He stares at me for a second, almost like he can't believe that I just said that.
To be honest, I can't believe I just said that.
"Mary Beth?" He tests the name out.
I nod and cross my arms a little tighter. I already felt physically exposed due to the harsh elements. Now I feel like all my internal organs have been spilled across the semi-frozen ground for Zombie to see.
"I like it," he decides.
I snort. "I'm so glad."
He sighs. "Don't be like that."
"I'm not being any way," I insist, but I lower my eyes. I know what he's talking about. I can't reveal something personal without trying to clam up immediately afterward. That's just my defense mechanism. It's something that has gotten me to where I am today – something that has kept me alive.
Zombie nudges my leg with his own. His pants are rough. The military doesn't provide fabric softener. Shocking. "Croak," he says.
I avoid his gaze still, studying his broad kneecap in comparison to my small one.
"Mary Beth," he tries.
It's on impulse that I look up. Old habits die hard, I guess.
But it makes him smile. Not an outright grin, but a tentative turning at the corner of his lips.
"What, Ben?" I raise my eyebrows. My voice is still a tad harsh, but it's soft volume takes away some of the blow. Plus, Zombie knows me. He knows how I am. The tone of my voice doesn't guarantee my true emotions.
He isn't expecting that reply, or maybe he's still a little surprised that I remembered his first name – his real name. I remember everything this boy has ever told me. I'll remember it and someday I might regret it.
Zombie shrugs and then smiles again. "I just wanted to say your name."
I roll my eyes. "Don't overuse it. I don't go by that anymore." I pause, staring out over the dark field. My lip goes in between my teeth. "And if you tell anyone-"
"I wouldn't. I'm not stupid." He shifts slightly. Maybe his butt is starting to fall asleep like mine. "The things we tell each other... they stay between us."
I give him one sharp nod. "Right," I say. A strand of hair falls out of my ponytail, and I tuck it behind my ear. Stupid wind.
We're silent for a minute. I never realized until now that there has been constant noise ever since I came to Camp Haven. I missed the quiet.
Before the waves, my life was a constant rush. School was noisy, home was noisy, the world was noisy. I used to long for one moment, just one tiny sliver of the day, where I could bask in silence.
After the waves, my life became dependent on stealth and the absence of sound. It used to drive me crazy. When I'd lay on the floor in my automotive shop, staring at the shadowed ceiling, I'd swear I heard an ever-lasting scream. The aliens destroyed the world and sucked her song away, leaving a ringing echo that stayed in the ears of those who were present for her final refrain.
Maybe this isn't the end, though. Maybe we can defeat the aliens, and bring the world back to the way it once was.
I glance over at Zombie, who is once again staring at me. His eyes are hooded, and he gives me a sleepy smile. "What are you thinking about?" He asks me.
"I'm thinking that I've kept you up too late," I say, half-joking. "You look tired."
"Gee, thanks."
I laugh and shake my head. "You know I didn't mean it like that."
Zombie nods. He knows me better than anyone now. "I just have to mess with you."
"You don't have to mess with me. You're just bad at flirting so you resort to teasing me instead."
I take him by surprise there. His jaw drops and he looks at me with wide eyes before he bursts out laughing.
My eyes widen, but for a different reason. "Shut up!" I hiss, kicking at his leg. "Shut up; you're going to get us busted!"
He covers his mouth, trying to muffle the sounds but small chuckles still make their way out. "Damn, Croak," he finally says when he regains control. "Way to bust my balls."
I shrug and mockingly say, "I just have to mess with you."
Zombie rolls his eyes. "Would you believe me if I told you that I used to be good at flirting?"
"Oh, I bet." I bump his knee. "Football star? All the girls must have been clamoring for you."
Now it's his turn to shrug. "I did all right."
"Don't be modest. I know how high school girls are. I used to be one of them, remember?"
"That's hard for me to picture," Zombie admits. "You're so... tough. Non-materialistic."
"Yeah, you kind of have to be if you're going to survive an alien apocalypse," I sneer.
"What were you like before?" He asks, cocking his head to the side. "You know about me. What about you?"
Yikes. Of course he would ask me about that.
"I was different," I say. That's the obvious answer. He's patient. He knows this is hard. I study my knees, letting my fingers trace the bones beneath. He follows my strokes with his eyes. "I was a lot... softer, I guess. Really girl-y. I was sweet and giggly. Don't get me wrong, I was still pretty tough. I wouldn't cry all the time and stuff. But I wasn't strong like I am now."
I stop when my throat feels tight. I don't know if it's from embarrassment or longing.
"Do you ever miss it?" Zombie asks. "Being Mary Beth?"
"No," I say quickly. Too quickly. His eyes narrow. I look away, back to my knees. "Do you miss Ben?"
"Yes," he says.
I wish I could be like Zombie. He's comfortable with himself, able to admit to things I am afraid to even think.
"Why do you miss him?" I sniff.
Zombie lets out a breath. Out of my peripheral vision, I can see him twiddling his thumbs. "I don't know," he sighs. "I guess I just miss the people who were with him."
I nod. That I can understand.
A question comes to mind, and I'm almost afraid to ask it. Zombie has asked me many personal questions though, very difficult questions to answer, so I don't see any harm in asking one of my own.
"I've told you about my brother," I say slowly. "Tell me about your sister."
He doesn't talk for a long time. I know this is hard for him. I let him take all the time he needs, still tracing my finger along the dependable bones.
"Sissy was..." His voice breaks and he clears his throat. "She was important, you know? Most people fight with their siblings. They can't stand 'em. Don't want to be within three feet of them. But I loved my sister."
He swallows. "She thought she was really funny. She would make some random joke that made no sense at all, but then she would laugh and it would make me laugh. She was always so happy."
I see him shift again. I risk a glance at his face. He's looking at the grass. There's no tears on his face. Ben is dying. The part of Ben that belonged to his sister is dying. I'm watching him go and part of me wants to stop him from talking, to let him keep this part of himself internalized so he'll never lose it. But the other part knows that this is cathartic and he needs to let go.
"All I ever wanted to do was make sure that she was happy and safe." His voice turns bitter. "I did a great job at it."
"Zombie," I call softly. Hesitantly, he brings his eyes to meet mine. They're dead, lifeless, soulless. He has become his namesake. "In this world, she's safer dead than she would be in your arms."
My words are harsh, cruel, horrible. But Zombie is someone who understands those words as the truth instead of dwelling on their severity. "I know," he says. "That's why I want to kill them." There's no amp to his voice. He states it like he's reciting it from a textbook. "We're going to make them pay."
"Yeah, we will," I whisper.
I don't want to admit it, but it unnerves me to see Zombie this way. So... soldier-like.
He must pick up on this because he complete 180s his mood.
"I really want to kiss you right now."
I turn towards him, incredulous. "What?"
Zombie shrugs. "I want to kiss you."
I'm not sure what possesses me, but I ask him, "Why?"
"Just..." He shuffles around in his spot. "I feel really close to you. We're alone. It's late at night. Your hair has strands in your face, and you just look really damn good."
"You better not kiss me right now," I warn. "Not after we just talked about your dead sister." I have to repress the urge to cringe. Okay, that was a low blow.
He snorts. Maybe he's still in Zombie form, where everything rolls off his dead flesh. "Yeah, she's kind of a mood-killer, huh?" There's no emotion in his tone.
"Well..." Now it's my turn to scoot around. "Besides that, you're almost asking permission to kiss me. That's so..."
"Unromantic?" He quirks an eyebrow and smirks, but his eyes are still a little dull.
Now I really cringe. "Yeah, I guess. Or just... bleh. Don't do that. If you really want to plant one on me so bad, just do it next time."
He's becoming more himself again as I tease him. His grin broadens and he sits up straight. "Okay, maybe I will," he says. "Maybe tomorrow morning, after graduation, I'll pull you into a dip and kiss you. Right in front of everyone." Now he's full on beaming. He inclines his head. "How about that?"
Now a giant grin is stretching my face. "It's a wonder you got any girls before this."
Zombie laughs. "Oh, shut up."