16.
the days have blurred
but suddenly there are warm hands
that smell of home
and it makes me want to gag
come, Ava
her voice is familiar
it is what soothed me
through fevers and flues
sung when I had a nightmare
it told me Penny was a
mistake
and asked if Elliot was a girl
and asked when I was leaving
Ava
sharply this time
hands tugging
tugging me out from beneath warm covers
I hit the cold floor
but she drags me to my feet
roughly and with purpose
I feel her nails digging into my skin
and I begin to cry
stop it
she hisses
stop
her eyes are cold
and the little bit of love
that had somehow held on
through Penny
and heartbreak
and misery
was gone
there was no room for loving me
not anymore
not a daughter who loved a girl
why
I whispered
why are you here
I called the school
who called your don
who gave me her number
Ma's eyes shoot to Elliot
who is standing, shaking
in her pajama shorts and droopy socks
my wooly cardigan
tears in her eyes
Ma has a tight grip on my wrist
we're leaving she says
shoves my limp arms into a coat that isn't mine
I can't believe I let this go on
she is talking to no one
to the people back home who care too much
to the pastor of her church
to Papa who wouldn't have cared anyway
to Gram who told me on my eighteenth birthday
that I was going to hell
no
I shout and rip myself from her grasp
no no no no
I tumble back into Elliot
who holds me tightly
I can feel her shaking
Ava
the eyes that have no room for me
drill into my own
and I shake my head
I let go
I fall
I was once
no Ma
I shake my head
grip Elliot's hand
I won't leave
Ava
her hands are fists
and I remember the day
she found me with Penny
and the bruise
the one that looked like an orchid
that I can still feel under my skin
and I say it again
no
I love her Ma
I love Elliot
I'm staying
heavy words hang between us
and I know she wants to slap me
but maybe we're both too tired now
the shame has weighed her down
and love has lifted me
Ma opens her mouth
closes it
nods once
leaves with her hands still in fists
the heavy words dragging behind her
oh Ava
Elliot turns and buries her face in my hair
I am so sorry
she just shoved her way in and I –
it's okay
I mumble
it was going to happen one day
I'm proud of you
Elliot is smiling
and I can feel the sun on my back
it has broken through the clouds
do you want to go back to bed
asks Elliot
she is still holding me
I think for a moment
feel the warmth of the sun
then shake my head
I think...
I would like to go for a walk
Elliot's face lights up
really? she is beaming
warming me much better than the sun
ever could
oh my summer girl
she whispers
my Ava my summer girl
Ava Ava Ava
we sink to the floor
clinging to each other
and I weep
because I had feared
that she would never call me that again
with Elliot's words
and the sun on my back
I feel reborn
I am anew
I was once
and I think soon
I will be