Yuu lay on his back, his arms behind his head. On the too large of a bed, that was just for him. It felt wrong. Him. Alone. On a bed.
He hated it. He hated feeling like this. Feeling like a stranger in his own body. At times he would feel empty and was suddenly hit by a wave of "you're forgetting something" whenever he stared at many things.
Looking at the sky made him frown. Made him want to turn and look at-who?-in the eyes. Looking at his own eyes made him think of words he didn't recall hearing.
"I'm looking at you because I love you. And your eyes...your eyes..." There was a smile on a pair of pink lips that Yuu didn't know who they belonged to, as the ghost in his dreams added, "I could spend my whole life looking into them...and never get tired of doing so."
Yuu sighed and closed his eyes simultaneously. Tired of thinking. He didn't know what to think. He didn't want to think. But no matter how much he tried not to think. To remember. To remember someone else's memories. He did.
Couldn't stop remembering Shindo-sama's startling, captivating, beautiful, familiar, blue crystal jewels for eyes. Couldn't help but feel like he knew the smile he had given.
Soft and gentle. Caring and inviting.
Loving.
Couldn't stop remembering the familiar gold that danced in the wind as he beautifully and gracefully fell back.
Yuu opened his eyes as he sat up. He rubbed his face with one hand as he rested back on his other. He brought a knee up as he covered the right side of his face with his hand. Expression irritated, tired, worried, confused.
"Why do I feel like this?" Yuu muttered, his voice raspy and laced with all his emotions, "Why...do I keep seeing him every time I close my eyes? Why does my chest ache when I see him? Why do I...feel like I know him? Why do I want to..."
Yuu let his voice drift off as he stopped covering his face to touch his lips. Recalling what had happened after he had dragged Shindo-sama out of the water with the help of the black haired servant.
It wasn't that he was startled because of how suddenly Shindo-sama was coughing up water. No. It wouldn't be that. Couldn't be that. Because it wasn't anything new to Yuu. He had done it before, and each and every time he had assisted the person onto their side so it would be easier.
"He licked me..." Yuu whispered against his fingers.
Again. He felt like it wasn't the first time he had done it.
But that would be a lie. After all, they had only just met.
Lacus stared. His cheeks dusted red. As he walked around with Mika. Mika who had taken claim of his hand and refused to let go.
"Mikaela-sama-" Lacus began, shutting his mouth as Mika looked at him over his shoulder with a tiny glare. Lacus swallowed the nervous lump in his throat before correcting himself, "Mikaela-san, why...why are we doing this again?"
His words made Mika stop walking. Made Mika look at the ground and avoid eye contact. Mika let his hold loosen on Lacus's hand and drop it.
"Sorry..." He murmured, "I'm sorry for dragging you with me. For taking you from your duties. From bothering you. For-"
"Mikaela-san!" Lacus snapped.
Making Mika jump in place, he tucked himself between his shoulders, making himself appear smaller.
Lacus, with a red face, took Mika's hand in his. He softly and gently said, "That isn't what I meant, Mikaela-san. I was just wondering why you chose me to take a walk with you instead of Yoichi."
Mika gave Lacus's hand a light squeeze before turning to look at him. Where he raised their hands up between them, gazing at them along with Lacus who blushed as Mika softly said, "Is it wrong? Wanting to spend time with you?"
Lacus didn't answer. Instead he took a nervous breath and tangled their fingers together. Making Mika's eyes widen before they softened and he looked up to Lacus with a warm smile. A light blush on his cheeks.
But Laucs didn't really care about the blush. He was simply happy with being the cause of the smile. Of being the cause of the smile on the beautiful and ethereal person before him(Lacus knew Mikaela wasn't ethereal, but then and there he didn't care about his perfect imperfections).
The person who squeezed his hand again, as the wind decided to plays with both of their hair.
Laucs returned the smile.
He had many worries. Many thoughts.
But then and there. Warmly smiling at the person that unknowingly held his heart, he had no worries. No thoughts except for those that brought him nothing but utter bliss.
Then and there, he dared to wish the moment would never end.
Mika felt...refreshed after taking a walk with Lacus. He felt content to say the least. But he didn't. In the pit of his stomach he felt guilty. Like he had done something wrong.
From the corner of his eye he saw René walk around his room, silently and quickly organizing many things. Mika raised and looked down at his hand. The one he had used to hold Lacus's hand.
Was it wrong? Wanting to spend time with someone who wasn't Yuu? To hold hands with someone who wasn't Yuu? To smile like that to someone who wasn't Yuu?
Mika didn't know. And in all honesty, he felt like he was better off without knowing.
Mika sighed as he leaned into his arm chair. Making René look at him from the corner of his eye as he slowly came to a stop.
He waited for a while. Simply looking at Mika. Taking in as many details as possible. Wanting to know why his mood suddenly dropped and what he would do about it.
But Mika didn't do anything. He just stared up at the ceiling. Eyes loosing their luster as he brought his legs up and rested his crossed arms between his torso and thighs.
He sighed before closing his eyes. Trying his best to ignore his thoughts. Trying his best to kill the burning sensation in his eyes. Trying to eliminate the dry and aching lump in his throat.
Trying.
Trying.
Trying.
But failing.
He sobbed as the first tear ran down his cheek.
René immediately walked over to him. He didn't ask, didn't have to, he took Mika into his arms and hugged him. Soft and gently. Caring and loving.
"R-René!" He choked out, clutching onto the front of René's black vest, "I'm tired! So so tired! Please! Make it go away!" He broke off as he sobbed again and rubbed his head into René's chest, who could only hold him as Mika cried out his sorrows. "Please! It hurts. I don't want to think!"
"I don't want to remember something that'll never be mine again!"
For the first time, since the day René had met the three year-old Mika, who stood small and quiet. A gentle and inviting smile on his face as he stretched out his hand to shake, chirping, "You'll be with me for the rest of my life! So I wanna make sure you like me and I like you!"
For the first time after seeing Mika get beat. Seeing Mika get shunned and screamed at. Seeing Mika cry himself to sleep. Seeing Mika hold back tears. Seeing Mika fake smile after smile. Seeing Mika scream and beg.
For the first time ever, René didn't know what to say to comfort the child he had raised. Didn't know how to comfort his aching heart. Didn't know how to soothe his sorrows away.
And he felt like he had failed.
He had failed Mika.
He closed his eyes and hugged Mika tighter as he recalled the promise he had made.
Mika was now officially four. Still round and soft. Pretty and delicate. Pink lips adorned with a smile as René took his hand.
Mika was absolutely filled with happiness as René, for the first time touched him without asking.
René brought the small, soft, pale hand up to his lips. Kissing it and murmuring against it, "My life is yours. Do with it as you wish. Always, always remember that I am there for you. If I-even once-ever fail you...I am simply not worthy enough to do so."
René had snapped his eyes open when he felt a small, soft hand caress his face. He looked up as he removed his lips from Mika's knuckles, never dropping the small hand in his hold.
Mika was smiling. Soft and gentle. Caring and inviting. Loving.
"Fail." Mika said. Voice filled with confidence, he had looked so mature. And instead of making René happy like he thought it would, it made his heart ache. Mika was a child, he should be acting like one. But that wasn't the case. Didn't have the choice.
René was once again ripped away from his thoughts as Mika repeated, "Fail. Fail as many times as you wish."
René didn't know what to think. Didn't know what the young soft ball of blond wanted to say, not until he smiled an open mouthed smile and said, "Fail as many times as you want! But I'm sorry! You see I already love you, so I can't let you go. Don't you know? I'm rather selfish."
'No.' René thought with a soft smile on his youthful face, he too was just a kid. Only ten years old, working in, living in a world of monstrous adults.
'No you are not. You are far too selfless. So much it scares me. Terrifies me. Because you are too selfless, too kind. I fear you'll suffer for it. For that-'
"I promise, through your laughter and smiles, through your screams and tears, through your pain and sorrows. I promise. I promise I will be there." René paused to gently cup the back of Mika's small and soft hand, smiling fondly at him as he finished, "So be as selfish as you want. For my life is yours."
René couldn't help it.
It had been too long.
He had seen too much.
Done too much.
He, as much as he hated it, was also tired.
So he cried.
Tears falling and making contact with Mika's pale face, causing his blue crystals to stare up at René with shock. As René with a full, but very, very sad smile gently cupped his face and wiped away his tears with his thumbs.
The tears that continued to flow.
"I'm sorry." René muttered.
He brought his face closer and pressed his lips to Mika's hair hidden forehead to lay a kiss on it. Lips still lingering against his head as he added, "I'm sorry...Mika. I couldn't do it. I failed you. I failed to protect you from the harm I knew you'd receive. Failed to comfort you. Failed to soothe you through your sorrows. To chase them away. Please find it in your heart to forgive me."
"Please find it in your heart to be selfish and keep me. Because my life is yours."
Mika went back to crying as he trembled and unlatch his hands from the front of René's vest to to warp them around his waist. René returned the hug, weaving his fingers through Mika's hair in a soothing manner.
As Mika repeatedly chanted, "I'm selfish! I'm selfish! So don't leave me! You of all people can't leave me! I forbid you!"
"My life is yours." René repeated, tucking Mika's face into his chest. Before he lifted him up and carried him to his bed.
He didn't ask. He didn't have to. He laid next to Mika and hugged him close.
Until Mika's body stopped shaking. Until Mika's sore throat no longer released chocked sobs. Until Mika's sniffing stopped. Until the faucet in Mika's eyes turned off. Until Mika fell asleep, tear stained and weak from crying, yet still holding onto him as if his life depend on it.
René smiled and gently kissed Mika's forehead again. Finally closing his eyes and letting sleep take him. Let sleep wash his worries away. Let sleep take his guilt and his aching heart.
He didn't need it.
He didn't want it.
Not if it hindered him from protecting Mika.
Because if he wouldn't...then who?
Yoichi was outside with Mika in the garden again. They had just finished feeding the koi fish and were now mindlessly walking around.
Mika occasionally stopping to smell any flower that caught his attention.
As Mika gaze down at the flowers, Yoichi thought. Thought. Thought. Thought and thought.
It hurt doing so.
He was worried.
But he was relived. Tomorrow would be the last day his ex-squad would reside with them.
But that meant he wouldn't know how they would be doing. Wouldn't know if the had remembered something.
He wanted them close.
But wanted them far.
Wanted them close to once again just to remember how it was to smile without thinking and just feel again.
Wanted them far because their presence, Yuu's, presence damaged Mika far too much.
Yoichi blinked away his tears and swallowed his guilt for ever admitting that they were, in their current state, people to avoid at all costs.
'Avoid them if you wish to keep Mika's heart beating. Avoid them if you want to see him smile again. Avoid them if you want to, hopefully, see Mika happy again.'
Yoichi gasped and flinched once he had opened his eyes. Mika wasn't anywhere in sight.
"Mika?" He called, trying his best to hide his worry and fear, the ones that threatened to spill out.
No answer.
So he started to run further into the garden. Not having to run much, as he once again reunited with the blond.
Yoichi had arrived just in time too see Mika reach up and snap off a pink camellia off its branch.
Yoichi walked closer as Mika sat down on the balls of his feet. Resting both elbows on his thighs. One holding the flower that captivated him in front of his face. The other holding up his head.
Yoichi watched as Mika sniffed the flowered before directing his words to it.
"You and I," He started, a sad and almost bitter smile adorned his lips, "Are, sadly, very similar. Both longing for something. Something we knew, form the very start...that we could never have."
"We are nothing but fools."
The look of self hatred was back.
And all Yoichi wanted to do was to snatch the flower from his hold and never let him set his eyes on another again. But he didn't.
Instead, he allowed Mika to walk back into the house with the pink camellia in tow. To place the flower in glass filled with a water. Next to the red roses.
Yoichi never knew it was possible to hate a flower.
Yoichi never knew it was possible to love a flower.
Contradictions. Is what his life was filled with.
He hated the flower for longing for what it could not have. Loved the flower for doing so.
Hated the flower because it made Mika think of himself. Loved the flower because it was Mika.
So tragically beautiful.
Mika was laying in the shade of the wisteria tree he came to adore. Laid and watched the wind sway the wisterias. A small but soft smile on his lips.
He was lost in thought. Nothing but an empty shell.
At least that's what Yoichi, Lacus and René thought. They still thought he wasn't there at all. When now, while not fully there, he was to some extent.
He closed his eyes as he left his empty mind with a sigh.
He turned his hands, which had been palm up where he had extended them to his sides, to touch the grass. He ran his fingers through it. It was early. So it was slightly damp.
But Mika didn't mind. If anything he enjoyed the feeling.
That's how Yuu had found Mika.
He couldn't help but feel like he had seen Mika like this. Laying on his back. Expression relaxed. Fingers playing with damp grass. A violet hued furisode. Golden hair splayed out around and underneath him, but shorter.
Yuu, unconsciously moved forward and kneeled down to sit on his knees next to Mika. Leaning forward and caging Mika in with his arms. Slowly but without hesitation he leaned down and pressed his lips to Mika's.
Who smiled into it. Cried. Thinking, 'Yuu-chan...how I've missed you my love.'
But the spell that was cast broke. Far too soon.
Yuu jumped off Mika looking confused and scared. But he froze.
Mika was smiling at him. So softly. So gently. So caring. So inviting. So loving.
Tears of joy slipped down from the corner of his eyes and got lost on their way down upon meeting with Mika's hair. A golden forest.
But that also didn't last.
Not when Mika realized. 'He's gone again.'
The smile was still on his face as Yuu watched him sit up and wipe his tears with his sleeve. Gently patting his tears away.
"I...Shindo-sama! I don't know what came over me! I-" Yuu informed.
Mika cut him off, "Worry not, I'm not crying because you've offended me. It's just...been such a long time since anyone kissed me...like that." His eyes were looking at Yuu. But the weren't.
His gaze distant and far away. Lost in memories only he could see.
"I...still feel the need to apologize." Yuu said, eyebrows furrowed.
His words made Mika return, who lost his smile to a small frown. "Why would you? Your actions have caused me nothing but joy." Why do you want to take what Yuu-chan has given me?'
"I...I'm not sure how to answer that, but I really didn't know what I was thinking." Yuu said, frowning himself as he looked to his lap, where he clenched his fists.
'You recalled how we met is all.' Mika though with a small fond smile, as he recalled the memory himself.
"I'm really sorry to disturb you and I apologize in advance if I scare you-" He did indeed. Mika snapped his eyes open and was ready to get up when the stranger caged him in place by using his arms, "-but please don't move. Please play along. You see I was passing by, believe me or not, and I happened to see a man who has been circling around and around. At first I thought he lost something, but he's been staring at you for a while."
The black haired male had captivated Mika with his startling green gaze as he leaned down and closer to make his whispered words more audible.
"Not only that but is getting closer and closer." By now Mika was able to feel the others soft and warms puffs of air every time he spoke out. He didn't know why. But he made no move to shove the man off. Felt no need.
"I work for the army or vampire extermination unit-" Mika was a vampire. Caged in by his enemy, but he still made no move to shove the man off. Simply listened and lost himself in the green forest before his blue sky's. "-that being said, that might help you realize I'm really not some pervert trying to harm you. I just wanted to help you, since you looked really defenseless."
'Far from it.' Is what Mika almost said.
"I also wanted to help by pretending to be-well I was going to pretend to be your friend or something, but I lost myself in your beauty and now I'm here. So close. And I can't tell you how much I want to close the space between us." His voice now low and raspy.
"Do it." Mika muttered back, closing his eyes as the male pressed his lips against his own.
That's how Mikaela Shindo met Yuuichirou Amane.
That's how Mika finally believed in love at first sight. Because there wasn't any other explanation to how fast he fell. To what he felt.
He felt so alive when he was with Yuu. So free. So...himself. So loved.
He fell.
And made no attempt to stop it.
Yuu didn't either.
Choosing to go with what he felt, instead of fighting against a loosing battle. Because he knew. Oh, how he knew, that no matter how much he would have tried to stay away from the beautiful blond, he would have failed.
"I really, really like kissing you." Is what Yuu had said on one occasion as they laid in Yuu's bed.
Both on their sides as the held hands and stared at each other's eyes before Yuu decided to break it to make Mika blush and look away from his gaze to their joined hands.
"I do too." Mika whispered. So, so quiet he wished Yuu hadn't heard it.
He did.
Mika knew he did when he shifted closer and tucked a hand under his chin to lift it and join their lips.
Once the parted lips and ended their sweet and gentle kiss to look at each other's eyes. Yuu once again opened his mouth to say something that's made Mika heart skip a beat, and his stomach flutter along with the butterflies it held.
"So that's what heaven tastes like."
Mika, begrudgingly left his memories when Yuu called his name. No. His title.
"Shindo-sama? Are you ok?" He asked, leaning forward a little with a worried expression.
"Yes." Mika smiled at his lap again. His right hand finding a strand of hair, twirling and tugging. "I just remembered something I hold very, very dear to me is all."
"Is that so." Yuu stated, he didn't ask. He wasn't sure if he could ask.
Mika was at a loss. What was he supposed to do?
How he had yearned and wished to reunite with Yuu. And now he was. But what's was he supposed to say to his beloved stranger?
So it was quiet. Quiet until Yuu broke the silence.
"You..you are extremely beautiful. I'm sure you already knew that, but..." Yuu stated, only to stiffen a few seconds later to quickly add on, "I'm sorry! Pleas forgive me I really don't know what-"
He stopped.
Stopped to stare at how...adorable and beautiful Shindo-sama looked.
Blushing and smiling down at his lap as he twirled and tugged his hair.
"Thank you." He whispered.
'It's not him...yet my heart...it's beating so fast.'
"I...I don't know what came over me today." Yuu murmured. Still captivated by the sight before him.
'It's not him...and I still feel like this. I can't help it...my love for him still exists.'
'Even though he's gone.'
'I'm in love with someone who isn't part of the world anymore.'
'We really are nothing but fools,' Mika smiled bitterly as the wind that had been nothing but gentle, now pushed as if it had sensed Mika's inner turmoil. Mika who raised his head and eyes to look up at the wisteria.
The wisterias that reached down at him.
'Aren't we? Camellia.'
Mika had been brought in a hurry. After the trio noticed he had escaped out of his room. Unsupervised.
He was now in his room.
Standing in front of the pink camellia he had brought in with him the day before. Yoichi watched, as Mika stared at the flower. Before leaving without saying or doing anything.
Mika was his mother one final time for that day. When he wished Kureto and the rest farewell. Bowing to them, receiving bows in return. Smiled one last time as he watched the car drive away.
When then cars were completely out of sight, Mika dropped the smile, dropped his mask and shocked everyone by running back into the house.
Ran past the screams that followed.
Ran past servants who called out to him in worry.
Ran to his room until he was standing in front of the cursed flower.
René being the first to enter the room, followed by Yoichi and Lacus, all panting out with a worried expression.
They all watched, worriedly, as Mika simply stared at the flower.
He didn't say anything.
Didn't do anything.
Just stared.
Not matter how many times they attempted to bring back Mika from where it was he went when he was in this state. They failed.
Mika stood. Mika stared.
Mika did that for days. Woke up and walked to it.
Stared at it.
"It's staring to die." Yoichi stated as he and both René and Lacus discussed what his fascination with the flower was.
"It is. Maybe that'll bring him out of it. Once it's finally dead." Lacus suggested.
René was quiet, eyebrows furrowed as he listened to their suggestions.
Yoichi added on with a worried voice, "He said they were alike. Both longing for something they could not have."
That's when René finally broke his silence and said what they were all thinking, "I'm worried. About what he'll do once it dies."
"If that flower is alive...and is now dying." René murmured.
Lacus frowned and muttered, "You don't think he's..."
He didn't say it. Didn't dare to.
No one wanted to accept it. To comfirm that suspicion.
So they planned on changing the flower. Finding one as similar as possible to the one Mika had picked.
They didn't get to do it.
Because Mika didn't wait for it to die.
Mika snatched the dying flower from the glass cup he had placed it in. And tore it apart.
Tore off the smooth pink petals, the ones stained with brown. The ones that weren't.
Tore and tore until in was nothing.
Mika stained himself red.
Red.
Red was all he saw.
Standing before the balcony doors as he looked from the full moon to his hand.
Dripping red to the tip of his fingers. To the tip of the stem.
He trembled as he felt the blood drip down. Stained his blue, stained red, furisode. The one that got lighter the higher up it got.
The one that was thrown on messily, slipping off his shoulder as he trembled in place. Lightly panting as he felt red drip down.
Heard the red hit his carpeted floor.
Smelled the metallic sweetness Bathory loved.
Mika looked away from the the stem to the floor. Where the torn up petals lay.
Soaking up the blood that touched them.
He blinked before directing his blue, dazed gaze to the moon again.
He ignored the pounding on his doors.
The screams of panic that never seemed to stop.
Ignored the sound of the wood snapping as it broke open.
He didn't ignore the hurried steps that came to him. He couldn't ignore it, if he couldn't hear them.
Mika took in a breath before finally falling into red.
But Mika woke up.
Mika woke up and saw white.
Saw black.
Saw brown.
Saw violet.
Mika saw green.
He closed his eyes as the tears ran free.