Everything happened so quickly. I wanted to protest, to shout, but no noise came out. An endless river of tears left my eyes, and my entire body shook rapidly from shock and fear. I wanted so badly to lash out against Negan, but I was frozen. Frozen to my spot on the ground, now hunched over and sobbing manically. My father lay before me on the ground. He was gone.
The entire group's faces were that of shock, sadness and anger. I felt like I was screaming, but no one could hear me. I could no longer hear them. I was in my own bubble, everything else was muffled. The words of Negan, cries from everyone else. I couldn't concentrate on anything else. The only thought that repeated itself in my mind like waves lapping onto the shore, was that he was dead. My Dad. Abraham Ford. The person I loved the most in my life. The person I valued as the most important to me.
The next few minutes when by like a blur. It was hazy, but the familiar feeling of loss and pain came down on me once again. Only this time it was Maggie feeling the full force of it. Watching her own husband, being just metres away, unable to do anything to stop it. All of us, unable to stop it, although it was the thing we wanted to do most. A stinging feeling in my chest kept washing over me, as more events unfolded. I watched my boyfriend, Carl, be terrorised by him, but he didn't show weakness. I was envious of how strong he could be sometimes. Even if he didn't feel it, he could still show that he wasn't afraid, that nothing could break him.
I couldn't focus my eyes on anything at all. I heard words, but they didn't register. Nothing made sense anymore, as I just sat in a daze, my eyes diverting back to my Dad every time I tried to look away. I couldn't look at anyone else. Eventually, Negan left, taking Daryl with him. I felt like I'd been stabbed, and now there was just a huge void with in me that nothing could possibly fill. Maggie stumbled to her feet, before breaking down again and being comforted by everyone. I stayed positioned on the floor, in front of him, wishing, hoping that it would all be a dream. In a few seconds I'd wake up from the back of the RV and he'd be up front driving. But it never happened. Even if I shut my eyes tightly and opened them again, it would still be the same. I reached out and gripped his hand, limp against my own, but I held it. Because this would be the last time. And I never ever wanted to let go. My cries were silent now, and I felt as though I would shatter when a hand touched my shoulder.
"Y/N..." It was Carl, of course. I took in my surroundings and noticed people were loading into the RV. Bringing Glenn, and also waiting to retrieve my Father. I lifted his hand I still held and brought it to my lips, placing a soft kiss on the top of it.
Reluctantly, I let go of him, and slowly stood to my feet, Carl enclosing me in a hug when I had turned around. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face deep into his chest. My tears fell silently, and he placed a hand on the back of my neck to hold me close to him. Nothing could help with the pain I was feeling, but it didn't stop Carl from trying. He led me to the RV after Rick signalled to him that it was time to go, and we began the drive to the Hilltop. It was silent. No one dared to speak. I didn't want to speak. I couldn't formulate any words. Maybe it was better we stayed silent for a while. Carl never stopped holding me. He always had a hand on me, keeping us together, letting me know he was still there. Eventually, I'd drifted into sleep as I leant on his shoulder. Temporarily being out of my misery.
Small conversations had erupted between few, the hum of voices somewhat comforting to wake up too. For a moment I almost forgot, but then as soon as I forgot I remembered again.
I feel like grief is punching me. In the chest, throat, stomach. Everywhere is hurting because I'm constantly reminded of what happened. Of how much we lost in so little time. How much was taken from us. I was informed that we'd just left the Hilltop, and no one wanted to disturb me to say a goodbye. I knew I'd see Maggie and Sasha again soon, and was grateful they let me sleep a while longer. I noticed Carl had moved to sit with Rick, at it was Rosita who was next to me now. When she noticed I'd moved, she offered me a small smile before speaking.
"I know you're not okay. And I know you won't be for a while, but you know he'd want you to carry on. He's watching you now, so you can make him proud. He died to protect us. To protect you. He died the same thing he was when he lived. A hero." Rosita's words resonated in my brain, and I wanted to thank her so much, but couldn't get any words out. I didn't want to fall to pieces in front of everyone, so I gave her a grateful nod. I knew she understood my courtesy, and she also understood why I couldn't elaborate more on my thank you.
I stayed silent for the rest of the drive back to Alexandria. Staring at nothing in particular, and zoning out from everything. I wished to stay zoned out of everything forever, if it stopped everything from hurting. But I had to face reality when we arrived. I avoided the conversations everyone dreaded having, not wanting to hear anyone say the words. Carl wanted me to stay with him, but I managed to slip away when Enid approached him. I didn't think about where I was going, but my feet brought me to the house I had once shared with my Father. One foot through the door, and all my feelings began to rush to the very surface, tipping off my terrible breakdown.
I shrunk down the wall, trembling, tears falling like wildfire. I clutched my head in my hands, wanting everything to stop. My breathing quickened, and I was startled by the door opening, although I didn't look who it was. I stayed huddled on the floor, until I felt two hands on either side of my head, lifting it from my own hands. Carl's face came into view, concern written all over it.
"He's gone! And he's not coming back! He's gone!" I screamed like I had wanted to when I first lost him. Like I had wanted to scream at Negan, but instead I was screaming at Carl. The one person I needed the most while I was suffering my heartbreak.
"Breathe Y/N. I know that it hurts, everyone's hurting, but it can't compare to the way you feel. I can help you, I promise I'll help you, but I need you to calm down. Breathe with me, okay?" His voice was soothing, not phased by my outburst or the fact that I'd just yelled at him. His priority was to make sure that I was okay, and that made my heart warm. I sobbed while Carl waited patiently, caressing the side of my face and stroking my hair out of the way.
"I don't know what to do." I admitted when my tears finally began to slow.
"You don't have to know what to do. We're going to get through it together. Okay? All of us are going to get through it together. And I know you think you're alone now, but you're not. You never will be. You won't stop feeling the pain, but you learn to live with it. And that's when it starts to get easier." He finished and planted a lingering kiss on my forehead, positioning his arms around me and lifting me from the ground. I automatically jolted my arms to cling to him, afraid he'd drop me although I knew he wouldn't.
He carried me through the house and into my room, placing me gently in my bed. I reached out for him again when he began to move, locking my fingers around his wrist.
"Stay with me." It sounded like I was begging him, which admittedly, I was. My voice still wavered and was hoarse from crying so much.
"Of course." Carl lay next to me, allowing me to place my head on his chest and relax into him. Words couldn't describe the way I felt, but I knew that I was surrounded by people who would help me get through it.