chapter thirty two: deja vu
When Luke's phone rang at nearly three o'clock in the morning, flashbacks rammed into his brain that he wished didn't. He had finished another long day of work and he had spent the rest of the evening eating macaroni and cheese during reruns of How I Met Your Mother, not bothering to change out of his uniform (Carolyn had changed their dress-code ever since a rude, young customer yelled about how he hated green and roses; now, their uniform was a nice dark green polo shirt with a red rose in the corner, and their pants were khakis) as he sat in his bed. He had just begun to fall asleep when his blaring ringtone, surely some song off of Green Day's new album.
His heart sped up when he saw Ava :-) flash on the screen and clicked the green answer button and he put his phone up to his ear, rubbing his sleepy eyes. He and Ava hadn't spent much time together due to how much work they had and he was worried that they were drifting apart.
"Luke," Ava whispered, her voice crackling through the phone, "Hey."
"What's up, Aves?" Luke responded, biting his lip and already changing into clothes that were acceptable for the weather, "Is something wrong?"
It seemed that whenever Ava was brought into a situation, that's always the question Luke asked, whether it was to himself or someone else, or simply just to her. It was constant and someone like Luke—who was very gullible and always thinking the worst rather than snapping out of it—had trouble realizing that, no, Ava was most likely not being attacked by a radioactive shark at the moment, and was probably just fine. However, he couldn't take chances when it came to his best friend in the whole universe. Ava was rather spontaneous; she often did things on a whim without thinking of all the consequences (until, of course, her anxiety ate her up about it later), so she often surprised Luke, and although they were always good surprises, she scared him.
It didn't take a genius to know that Luke had fear in relationships which often led him to stray away and run, and Ava scared him half to death—but so incredibly far from the usual fear he was used to. He loved her more than he knew he could love a person and it was such a healthy love that made him love himself more and appreciate what he had: her. Luke had his insecurities and he couldn't help them—he knew that he needed Ava more than she needed him.
"Nothing is wrong, Emo! I know you're worrying about me right now so do me a favor and stop. Well I mean I kind of cried for like fifteen minutes, but that's only because I was watching a movie on Netflix and it was really cute and I was overwhelmed. Also, do you want have dinner with my sister because, well, something happened," Ava rushed out, hoping that if she said everything faster than light, he wouldn't focus on her the words she didn't want him to hear.
"What? Dinner with your sister?" Luke repeated, furrowing his eyebrows. He ran a hand through his hair and stifled a laugh, knowing Ava too well. It was likely that Aya asked her and she just couldn't say no. (He's seen what a pushover Ava could be when it came to her siblings and friends, he's heard millions upon millions of stories whenever Becca would make Ava go to yoga classes with her when she didn't want to go, just for the sake of not hurting anyone's feelings.) "You adorable Japanese piece of shit, what did you sign me up for?"
He heard her giggle through the phone, "Answer your door. I've been standing here for about twenty minutes, you tree."
As the two exchanged more rather immature insults, Luke got out of his bedroom and opened the apartment door, trying his best not to make any noise seeing as the boys were already asleep and it was quite late. The only sound besides the door creaking open was the hard rain pouring on the glass windows. A small amount of light leaked into the spot Luke was standing, the yellow light bulbs that lit up the hallway spilling into the room as Ava beamed up at her boyfriend. She was holding a bag of popcorn and two cans of root beer.
"Hello there, Sir," she greeted, stepping in and closing the door, locking it.
Luke cringed at the formality and had a sudden feeling of deja vu, not being able to stop the words from coming out of his mouth. "Ugh, don't call me Sir. It's not the most attractive thing."
Ava bit back a grin as the sentences brought back fond memories of when she first met the awkward and clumsy boy in front of her and placed the popcorn and soda on the kitchen island. "Sometimes I forget how much I hated you when we met."
"You did not hate me. I simply gave off a bad impression and it was awful, but don't deny it: you found me irresistible," Luke bragged, puffing up his chest and acting cocky. "When I first met you, I kinda wanted to sleep with you—"
Ava stopped him by throwing pieces of popcorn at his nose. She pelted him for a few minutes every time he'd try to finish his sentence and only ceased when his mouth did the same. "That's a great thing to say to your best friend. 'Hey, when I first met you, I just wanted to bang.' Beautiful, Hemmings. You know how to win a girl's heart."
"Okay, that sounded bad. But not in an objectifying way, I promise. Only a sexist asshole would think of women as mere sextoys, and I am no sexist asshole," Luke told her, hoping she didn't take what he said seriously because his words came out wrong, and he bit his lip while opening a can of soda, "But I recognize the fact that what I said was sexist even though it wasn't intended and for that I apologize."
Ava nodded and sipped on her root beer, hoisting herself up on the table top, swinging her legs back and forth as she thought to herself quietly. She did this often; finding herself silent when she had something to say. Truth was, she had more things on her mind that made her feel more panicky and sad than usual, and as usual, she had no idea what to do. It's like when she needed common sense and advice most, it flew away. She fiddled with her fingers and let out a deep breath, turning her head to stare out the window at the moon, rather than look at Luke. Looking at him made things harder for her to admit.
Luke just seemed so...so perfect to her and it was intimidating, especially since he seemed to be so unaware of it. He was her best friend, her partner in crime, and she loved him for it. She knew that she had told the blue-eyed boy numerous times that she loved him, but none would suffice or give justice to what she really felt for him. All of these bottled up feelings felt suffocated and swallowed up in her lungs and they muffled her brain because she wanted to scream at the top of every rooftop in the city how much she was in love with Luke Robert Hemmings—but to say and expose every piece of her heart just to him, as he gazed at her with that expression that made her melt every time and that signature smile on his face signaling that she could tell him anything despite the nervous glint in his eyes?
Damn near impossible for her.
She wishes—and she really does—that she was better at talking about her feelings and better at dealing with attachments, but she had never made a connection or bond before that was even close to resembling what she had with Luke. Everything was still so new to her, and she was afraid that she'd wreck something so special. After all, Luke was her best friend before he was anything else, and she wouldn't trade it for the world and all the stars.
"So, Loser, what'd you want to tell me about your sister and dinner? Honestly, you've got to work on your timing, babe. It's nearly 2 AM."
"My sister still thinks we're just friends because I haven't told anyone else that we're dating," Ava blurted out, glancing at Luke to see his reaction. "She asked me and I said that we're strictly and only friends, and that I only invited you because I'm close to you. But the dinner is set for a couple weeks when she's visiting with her fiancé."
Luke stopped and his smile dropped, "Oh. Okay."
Ava instantaneously felt bad. Luke was different when he was upset. He didn't show it and he coped by laughing things off and changing the subject, but simultaneously shutting people out. He's gotten better at communicating, but he was human and some situations and emotions get the best of him. Ava hated this because she hated when he got lost in himself and his head sometimes; and she hated it even more that this time it was her fault.
"Why don't you ever call me your boyfriend around other people?" He asked, glaring at the hardwood floor as his voice broke slightly. "Best friend, sure, but rarely ever boyfriend. I've noticed that."
"Luke, I'm really sorry. I never meant it like that. I'm sorry that I suck and I promise I will make it up to you. I can write you a letter or something," Ava rambled nervously, trying to lighten the situation's mood.
"That's not funny. I love you and I feel like we barely act like a couple sometimes," he mumbled in response, still refusing to look at her and it seemed that he avoided her eyes and was determined to stare at literally anything else in the room. "Do you even love me?"
This broke Ava's heart. She realized that with all her own problems she'd been unfair to Luke and that this was an effect that was caused by her own irrational fear and anxiety, but for him to actually ask her that...it hurt.
"Are you kidding me? Of course I love you. How can you ask me that, Luke?" She replied, furrowing her eyebrows and getting up, her feet hitting the ground softly as the shadows hid her forming tears. "You know I love you."
It was starting. Luke was shutting down, and his walls were beginning to rise up to protect him again. "I can't do this," he whispered to himself, tears spilling from his own eyes.
"Don't you dare," Ava cried, walking up so close to him that they were practically chest to chest, forcing him to meet her eye, "Don't you dare run away from this."
Everything hurt all of a sudden. For him, for her. This was their first fight and they both didn't know how to handle it.
"Maybe I need some time to think," he thought out loud, sniffling and pushing her away gently, beginning to walk away. "Maybe I need space and maybe we should...maybe we should—"
"Maybe we should what, Luke?" Ava whispered softly, her voice threatening to crack if she spoke any louder. She felt like she was experiencing the one moment she hated remembering, all over again. Except the heartbreak was worse. She was scared of what would leave his mouth next.
"Maybe we should just be friends," he expressed, tears falling onto his t-shirt. "Just until we both have time to think about things. Maybe we were always better off as friends. Maybe that's all we were meant to be: best friends."
Ava swore she heard her heart shatter. "You can't just keep locking me out of your life every time we have a problem, Luke. It isn't healthy. You know that."
And, just like that, when everything seemed perfect, their world started to shatter. But the thing about relationships is that both people need to work it out and each partner needs to maintain an open intent on learning to love themselves and each other. Not one relationship is perfect, but the people in the relationship need to be happy.
Luke frowned and rubbed his red eyes. "I'm sorry, Ava. I'm sorry that I make everything more complicated than it is. I'm sorry that I ruin what was supposed to be a healthy relationship."
Ava stepped toward him before leaning in to give him a hug. She was still upset, but she knew that Luke was facing so much inner conflict right now and that she couldn't be mad at him for feeling insecure. She was heartbroken, sure, but she had to look at it from his point of view. She knew that Luke would do anything for her and for her, that was enough resolution she needed.
"Don't say sorry. It's not okay, Luke. But I understand. I'll be here whenever you're ready. You can always talk to me. I won't leave because of one hard to get by obstacle, babe," she reassured him, looking up at him as he earns wrapped around his waist.
His lips gave a ghost of a smile, but it was only noticeable if you knew what to look for. And with Luke, Ava always knew what to look for. He kissed her forehead gently and let go of her.
"I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I rushed into things more than I thought I did. You deserve better Ava. Someone who doesn't have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon."
"I'll always love you, Luke Hemmings," she confessed, a tear slipping past her eyelashes. "Don't you forget that."
•••
yIKES IM SORRY. i know this "fight" seems really thrown together but it'll make sense soon in the next chapter which is based off " if you don't know"and "the night i drove alone" and everything does get really serious!
remember last chapter when luke hoped the universe wouldn't take what he wanted away from him? plot twist! he's the only thing is the way of what he wants!! #relatable
it's clearly stated that what luke is doing IS NOT HEALTHY, and it's obvious. however, they are both trying and they know when the other needs to take a break. they both respect each other and the truth is, when someone has several issues about relationships like luke, he can't suddenly feel perfect!! of course this doesn't mean that you have to stay if a constant on and off relationship is exhausting (because i recognize the fact that those relationships are often and mainly toxic and i don't want luke and ava to appear that way). if one person clearly isn't trying, don't make it your job to "make it better," you can always support them—of course—but they can't put it on you to "fix them" or be the only one to make the relationship work.
this took like a billion years but i have been obsessed with the flash lately (barry allen u fuckin dork) and wattpad hasn't been the first thing on my mind!
BUT I DO WANNA SAY AN THANK YOU TO ALL MY AMAZING READERS! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 25K!! THATS SO AWESOME IM GONNA CRY.
you guys are all so sweet and got this story so much farther than i thought was possible for a writer like me. thank you all.