"yeah, my shirt looks so good." sex, the 1975
Louis clutched the cotton cloth of his shirt, feeling the friction between his fingers. He'd bought that shirt at Walmart, but that time, alone. Louis and William always shopped together, which was easy and annoying.
It was easy because there was someone to tackle the crowded shopping mall on Christmas Eve. It was difficult because William was annoying for clothes. Like, Louis had to run to find something before William, because if William saw it first, he would stay the rest of the year saying Louis had no style, even not buying the clothes he choose.
"You need to bring more clothes to the dressing rooms," William said. "You take just a few pieces and then you want to get mine."
"But you didn't even try those," Louis would reply.
"But I chose. They were part of my style, not yours. If you have one."
And then, after William had left on last Christmas Eve, Louis had no one to deal with at Starbucks and Marks & Spencer queues, and he preferred to buy sweaters at Walmart, competing only with ladies buying pork with hurry.
Liam's mother always shopped weeks before Christmas, and sometimes ordered the clothes and gifts on the internet. So Liam didn't have to go with Louis, and Joahnnah and Mark were too busy preparing the party.
And at Walmart there were hundreds of shirts of the same cut, but colorful. And Louis bought one of each.
But there, now, with Harry a few paces away, the shirt looked more like a distraction.
Two birds. Two twins.
"You want me to..." Louis couldn't speak.
Harry was not proposing that, was he? Oh, for God's sake, no.
"You are blackmailing me?"
"If you'd rather call it that," Harry shrugged.
It was amazing how Harry kept doing that. He had no looking that he would blackmailing someone. Harry looked like he did not care for school grades and would go into any college that would accept him. If he went to one.
"I don't..."
"Come on, Louis," Harry shrugged. "If you accept, everything will be ok. Otherwise, God alone will know how William and your family will react."
Louis looked up and stared at Harry. His eyes were dark and a little disturbing.
Louis felt panic pinching his face. This whole conversation was hopeless.
"You don't care about William? He is your boyfriend. You... you cheated and want to keep cheating?"
Harry blinked twice and then smiled.
"You have betrayed and will continue to betray your brother."
Harry spoke so sure.
But he knew that Louis would give in. There was no way. And with no way, left Louis without air.
"Do you want it to be, like, all sexual?" Louis averted his eyes as he said it. It was still difficult to understand what Harry really wanted.
"I want you to do whatever I ask," he said quickly.
Louis let the air out of his mouth. Would Harry want him to do Balby Carr's advanced seminars as well? Homework was too much.
He swallowed and sat on the edge of the bed. He stared at his hands resting on his knees. William couldn't know. The family couldn't know. At first he even thought he could bear it, but he wouldn't.
"I accept, but you can't, in any case, not twenty years from now, tell William. Promise?" Louis groaned, staring at Harry's nose - long and thin, but in the end it was big and sure enough he could draw a lot of air into his lungs - he didn't have the guts to look him in the eye.
"Okay, Louis. Alright."
"Promise," Louis heard his voice falter.
"I promise", Harry said and then smiled.
Louis averted his eyes to his hands again. Done. It was done. It was like signing a contract. But the worst contract, like those who have nothing good for your side. Like going to private school (paying to die studying).
It was like paying a very high interest debt. Tripling the value.
Louis wanted to cry. None of this was supposed to be happening. It was just sleeping in William's bed...
And then it clicked.
Louis remembered that Harry knew it was not William. It was Louis.
"You knew it was me, didn't you?" Louis lifted his head, raising his voice.
But Harry just shrugged, and then he continued:
"You're a fucking asshole. Did you set all this up for this little game?" Louis stood up and ran his hands through his hair. "Oh my God!"
"That doesn't make any difference," Harry shifted his weight and his boot made a noise on the floor. He was impatient. "I'm here and you're there, now"
Louis sat down again. Harry looked like two feet tall like that; made the room shrink, leaving him breathless.
It was craziness. Violation. They were adulterers. Louis was being an adulterer.
And he wanted to cry when Harry walked up to him and also sat on the edge of the bed. And suddenly his breath hit his neck. And he shivered. And he leaned over to the side.
"Come on, Louis," Harry said quietly as he moved closer.
Louis cringed and felt his eyes burn. Harry wouldn't give him a little time to prepare?
Harry pulled Louis's head to the side and ran his tongue across the skin of his neck. Then he leaned forward, making Louis lie down on his side.
He took a deep breath and placed his hands on his belly, trying to sink his body into the mattress as Harry lay on top of him. Louis didn't wanted to touch Harry, he didn't wanted any of it. He didn't wanted to feel his big, firm hand, his long fingers. Warm.
Harry was already on top of him and his legs entwined. Louis stiffened. It was too fast. But then he realized. It would suit the quickies, to Harry's relief. It would be like being a prostitute, but without the money.
"Help me with that, will you?" Harry pulled one of Louis' hand and slipped it into his trousers, then slipped his tongue into Louis's mouth.
It was hard to think of anything like that.
Louis couldn't quite remember how he kissed Harry the night that it all began, he just remembered they kissed a lot. All the time. And somehow, he knew it was different.
Harry was in a hurry and moved his tongue more often than he needed, looking like when Louis kissed him for the first time; didn't know where to put the tongue, then put it all over the place.
But there...
Louis felt like crying. He was being used.
He opened the button to pull the zipper down, doing everything to not feel Harry in his hand.
And after that, Harry lowered his mouth to Louis's collarbone, not knowing what to do with his tongue. Louis didn't look. He didn't want to see the image of Harry licking his body. It would be too much. He was still trying to figure with what he had gotten himself into. He only knew that he would have to do whatever Harry asked.
He turned his head and stared at the tiny closet door. He didn't wanted to feel hot, didn't wanted to want his brother's boyfriend... William.
Oh God, William.
Louis stiffened in an attempt to block the cry. It would be totally ridiculous to do that now. It would be shameful...
Louis heard the sound of the garage.
Louis pushed the Harry's shoulders, but he didn't move. Harry just stared at him. His mouth was red and his hair was wrinkled. Beautiful.
"It's my parents," Louis felt his lips tremble. Harry's eyes were strange. "A-another time, please. They may suspect it."
Louis bit his lip; he did it when he felt terrified. But he didn't bite the corner like something sexy, but bites his lower lip with his front teeth. And maybe doing that did not come out of something good.
Harry stared at his mouth for too long. The garage was already closing. Joahnnah should be unlocking the house...
"Okay," was what Harry said.
Louis jumped out of bed and straightened his shirt, turning as Harry closed his zipper.
"You can stay here until everything's good down there," Louis put his hand on the doorknob and Harry nodded, sitting up in bed.
The hallway seemed too short for Louis to fix himself. He ran his hands over the top and lowered his shirt once more, smoothing his belly. He looked sideways, as if someone could appear.
This was so difficult... It was disgusting.
He just kissed his brother's boyfriend.
"Hi, sweetheart," Joahnnah said from the kitchen, taking a cheese package from a Walmart bag.
"Hi mom," he replied and sat down on the stool. Louis tried to smile, but his heart was still beating too hard. Harry was up there. The danger was high. "How was your day?"
"Oh, it was great. Your father made progress with the radish thing." Joahnnah smiled. She pulled more cheese out of the bag. "Where is your brother?"
"Library." Louis looked at his hands.
"Guess who's going to finish his doctorate on Brassicaceae?" Mark appeared. He was wearing a lab coat over his shoulder.
"Wow. Congratulations!" Louis hugged his father. He was a biologist and for three years studied the Brassicaceae, that's why the radish.
"Thanks son. And your brother? Where is he?"
"In the library," Louis repeated. "Will you make pasta?"
"Lasagna of four cheeses. The doctorate may be radish, but the food is cheesy," Joahnnah laughed.
Louis smiled at his mother and watched as Mark walked up the stairs. There was no way Mark could get into Louis's room without a reason. Thank God the twins' parents knew what privacy meant.
"Are you going to need help?"
"Not now, my dear. Thank you," Joahnnah smiled.
Louis thought of watching his mother prepare the food, but he had to get Harry out of the room. Mark was probably in the shower, and Joahnnah looked too busy. William still had half an hour left.
He climbed the stairs and took a deep breath as he walked down the hall. Louis would face Harry again and didn't know how to do it. He didn't know what it would be like for the rest of his life.
Louis opened the door just wide enough to get inside. Harry was sitting on the floor, on the other side of the bed. He was clumsy with his legs too large and his large back.
"My father is in the bedroom and my mother is in the kitchen," Louis said. "Do you mind walking out from William's window?"
"Why can't I just walk out by the front door?" Harry asked without moving.
Louis could only see his back, his hair falling to the nape of his neck.
"Are you crazy? Don't complicate things, just go out the window. I bet you do that several times."
Harry laughed, still not looking back and Louis shifted the weight of his legs.
"Look, for me you can leave from here, but my window doesn't have the best escape route. Just please, don't do anything to..."
"Your parents find out. I got it, Louis," Harry laughed again.
He stood up and Louis turned to the door.
"I'll check the hallway."
There was no sign of anyone, and then he went to William's door. It was not dark yet and Louis was praying that no one on the street would see Harry lefting by the window.
But the door was locked.
"Open it up," Harry said behind him.
Abruptly, Louis turned and pushed Harry's chest. For a few seconds, he watched his hand flat on his shirt. Harry was so firm and warm. He was so...
"You can't be here in the hallway," Louis said, teeth clenched. His face was so close to Harry's that he could look closely at his nose. And it was really great, but still, yes, beautiful.
Harry just laughed.
"William's door is locked," Louis walked away from Harry. "He never does this..."
How to get rid of Harry. How to get rid of Harry.
"Why don't I go out from the back door?"
"The back door is in the kitchen and my mother is there."
"Then the front door."
Louis looked at Harry, because he was being stupid, but then he looked away. He was smiling, as if he was enjoying the situation. And the smile made him beautiful.
"Here's the thing." Louis pointed a finger at him. "You will follow my commands and will not make any noise, understand?"
Harry nodded and Louis swallowed.
The two of them were hurrying down the hallway, and Louis walked up the stairs first, signaling that the bar was clean for Harry.
"You have your car?" Louis whispered. They were passing through the hall between the stairs and the front door.
"I left in the corner," Harry said, but not so low.
"Nice," Louis barely raised his feet from the floor for fear of making noise. And he wondered if Harry was worrying about his noisy boots. He opened the door and opened it slowly.
"Don't make any noise by walking through the garden."
"Okay."
"Don't talk to any neighbors. You were not in this house after William left, understood? "
"You're too bossy."
"I just don't want my parents..."
"Louis, who's... Hello, Harry!" Joahnnah came from the kitchen. She had a messy bun and smiled. "William is not here, but wait, he arrives..."
"I think Harry might come back another time," Louis scolded.
"Of course not," Joahnnah pulled Harry by the sleeve and pulled him out of the hall. "We have a lot of news and Will will be here soon."
"Mom..."
"Harry's already family," Joahnnah smiled. "And Mark will love to tell the doctorate's progress for someone at dinner."
Louis snapped his fingers. That was all too much already. For the last few days, his head just turned around Harry.
Harry. Harry. Harry.
What Harry would want, what his life might be like if Harry told...
"It will be a pleasure to have dinner with you," Harry smiled.
Louis rolled his eyes. His heart was racing, but most of the danger had passed.
"Can you help me finish dinner, dear?" Joahnnah asked Louis.
He was about to climb into the bedroom, forget the shit that was forming. The snowball that grew more and more. And she had a name: Harry.
"Alright."
Harry was sitting in the place Louis sat when his parents arrived. He rested his chin on his hands and, smiling, watched mother and son. It would be lovely... If Harry was not a fucker and Louis would be so humiliated only with the look he had. They sort of said "you're in my hand."
"When Mark comes down, I'm sure he's going to fill you up with the doctorate thing," Joahnnah drew the subject and Harry, as gracious as he is, leaned forward. Louis wondered if he really liked Joahnnah or did it all to look like the perfect boy.
"No problem, I really like his area," Harry smiled. Louis stared at the cheese.
So Harry liked biology? So Harry liked some stuff? Unbelievable.
"Do you want to go to college?" Louis blurted out. He swallowed hard and didn't take his eyes off the cheese. He could feel Harry's eyes on him.
"I intend to. I still don't know for sure, but from my biology notes I can pass this course," Harry replied. His voice was quiet, but Louis could hear the teasing. When he thought it was over, he continued: "I have other courses in mind too, but I still have to think."
Louis looked at Harry for a few seconds. Harry was grinning, still holding his chin in his hands.
"Will is crazy about this college story, you should know, right? Anyway, he doesn't take away the idea of going to college outside the country." Joahnnah said and drained the pasta, not realizing that Louis and Harry were facing each other.
Louis felt his face turning red. Harry smiled even more; malicious and cute.
Yeah. Harry was cute. But a fucker. It's disgusting. And William's boyfriend.
"Harry?" William appeared in the kitchen. He had not even taken off his jacket and books.
"Hi," he replied.
Louis looked at the bowl full of cheese and turned away.
"It's enough, mom?"
She nodded and smiled, then turned to the kitchen doorway.
"William! You don't know what happened! Your father finished his doctorate."
William raised an eyebrow and smiled. He had not even approached Harry or taken the books off.
"How wonderful. And this is where the party will happen?"
Everyone laughed, except Louis.
"It's not a party. Harry just appeared." Joahnnah smiled. She returned to the pasta.
William frowned and looked at Harry. Louis was left. Like always.
He thought of helping Joahnnah with something else, but he didn't want to see or hear William's voice.
"Who brought you?" He managed to hear Harry ask, softly.
"Adam," William replied.
Louis climbed the stairs as fast as he could. In the bedroom, he looked at the bed and tried to imagine him and Harry standing there. The two legs intertwined and kissing.
The image faded as the phone rang. It was Liam.
"Fucked?"
"Why do you think everything we do comes down to sex?
"Because it is," Liam laughed, but Louis did not. "And then?"
"My parents arrived on time," Louis let the air escape through his mouth.
"You mean it was going to happen again?" He could feel Liam's vibration on the other side of the line.
Louis ran a hand over his face, tired.
"We made a deal. He will not tell anyone if I do what he wants."
"The name of this is blackmailing."
"I'll call this an arrangement."
"Oh my God. You're a son of a bitch. "
"Thank you."
"But seriously," Liam snapped. "I don't think you should be left with a heavy conscience."
Louis swiped the phone from his ear.
"You know what I think? That you look like a little first-year girl who calls her friend every hour to gossip."
Liam laughed.
"I call because I only have you to call. And you answer only because you only have me to answer "
"Fair enough."
Louis thought of all the friends he had. Liam was at the top, no one compared to him; the two had codes and a language of their own.
Louis likened his friendship to Liam with the friendship of William and Adam. Adam was always there for William, just like Liam for Louis. But William and Adam were different... Louis felt it was not normal. He might have thought too much about that. But it felt strange.
"My mother is cooking now for Harry while William talks about his perfect notes. I'm sure."
"I don't know how you can still handle William."
"Neither do I, but he's my brother and, above all, it's my duty to love him."
"Fuck with your brother's boyfriend comes in the package?"
"Shut up, Liam."