It was my first night in my condo, and as I sat on my couch watching TV, I thought about the past couple of months and all that had happened. Who knew that I'd buy not one, but two homes in that short amount of time? Or that I'd see a ghost, which I'd never even believed in before? Or that I'd almost cut my arm off and not be able to do hair for a couple of months? Or that I'd practically be possessed and forced to kill my friend? I sure didn't. But here I sit with my arm still in a cast as proof.
I looked down at the graffiti that everyone had tagged my cast with and couldn't help but smile. They all thought it'd be funny to not only sign their name, but to draw a picture to represent each of them. Chad had drawn a little ghost, which I didn't think was too funny, but then again, he was a ghost hunter. And seeing as how he worked in a factory that made motorcycle parts, I figured that the ghost would be more fitting. Kim drew a dog, since she worked at an animal hospital, and Eric . . . well, let's just say I had to make him change his.
"I can't walk around in public with that on my cast," I had fussed.
"Okay, okay," he said as he colored in his picture and ended up making it look like a color bottle was squirting color out of it. "Is this better, Miss Prim and Proper?"
"Much."
Jenn had drawn a house, of course, with a sold sign on it. She had been surprised when I wanted to sell my house so quickly after moving in, but when I told her about the inhabitants that were there before me, she understood. "I wouldn't want to live there, either," she admitted. "But the bad thing is, you might have to get another Realtor to sell it."
"Why?"
"Because I can't sell your house knowing that it is haunted. Well, I could sell it, but I would have to disclose the fact that it's haunted to potential buyers, which might make it tough to sell. And when you get another Realtor to sell it, don't tell them. You need to keep that little secret to yourself." And I did.
I had stayed with Chad until I found another place to live, which only took a few weeks. Jenn convinced me to take a look at a condo, which I hadn't planned on doing, and I ended up falling in love with it. I had liked the security and convenience of Chad's, which mine also had, and I liked the fact that I wouldn't have to maintain a yard and landscaping, or make Kim and Eric help me, so it ended up being a good option. I actually sold my house for more than I originally paid for it, so I had some extra money to pay down, letting me get the condo that I wanted, which was by the lake. I think Chad was even jealous.
"You can come stay with me," I teased him, "and sleep on my couch."
"Is it bloody? If not, I think I'll stick to mine." They had gotten my blood off of his, but it did stain it slightly, but only enough for us to notice.
When my house sold, I was elated to be rid of it. The medium and pastor went and cleansed it before I put it on the market, but I don't know if it worked or not; I never stepped foot back in the house since the day that I thought I'd killed Chad. I could still see his bashed in face sometimes and it still turned my stomach. I hope that over time, like all memories, it would fade. But even faded memories have a way of sneaking back into your life when you least expect it.
I did drive by my house—my old house—watching the new family move in. As I pulled around the cul-de-sac, I missed my home. Not actually my home, but the feeling I had when I'd first bought it. I slowly turned around, watching them with the same excitement on their faces that I'd probably had on mine. It looked to be a husband and wife; no kids, thank goodness. I caught myself looking toward my old bedroom, but there weren't any curtains up yet that might be pulled back, so I drove off, never driving down that street again.
Over the past few weeks, Chad and I had gotten to an awkward place in our friendship. We were both obviously attracted to each other, but neither one had acted on it. Sometimes his hand would brush mine and he would smile, or he would wrap his arm around me, only to let go a few seconds later. Sometimes I thought we were both too stubborn and were just waiting on the other one to make a move first. At times, there was nothing I wanted more than to feel his lips pressed against mine, but he would just smile at me instead. I guess a Chad Bales smile was better than nothing.
"Just bang him already," Eric had said one day at work. He didn't realize that it wasn't that simple.
After Billy, I had a hard time trusting people, especially guys. When they were out with friends or late, I always questioned them about it, thinking the worst. I cared too much about Chad to put him through that. He deserved someone better than me; someone who wasn't broken.
So here I am, watching TV in my new condo, thankful that I'd survived through all I had. My arm is still healing and I'm able to move my fingers better every day, and with therapy, I hope it will only get better. And as I sit here, wondering what Chad was doing, my lamp flickers.
No. Not here. Not again. No, no, no.
When it kept flickering, I got up to tighten the bulb, hoping that would be the problem, and sure enough, the light stopped flickering. I sat back down, trying to relax again when my intercom system went off, making me jump.
"Ms. Johnson," the security guard said, "there is a Mr. Billy Jakes here to see you."
You've got to be kidding me.
I was going to put an end to this once and for all. "Go ahead and send him up," I replied as I unlocked my door and sat back down. The few minutes it took him to get to my door seemed to drag on for a few hours, with me thinking of what I wanted to say. When he finally knocked, I reluctantly opened the door, not looking at him, and sat back down on the couch.
"Sorry it's so late, but someone wouldn't answer her phone."
I looked down and noticed two missed calls. "I forgot to turn my ringer back on after work," I said from the couch, not bothering to look back at him."
"So, can I come in?"
"You're here, you might as well." I usually wasn't so rude, but for him I made an exception.
He came around the couch and sat down next to me. "Can we talk?"
I turned towards him. "About what? There's really nothing to talk about."
"How's your arm?"
"Did you really come all the way over here to ask me about my arm? By the way, how did you even know where I lived?"
"I Googled it," he said with a smile.
"Stalk much?"
"Only you."
I sighed. "What do you want, Billy?"
"Ah, it's been a while since I heard you say my name. I've missed it. I miss you, Jacy."
"Don't call me that," I demanded.
"Why not? I've always called you that."
"No, the Billy I loved called me that," came out of my mouth before I could stop it. Think before you speak, Jacynda.
"So, you don't love me anymore?"
"What do you think? You wasted a year of my life and then broke my heart—broke me. How could I ever love you after that?"
"I'm sorry."
"So am I. Now, what do you want? It's late and I've got to get up early tomorrow."
He scooted closer to me, causing me to give him the eye. "Don't."
"I'm not. I just want to tell you one last thing. There's something I've been wanting to get off my chest before you. . . . Just hear me out, please." When I didn't say anything, he continued. "There's nothing I can do to change that day. As much as I've wanted to take it back, I can't. The thing is, I didn't even know her name." I rolled my eyes. "I know, that probably makes it worse, but it's true. I didn't know her. It's not like I was having a full-blown affair, it was just that one time with that one girl." He took a deep breath like he didn't want to go on, and to be quite honest, I didn't want him to, either. Hearing it brought it all back to me again. "We had been together for so long and everything between us had started getting so serious, I knew. . . ." He stopped himself, which made me mad.
"If you're going to tell me, tell me. Don't beat around the bush or lie, 'cause I don't want to hear it."
He took another deep breath. "I knew I wanted to marry you, but I was afraid."
Even though my heart fluttered in my chest, I ignored it, laughing instead. "Really? Marry me? You had a funny way of showing it."
"No, I was confused. The guys in the band always had different girls and I was afraid that if I settled down with you that I'd . . . regret it. I wanted to, but what if we got married and after a few years. . . . I don't know. I just wanted to see."
"See what?" He wasn't making any sense.
"See if I'd like it . . . being with someone besides you. I just wanted to know that what I was feeling for you was real, and the minute she got into our bed, I knew I'd made a mistake. I knew that what I was feeling was real and that I couldn't feel it with anybody besides you."
"So, you're telling me that you screwed some girl, some stranger, to make sure you wanted to be with me? You never should've come here tonight."
He reached for my hand, which I jerked away. "Just hear me out," he pleaded. "I went down to the store to get some beer for that night 'cause the guys were coming over before our set. When I went to pay, she recognized me. I just played her off at first, even as she followed me to my truck. But as she flirted with me, it made me wonder. Wonder about us, about me, about everything. So I invited her back home, knowing you wouldn't be there and that I'd never see this girl again—"
"I don't want to hear anymore."
"I knew I'd never see or talk to her again. So I took her back to the apartment and straight to the bed."
"I don't want to hear anymore," I repeated as a single tear fell down my cheek.
"As soon as she took her clothes off and I got in bed with her, I knew. It felt wrong. I tried to touch her, but I couldn't. I couldn't even kiss her. All I kept thinking about was you. No matter how attractive this girl was, or how attracted she was to me, I didn't care. I knew right then that I wanted to marry you. I knew right then that I'd never want another girl, not ever. I felt sick to my stomach that I'd even brought her back there. That's why I still had my pants on when you came in. I never took them off, and didn't plan on it. I was telling her to leave when you came in."
I didn't know what to say. The fact that he'd brought a girl back to our apartment, for whatever reason, went against everything that our relationship had stood for. If you have to cheat on someone to prove to yourself that you love them, then you don't. My hurt quickly turned to anger all over again.
"Put yourself in my shoes. What if you came home to find me in bed with someone? Would you care the reason? No, you sure wouldn't. The fact that she was there at all is enough for me. If you wanted to see if you loved me, you should've left me. You should've left me and then screwed around to test our love, or whatever the hell you were doing." I laughed, but it was a maniacal laughter that sounded like I was losing my mind. "You didn't even do her? You threw away everything, threw away me, and didn't even get off. Now that's funny." I stood up and walked to the door, opening it for him. "You've said what you had to say, now please leave." He just sat there, not moving. "Leave or I'll get security up here to escort you out."
"Jacynda. Please. I'm sorry." He finally got up and walked towards me, but not out the door. "Do you know you're the last girl I've been with?"
"Like I'd believe that. I've seen you out. What about that blonde at the restaurant? You have a thing for blondes it seems. Too bad I never was one. Now, go," I said, pointing out the door.
He stepped closer to me. "It's always been you. No matter who I'm with, I always wish I was with you."
"Then you should've realized that before you—"
His mouth was on mine before I could finish my sentence. He shut the door as I beat against his chest with my good hand, trying to push him away. He can't be doing this to me. It was like the alcoholic in me had resurfaced and he was my liquor that I'd wanted and needed so desperately; the same liquor that burnt so bad when I drank it and left me incoherent and unable to think rationally.
He stopped kissing me, still holding my face to his, long enough to say, "I love you so much," before crushing his lips back into mine.
In my mind I was still fighting him off, but my body wasn't doing what my mind told it to. Instead, it gave in to him, grabbing a handful of his dark hair, pulling it hard, but not away. I entwined my fingers in it, holding his mouth against mine, causing him to moan softly.
As he slowly led me back to the couch, with his lips still dancing with mine, I knew I had a decision to make. I could either overlook the fact that he had ruined me, broken my heart, and left me shattered and vulnerable, or I could let that be what would give me the strength to tell him no. I knew I couldn't let him hurt me again, but would it hurt even worse to let him walk out that door tonight?
I pushed him back, reluctantly pulling my lips from his. "I can't. I can't do this." He cupped my face in his hands, forcing me to look into the blue eyes that I'd always had a hard time saying no to. "Please don't." I hated crying in front of him, but I hated crying over him, because of him, even worse. "You hurt me so bad, Billy, and I can't go back there. If you love me at all, you'll let me go. I can't move on until you do. Please," I cried, "just let me go."
He bent down and kissed me one last time, and I let him. And when he said goodbye and walked out my door for good, I let him.
I sat back down on my couch and cried for a long time before I released all that I needed to, and when I was finished, I picked up my phone and texted Chad.
Are you awake?
He replied within a minute or so. Yeah whats up?
Are you busy?
Its almost midnight. No, Im not busy. U ok?
This was it. Did I want to take it there? We were such good friends, what if it ruined it? I had always thought he needed someone better than me, but I couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone besides me. Maybe he'd be the one to fix me.
I miss you. I hesitated for a few seconds before I hit send.
U do?
Yes
Well, wat do u wanna do bout that?
Can you come over?
U sure ur ok?
I will be. If you hurry.
I'm sure my security guard thought I was a real winner; my first night here and I was going to have two different guys here within an hour of each other. Oh, well. I'm sure I was livening up his boring night.
Knowing Chad only lived ten minutes away, I sprinted to the bathroom to freshen up and brush my teeth. As I gargled with Scope, I suddenly felt nervous; I hadn't been with anyone since Billy. And what if Chad didn't actually feel the same way about me that I did him? We often flirted back and forth, but sometimes flirting was meaningless. What if he only thought of me as a friend?
"You lied," a voice came from behind me. When I looked into the mirror, there she stood behind me. I jumped and spun around, but she was gone.
"Leave me alone," I yelled to my empty bathroom. "He's not my responsibility! Go pester the new owners. I don't own that house, or him, anymore."
When I turned and faced the mirror, she was standing right by my left side. "You were supposed to help me," she croaked into my ear.
"But I can't help you. It's out of my hands. I demand you to leave me alone," I yelled again. "I'm sorry you're hurting, but there's nothing I can do." I felt sorry for her. "Please, Mable, I know it's you," I said as I turned to look for her, trying to appear braver than I actually was. "I know he killed you, but he has no control over you now. He can't harm you anymore," I pleaded, "you or your sister. You're both free, Mable, so please go. Move on. Go be with your sister."
The air in the bathroom seemed to shift, lightly blowing my hair. Would this ever end? It made me wonder if she was able to follow me, could he? I pushed that thought out of my mind as the security guard announced that I had another visitor. I hoped that Chad wouldn't catch that, because if he asked, I wouldn't be able lie to him.
I ran down the hall and told the guard to let him up. When I opened the door to let him in, he looked at me funny. Before he could say anything, I motioned for him to come in, locking my door behind him.
"So, you okay?"
I told him I was, but then proceeded to tell him about the ghost girl visiting me again. "Do you think anything else followed me here?"
He shook his head. "Nope, just me," he teased. "But just so you'll have peace of mind, tomorrow we'll burn sage and sprinkle salt everywhere, and then we'll get someone to come bless it."
"That sounds like a plan," I replied. "But I do have to admit that this is the first place that's felt like home. I'm comfortable here. Almost as comfortable as I was at your condo."
There was an awkward silence before he interrupted it and said, "Why did you text me so late?" He reached over and grabbed my hand. "You sure you're alright?" I nodded. "You look like you've been crying. Did seeing her again upset you?"
"Yes, but not enough to cry over. She scares me, but I feel more sad when she comes around."
"Who was here earlier?"
Great, he did hear what the guard had said. "Billy."
I was surprised that he didn't let go of my hand. "Oh, really? How did that go?"
"It didn't." Just thinking about Billy made me scoot closer to Chad. When he didn't say anything else, I decided to just go for it. If he didn't like me, he wouldn't have driven over here at midnight and he wouldn't be sitting here holding my hand. "I like you, Chad. I like you a lot." I left it at that and waited to see what his reaction would be.
He let go of my hand, which made my heart crumble. Maybe I was wrong after all. "Does this have anything to do with him coming over here tonight?"
I took a deep breath and let my feelings have their way with my mouth. "It does, actually. I've not been with anyone, had another boyfriend, or even dated anyone since him. I've not wanted to . . . until you. He came over here tonight to try to get me back, and he almost did. But he can't win my heart when someone else has it."
He took a deep breath and left me waiting too long before he smiled and said, "It's about time." He pulled me towards him as he leaned in and softly pressed his lips to mine. I melted into them, knowing that this is where I belonged. "You don't know how long I've wanted to do that," he admitted as he kissed me again and sighed. "That day in the trailer, the first day we met, it took everything I had not to kiss you then."
"Well, I hope I was worth the wait."
"I don't know, let's see."
He kissed me again, his tongue brushing mine, teasing me. No matter what he did, he always left me wanting more. When he pulled back and looked at me, I was almost disappointed, until he stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me toward him.
"I don't want to do anything you don't want to do," he said as he walked backwards toward my bedroom, causing my heart to race. "But I want you." He pulled me to him and kissed me as we walked into my room. Once we were by my bed, he picked me up and laid me down on it. "I don't just want you; I want you to feel. I want you to feel everything that I feel for you."
When his lips finally returned to mine, I knew I was right where I belonged; I was home. He was all I cared about. He was the one who was always on my mind, haunting my thoughts day and night. I didn't care what ghosts were in my past or my present, all I cared about right now was him. Chad not only completed me, but he haunted me, and I couldn't ask for anything more.