Ryan looked a hot mess.
His blonde hair was completely disgruntled and unkempt. He had facial hair that looked like it hadn't been touched in weeks. His usually clean clothing was a wrinkled black T-shirt with an American checkered flannel and dirty black denim jeans. I noticed his posture lacked confidence, but what really got to me were his eyes. Those same sparkly ocean colored eyes I'd fallen for were dull and empty. He had bags under them like he hadn't gotten proper sleep in days, and his lips were chapped and swollen like he'd been picking at them.
"It's been awhile." He practically whispered.
I nodded and crossed my arms over my stomach, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "Yep."
He was staring at me, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him anymore. His eyes were too lifeless.
The silence was clearly uncomfortable for everyone, because Nakira spoke up.
"Well, Zabrion is probably looking for me. Can you guys help me find him?" She was looking at our group, who happily obliged. They all quickly melted into the crowd, leaving me with Ryan.
"Can we talk?" Ryan asked me.
I scoffed. "We have nothing to talk about."
"I think we do. Come on, Sim, just let me explain."
"There's nothing to explain." I'd turned to walk away from him, but his hand grazing my arm froze me.
"Simone, I miss you. I miss us." He said.
"Cuz I haven't heard that one before."
"Well I mean it. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I was trying to do the exact opposite."
"What the hell does that mean?!" I'd finally detonated. "You ignored me for a week straight without any forewarning. At the basketball game, you literally saw me trying to get away from Justin. You were my only hope, but you walked away and left me hanging. Then I find out you're talking shit behind my back? After everything that'd happened between us, after I finally gave into how I felt-- feel-- about you, you proudly announce that you were basically using me! How were you not trying to hurt me?"
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "It's complicated, but if you let me explain what happened, I promise it'll all make sense. I think I can make this right."
"I'm failing to see how. I let my guard down for you, but you took that and ran with it. I've never felt so low in my life. You nearly broke me."
"But you're ignoring the fact that I broke myself in the process." He looked down. "I can hardly talk to my family anymore, let alone friends. You're the only one I care about at the moment. I keep thinking about how I screwed up, but I wanna fix this. Please, Sim.... Just one chance."
I felt my thoughts pulling me in opposite directions. My heart was with the side that wanted me to give Ryan another chance, but my pride was screaming fuck him. I couldn't act like I didn't like Ryan anymore, especially after admitting it out loud. That's just not something you can so easily take back, but what he did cut me deeper than any blade could. I wanted to yell at him, curse him out, hit him-- anything to make him feel the same pain he'd caused me... but I also wanted to hug him, kiss him, and hear what he had to say. I didn't realize how much I had truly missed Ryan, until he was standing right in front of me.
So I chose my heart.
"OK." I finally said. "I'll hear you out, but I'm telling you right now; this is it. You deserve a chance to explain yourself, but I'm not guaranteeing this will make everything alright."
He nodded. "That's fair, but do we have to talk here?"
I looked around at the crowded building. It was loud and populated. Ideally, it'd be perfect for talking. If I were to get alone with Ryan, I'd most likely give in to my need to forgive him and be with him, even if his excuse was absolute bull. But there were too many eyes and ears. Just because people were dancing or seemed occupied didn't mean they wouldn't have an ear tuned to our conversation.
"Where's your car?"
******************
After I'd picked up my belongings from where I'd put them, I texted Nakira to let her know where I was headed. We went out to the parking lot and walked the short distance to his vehicle. It was a little cold, but my jacket helped warm me up. I got in his car on the shotgun side and silently waited.
Once Ryan slipped in the driver's seat, he took a deep breath. "Sunday, the night before I started avoiding you, my mom sent me to the store to pick something up for her. I was alone-- at least I thought I was. I didn't notice him following me, until after I'd put the groceries in my trunk."
I frowned. "This sounds like some Law and Order shit. If you're gonna make stuff up-"
"You promised you'd listen, and what I'm saying is the truth. Just let me talk, please." He sounded aggravated with me, so I shut my mouth.
"I'm serious, I turned around and there was a barrel right at my chest. I almost had a heart attack. That's not something you'd really expect to happen; at least I don't. I'd never been so scared in my life."
"Wait, time out. I'm sorry." I said. "You're saying someone pulled a gun on you?" He nodded. "Who would do some stupid shit like that and why? Was it a mugger? Gang relation?" Before launching into the full story, Ryan unhappily answered my question.
"It was Justin."
**Flashback**
"What're you doing?" Ryan asked Justin, his voice shaky. He couldn't deny the fear he felt.
"I'm getting rid of a problem." Justin growled. Unfortunately, it was late at night, so the entire parking lot was nearly deserted. "Either you do it yourself, or I will for you."
"What did I ever do to you?" It wasn't like Ryan had never seen a real gun in person, but he'd never had a loaded one pointed at him.
"You need to back the fuck off Simone. I'm not joking. She's not here to save you this time."
"Dude, Simone doesn't want you. Why can't you just accept that and move on?"
The gun cocked, and Ryan felt himself grow sick. "Stop with the fucking games, white boy. You know you and Simone can't be together. I'm better for her than you'll ever be."
"Hitting her was better? Sexual assault was better? Forcing her to live a life that nearly killed her was better? Damn, could've fooled me."
"Don't bring our fucking past into this!" Justin exclaimed, shaking slightly in a way Ryan didn't like. One finger twitch and he'd be done for. "You don't know shit about what happened!"
"I know what Simone told me. You really hurt her, man." Ryan's head was screaming for him to shut up, but he couldn't. "I really care about her. I'm not giving her up-- not when we just got together."
Justin shoved Ryan against his car, moving the position of the gun from Ryan's chest to his temple. Ryan's breathing grew labored, and he squeezed his eyes tightly shut.
"I'm not playing games with you. Either call off you and Simone, or I call you off."
Ryan swallowed deeply. "Do what you want, but she'll know. Sim's smart and will figure it out. She'll never forgive you, so you can screw any chance of getting back with her."
Justin lowered the weapon. "You're right." He stepped back as if to contemplate his dilemma. Ryan exhaled, feeling relieved. It was short-lived.
POW!
Ryan's heart stopped for a split second, before realizing he hadn't been shot. Looking around, he suddenly heard the hissing of his back left tire. He watched in horror as the tire deflated and his car sunk down.
"What the hell?!" He exclaimed.
Putting the gun back inside the elastic of his boxers, Justin smirked. "You're right; I can't touch you without Simone hating me. She would never forgive me. But unless you do as I say, I'll make sure neither of us can have her. Then you'll never be able to forgive yourself."
"You'd never touch her."
"Maybe I will, maybe I won't. That's just your car. Think about everything and everyone I could mess with, just because you don't want to listen. Is that a chance you really wanna take?"
Ryan examined his vehicle. No, he didn't wanna take that chance. Simone had told him Justin had problems, but this was beyond anything he'd ever imagined. Ryan cared about Sim way too much to put her at risk like that. If Justin was willing to hurt the girl he wanted just to cause Ryan pain, then what was stopping him from going after their friends and families?
Not a damn thing.
"What do I have to do to protect her?" Ryan finally asked.
Justin's already vile expression turned more sinister with a sneer. "Glad we're coming to an understanding. Maybe y'all white people aren't as street dumb as I thought." Ryan glared at him, but it was ignored. "It's deadass super simple. All you gotta do is ignore her. Don't talk to her. Don't hang out with her. Don't even give her an explanation. Just cut her off."
"But she'll be confused. She's gonna want answers and will push for them--"
"So push her away." He snapped. "Yeah, she'll be upset and hurt at first, but I'll be there to make her feel better. She'll get over it-- and you-- eventually."
Every word Justin spoke was like a prick in the heart for Ryan. He didn't want to do it. He knew it would hurt Simone and shatter him in the process. But if something happened to Simone, or anybody else, because he was too selfish to give her up, he'd never be able to live with himself.
He had to let her go.
"Whatever." Was all Ryan could say. He felt his heart pounding in his chest at what he had to do.
"I'll be in touch. Oh-- and don't bother tryna do some sneaky shit. I got eyes everywhere." He went over to his vehicle and drove off, giving Ryan one last menacing stare.
"Wait! What about my car?!" But Justin was already gone. "Fucking prick."
Ryan looked around the empty lot, feeling melancholy. He was losing one of the best things in his life to some lowlife just because a guy hated the thought of him getting the girl he wanted-- and mainly because he was white and Simone was black.
At least she'll be safe, he thought.
But even that thought wasn't enough to keep him from breaking down right then and there.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
"Oh my—" I finally managed to whisper. "You can't be serious."
"On my heart, this is nothing but the truth." Ryan said.
"So that's why Justin came up to me at the game, and you walked away." He nodded, "and you practically ran off, when I was asking about Leigh's party."
"I hated walking away from you like that. I hated seeing you confused and upset. It hurt me to do it, but it was all to keep you safe. I would never be able to forgive myself, if something happened to you on my account."
"Wow." I leaned back against the seat of his car. "What about the car? Were your parents pissed?"
"They still don't know. I used my emergency credit card to have it towed home. They felt bad, because they think that the tires were just bad, and I wasn't going to tell them what actually happened."
"But if you were supposed to cut me off, why did you talk shit on me to your friends?"
Ryan sighed. "The night of the game, I assume Justin failed in his attempt to make a move on you." I nodded. "Well, he was really pissed and tried to claim I had somehow managed to tell you everything. He threatened to hurt you, unless I proved we really weren't associating anymore. So I got a group of my friends together in the bathroom to talk about you, because it would've somehow made it back to him."
**FLASHBACK**
"... If they can be called such a word." Every word was like bitter acid on his lips, but Ryan managed to utter them. His friends unhappily played along and fake laughed as they walked out of the bathroom.
Once they were discreetly blended with the rest of the student body, Ryan exhaled. "Thanks guys. I owe you one."
His closest buddy, Drew, clapped him on the back. "Of course, bro."
"Wait," another guy, Tom, cut in, "I know Justin is crazy, but why does he hate you specifically?"
"Because he wants Simone."
"Bruh, what was the point in us doing that?" Another friend named Eddy asked.
"If Justin thinks I'm telling other people Simone and I aren't talking anymore, he'll believe I truly cut her off." Ryan explained.
"But didn't you?" Ed frowned.
"Not for long." Ryan shook his head. "Tonight, I'm going to her house to tell her everything. Hopefully, she'll forgive me. Then maybe we can figure out some plan to deal with Justin."
"But why race?" Tom asked. "Why couldn't you 'dislike' her cuz she's rude, or weird, or something generic? Why'd you choose something so personal that she can't help?"
Ryan laughed humorlessly. "Justin doesn't want me with Simone, because I'm white. If I play into his mindset, it'll be easier for him to believe I've actually pushed her away. I'm sorry to have asked you to play that role, but I have to keep Simone safe. I really care about her."
"Whipped!" Tom and Ed coughed, causing them to laugh.
Drew looped an arm around Ryan's neck in a brotherly way. "Just know that no matter what happens, we've got ya back, man. We're here for you."
Ryan smiled, and dapped his close friend up. "Thanks, dude."
He hoped nothing would mess up his plan.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Ryan finished his recap then continued talking. "I thought everything was all good, but then you showed up at the restaurant. I didn't think through the part of how everything circles around, meaning you'd hear too. Seeing you cry like that over what I'd said... it was heart wrenching. I decided I was gonna tell you everything immediately and try to take the brunt of Justin's anger, but you were done. I broke you. Realizing I'd truly lost you nearly killed me. I was beyond devastated. I didn't-- couldn't-- talk to anyone for days. I just thought about how much I hated myself."
Hearing him share his perspective of the situation broke my heart. The whole time, I'd been moping around thinking I was the only victim. I'd seen the tears Ryan had shed but ignored them. I'd seen the pain in his eyes and treated them like a mirror. We'd both been hurt, but I'd dismissed him by treating his feelings like they didn't exist. He was going to risk his life to stay with me then risked his happiness to protect me.
"Ryan... I'm so sorry. I never realized- I can't believe- ugh I'm so stupid."
"No, don't say that." He reached for my hand. "You couldn't have known. It's not your fault, I should've come to you. We could've figured something out."
"But if I hadn't had jumped to conclusions, we'd have been fine. We could have figured something out, that's true, but I didn't let you explain yourself when you tried. I caused us both unnecessary pain just over-"
Ryan finally shut my rambling up with a kiss. It was the first time we'd kissed since Sakura, and the familiarity of his lips sent my heart on a frenzy. We both put everything into that kiss. Our fear, regret, pain, sadness, anger, confusion, desire... Our love.
As a 16 year old independent, black female, I'd always been one of the main people making fun of high schoolers who claimed to love their boyfriends or girlfriends. I'd never really supported serious relationships and lowkey cringed at the L word. I did have interest or crushes on people, but I never really thought I'd learn to love.
But this... this was a whole different level. I couldn't even describe how strongly I felt for Ryan. I didn't have just sexual attraction for him, intimacy, or brotherly affection: it was all of the above and so much more. I wanted to give him my all; I wanted all of him. I was willing to take on whatever he was going through. I was willing to risk my life for him. I was willing to stand by whatever he chose to do in life. I wanted to put his needs before my own. I wanted him. I needed him. I cared about him--
I loved him.
The kiss was beyond white hot passion, and I felt myself crying. I couldn't tell where my tears ended and his began. We broke away to catch our breaths, but I saw that sparkle I loved return to his ocean eyes.
"I fucking love you." Ryan blurted, before widening his eyes and biting his lip. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have--"
I quickly took my turn to shut him up, by grabbing his face and kissing him again. He kissed me back, but it was quick, because I broke away again to wipe his tearful eyes.
"Don't be sorry, because I love you too."
His entire expression lit up-- it was like watching life return to him fully. Reaching into his pocket, Ryan pulled out a diamond encrusted S necklace-- my necklace. My heart melted at the realization that he still held on to it. He clasped it around my neck. The charm resting against my chest made me feel complete again. I climbed over to straddle him in the driver's seat and kissed him roughly. I felt the seat extend back all the way, and Ryan's hands roam all over my body.
"I love you."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry."
"I love you."
We were having a back and forth through the entire time we pleasured one another. It was as if we were trying to decide who loved the other more, and who was most sorry. It didn't matter; though, because we were reunited. We were both sorry. We cared for one another. I said I loved Ryan. Ryan said he loved me. Everything was out in the open, and I'd never felt lighter.
The truth shall set you free.