• Jordan •
Loss: one four letter word that holds fourteen definitions in counting; all which intertwine someway and somehow. Misplacing of keys, defeat in a game, something you just couldn't maintain and the biggest of all...death. Thinking about death was scary when I was younger and on the verge of becoming an adult but since there were only maybe five ways for me to die and thousands for mortals, it became less of a worry to me. Then, Lia got bitten.
It was mind-boggling to me, how even what was supposed to be immortal, could die. Apparently, everything could and would die, just to make space in the world for the new generation, like plants. I didn't particularly fancy the fact that my close mother like figure was dying but instead, I just didn't feel toward it. Having no emotions really did that to you.
As I crossed the threshold of the outside world into the small and cramped vampire home, I was met by everyone's sympathetic glare in the living room. I closed the door behind me silently and awaited the sound of someone's voice, but nothing.
"Is she dead yet?" I queried and the disgusted look on Carly's face, the third youngest in the house, was one that could kill. "What?"
"You need to turn them on Jordan, you're the only one here without emotions dude and she wants you to take her life. She bit me for trying," Aiden spoke up.
"Jordan," Ryan walked up to me cautiously with a stake in his hand, "Try."
"Try what?" My forehead creased at the sight of the sharpened wood. He set it in my hands and with his projected and strong voice, he spoke wise words.
"Try to be a man. You can't continue on acting like a child, Jordan we need emotions or else your heart is as cold as you. Lia made you who you were, the good Jordan we used to know and that changed when she came around but, it's not about her anymore. It's over and done with and you have to face this. So go up there and...well...get it over with." His words went through one ear and came out the other, but if they all wanted me to murder her, then so be it. I would.
I stomped up the stairs until I was atop, finding her bedroom before sauntering inside. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and turned them on. Maybe some of Ryan's words stuck, but not for long, because I would be shutting them back off right after I committed this immoral homicide. Emotions were not my "thing".
She looked worse than when I'd last saw her, which wasn't at all long ago and the sight brought upon the feeling of a knife in my chest. I closed the door behind me and began to hyperventilate; the emotions that had been so long neglected were crashing in like a tsunami. She was watching me silently, body paling by the minute as she waited for me to come over.
"They hurt, don't they?" She croaked and I nodded, running over to her bedside and crawling in the bed with her. I felt like a child by Lia and she was the only one I'd ever cried in front of. She was important to me but I could never love her the way she loved me. I looked into her fading eyes, ceasing my uncontrolled breathing and forging a smile.
"Hi."
"Hey," she closed her eyes, face still close to mine. "Tell me how the emotions feel."
"I feel..." I trailed off, mind jumbled with a ton of feelings. "Hate for whoever did this to you, Love for her and...sadness and pain but-
"But?" Her lips upturned into a small smile and I laughed, sitting up beside her as I played with the stake.
"But there's a happy feeling."
"For who, for what? Paint a picture for me Jordan, with your good words, like you always do. You were such a good writer."
"Stop that," I kissed her forehead and let the feelings settle in, searching my mind for the words to describe the happy feeling. "The girl I told you about, you remember, yeah?"
"Beautiful blue eyes."
"Yeah, yeah! Her name is Alexia," I breathed, heartbeat picking up at the thought of her. "We've been stuck in detention and I've been bugging her, like in a flirty way but that's because I want her to want me. No, I...I really want her to want me. You don't understand. Her hair is wavy and an almond or chestnut brown, the color doesn't matter but she just, she can't be put into words. Today, she wore a leather jacket and she looked all kick ass and sexy and I wanted her, you know? She's so sweet and funny and sarcastic and my emotions are jumping for her right now. Lia...picture someone that made you feel that way." I inched closer to her, preparing to do what I was told. I couldn't look at her, her eyes were closed and it was like she was already dead and I was just killing her again.
"I don't need to picture that someone if he's right here beside me." My heart sank into my chest as the stake came nearer to her heart, my hand shaking as she spoke. "He has heterochromia, the rare eye defect that to me is a gift. His smile could brighten anyone's day and he's always so full of charisma and he's a loving person, but sometimes he just cares too much. He gets hurt easily, so he hides away from his emotions and I only hope that he finds someone who won't hurt him, who will bring him back to the old him because he is amazing. I love him, I love you Jordan," she whimpered. "Do it, do it now," her hand gripped my wrist and pulled me closer, the wood pushing against her boney chest.
"Lia," I cried.
"Please, now," she tugged me once again and I cringed, watching as the stake sunk into her heart and her body desiccated right before my eyes. I released it and removed her hand from me, sobbing at the sight before me. Men don't cry.
I peeled myself from the bed and closed my eyes, shutting off all the emotions once again and leaving the room. Carly stood there, looking up at me silently. She reached a hand up to my cheek in attempt to rid a tear but I shoved it away, staring ahead and clearing my throat.
"I did it."
"I know, Jordan, it hurts us too and we will get that werewolf back, whoever did it."
"It won't bring her back," I stated, bumping past her and walking down the stairs, ignoring everyone's look and leaving the house without another word.
I unlocked the door to my actual home and welcomed the feeling of loneliness, sitting on my couch in an uncomfortable silence. Life was an absolute blur when you felt everything, but when you had no emotions you could just look at life on a bitter scale to find out that it was just meaningless. I couldn't believe I had said what I did to Lia, that small babbling monologue about how much I liked Alexia. I liked Alexia? Well, not with my emotions off obviously.
I didn't want to think about anything. Shutting off emotions didn't take that away, it only removed the gut wrenching and the heart squeezing feelings, it turned you into a brick, a wise brick who could think a lot on everything. I was a philosopher.
I stood and entered my kitchen, searching my refrigerator for alcohol. Pity was my middle name and selfish was my last. I retrieved a bottle of whisky and drank, walking around the house and humming.
I was a ghost in this home of nothing or just nothing in a home of ghosts.
Emotions or no emotions?
No emotions would always be my first choice. I was only with Lia for fifteen minutes and I couldn't contain the jubilation I felt toward Alexia, I couldn't manage to hold back the pain I felt when I stabbed her in the heart. I couldn't deal with it. I've seen too much and could only have a roller coaster ahead of me if I turned them on. So the first question still stood, why would I want them?
Before I could even think to open my bottle of the drink, the front door opened. Zack walked in lazily and threw himself on my loveseat, his eyes glassy and tired. I made my way around to close the door that he left open and took a seat on my reclining chair.
"What is it buddy?" I asked.
"You need to learn how to text people back, J, I worry about you."
"I didn't even feel my phone vibrate, uh, I'm sorry," I apologized.
"Are you really?" He lifted his head and glowered at me. "Do you know what today is?"
"No," I shook my head confusedly. "Sorry."
"It's my dad's birthday," I killed his father three years ago and we didn't establish it until he found out I was a vampire. He told me that he always thought they'd existed because his father went without a trace. I apologized many times and he was still my friend, so I was only wondering why he would try and make me feel guilty.
"Oh."
"Did you ever realize...that I'm the only one who puts up with your shit?" I opened the bottle and drank, watching his slumped over body in silence. "I like Alexia and all you probably want to do is kill her."
"No I don't," I protested.
"Then you just want to fuck her."
"Zack, I don't feel anything for anyone."
"Do you care about me?"
"Of course I do."
"But you don't show it. Why don't you turn your emotions on?"
"I did, just before I killed Lia. Okay? Happy now?"
"So are they on now?"
"No."
"Why didn't you keep them on?"
"I can't."
"Why not?" He sat up, giving me the evil eye with a furrowed brow. "Can't handle your feelings like a man?"
"I can."
"You obviously can't," he spat. "Give me one fucking reason as to why you can't turn them on. Please, just one!"
"Zack!" I pleaded with a hurt expression, "I...I'll fall in love again."
• A/N •
Hey look Jordan turned on his emotions for 10 minutes because he is the lucky duck that can do what we all wish we could, turn his emotions on and off. I LOVE HIM BEY.