Translator: Anne Noh
"I've told you my illness already cured." Shu Nian smiled helplessly. He was lying on bed as Ke Luo placed a thermometer into his mouth.
"But...your complexion still doesn't look very good..." Ke Luo lowered his head and murmured, slightly puffing his cheeks, "No matter what, it would be better if you rest more ..."
After waiting for a while, Ke Luo took out the thermometer and looked at it seriously. He puffed his cheeks ever more.
"How is it? Very normal, right?"
"Yes...Not bad." His expression was not that he was happy that Shu Nian already cured from his illness, instead it looked like he was annoyed.
"Then you should attend class, don't be late to school."
"Yes..." Ke Luo reluctantly stood up from the bed, grabbed textbooks and handouts at the side. He lingered for a while before slowly walked to the door. He dawdled once more and turned around, he looked at Shu Nian who was smiling at him on bed and whispered lowly: "When I return from school in the evening...you will still be here?"
"Of course."
Ke Luo stood for a while before he closed the door and went to the school.
Starting from that night, Ke Luo no longer secretly fed Shu Nian sleeping pills, and he also understood that none of them gained anything from that despicable imprisonment. He was too afraid Shu Nian would leave like the morning after he raped Shu Nian where he quietly left when Ke Luo was sleeping. He would do anything in a desperate plight, and casually placed his hope on those small pills.
Once Ke Luo was caught, he was ashamed to say anything for several days.
Ke Luo was just a stubborn child, hence he resorted to crazy way.
Because of that, it shouldn't be regard as a rape. It should be treated as just an insensible child doing something wrong on impulse and Shu Nian still had much more tender affection toward Ke Luo.
Shu Nian had originally refused to accept that kind of feeling he had for Xie Yan to be shifted into providing warmth to Ke Luo. Ever since that man didn't want it, he might as well give all his affection to Ke Luo and it made Ke Luo happier. At least there was one person who was happy.
As for his happiness... it didn't matter.
It was definitely not a sacrifice. Shu Nian had never received anything, nothing at all. Hence, what was there that could be used as a sacrifice?
Shu Nian got out from the bed, changed into comfortable clothes, uplifted his spirit and began to clean up the room. Just like how he used to do at the Xie family, he carefully cleaned every corner, removed the cushion covers and walked to the balcony. He laid out all the covers under the sun, the curtains were removed and washed, opened the windows so that the sunlight could penetrate and brightened up the apartment. The kitchen had accumulated a lot of dust over the time, only the stove and kitchen utensils were shining as it had been used a long time ago.
The dark and chill apartment would definitely make a person gloomy if one lived for a long time in it. Hence, Shu Nian spent more effort to make it warmer.
Starting from now, Shu Nian would wholeheartedly take care of Ke Luo so that he didn't have enough time and energy to think about that man. Maybe he needed more time so that he could refrain himself and could stop his shameful feeling. Hence, his inability to control himself from loving that man would fade away and he could completely break free from that man.
After that, Shu Nian went to the wholesale hypermarket to purchase many daily necessities and ingredients for dinner. Ke Luo was still growing, and nutritional balanced was very important. Since he had plenty of time, he seriously thought about the foods. Shu Nian also took a few boxes of yogurt, and he would force Ke Luo to drink after the meal as it was good for his stomach...
That was right. That was how it supposed to be. He should only thought about Ke Luo and there was no space for him to think about that man. He might no longer feel pain in the future.
Shu Nian started to harbor his unattainable dream toward Xie Yan since childhood. It was unrealistic like most people's childhood dream. The only difference was that most people would realize that a dream was just a dream. However, Shu Nian foolishly persevered on the dream up until now.
It was acceptable to have a foolish dream when young. However, after experiencing so many things up to that age, Shu Nian should be able to recognize the reality.
He shouldn't wishfully thought about Xie Yan all day long, or even thought about the wild wishes of love and happiness.
The time to wake up from his dream has arrived. He had been dreaming for eighteen years and it should have been enough. Shu Nian would stop dreaming from now on. He was no longer a silly man who passionately in love with his young master, but a good "father" who sincerely take care of the lonely Ke Luo.
Shu Nian walked past the cashier carrying several large bags. Halfway through the aisle, the man that was walking at his direction made him hesitated and slowed down his pace. That man also slightly hesitated and stopped hesitantly when they were a few steps away from one another.
Both men stood face to face for a moment. They looked at each other without saying anything. They also didn't expect for any one of them to make way for other to pass through. Hence they stuck in a very uncomfortable way at the aisle, extremely embarrassing.
Xie Yan was the first to speak. It was polite and vague: "You bought so many things."
"Yes...you?"
"I bought two bottles of red wine."
"Oh......"
The distance between them wasn't that far and it looked like that Shu Nian could smell the faint smell of perfume mixed with Xie Yan's natural odor, to the extent that he could even smell the faint smell of his aftershave. Shu Nian knew that it must be his conditioned reflex, because he was too familiar with that man. However, even the familiarity was something in the past, being separated by three steps, they carefully greeted each other like they were strangers. As if serving Xie Yan and all those things he blindly did for all those years had been buried and waiting to be forgotten.
"Now...you have completely healed?"
"Yes."
"That day...I'm really sorry."
Shu Nian rubbed his hands, and he was embarrassed: "ah...it's okay."
It was as if that topic showed his weakness.
Shu Nian had always felt that Xie Yan was unequivocally frank. Shu Nian was the kind that hid his sexuality, and secretly harbored an unspeakable desire toward Xie Yan. This was like and offense of betrayal and the circumstances of his homosexuality made him felt even more inferior in front of Xie Yan.
"That...want...to return back to work?"
"Ah?" Shu Nian was stunned and then he smiled, "That... won't be very good..."
"Oh...have you found another job?"
"No..." Shu Nian didn't have the nerve to reply as he couldn't say that this time around he intended to do a full-time job as a "father" and concentrated on taking care of a child. The conversation went downhill and the silence was really awkward. "Sorry, I have to go, to...go back and cook dinner."
Xie Yan let out an "oh". His hands were in the pocket and his back was very stiff. He moved his foot but he didn't make way: "There are so many things. Want me...to drive you home?"
"No need. I drove here." Of course, it was Ke Luo's car.
Xie Yan pursed his lip and smiled wryly: "Then...go do your thing. I won't bother you."
Xie Yan walked passed Shu Nian. Although it was already considered to be very tolerant, Shu Nian still felt empty in his heart.
Once Shu Nian arrived to his temporary residence, he let himself to be busy by doing lot of tedious side dishes and placed everything on the dining table. There was even soup cooked in slow cooker and he was totally busied until Ke Luo came back.
The door was opened with slight hesitation, and Ke Luo pushed it until he clearly saw Shu Nian standing in the living room. His tensed face began to relax when he saw Shu Nian was still there and he let out a smile: "Wah, the room is really clean! You have work hard! ...Dinner is ready? Really good... "
"Wash your hands first." It was completely like a father's tone.
Ke Luo obediently put down his bag, quickly rushed into the kitchen and sat down obediently.
"Smell nice. Why there are so many dishes? So good...It looks very delicious..." Ke Luo's attractive face was slightly red. It was obvious that he was really excited.
Shu Nian smiled and concentrated to take care of the young man's dishes that he wanted. He didn't notice that Ke Luo praised him throughout the dinner and his eyes didn't leave Shu Nian for a moment.
"Come, have some soup. How does it taste?"
"Hmm hmm...dealicious..." Ke Luo's eyes widened and he nodded vigorously and it looked very cute. He kept on stuffing his mouth with many things as if he was determined to please Shu Nian, and then he struggled to swallow everything. He held a spoon near his mouth and asked vaguely, "don't know...if I can still eat like this tomorrow..."
"Of course you can."
"Really..." Ke Luo reserved a confirmation from Shu Nian. He was happy and his face was flushed. He hurriedly lowered his head, held the bowl and chugged down the food.
"You don't have to buy lunch at the convenient store in the future. You don't need to go to the cafeteria at noon to grab [1] chicken curry rice. I will prepare a lunch box for you tomorrow. You can take it to class. I'll make whatever you want to eat."
[T/N: [1] Refer to the picture below.]
"Hmm..." Ke Luo was still lowering his head as if he was concealing something. He moved his chopstick very rapidly. He only raised his head slightly after a while. His eyes were slightly red and he looked embarrassed.
Shu Nian was taken aback: "What is it?"
"I thought...you are going to hate me..."
"I'm sorry that I forced you...I know you don't like me like that...I'm sorry about the sleeping pills. I am really sorry..."
"You didn't run away today. That is really great...I am very happy...Thank you..."
Shu Nian put down the chopsticks. He reached over and touched Ke Luo's head reassuringly. Ke Luo embarrassedly protested: "I am already an adult. Don't treat me like a child..."
"An adult yet you still cry easily?"
"What...I did not..." Ke Luo immediately straightened his back, "you can ask other people when I ever cried! You don't know how manly I am!"
"Eh? But I'd clearly seen it more than once."
"That was only in front of you..." Ke Luo looked down at the rice bowl. "Because you are not the same like them. For me you are... very important."
Shu Nian smiled and patted Ke Luo on the shoulder.
Time passed quickly. Ke Luo filled up the university form, and then took the entrance examination, and finally admission result was announced. It felt like everything happened in a flash, fast enough for Shu Nian to forget Xie Yan.
Shu Nian might not be able to see Ke Luo soon as he was about to go to a distant university at T city. Shu Nian was a little bit at lost.
Shu Nian made a very well prepared dinner in order to celebrate Ke Luo being admitted to his first choice university. The two people ate in gloomy ambience, and their faces looked like they suffered from indigestion.
"Why aren't you happy?" Shu Nian washed the dishes. He tried to lift the mood and teased Ke Luo and sat beside him who was sitting dazedly in the bed, "You're going to T University as a top student!"
"En..."
"People from Ke family cannot control you when you go to T city. Won't it be very good to obtain the freedom?"
"En..."
"Oh yeah, you need to prepare your luggage, and take a look at what you need to bring to university. I will buy it for you..."
Ke Luo turned to look at him with a serious expression: "I can take you along with me?"
"......"
"Can I?"
"Do freshmen need elders to accompany them?" Shu Nian smiled to ease the atmosphere, "Then, I'm as an uncle..."
Ke Luo bit his lip. He suddenly grabbed Shu Nian's shoulders and leaned over. Shu Nian hastily looked away just as their lips touched, and pushed Ke Luo awkwardly: "Don't fool around!"
"I am not fooling around. I am serious! You know it better than anyone else!" Ke Luo felt discontented, "Why do you always pretend to be clueless? I have already grown up. I am not a child anymore! Can you please don't treat me like I am your son? You do know that I love you. I want to be together with you and definitely not as father and son..."
"Ke Luo, stop it..." Shu Nian said weakly, "our age difference is too big...you are still young and don't understand about love. You like me just because I can accompany and take care of you. Actually..."
"Of course I know what love is!" Ke Luo felt like he was insulted. His face was flushed and his cold eyes turned darker, "Don't look down on me! Can you please don't disregard me? I would rather you refuse me openly, and not like this!...I don't even have the qualification to be turned down? You don't even take me seriously and refused to treat me like a man. Am I right?"
"Ke Luo..."
"Yes, you will feel that I don't know anything no matter what I say...but I don't want you to take care of me, nor do I want you to be good to me..." Ke Luo grabbed Shu Nian's arms, "You are very clear about I want. Please stop disregarding me..."
It looked like Ke Luo's dissatisfactions were suppressed for a long time. He firmly held Shu Nian. His hold was becoming tighter as he stubbornly sought for Shu Nian's lip.
Shu Nian avoided the kiss. He was also a man, hence Ke Luo couldn't completely restrain him when they were fighting. Shu Nian finally seized the opportunity to slap Ke Luo across the face.
The loud and clear sound of slapping made both of them dumfounded.
Shu Nian didn't slap him too hard. It was just enough to let Ke Lu regained his consciousness.
Ke Luo suffered such unbearable slap in the face and he could no longer say anything. Bowing his head and remained quiet for a moment, he let Shu Nian go. Ke Luo silently raised his big eyes and looked at Shu Nian, and it was like the most gentle and loyal dog was being hit merciless by the owner. It wouldn't get angry nor did it fought back, it would just look at the owner in the eyes to tell him of its pain.
"Sorry..." Tenderness shown in Shu Nian eyes and he raised his hand to touch the red mark on Ke Luo's face, "I'm..."
Ke Luo didn't let Shu Nian touched him.
"Ke Luo..."
Ke Luo shied away from Shu Nian's comforting hand.
"Is it very painful? I'm sorry. I don't mean it...I just..."
"Don't touch me!" Ke Luo suddenly stood up, and distanced himself from Shu Nian, "You don't have to apologize. It was my wishful thinking. You ought to hit me."
Ke Luo took a few steps before he stopped: "I'm sorry." His eyes were slightly red and glistering: "To make you feel uncomfortable...Because you are so good to me...it made me think I still have hope..."
Shu Nian didn't have time to speak as Ke Luo already went out and closed the bedroom door.
On previous nights, Ke Luo would always lay a blanket on the floor near the bedside, and then spent the night on the floor because he wanted to be together with Shu Nian and he didn't dare to request to share the bed.
Shu Nian really couldn't bear to let him slept on the floor and let him to sleep on the bed. Shu Nian would always remember Ke Luo's extremely surprised, shy and cautious expression.
Ke Luo and Shu Nian were actually very similar. They were too obsessed and blinded by love.
Shu Nian woke up in the middle of the night. He secretly opened the door and walked into the living room. Through the street light that penetrated into the window, he could see distantly a silhouette curling on the sofa. He walked over and tenderly crouched next to the sofa. He touched the young man's slightly swollen face that was half buried in his arm.
Ke Luo was about to wake up. He opened his eyes and looked at Shu Nian for awhile before he cradled his head around his arm once again without saying anything.
"I'm sorry..." Shu Nian removed Ke Luo's head from his arm and touched his hair, "I'm sorry..."
Ke Luo didn't say anything nor did he resist.
"I can give you anything...except love."
Although the light wasn't that bright, Shu Nian could clearly see tears trickled down slowly from Ke Luo's long lashes.
"Ke Luo..." Shu Nian felt really worried. He hurriedly reached out to Ke Luo and held him. Ke Luo closed his eyes firmly, trying his best to resist holding Shu Nian's back. After resisting for a while, he gave up and hugged Shu Nian.
"I'm sorry...you will meet someone much better than me...trust me..."
The young man buried his face in Shu Nian's shoulder. Shu Nian could clearly felt the wetness seeping into his pajama around his shoulder area and it was getting wetter.
Shu Nian felt guilty as there was nothing he could do to make Ke Luo happy.
[1] Chicken Curry Rice — to be honest I don't think I need to provide picture for this food as curry is widely eaten throughout the world. But in case you wanna know how Chinese curry looks like as there are many variation of curry. Basically Chinese version of curry is the same as Japanese and Korean curry.
Anne's Rant:
Sorry for the wait. The chapters are getting longer and it makes me become lazier haaha
Please note that some part might be incorrect as I don't know how to translate it to English. Mistakes are bound to happen and corrections are very welcome.