"Brooke," Michael said as I was about to grab the door to the record shop and walk back in. I turned to face him, raising my eyebrows at him to give him my full attention.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Please, don't take in anything that I said..." His voice trailed off the one hundreth time today. "...like, personally. If that makes sense?"
I had to stop and think about that for a second. Take it personally? How could I take any of what Michael said personally?
"I won't." I assured with a smile. Although, even I didn't know what I mean't. We walked into the shop, and I made no hesitation to look for Ashton. And, there he was, tidying up the shelves and shelves of CDs. For some reason, I just stopped and looked at him. His body was turned towards a messy shelf of albums, his hands rested on his hips as his eyes traveled up and down it with his eyebrows together in thought. I tilted my head to the side, smiling to myself as he just...did his thing, I guess. He wasn't doing anything extremely cute or intriguing, he was just...living. Living and breathing, carrying out his duties. As weird and creepy as that sounds, it made me happier and more relaxed than before to just watch him. He looked peaceful, but I could tell it was the complete opposite.
After what Michael told me just minutes ago, it all made sense now. I always knew Ashton had stuff going on inside of his head, but now that I think back on it, I'm so wrong. I'm wrong at the fact that I used to say I know what he thinks about, because I really don't. I really don't know what this boy lives with, and don't think I ever will. He's been pressured too many times, he's been verbally and maybe even phyiscally tortured too many times, and he's worried too many times. Worried about what, though? What else is there to worry about? I know its bad to say that his mother is probably...never coming back...but unfortunately, I feel like that's the truth. Jessie's obviously moved on as well...so where does that leave Ashton? With me, I guess.
Then, it clicked. What Michael meant when he said "Don't take it personally." And when he said he's trying to not put a burden on my shoulders. He meant that I shouldn't feel like it's now all my responsibility to "look after" Ashton. I mean, I don't really think of it like that anyways. To me, Ashton seemed like he was just fine on his own, why would he absolutely need me? I know I'm always there to talk to him and listen to him...but am I really the only thing that stands between Ashton and insanity?
Then again, Michael did say there wasn't a burden at all. He said I pulled him out of that dark place he was apparently in before I moved here, and that he's never going to go back to it. I guess that means if Ashton and I were to ever break up, nothing would happen to Ashton. He would stay the way he is today: happy. Which is good, and I'm glad that Michael's theory makes sense.
My thoughts were interrupted when Ashton looked over to me, a huge smile on his face. "Hurray food!" He sang, taking the bag of thai food that I had grasping onto for the past 10 minutes. I forced out a laugh, and followed him into the break room to sit down. I needed to, I was beginning to feel dizzy with all the things I was thinking about.
...
By now it was 5:30pm, and I'll be honest. By the time we left that record shop, I was about ready to cry out of boredum. But, it beats going home, that's for sure. I had spent 5 hours watching Ashton work, and lucky for me Michael was there too to talk to me when Ashton disappeared among the many isles of CD shelves. As much as I talked to Michael, I never took my eyes off of Ashton. Literally, my eyes were glued to him for 5 hours straight. I just watched him; taking in all his magnificent beauty and tryig to figure out what he was really thinking about. I was unsuccessful, obviously.
Now, Michael had gone home and Ashton and I were pulling up the curb outside the apartment complex. Ashton was how he usually is, which is good, but I still feel like I should get his mind off the obvious things inside of it.
"Hey, wanna go inside this bookstore?" I asked sweetly. I looked over to Ashton, and already he had that huge smile on his face. Eye squinted and dimples out, it made my heart instantly over fill with joy.
"Yes!" He cheered, putting his car in park and hopping out, I did the same, and I let out an excited gasp Ashton grabbed me by the hand, pulling me to the enterance with both of us laughing.
"My people." Ashton said as we walked in. I was taken back by the numerous shelves and sections of books this store actually had. It looked small from the outisde, but inside it was huge. I looked over to Ashton and I couldn't help but laugh at how adorably overwhelmed he looked. I walked over to the first shelf I could see, and my eyes grazed along the titles that stuck out to me. Shit, so many good books.
"Let's play a game," I said as Ashton came up, gently resting his hand on the small of my back. "Name every book on this shelf that you've read."
"Hm," Ashton replied. "Well, there was 'The Prince of Tides', 'Peace Like a River', 'American Gods', 'The Giver', 'Memories of Geisha', 'The Poison Moon Bible', 'The Rainmaker', and 'The Glass Castle-'"
"You read 'The Glass Castle'?" I asked.
"God yes," Ashton replied, a sudden burst of adrenaline seemed to rush through him. "Isn't it amazing?"
"Well..." my voice trailed off. I actually haven't read it. "...I wouldn't know."
"No."
"What?"
"Brooke!" Ashton said, giving me a playful shove. "How have you not read it?"
"I don't know!" I replied, giving a little shove back. "Is it really that good?"
"Yes! Oh my god," He said, pulling the book off the shelf. "It's literally one of my favorite books. Apart from good ol' Mr. Gatsby, this story is amazing!"
"Would you like me to read it?" I asked. Ashton nodded, his eyes wide with excitement. "Yes you have to!" He replied.
"Alright alright!" I laughed. I wonder what makes Ashton love it so much. "What's it about?"
Ashton handed me the book, and I carefully read every line that was printed in summary on the back.
"So basically the girl has fucked up parents and childhood?" I asked. Ashton nodded, and I guess I just found the answer as to why Ashton seems to like it. A personal connection I'll never have.
"Okay Ash," I smiled. "I'll read it."
"Hooray!" Ashton cheered, smiling a sincere smile. I pecked his lips softly, wrapping my fingers around his as we went to the cashier to pay for it.
...
We walked into Ashton's apartment, and I guessed his grandmother was still working becuase it was empty. I followed Ashton in as he tossed the keys onto the counter, slumping his back against it and looking at me. His eyes traveled from the top of my head to the book I held in my hands.
"Geeze, you really want me to read this!" I laughed.
"Well duh," Ashton chuckled. "It's a boss ass story."
"Boss ass story?" I giggled, placing the book on the counter. "Its new terminology." Ashton said sarcastically. I raised my eyebrows in amusement at him, and he just smirked at me. I came up to him, laying my front side to his and looking up at him. Our lips met as he leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to my mouth, and a little bit to the side of it after. I wrapped my arms around his torso, lapping my tongue over his bottom lip. I felt Ashton's mouth curl into a devilish smile as his hands ran down my back-
All growingly intamite movements ceased between Ashton and I as my phone vibrated in my back pocket. I disconnected our lips, backing up and reaching into my pocket. "Always the worst times." Ashton groaned with a laugh. I was relieved it was only a text, and I figured it was from Natalie or something. But, I was shocked to see it was from my mother.
"Hey, where are you?" She had sent.
"I'm gonna be spending the night at Natalie's tonight. I'll be home tomorrow." I lied. I'm not entirely sure how she would feel if I told her I was spending the night with Ashton.
"No, come home. You've been gone for a while." She replied.
My heart instantly sank. I don't want to fucking go home, are you kidding me? Even though I've been gone like, 2 days in a row, I would much rather stay here with Ashton. I stood there, motionless and wondering what the hell I say back to that. I didn't actually know, honestly.
Which got my mind thinking back to what it was thinking about for so many hours today: Ashton. Not just Ashton in general, but everything Michael told me about him. I know I shouldn't worry about Ashton, like Michael said, but I couldn't help myself. Honestly, as I stood there, I wondered what Ashton would say if I said I had to leave. Would he be okay with it like he usually is, or...?
"Who is it?" Ashton asked.
"Erm, it's my mom," I replied. "She wants me home."
The look on Ashton's face as the words left my mouth completely surprised me. That look of complete fear and sadness flashed through his eyes, and no longer did they sparkle. I could see his muscles tense up, and his mouth was now slightly agape. "W-what?" He asked. His voice was quite, and it was almost as if he was breathing out the words instead of physically talking.
This was weird. This was very, very weird. And I had an even weirder feeling about it all.
"No no no, you can't go-" Ashton said, his eyebrows furrowing together. I made no hesitation to walk up to him, wrap my arms back around his mid section, and shake my head no as I burried my face into his neck. I felt Ashton's arms slowly come around me, and they seemed to tuck around me with such gentle force. I moved my head back so I could look at him, and my heart sank even more. The look on his face was something I've only seen a couple other times. His eyes were blank, but they told me so many things all at once:
Please, you can't go.
I can't just be here with out you.
I really need you right now.
Need me for what, though?
"Ashton," I said softly. I put my hand up and soflty ran it over his cheek, then up to his hair to ruffle it up a bit. "I'm not going." I said.
"I just need you, one more night." He said, his voice still a little shaky. This was so odd to me. Why was he being like this all a sudden?
"I know, I know," I said softly, pulling him closer to me to continue our embrace. I let go after a couple moments of a relaxed silence, and pulled out my phone.
"What are you gonna do?" Ashton asked. I unlocked my phone, sent the word "no" to my mom, and shut the whole device off. I tossed it onto the counter, and looked over to Ashton. I put on a fake-sinister smile, and he just raised his eyebrows at me.
"Wow Brooke," he said. Relief flooded over me as his voice was back to normal, and he had that familiar smile on his face. "You're so badass."
I laughed, kissed his lips once more, and wrapped his hands in mine. "We're watching Titanic again, yeah?" I asked.
...
"Now that I watch this movie over again," Ashton said. "They foreshadow so much in the beginning."
By now it was about 11:00pm, Ashton's grandmother had come back but she was asleep now, and we were both cuddled up on the couch rewatching the greatest movie ever. Ashton's body was pretty much ontop of mine, his head resting in the crook of my neck as my fingers ran through his messy hair. We've been sitting like this for the whole movie, our breathing in sync and my hand lazily running from his hair to his back. I've come to the realization that Ashton likes it when I do that, because everytime I do he just snuggles in closer to me. So, obviously, I ended up doing that a lot.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Like when Jack says that getting on the boat is gonna change their lives," Ashton replied. He perked his head up to look at me, his eyes bright green. "Of course it's gonna change their lives they're all gonna die."
"Situational irony." I added.
"No Lovey it would be dramatic irony," Ashton replied sweetly.
"Well fuck I don't need your knowledge right now!" I laughed, kissing the top of his head softly.
By the time the boat started to sink again, Ashton made me cover his eyes every now and then. It was pretty adroable; to see him still so into this part in the movie. "Oh my God, yes." He groaned, pulling my hands away from his eyes and wrapping his hands around my finger tips and tucking them under his chest. I don't think he's realized how much he's played around with my hand in the past hour; but I sure did. "GO TO HIM ROSE."
I watched as Rose hopped from boat to boat, running after Jack again. This part amazes me, to be honest. I mean, she was about to live, yet she went back to die with Jack. Well, maybe she thought they would both live, but nope.
As much as I tried to focus on the movie, I couldn't. My mind was full of a number of things: One being relief at the fact that Ashton seems fine right now, and two being the fact that that could all change in one second. I still don't understand it; he's been nothing but happy since we've started dating, which is what Mchael had told me. Why is it all of a sudden that he's so anxious?
...
By the time the movie ended, it was past midnight. "Remind me to go out and buy that mother fucker on DVD." Ashton chuckled, scooting up my body so his face rested next to mine. With a tired sigh we both went silent for a little while, Ashton's hand softly rubbing over my stomach.
"You know," I quietly laughed. "You have a bed."
"I know," Ashton replied. "But I'm comfy." He pressed a kiss to my forehead and we both went quiet again. "Actually fuck this I have no room." Ashton laughed, getting up and holding out a hand for me. I followed him into his bedroom, softly shutting the door behind me. I dug through the closet for something of his to wear to bed while I heard him taking out his contacts in the bathroom. I decided on a plain white t-shirt that was soft and smelled like him, and those sweat pants that I've come to know and love. Instantly I felt more comfortable. I settled onto Ashton's bed to wait for him, but once again my mind wondered off.
Just ask him about it. I thought to myself. As tempting as that sounds, something told me I shouldn't. Even though I felt like this whole situation isn't a big deal, I really don't want another episode like last night's to happen. Maybe I should just keep quiet, and see what happens tonight.
Ashton came into the room, brushing his hair over with his fingers before hopping onto the bed beside me, both of us sitting criss-cross apple suace ontop of the blankets. I looked over to Ashton, who stared down at his hands.
"I'm sorry," He said after a couple moments. "You're probably gonna get in so much trouble tomorrow."
"Ash," I said. My eyes met his, and he looked pretty tired. We should probably just get to sleep. "I really don't care. I'll just get yelled at, but that's worth being here with you."
Ashton didn't look convinced, so I brought one of my hands under his chin. "Where's a smile?" I said. Ashton laughed, his dimples popping up on his cheeks.
"There!" He laughed. "Now cuddle with me." He pulled the blankets open, laying down and placing me onto his chest. Instanlty I breathed in, Ashton's scent filling my lungs. I breathed out, a tired sigh escaping my lips.
"Are you tired?" Ashton asked.
"Yeah," I replied, nodding into the crook of his neck. "You?"
Ashton didn't reply to me for a moment, which got me confused. "Yes." He finally he said. He yawned before I could say anything else, and shifted our bodies so we layed next to each other.
"Is this goodnight?" I asked. The moon that shown through the window was the only source of light in the room, and it casted a faint glow over Ashton's face. "Mhm." He said sleepily, his eyes closed.
"Sweet dreams." The words slipped out of my mouth.
"That would be situational irony," Ashton replied. He kissed my nose one more time, and settled down once again. "Goodnight, Lovey."
"Goodnight, Ash." I replied, my voice cracked into a whisper. I shut my eyes, yet my stomach was churning.
...
My eyes shot open at the sound of Ashton's voice beside me. "Stop!" He yelled, his body pretty much spazzing next to me. Panic struck through me at an instant, as I recollected my concious feelings. "Ashton?" I said loudly. He didn't reply, he just kept twisting and turning, his breathless gasps echoing through the room.
"Brooke I'm sorry-" he said. I was caught off guard by his words, until his eyes shot open. The moon that was now lower in the sky made them turn a bright emerald, yet they were shining with tears. "B-Brooke?!" He said, his voice raising.
"Yes?" I replied. What the hell is going on. Before I could say anything else, he bursted into tears, his shaking right hand covering his mouth as his eyes were squinted. Tears fell from his no longer calmed eyes, and even more panic and confusion came into me as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling our bodies together. "I'm s-so sorry..I, it- I just.. I can't-" he tried to say. His voice was how it was before: unrecognizable. He sounded so...broken, even though I hope he's the complete opposite.
"Shhhh," I managed to say, running hand from his hair to his back. "Shh baby its okay-"
"Am I s-still dreaming?" He cried, his words muffled against my neck.
"No," I said softly. "I'm here, I'm here."
"Oh my God it was terrible-" His words were cut off by more sobs. It was in that moment that I realized how horrific the sound was. People might say that nails against a chalkboard or tires screeching against a road are the worst sounds in the world, but they're wrong. As I sit here now, I've come to the conclusion that the very sound of Ashton in pain and despair is the worst thing my ears have ever gone through. This wasn't even like him. This shouldn't be like him, why is this happening all of a sudden?
"Shhh its okay," I said softly. I could feel Ashton's hot tears run down my neck and onto the matress as we both layed on our sides, me basically caressing Ashton like a little kid. "You're okay-"
"Please don't go please d-don't go please don't go." Ashton mumbled, his voice still not like how it usually is. I don't know what the hell he was talking about, what just happened to him, or what's happening right now. As vivd as this situation was, and how worried I was becoming, I was still half asleep. Maybe I'm dreaming?
But I'm not dreaming. The cries I heard come out of Ashton's mouth were too real and terrifyingly worrysome to just dream up out of nowhere. I knew this was real, but I didn't know why.
"I'm not, I'm not, I'm not," I said softly. "Take a deep breath." I waited as Ashton's sobs slowly died down, and he slowly inhaled. I was expecting a clear breath to come out of him, but it ws just shaky, jagged, and empty. "I'm right here, Ashton." I whispered, still rubbing his back.
"Why did that have to happen why couldn't I just let you sleep-" He tried to say, but another jagged breath got in the way. "I'm sorry, I just..I don't know-"
"Shhhh," I said again. "I'm still here go back to sleep..." My voice trailed off as the shakiness I felt come from Ashton's body was starting to die down, and his breaths were becoming more organized and less forced and airless. He rested there, in my arms, as if my arms were the only things that could get him back to sleep.
"Why is this happening again." He said out of nowhere, his voice barely audible. I wasn't sure what he meant by "again", but I didn't know how to ask him. Another thought came into my head at that moment as well.
Just say you love him. A voice said in my head.
But I couldn't.
I didn't know why, but I just couldn't.
My top hand moved from his back, to his side, and back up to his hair in soft swift motions as I waited until I was sure Ashton was asleep. When he seemed to be out again, I only brought my arms around him tighter. I'll be completely honest...from all the times I've cuddled Ashton, this time it felt different. It didn't feel like he was protecting me, sheilding me off from any nightmares I could have. It felt like he was just a scared little kid, and I was the only thing that contain his feelings for only a short bit of time.
As much as I wanted to be angry at the world...I was just sad. I was sad, worried, anxious, and extremely heartbroken by everything that just played out. I was so fucking stupid to not figure this out before, but why is it all of a sudden? Once again, I went over everything Michael had told me this afternoon.
And even though he told me there was nothing to worry about, I have a feeling Michael isn't as right as he thought he was.
Michael was incorect, and there was something very, very wrong about Ashton.