"Darlin' I can't explain.
Where did we lose our way?
Boy it's drivin' me insane."
I don't know what happened to me. I was just silently enjoying my simple life. Then one day, you'll suddenly message me,
"Hi."
You asked me if I'm friends with someone and I said yes. I thought that was it. I thought that after answering your question, you're gonna leave and never bother me again, but I was wrong.
You talked to me and asked about who am I. I was hesitant to answer you because I have trust issues, but you proved to me that you were trustworthy.
We became friends, but I still didn't know what was your intentions, until I knew about your real reasons.
You had feelings for my friend and you needed my help. It's either I help you to be close with my friend or help you to move on.
I thought you were using me, but I brushed the thought off cause you're my friend and friends help each other.
I gave you advices. I was there during your bad times. I was there when you were close to breaking down. I was there to help you move on.
I became your virtual happy pill. You always come to me whenever you need advices or just a simple friend who can listen to you.
But during this process, I realized that I was falling for you. I was slowly being attached to you. I was falling for a man who loves someone else.
I kept it to myself. I tried to stop my feelings. I tried to think that these feelings are wrong.
But how can you un love someone who's always talking to you. Who cares for you already. How can you un love someone when you're too attached to him.
I guess you can't.
I waited for how many weeks for you to move on. I waited for the right timing.
I tweeted indirect tweets and hoped that you'll notice that it's all for you. I always check your likes and tweets, hoping that I could see my username over there.
I was hopelessly hoping everyday.
Until the day came when you finally noticed one. You messaged me, asking who was that for.
I tried saying that it was a secret or will just simply deny it. But I eventually gave up. I guess, it's already the right time.
I admitted that I like you, and I was surprised that you had the same feelings. It was very unexpected.
I was very happy and shocked when you said the words, "I like you too."
"And I know I just need one more chance
To prove my love for you
If you come back to me
I'll guarantee
That I'll never let you go."
Days that are full of happiness and love. Those were the best days for me because it was experienced with you.
After the day when we confessed our feelings, we expressed ourselves more.
Everyday, we make us feel that we both like each other. That our feelings are real. Our 'good morning', 'how are you?', 'I miss you' messages were the best.
It made me think that I was the luckiest person to have someone to make me feel this way.
I thought everything will be all happiness and love, but I guess, everyone needs to be disappointed in their lives.
You talked about her again. You started to think about her again. You told me that you miss her.
It hurt me a lot, but I kept mum about it. I told myself that I don't have the right to be jealous because you're not mine in the first place.
I tried to not to think about the pain and give you advices again, just like before. I became your virtual happy pill again.
But you know what, I never really had the courage to let you feel my love. Because of how you're treating me, I was hesitant in letting you feel that I like you. I feel like I'm gonna be embarrassed.
"Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
The way they used to be."
After how many days, I tried to get used to it. I tried to accept that I am just an option. I told myself that it's okay, at least I get to talk to you everyday.
Until, you said three words that broke my heart. Three hurtful words that came from you broke my whole being.
"I will deactivate."
Why? Are you going to leave me? Don't you like me anymore? Did you even really like me?
Those were the questions I wanted to ask but I never had the courage to.
We were fine. We were perfect already. I did everything for you, even though it can hurt me a lot, because I wanted to be with you.
Your reason was that it was wrong for us to fall for each other and deactivating your account is for the best. To stop our feelings to go deeper.
My only wish that night, was for us to be back to normal. For us to be happy again. Or maybe, to be back to where I never met you.
I agreed with you. I told you that if that's what you want, then do it. I can't do anything about your decisions.
And you were actually determined to leave and deactivate your account. I didn't even get to say goodbye properly.
"So many nights I dreamt
Holding my pillow tight
I know that I don't need to be alone
When I open up my eyes
To face reality
Every moment without you
It seems like eternity
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me."
After that day, I always disappoint myself. I expect for 'good morning' messages. I expect that one day, you'll suddenly message me.
Every night, I cry myself to sleep. You wanna know why? Because I missed you. I want to talk to you, but I can't.
I feel like half of my soul was gone when you left. Everyday, I wake up to expectations that will turn into disappointments.
But I believed in Romans 8:18
"The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming."
You came back. You came back and messaged me. I was so happy that I could cry. I was so happy that I just want to go to wherever you are and hug you.
But I never expected that everything will change.
You stopped being sweet to me. You stopped caring about me. You made me feel like you don't want to talk to me, but you're always the first one to start the conversation.
You tweet indirect tweets and it's making me wonder if it's for me, or for the girl that you loved our maybe still love.
You made me confused and doubtful.
I doubted your feelings for me. Did you go back because you still like me? Or did you just go back because you need help again?
I stopped my thoughts and confronted you. I told you that, with us talking to each other makes my feelings for you go deeper, and you said that it was wrong for me to feel that way.
I told you that maybe, we should stop talking to each other to prevent these feelings to go deeper.
I was hurt when you immediately agreed. So, I guess it was just one-sided. I guess, I was the only one feeling this. I guess, you were just waiting for me to say this so that you can leave me.
"I'm gonna swallow my pride
Say I'm sorry
Stop pointing fingers the blame is on me."
Now, I regret everything. I'm going to swallow my pride and apologize to you. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have told you that.
I should have just stayed quiet and enjoyed your company. Now everything is gone. You're gone.
And I don't know how will I say how much I love you anymore.
"Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee."
Thomas, I'm sorry. Please come back to me.