I'm on my knees in the middle of the bush, Lucas lay beside me... I think his unconscious, I can barely see anything, it's to dark.
I hear someone behind me whispering to another person, I try to turn around but am forced back to my knees, they turn and cock the gun, I struggle to turn, but still can't see their face.
"Any regrets?" They ask... right before they pull the trigger.
***
I wake suddenly to Brock shaking me, yelling my name at the top of his voice, I sit up in a rush, sweat running down my head as I try and gasp for air.
"You're ok! Fear! You're safe, I've got you, you're home. Everything's fine, it was just a dream."
I look up into Brocks hazel eyes and feel relief, it was just a dream. I look around and take in the usual surroundings of my bedroom, I look beside my bed staring at the photo of me and my sister.
Breeze is beside me licking my hand as I run it over his fur gently. Letting him nuzzle in under my arm, I look over to Brock as he stands up.
"You ok now?" He asks.
"Yeah, just another dream."
I look back down to Breeze and continue patting him.
"Ok well try and get some sleep ok, we have a big day tomorrow."
I nod and lay back down as Brock moves to leave.
"Hey Brock." I say as he reaches the door. He turns to look at me, the worry splayed across his face is so obvious.
"Thankyou."
He smiles slightly, nods at me and takes his leave.
I lean over and grab the photo of Danny, "where are you?" I whisper to myself.
I put the photo down, turn over and close my eyes trying to get some sleep. Knowing for a fact that I won't be going back to sleep tonight.
#####
Brock walks into the dining area where Lucas is gazing over blueprints.
"Another nightmare huh?"
"Yeah another one, she woke a lot quicker tonight though."
"She say what it was about?"
"No, but I did make out what she was saying whilst she was asleep."
Lucas stops what his doing and looks up to Brock, waiting for him to speak.
"She said, I'm sorry."
"What do you think she's saying sorry for?"
"I dont know Luke, but my best bet would be the rogue, I don't think she has taken anyone's life before. Do you remember your first time?"
"Yeah, I'll never forget it.. I had nightmares for a while aswell I think."
"Think you could talk to her tomorrow night when you train?"
"I can try but I think Angel might be the better person to ask Brock."
"Well I would but she doesn't want anyone knowing about this, we're the only two, last thing I want to do is piss her off by telling Angel."
"Ok I'll speak to her at training, for what good it does."
"Thanks man, so figured it out yet?"
Lucas sighs as he looks back down to the desk, his eyes focusing on the blueprints.
"No I haven't, the amount of fence we would need and the electricity to power it is huge, I mean once the other's get back and we get the fuel from the depot we will be good for the fence, but the electricity is going to be the tricky part."
"Ok well Jaxson may have an idea on that, so when he gets back speak to him about it."
"Yeah I'm going to, just wish they would be quicker."
"Yeah me to."
*****
I watch as the sun spills over the horizon, listening as the birds sing the call of morning.
I hear the door open behind me, Lucas steps up and leans on the railing alongside me looking out at the morning sun.
"You're up early?"
"I'm always up this early, what's your excuse?"
I look over to him, his heard me during the night recently when I've had a meltdown, I know he has, but it comforts me that his not pushing the matter.
"Brock didn't tell you about lastnight?"
"Yeah he did, but i figure the only person who can help you, is you."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah it is, the rest of us are just along for the ride, you'll be good as new in no time."
I look over at him, watching as the light shines off of his face, he looks so peaceful, I don't understand how he is always so calm, I turn my head back out over the balcony, I disagree with what he said though.
"I don't think so, I'm not depressed or anything over what happened, I'm just scared of myself, when I killed her, I wasn't sad, I didnt feel bad or shed a tear, I wasn't exactly happy but I was glad, that it was her and not one of us. If I don't have any sympathy for the girl I killed, then that just makes me no better then her and the rest of them."
I walk around Lucas and down the steps, heading towards the lake, maybe doing laps will help me take my mind off things, plus it would be good to get in some pre-workout before i start on throwing knives this afternoon.
Over the last few days Lucas has taught me how to fight in hand to hand combat, I don't really mind spending so much time with him and I think his starting to enjoy it to, today is a new task though, he wants to start teaching me how to throw knives.
I reach the water and strip down to my bra and undies, unfortunately there's no way of getting swimmer's around here. Leaveing my stuff beside a boulder close to the lake, I dive in and engulf myself in the cool water before coming up for a breath, I tread water for a while, waiting for my body to adjust to the temperature, after a few minutes I start to do laps.
Whilst swimming I zone out, thinking of where my parent's might be right now, nobody here had mentioned them to me so I doubt they know anything about them, I float on my back, letting my mind caress the endless possibilities, after a while I come to the edge of the lake and notice Spencer standing there looking down at me.
"Spencer..wh-what do you want?" I say through clenched teeth.
He smiles down at me "owe nothing at all, I'm just admiring the water."
I look over to where my clothes are, his basically standing right in front of them, his gaze wonders back over his shoulder then back to me.
"Well how about you admire the water elsewhere, please leave."
Spencer doesn't move, his eyes fixed on me, he starts to walk towards the edge of the lake slowly, I see a knife holstered on his hip and feel a bit stupid that I'm unarmed right now, he kneels down before me and starts to whisper
"Ok, but only because you asked so nicely, by the way, I'd be careful swimming down here on your own, especially when wearing so little."
He says this whilst trying to peek down into the water at the rest of my body, he smirks slightly, I now notice he has a few chipped teeth, one is pretty bad, their's barely anything left of it, after this he stands up before me.
"Don't drown out here either, that would be such a shame. "
After saying this he turns and walks away, passing by Angel as she approaches the lake.
I exit the water and start putting back on my clothes, Angel comes to a stop before me and waits for me to finish dressing.
"What'd he want?"
"He was just admiring the water apparently, I think his just trying to scare me."
"I can go kick his ass for you if you'd like?"
"Hahaha, thanks Angel but it's fine, i can handle myself."
"Well you should atleast tell the other's about it, is this the first time his done anything like this?"
"Yeah it is, don't tell the other's though, no use worrying them over something like this, I'm sure his just playing stupid games."
"Hmmm, ok then, it's your call."
I smile and start walking with her towards the hall. "You know that boy isn't smart at all, I mean anyone stupid enough to come near you after what you done must be stupid, wasn't your right hook convincing enough?"
She says this smirking at me, we both laugh for a while before talking about training and about Angels life before the war.
She grew up with 3 older brothers, living with her mum and them as her dad was in the military and never home.
Soon we arrive at the hall and find Brock, Max and Lucas all sitting on chair's out the front, when we sit beside them Brock and Lucas are arguing about god knows what.
"It's good im telling you!"
"I don't really think it would be, sounds a bit too far fetched."
"That's only because you haven't read it."
"And I probably never will."
"You're so thick headed Lucas, anyone ever tell you that?"
"Yeah, on occasion."
I can't help but smile at these two, everyone is sitting around listening to them argue with smiles on their faces and funnily enough, it makes this place feel safe, happy even, like there isn't a war happening with people dieing everyday because of it.
"Alright, ready to go?"
Lucas says as he looks up at me.
"Go where ? Its barely midday why train so early? we've been training late every other day."
"Throwing knives isn't as easy as hand to hand combat, its gonna take a while for you to get used to it, so we need as much daylight as we can get, plus these three are just fixing up docs place for him, their gonna add on another room."
"You guy's know how to do that?" I ask looking over to Brock, Angel and Max.
"Yeah, i was a carpenter before everything went to shit so it's sort of my job, plus our other 3 carpenter's are with your sister." Brock says.
"Brock knows what he's doing, Angel and I are only their as some extra sets of hands." Max adds as he bends down to tie his shoelace
"Owe ok, what's the extra room for?" I ask Brock.
"Phil doesn't like that everyone has to sleep in his lounge room when they're injured, so this room will be where all the beds go, plus he needs a storage place for all his med supplies and equipment."
"Alright well I'll catch you all later then." I walk towards the road with Lucas in tow wondering about whether I should of said something about Spencer.
We get to the back of our house, where Lucas has set up a stack of hay bales on one side of the yard and a table on the other.
"Ok so I want you to hit the centre hay bale with one of these knives 5 times in a row, you do this and training is over for the day."
"Seriously that's all I have to do? Ok that's simple."
"Yeah I'll remember you said that in 6 hours time."
And fair enough I hadn't hit the bale once in the first 2 hours, let alone 5 times in a row, my earlier over confidence was now dead and buried.
"So I was thinking about what you said this morning."
"What about it?"
I stop and face him, ready to argue my point with him if need be.
"Well I don't think you need to show sympathy for the one you killed, everyone has evil inside of them fear, it's how we show that evil that defines us."
He pauses for a moment and sighs, silence is all around us except for the birds in the distance, I remain silent looking at the hay stacks.
"And if killing that girl, to save Carrie isn't a good enough reason to show that, then there isn't anything that is, you done the right thing Fear and people here respect you for that."
I look back up at him, I never thought Lucas would be the type of person I'd take advice from, yet here I stand, my entire perspective changed.
"Thank you lucas, for everything."
I start to tear up and look away from him again.
"Of course, come on lets go eat I think we've had enough training for one day, it's getting dark and I'm starving, I think it5s Brocks turn to cook dinner tonight, don't you?"
I chuckle quietly and start gathering the knives laying around the hay stacks, maybe he's right, maybe I'm not the bad one, I did save Carries life and I shouldn't feel sympathy for a person who was gonna take it.