Lauren looked beautiful as per usual. Her eyeliner was thick, making her green eyes look more prominent. Her dress was the simplest amongst the other girls, and yet, it looked the most expensive and frankly, the most beautiful. But then, I might be biased, I've always been.
Her dress was spaghetti strapped, barely holding the dress up. The fabric was hugging her waist nicely, tight enough to show her abdominal muscles but loose enough to not suffocate. The dress cascaded through her legs, covering everything but has that deep cut on the side, showing a part of her leg.
Lucy wore a similar one but it was black, with a few gold accessories.
They looked like a power couple in this show right now, and that says a lot since Jay-Z and Beyoncé are here too.
I realized that I was staring and stopped immediately. This wasn't what you're supposed to do when you see your ex. I continued listening to the girls conversation, smiling at times to show the others that I was as fine as an expensive wine that I can't even begin pronounce. I laughed to show that I've moved on and that my heart wasn't beating fast at the mere sight of the porcelain skinned girl.
And if I'm being completely honest, I'm not so sure if I was trying to convince them or myself.
They walked towards us and once we were close enough, she hugged me, as if we were long lost friends, which we probably were to most.
It still hurts though. The fact that she never accepted me in that way.
But even as my heart clenched painfully, no way in hell was I going to show it to her. She doesn't deserve it. If she can fake it, I can too.
I know it sounds ridiculously childish, but I couldn't help it. She gave me so much shit for even looking her way, saying that she didn't want people to label her since she herself doesn't know. And yet, here she is, engaged to a girl who used to be our third-wheeler.
We hung a lot back in Miami, and since she's one of her best friend and 'platonic' soulmate, she knew that we were together. Lucy didn't look genuinely happy when we told her though. That's why I've always thought that she had feelings for Lauren. But I never had to worry because I knew that I could trust Lauren. I guess that wasn't the case now.
It wasn't really platonic as she says it was, was it?
"Camila," the brunette said, waking me up from my daze.
"I said, congrats on you and your new single, I love it," Lauren repeated with a soft smile. The song was about her and she knows it. It wasn't subtle and frankly, I didn't plan to make it anyway.
We talked a bit more, the small talk slowly making us and the others uncomfortable. After all, small talks were never my forte. What do you talk about with your ex and your friends who you haven't talked to in almost a year?
They knew about Lauren and I too. They figured it out since we were always together and we obviously fought a lot towards the end to the point that it simply didn't justify how we were just friends.
I smiled, not sure what to say now. And since I already congratulated the others, I didn't think it was necessary.
An awkward silence came next. No one knew what to say. The tension between Lauren and I were still there, still as thick as it ever was.
It was probably due to the fact that we didn't officially break up. We just stopped talking abruptly and had no closure.
We went from strangers to friends, to best friends, to lovers then back to strangers.
"I guess I'll just sit down then," I said with an unsure tone, the air filled with awkwardness.
"Yeah, we'll sit down too," Dinah replied. You'll know it's officially uncomfortable when Dinah doesn't say much.
We all sat down, me in front of Dinah, Normani sat between Dinah and Ally while Lauren and Lucy were at the other end. My friend and ex-guitarist of Fifth Harmony came a few minutes later, sitting down next to me. Ashlee wasn't at the red carpet beside me because she's a girl.
Basically, the red carpet are for dates and I'm just bringing her as a friend. I needed someone's company and she was the closest thing I got to a best friend.
While I walked through the red carpet, she walked from the back door. The label forbid me to bring her because they wanted to show that I was single and straight. Half of it was true anyway.
I don't have anything with her romantically per se, I'm just saying that I'm not straight either. I would come out if I could. But for now, this was all I could do.
Lauren was always the girls' favorite while I was the guys'. So if I came out as a lesbian, they would probably lose interest in me, ergo, losing interest in my music (Unless they have a weird kink for lesbianism that is).
What's funny is that, I've always wanted to come out. It was another reason why I stepped away from Fifth Harmony. The label were too controlling, dictating who we should date. Little did I know that it still didn't change after I quit. I thought my plan was fullproof. But I simply forgot that I'm still under the contract of the same label.
Lauren on the other hand never wanted to come out. At least that's what I concluded when we were together. But 7 months after our break up, she came out as bisexual, when I was still in the group too. She didn't even have to go through all the trouble of quitting the group.
It was unfair but then again, who said life was?
---
'I am bisexual and I am proud' was the first thing I read on my laptop's monitor.
Curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on the link, leading me to Billboard.com. It says that Lauren has sent an open letter to all Trump's supporters calling them hypocrites and stupid, all the while surprising us by saying that that she's bisexual. It didn't surprise me that she was bisexual, it surprised me that she admitted it.
That statement stabbed me at the heart. She said that she didn't want us to come out was because I was a girl, right? If she's scared of being labeled, then why did she just label herself?
I thought she wanted to come off straight to the public. She often ignored the idea of her being more, calling people delusional and ignorant when they start calling her bi or gay. So why now?
I then did a little research and came across a photo of Lauren kissing Lucy.
If the fact that she came out wasn't killing me already, the photo did. Her coming out was a stab to the heart, but this was the action of twisting that knife.
I was speechless, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do, and definitely not knowing how to react.
I shouldn't be surprised though, but I was. Lucy has been joining Lauren on the tour bus whenever she could. Lauren has been late a lot of times now and they have been calling and texting non-stop for the past few months.
I did say that I stopped looking at her, but knowing that the bus had limited space, where could I look at? She was everywhere.
I just thought it was a friendly gesture for childhood friends.
Then it hit me. What if I was just a phase? What if I was just a bridge for Lauren to walk through to the other side, where Lucy is waiting. Was I merely a test to figure out her sexuality?
Although we were officially together at that time, we also weren't. We acted more as friends everywhere. It was only behind closed doors that we were together. Even our family didn't know. So to what extent was that official?
So now that she had tested the waters with, Lauren figured out what her sexuality is. She could then officially come out with her friend, or rather girlfriend now. The problem that made us break up made them stronger.
That's when I noticed tears coming out of my eyes. A silent cry on a silent night. An immediate and unplanned reaction towards the photo and the letter.
I seriously didn't think Lucy was a threat. So I never minded when they were together back when we were dating. They even had a trip together back in 2015 when Fifth Harmony had a few months off. While I was waiting for her at my house, she was having fun with Lucy.
What if Lauren cheated on me back then? What if she just used the excuse of 'platonic' soulmate for me to trust them together. The doubts of Lauren genuinely loving me getting bigger as the seconds tick by.
Now that I look back, Lauren was different after that trip. She started being distant and contacting Lucy more. She used all her free time for Lucy and not for me.
I just thought it was because she felt like she was losing her best friend so she wanted to hang with her more. Although I was pissed at first, I understood at the end. She did make a valid point. Why hang with your girlfriend you see everyday during your free time? It's already as suffocating as it is.
Tears are falling faster now, imagining the possibility of Lauren cheating on me, seeing the possibility that the first actual relationship I had was one-sided.
I also cried that Lauren came out with someone else when that issue was the reason why we broke up. I cried because I can't express how I feel about it. I can't tell the other girls, they suffered enough when we were together.
I cried because I'm alone.
More importantly, I cried because Lauren has been lying to me since the very beginning. Platonic my ass.
I saw that the others have tweeted and liking the Lauren's post. If I don't, it might seem like we're fighting. I mean, in a way we are but I don't think the public needs to know that.
So I decided to tweet the simplest tweet possible.
I began writing a song after that, too overwhelmed by the new information, and also feeling the light of creativity shining above me. If I can't get closure, at least I can write a song about one.
My notification beeped a few hours later, indicating that Lauren has responded to my tweet. My heart was making songs at that moment, beating rapidly that I could hear it myself.
Of course.. The infamous thank you. She has said that when I greeted her a birthday too. Seriously, can she be more any more obvious though. It looked so dry that when you compare it to mine, mine looked like the Niagara Falls. There isn't even any emoji.
Then another ding woke me up. It was a message from Lauren, a private one this time.
Lauren: Seriously though, thank you. You don't know how much it means to me.
Even if we weren't friends, she wasn't brave enough to tell me that openly.
Nothing changed.
I realize that it wasn't about my gender, it was purely about me.
---
Despite all the jealousy and everything that happened between us, I was proud that she has figured who she was and wasn't afraid to openly show who she loves, even if it wasn't me.
I talked to Ashlee while waiting for the show to start, happy that I was able to bring her. It did cause a lot of arguments between the label and myself, but they finally gave in when I put my foot down. It was a start.
I look back every now and then to the girls and smile, not wanting to come off rude. But every time I look back, I would see Lauren piercing her eyes to mine, blatantly staring at me like we never broke up in the first place, like the past 2 years never happened, back when we were still happy together and not trying killing each other. It made the butterflies in my stomach flutter rapidly and caused my heart to palpitate.
But then, the train of reality hit me. Lucy is beside her, reminding me that it did happen, that we did break up. It killed every butterfly I have, or had at this point. Heart still beating fast but not for the same reason.
I don't hate Lucy though. She's sweet and I can't blame her for falling for Lauren. Even I did. If anything, she was the one that caught in the whirlwind while I was dating Lauren.
Every time Lauren and I fought, she would call Lucy to rant about me. I know this from the texts she has sent and the call logs that are saved back. I used to check it when Lauren went back to our hotel room or bunk after our fight.
I know I was invading her privacy. But we were together. We both exchanged the phone pass codes. I wouldn't mind if she checked mine. We shouldn't keep anything in the dark anyway.
I was brought out of my trance when the loud clapping eroded the stadium.
I eventually stopped looking back, Lauren was engaged for god's sake.
I look at the stage for the next hour, talking to my friend when needed, a few cameras aiming at me and the other girls from time to time, probably since we're close and this is the first reunion after I quit.
Even if we've been here for a little after an hour, it felt like I've been here for days. The time was ticking agonizingly slow, dragging each ticking sound.
Time is a funny concept. I mean, each second, minute and hour are calculated equally and yet, it's not. It is biased, depending on the situation. And since I'm not particularly happy right now, time elongates each second.
***
My manager finally called after me for my cue to go backstage, indicating that I am about to perform soon. I stood up and fixed my dress. I then casually follow my manager towards the back door.
I felt someone's eyes boring into mine and looked back. Lauren's eyes were following me, her expression looked serious with a hint of sadness in her eyes. No one would notice them unless they know her well, which I still do as it seems.
Lauren's mind works in so many ways. Her defense mechanism is to act tough when in actuality, she's just as insecure as any girl here. Her coping mechanism is to act unfazed. Her motto is, "If people give no shit, why should I?" It was unhealthy but then, she is human. Everything we do mentally technically aren't, it just depends on whether it's normal or not.
I ignored her and continued walking when I noticed her fiancé is there, holding her hand. I think it should be a crime to look at me that way.
The person on stage was announcing the nominees for Favorite Pop/Rock Group category. Fifth Harmony was one of them of course. I wanted to stay but the expression on my manager wasn't too appealing for me to look at, especially when he's unhappy.
I was out of earshot to hear the winner for that category when I was finally arrived at my dressing room. There were loud claps and murmurs outside though, telling me that they've probably announced it already.
I went to my dressing room, locked the door and changed into my performance dress.
It's white, making it look as angelic as possible, hugging my abdomen and backside tightly. The turtle neck covering my whole front and back, making the top of this dress one of the most modest dress I've worn. I couldn't say the same below my waist. It was cut short to my thighs, showing my skinny legs and half of my thighs. My designer knew that my butt was more presentable than my chest.
My single wasn't as Pop-ish as most songs I've done when I was in the group. Although it's still categorized as Pop and a bit of RnB, it wasn't the type of song you could dance to. It was deeper and had meanings on them. It's personal to me and I could definitely relate to the situation on the song to the situation I'm in right now.
It's about knowing that your ex has moved on and found a new girl. It's about reminiscing the past back when we were together. And although I've never really mentioned that my ex was a girl, I certainly didn't write anything that might've hinted that it was a boy either.
I chose this song as my debut single for the album because I wanted to perform it while she was in the crowd. I knew that by releasing this song first, I could perform it on stage. And I was right.
I got the ability to write it when I found out that Lucy was officially together with Lauren. I just hope she gets the idea as I've not-so-subtly hinted that it's about her. Maybe this could be the closure I've been looking for.
I was brought back to earth from my infinite loop of my thoughts and imaginations when the door banged rapidly.
I opened begrudgingly, pissed that the person next door was directing their impatience to the door, making loud thumps that was starting to hurt my ears.
Surprised was an understatement when I saw Lauren on the other side. Her left hand holding a trophy.
At least I know who won the award for that category.