanted, play as long as I could and throw tantrums once in a while and people would still love me for who I really am. I count on Ria for loving my sordid ass.
But the one person I couldn't count on was Rohit. Like I used to. Like we should've. And that hurt like a bitch.
Once upon a time, we got into doing sketches. I was saving money for it. There was a book- fair by Scholastic held inside school. He held my hand as we walked into it. He decided on a green sketch book in a minute.
But, I was lost. In a world of possibilities. I wanted to run my fingers through different sketchbooks, peer through the pages as to what they had to offer. I wanted to even smell the way the new pages do as it made my heart happy.
After a couple of minutes, Rohit grew agitated. He said he had to leave. He left me alone in a diverse realm of opportunities. I felt my heart skip a bit. I wasn't used to Rohit leaving me, and I'm the one left for making my own decisions. I was dependent on him that way.
That was the first time I made a decision by myself.
Now looking back to it, and looking the way Rohit has his fingers interwined with Saheema's in the morning assembly, makes me wonder if I made a right decision.
Leaving him was the second decision I made on my own.
****
He kisses me. Behind the space where my ear ended, and the ridge of my neck started. It feels so intimate, as his touch is feather- light but soothingly warm. It sends shivers down my back and there are butterflies fluttering in my stomach. So, when he kisses me next, on my shoulder bone, I can't resist.
"Ro. .Rohit. . can you. . . can you, " I catch my breath, between all the fuzziness, "Umm. . .can we do this later? I promised Ria I would meet her an hour ago. She'll be thoroughly pissed."
"Let her be," he dismisses, taking a deep breath, his eyes deep with a reluctant emotion, "Please, be with me."
I'm not used to this. I'm not used to seeing this neediness behind his eyes.
"I can't. Not now. I have to. . . go."
"Then go, Aashi." His hands drops from my waist, and he takes a frustrating breath moving back.
The memory flicks back through my subconscious mind as our maths teacher tries to solve an algebraic expression on the white board, the blue marker making squeaky noises and cutting through the memories that were beginning to overwhelm me. I'm constantly reminded of the fact that he is two rows away from me. Five feet parted us.
Five feet kept me away and close all at the same time. And it was pretty much fucked up when as I sneak a sideways glance at his bench, I see his hand up Saheema's skirt.
And, I throw up a little. In the back of my throat. Bile rises in my soft palate but I pushed it down.
"Are you okay, Miss Roy?" The maths teacher's voice pierces the silence evident in the class. The shrewd, short man glares at me from top to bottom as I slowly stand up.
"Yes, sir. "
"Why are you so lost? Are you in a different world of your own?"
"No, sir."
"Then come, solve this question that I just wrote on the board."
*Fuck, man. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck it.*
"Okay," my voice is as small as it could be. I slowly make my way to the white board plastered in front of the classroom, dragging the feet and measuring the steps that I take.
I nervously shrug and wring my fingers when the teacher hands me the blue marker. My palms become clammy as I pull the tip off and plant myself firm infront of the rocket scientifical similar question.
I'm mentally calculating and thinking of ways to solve it, as I push the marker forcefully on the board but my mind comes up blank.
Suddenly, a heavy textbook thumps on the ground.
"What's all this noise about?" The teacher yells, walking towards the back of the class.
Amit, Neel's friend, turns around in his seat and points his finger at Neel and addresses our little teacher, "sorry sir, but I was passing the book to Neel. He asked for it but it fell from my fingers."
"Why, Amit? Do you have butter fingers?" The teacher taunts Amit with a bad sense of sarcasm.
"It's my fault," Neel stands up, looking heatedly at me, while I was glued to the ground in front of the classroom, "I should've brought my maths textbook from home. I forgot. "
"So, since you've been causing disturbance in the class, you'll serve the punishment for this apparent commotion. Neel, go towards the board and take the marker from Aashi," the teacher takes a long breath, "and solve the written algebraic expression." Our maths teacher clears his throat and continues, "Remember if you can't, you'll have to stand facing the wall outside class for a week."
Neel nods and starts walking towards me, I can feel everyone's eyes judging me and having a silent laugh. Neel comes swiftly towards me, silently nudging the marker out of my fingers while I stand embarrassed taking in his face.
"You can go back to your seat, Aashi. But. . . from next time, please pay attention in class," Mr Raghuram advises me on my predicament as I take my seat, finally relieved off another buckload of forthcoming embarrassment.
On the other hand, Neel solves the equation in a time period of just two minutes. I gawk at his ease, with my jaw practically ajar.
And when he turns around, smiling charmingly, I close my lower jaw to not look stupid. The teacher careful in his abhorrence, looks at him with another bout of patience while thinking of a better way of insulting him.
"Go back to your seat, Neel. If I find you making a ruckus again, facing the wall for a week outside class it is," Mr Raghuram says, while walking back to his teacher's station and pulling out his chair.
When I peer at Neel, he smirks and winks at me, pushing his hands back in his pockets and walking back to his group of friends. At that specific moment, the bell decides to ring to indicate the dismissal of the forty- five minute class.
I take deep breaths, in relief and lick my lips. All the students pile up in front of the class, making their way outside, while I push my textbook and notes into my book- bag to get ready to walk outside to the cafetaria to find Ria.
The teacher walks out and most of the crowd slowly does, when someone catches my wrist and pulls me back, my chest crashing with a hard one. I take a deep breath, while Neel whispers in my ear, "I think a thank you is in order."
When I look away, panicking nervously in his hold, I see that the classroom is practically empty and only his friends are conversing in the back.
I look back into his eyes, and his green orbs seemed to smile at me, and I say in a breathy voice, "Ria must be waiting for me outside. Now, if you'll let me go," I nudge my wrist from his fingers, he releases them slowly by prying his fingers out one by one.
He backs off suddenly, smiling, "I'll wait for it. Don't forget, one day you'll be very thankful." Just like that he's close to me again, invading my personal space, "will be, very very appreciative," he purrs in my ears, he's so close that I can feel his warm breath on my cheeks, "about everything."
Then, he walks out of the class, sneaking a look at me, smirking.
*What was that about? Uggh. . . Why will I be thankful?*
When I look around, I see that I'm the only one left in the deserted classroom, so I shake my head and walk towards the crowded cafetaria. Thinking that Ria must be wondering what new shit I got myself into.
****
*He didn't understand what he'd done to her but he would by the time he was finished.*
Literally she was, finished.
"What are you writing?" Ria's chirpy voice cracks, when she peers from behind my shoulder, and I cough as I close the screen of the laptop.
"Don't hide it from me?!" she enthuses, snatching it from my hold. She's attempting to open it when someone appears from the devil's home. The incarnation of the devil *himself*.
"Still writing about me, Aashi?" His cold voice penetrates the now silent cafetaria, and everyone's attention is now on us. At least our group of friends' eyes' are.
"Hm. . .m. . . still writing about the sweet love we made?"
Ria gets up to face off with him, as I shrink in my seat, the blood all frozen in my veins. Remember, Aashi, you're liquid.
*I'm liquid. Conforming. Taking shape. Adapting. I'm adapting to the way he treats me. I'm liquid. I'm all tears now.*
"What the fuck is your problem?" A male voice almost roars, cutting the shards of ice with the blazing fire behind his green eyes.